


Gunshot Wounds and Painkillers

by Cuthwyn



Category: Batman - All Media Types, Under the Red Hood
Genre: Bed-Wetting, Brother Feels, Electroconvulsive Therapy, Extremely Dubious Consent, Gen, Hospitalization, Past Child Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-05
Updated: 2017-09-27
Packaged: 2018-05-18 10:32:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Underage
Chapters: 25
Words: 103,012
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5925246
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cuthwyn/pseuds/Cuthwyn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tracy Carter is a psychiatric nurse at Arkham Asylum. One of the few who actually enjoys her job.</p><p>Then, a new patient is admitted. No name, no history, nothing. Makes her question everything.</p><p>With the help of her old mentor Dr Thompkins can she persuade a grieving Dick Grayson to help his brother?<br/>Or<br/>The one where Jason re-structured Juvie at Arkham</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I admit I have no idea what this is.
> 
> Mainly the end result of avoiding actual essays I should be writing?
> 
> Also, one of my two stories I've nearly finished so why not start another?

It was raining. To be fair, it always rained in Gotham, it was hardly notable, except when it was the early hours of the morning and you were wandering the streets of Gotham in search of your patient, then? Oh then it was mildly annoying.

Pulling the hood of her jacket further over her face, Tracy trudged towards the Golden Bridge leading out of the city, wondering what on earth kept her in the god forsaken place? In this hell of a job? Any sane person would have handed in their notice and hit the road after their first day, but here Tracy was, a psychiatric nurse at Arkham and still going strong. With hands stuffed in her pockets she narrowed her eyes against the onslaught of rain to peer at the top of the bridge. Her intuition was rewarded when she spotted a small orange figure sat on top of one of the towers. Bingo.

Pressing the button on the com fitted in her ear, Tracy smiled as she approached the bridge with haste.  
'Stu? Stu? Can you read me?'  
'Sure can sweetheart, what's up?'  
Gritting her teeth she looked back up at the figure and sighed.  
'The names Tracy. I got him. Inform the GCPD, tell them to stand down. The search is off.'  
'But'  
'Tell them to stand down Stu! I got this. What's the situation on the Batman?'  
'He's yet to be informed. Tracy, the guys dangerous -'  
'The Batman? Yes I am inclined to agree. He stays out of this do you understand?'  
'But-'  
'No buts'  
Glancing back up at the silhouette of her patient she let out another weary sigh.  
'The Bat will on exacerbate the situation; as he always does. If we want him to come without a fight, I need to talk to him.'

'Talk to him? The freaks a lunatic, violent and-'  
'And I think you have stepped way over the professional line so I'm stopping you there.'  
Pinching the bridge of her nose, Tracy couldn't help but despair at the entire situation.  
'Just- just bring the van around to the Golden Bridge Stu okay?'  
'The Golden Bridge? Why's he there? Is he trying to leave the city?'  
Peering up at the small orange speck Tracy shook her head and swallowed.  
She hated heights.  
'If Jay wanted to leave the city he would have already done so. He's just sitting on top of it.'  
'On top- shit is he going to jump?'  
Walking past the oncoming traffic Tracy moved closer to gain a better view. Jay was sat, face tilted slightly towards the rain, eyes closed.  
'No- no I don't think so.'  
'But then why?'  
Tracy gave a weary sigh and decided that maybe her school careers advisor was right after all; being a hairdresser really was the dream job.  
'I don't know. I'll see you soon yeah?'

Not waiting for an acknowledgement. Tracy removed the com from her ear and shoved it in her pocket, having had quite enough of Stuart for the time being. Testing the rung of the ladder that lead to the maintenance platform half way up, she swallowed again.  
The things she did.  
Tracy was beginning to realise why a large proportion of Arkham's payroll ended up being incarcerated.

The metal was ice cold beneath her fingers. Tracy took a deep breath and focused on the sensation, letting it ground her as she climbed up to the platform. As long as she didn't look down this was going to go just fine.  
Finally reaching the wooden platform Tracy shielded her eyes and peered up at her patient.  
'Jay? Jay!' She called, watching the young man open his eyes at the sound of his name. Looking down there was a resounding-  
'Fuck'  
'I'm pleased to see you too, Jay. Can you come down for me please? It's dangerous up there.'

Jay laughed and shook his head before lifting his face to the rain again.  
'Stop talking to me like a crazy person Trace. I ain't crazy and this ain't dangerous.'  
Humming Tracy placed her hands on her hips and cocked her head at him.  
'Sure thing, but Jay? You're the one sat on top of a bridge at three in the morning, in the rain? A very high bridge, in strong winds!'  
She didn't need to hear the grunt to know that that's exactly the response she got. Heart in her throat Tracy watched Jason stand and moved closer to the edge, grinning down at her in amusement.  
'Ha, in my life? This is fairly substandard. Trust me.'  
He chuckled darkly and studied Gotham's skyline as if waiting for something.  
He was waiting for something, Batman.

It was so obvious now, break out of Arkham, Batman gets called, it was protocol almost.  
Sadly for Jay however, he had decided to do a bunk when Tracy was on the graveyard shift. The pillow trick may fool some but such a corny stunt wouldn't work on Nurse Carter in a million years.  
Also it just so happened to be Jason's bad luck that out of all the nurses at the hospital to build a rapport with it had to be her. Tracy didn't take anyone's crap, hell, she'd been known to give the Batman himself a stripping down before now.

'Jay. Come down or I shall have to come up there.' Tracy promised, she never threatened because she always followed through. Even if the prospect of climbing the Golden Bridge turned her legs to jelly.  
Jason laughed and shook his head in amusement.  
'Aw Trace, that's a good one! You wouldn't make it up here, sweetheart.'  
'I am not your sweetheart Jay.' Tracy chided before closing her eyes and counting to ten. Steeling herself as she moved to find footholds in the ageing brick work.  
How many bombs hand this thing withstood? Jesus, why the hell was she thinking about that now, whilst climbing the damn thing.

'Trace? Tracy! No! No, nurse, stop. Stop you will fall. It's dangerous!' Jason bellowed eyes widening in alarm as the nurse began the perilous climb.  
'Well, you won't come down and we need to talk, so I'll just have to come up there won't -' A pair of strong arms wrapped themselves around her.  
Shrieking Tracy flung her arms around strong, broad, shoulders as she flew through the air and ended up thrust against the bridge; safely back on the maintenance platform.

'What on earth are you playing at? You cannot just go around climbing god damn bridges. It's dangerous. Jesus, are you fucking insane?' Jason scolded, as usual masking his concern with anger, as he pushed himself off and away from her.  
Frowning he watched the nurse shiver, noting her saturated attire. Sure she had a jacket on but underneath was just her uniform, short sleeves, thin cotton. 'Aren't you cold nurse?'  
'Yes, I am' Tracy replied with smile. 'Aren't you cold too, Jay?'

Jason blinked at this, surprised by the question. Frowning he gazed down at his blue tinged finger tips, before shrugging and looking away.  
'I am used to being cold.'  
Nodding slightly Tracy swallowed and straightened up against the brick.  
'Just because we are used to something Jason, doesn't mean we have to put up with it.'  
Jason pursed his lips at the words thoughtfully. Suddenly his eyes widened and he gaped back at Tracy, hands beginning to tremble by his side.

'Y-you said - you know my name? How? Who told you?'  
Tracy had expected anger, but instead, the young man's voice wavered as he spoke. He was frightened. Stepping forwards she paused when Jason bristled and stepped back.  
'It's okay, Jason. I first met you in Doctor Leslie Thompkin's clinic. You came in with an unconscious kid and a gunshot wound?'  
Jason frowned before nodding slowly, lifting intrigued, wary, eyes to meet her gaze.  
'I was the student who tried to inject you with painkillers, you told me off for my hands shaking. Doctor Thompkin's was my mentor. The Red Hood, every street kid in this city knows that when things are bad, he's who to run to. I worked it out Jason. Leslie just confirmed it.'

Jason nodded slowly, his lips pursing in deep thought before shaking his head and averting his eyes.  
'Jason Todd's dead.'  
'Officially but you aren't are you Jason? You're here. You're alive.'

'My hands used to shake, when I fought.' Jason spoke softly ' It stopped. With practice. I've fought a lot of people.'  
'I've injected a fair few.' Tracy replied with a smile when Jason chuckled and shot her a knowing look.  
'No shit Sherlock.' He shot back before turning and studying the skyline, fingers drumming a frantic rhythm on the railings, mouthing 'come on' over and over again.

'He's not coming. I haven't called him.' Tracy informed him, eyes following his to the skyline. Jason's chin wobbled and hands slammed down on to the metal railing, sending a haunting twang echoing around them.  
'No. No I need to talk to him. I need to. No.' He spat, rubbing at his eyes and burying his face in his hands. 'Fuck, I wish I could talk to him.'  
In a new record for Jason, his anger simmered down into heartbroken despair before he finished his desperate sentence. 

Pursing her lips Tracy moved to stand next to him, reaching out to stroke his hand with her thumb.  
'The Batman? Why do you need to talk to him?'  
'He's not the Batman. He never will be him, never.' Jason almost sobbed.  
'I don't understand?'  
Jason shook his head and went back to glaring at Gotham, eyes still searching in vain hope. He wasn't going to elaborate, not like this, not with anger humming through him under the surface. 

Dipping her hand into her pocket, she withdrew a packet of cigarettes.  
A pair of teal eyes snapped to them and Tracy swallowed a chuckle. Lighting up herself she tilted the packet towards him.  
Jason eyed them up again, claiming one and staring at it until Tracy held out the lighter. A weak smile tugged at his lips and the young man allowed the nurse to light it for him.  
'Thanks.' He mumbled before taking a deep drag and closing his eyes. His other hand running down his sides and along his hips before remembering Arkham issued pyjamas didn't have pockets. Grumbling to himself he chose to lean against the railing instead, smoking silently.

'He's dead.' Came a low, quiet mumble after a long few moments.  
'Who?' Tracy pressed gently, leaning against the railing with him and lifting her own cigarette to her lips.  
'B. The Batman, the real one. He's dead and he's not coming back. D won't do it. I agree, he shouldn't. I know what that pit does. I said the opposite but I didn't mean it. I hope the kid's okay. Both of them.'  
Pausing Jason rubbed at his eyes again before blowing out a puff of smoke.  
'B wouldn't have done this.'

'You miss him.' Tracy blinked slowly and tilted her head when Jason sighed and shrugged.  
'S'pose. To be honest? Enough people die you get used to it.'  
'It doesn't stop hurting though, does it Jay? It's okay to miss him.'  
'I was his greatest failure. That's what he said to me in his will. I failed him.' Jason mumbled before shaking his head and dragging a ragged breath through his teeth.  
'He kept my secret, I asked him too. He said he failed me, that wasn't failing me. Now D knows. Maybe that's why he left me here?' 

Finally Jason lost his battle and tears dropped onto his cheeks.  
'Even after all I've done, B never, would never leave me in Hell. He- he always told me to sort myself out, he mentioned a doctor in his will. He wouldn't want me here. Not like him, the pretender Batman. He left me in Hell. He-he told me. He'll do everything he can to keep me here. D tells me I'm his fucking brother and he does this. What brother does this!' Jason bellowed bitterly, tears dropping on to the railing he clutched to keep himself standing. 

Tracy reached over and placed her hand on his shoulder, ducking down to try and catch his eye.  
'Maybe he just wants to help you, Jason? Keep you safe?'  
'Help me? Help me!'  
Jason's voice boomed, kicking the railing, he roared in emotional agony before sinking down to the ground as his knees finally gave way.  
'I hear him in my head. He's in my head, nurse. I can't sleep, if I sleep he drags me back there. Always laughing. Now? Now I hear him in reality too and I can't tell anymore. I can't tell when he's real and when he's not. I can't escape. I'm dying over and over again and I don't know if it's real anymore.' 

Sobbing Jason coiled up into a tight ball on the wet, wooden platform, his limbs trembling in a toxic mix of fear,anger and despair.  
'I want to be dead again. I want the laughing to just stop.'  
Tracy stood, frozen to the spot for a moment. 

The Joker. Jason was talking about the Joker. His laughter a permanent echo in Arkham, especially in High Security where both him and Jason were.  
Jason suffered from flashbacks and nightmares of his death. His screams drowning out the laughter on the wing. It just encouraged his real life tormentor, who would just laugh even louder.

'Jason.' She breathed before dropping down to the floor with him, reaching out to clutch his hands tightly in hers.  
'Jason, Jason it's okay. You're safe. This is real, here with me, this is real.' Tracy reassured him, squeezing his hands again. 'This is real Jason. Can you feel the rain?'  
'Yes.' Came a muffled reply eventually.  
'Good. That's good. What does it feel like Jason? What does the rain feel like?'  
'Cold. Wet. The cotton sticking to me. Water, permeating through my uniform onto my skin.' Jason mumbled uncurling slightly to blink up at Tracy who smiled and nodded.  
'That's it, Jay. Permeating? What a beautiful word. You should be a writer Jason.'  
Snorting Jason shook his head and ducked his head back down.  
'I don't think so.'

Humming, Tracy rubbed her thumbs along his hands again, glancing down to see that Stu had finally arrived with the van.  
'Come on, Jason. Stu is here now. Let's go back to the hospital and get you warm and dry. Hmm?'  
Jason shook his head and Tracy thought him to begin to refuse to concord with returning with her but instead he clambered back to his feet, still keeping hold of her hand.

'No, no we need to get you warm nurse! Your hands, they are freezing. Hypothermia isn't fun, first hand account.'  
Offering her a weak smile he lead her slowly towards the ladder.  
Tracy nodded smiling warmly at his caring nature. Jason thought he had fallen from grace, that he was bad. In her opinion, if he was half the things he believed himself to be, he would not be able to pull himself back together and go back to somewhere that tormented him; just because he wanted to get her warm.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When you can't see the light, I shall sit with you in the darkness.

Closing her eyes, Tracy took a steadying breath, wrapping her knuckles against the cell door, she sighed and swiped entry when there was no reply. Jason was curled up on his cot staring blankly at the opposite wall, damp hair from the rain in a tousled clump on his head.

'Jay? Can I come in?' Tracy asked, watching the young man blink slowly, not even bothering to look in her direction. During the journey back to Arkham Jason's mood had dipped dramatically and now, he seemed to have completely slumped.  
'Jay?'  
'Does it matter what I think? Not like I have a say.' Jason muttered, pulling the small pile of blankets further over himself. Sneezing he sighed and finally shot a glance at the nurse in his doorway.  
'Are you okay? You have changed your uniform, good.'

Nodding Tracy made her way over to her patient and crouched down in front of him.  
'I always bring a spare. Trick of the trade, Jay. Don't worry about me, had worse than a little rain. How are you feeling?'  
Jason snorted, teary bloodshot eyes sparking slightly in amusement.  
'Always be prepared. A lesson shared in both vigilanteism and psychiatric nursing, who knew?' 

Eyes falling to the paper meds pot and plastic cup of water in her hands, Jason shook his head and closed his eyes with a scowl.  
'No.'  
'Jason.' Tracy spoke his real name in hushed tones. 'Please?'  
'Yes.'  
'What?'  
Blinking in surprise Tracy tilted her head in confusion, Jason's apparent consent with so little coaxing was actually more concerning than him digging his heels in.  
Jason swallowed and shuffled about to look at her with empty, haunted eyes.  
'Fine, I'll say yes but I will always mean no. Just because I say yes does not mean that I did not mean no. I always meant no but said yes.'  
Tracy gave a slight nod, concerned with what his words suggested about his past, tucking the thought away for another time. She was hardly naive, she knew the secret Bruce apparently revealed wasn't full of sunshine and rainbows.

'Jason, you've been up all night and last night and the night before that. Come on. Let me help you get some rest, make things better?'  
Reaching out she tried to take his hand but it was snatched away.  
'Better?'  
Shaking his head Jason ducked his chin into the blankets and glared at the tablets in Tracy's hand.  
'Hypnotics right? I don't overly care which. They are all the same. They don't make things better. They alter the chemical balances in my brain. They are an escape, leaving me drifting in fog until reality hits again and all of this? It's still here. My brother still abandoned me here.'  
Sighing Jason closed his eyes and swallowed, hard.  
'You might as well just go and get your needle and fill it with Heroin. Inject me with that instead, hell, it shall have the same effect.'

'Heroin? Is that why you won't take your meds? Were you an addict? Jason, please, talk to me.' Placing the water and tablets down, Tracy leant on the young man's bed, eyes searching his face when he grimaced and shook his head.  
'No?'  
Cocking her head Tracy tried to catch his eye but he was having none of it and ducked his head further into the blankets.  
'You weren't an addict?'  
'Mum.'  
'Your mum?' Tracy pressed reaching out to touch his hand again. This time he did not pull away.  
'I don't want to talk about it. Please don't make me.' Jason's voice wavered into a croak, fingers moving to clutch the nurse's hand, tightly. Squeezing back she hushed soothingly.  
'It's okay Jason, it's okay. Thank you for telling me about her, that must have been hard. You had to of been very young?'  
Nodding Jason huffed a breath and rubbed his eyes with his spare hand. 

'I didn't shout at you for your hands shaking, Trace.'  
'Yes. Yes, I understand but Jason listen to me. Leslie gave you painkillers eventually didn't she? On your own terms? You trusted her judgement?'  
Jason bristled and shot her a wary look. Running her thumb along the back of his hand she caught his eye and held it.  
'Jason, you give painkillers so your body has chance to heal itself from the damage the bullet inflicted. You know that.' Reaching back she picked up the med pot again. 'Jason, these are not the answer you're right. They are painkillers, they let your mind rest so you can heal, like a bullet wound. I do not expect you to trust me like you do Leslie, but I will do everything in my power to prevent you getting addicted to them.' Pausing she pursed her lips. 'Jason, on your own terms?'

The silence was deafening. Blinking Jason looked from the pills to Tracy, his lips thinning, eyes pained and conflicted.  
'Only if- if you stay.' He spoke so quietly Tracy had to lean forwards to hear his words. 

He's was frightened, all this time he had been frightened of taking medication not just plain oppositional. Sure, Jason was oppositional, usually you asked him to do something and he'd refuse or rant and rage about it but this? This ran deeper.  
'Of course I will Jason. I shall stay until you are sleeping. Then, I shall see you again after dinner tomorrow okay?'

Teal eyes flicked up to hers questioningly, so desperate to trust but not quite managing it.  
'You're working nights again? When are you gonna be here during the day?'  
'Soon' Tracy answered with a smile, she wasn't going to give an exact time to the young man who'd absconded mere hours ago. 'If you remain here, I shall bring in some cookies.'  
'I can't be made to behave with cookies.' Jason shot back, taking the pill pot from her hand he jiggled them about pensively. 'Others have tried.'  
'Oh okay then. I'll just eat them all in the staff room.' Tracy smiled, happily providing her patient with the distraction he needed. 

Like she had as a student to a raging Red Hood, what seemed like forever ago. Giving him something else to think about other than the drugs he was taking.  
'Your methods are barbaric nurse.' Jason smirked, tipping the pills into his hand.  
'Heh, they're chocolate chip too.'  
'Institutional abuse! I'm sure there is something written somewhere about threatening inmates which chocolate chip cookies?'  
Popping the pills in his mouth, he took the water and gulped it down with a grimace. His banter fell silent. He didn't overly feel like joking anymore. Sniffing he pressed his face further into the pillow, tears plopping onto the coarse material.

'Jason-'  
'No.'  
Pursing her lips, Tracy looked away and squeezed his hand again. Waiting silently with him. Both of them waiting for the medication to kick in.  
'I just wanna forget' He whispered, the words coming out sharp and stunted, as if he was struggling to come to terms with expressing the thought out loud.  
Humming Tracy stroked his hand with her thumb again and nodded reassuringly.  
'I know Jay. I can't take away the past but together we can make it hurt a little less.You're not alone anymore.'  
'Yes I am. Alone - here. Can't do it- anymore.' Jason slurred into his pillow.

'You must be in a desperate place to think that, Jason. You have been fighting for so long, I can see how tired you are. Just, get back up one more time. Fight one more time Jason. I'm here, I'm with you, fighting right by your side, for you. All I ask is that you help me, help you. That you take that first step.'  
Sniffing Jason turned back to face her, a weak smile tugging at his lips. Tracy was yet to see the second Robin smile properly but she knew it was captivating, if the small glimpses she did see were anything to go by. Jason Todd would smile again, she was certain of it. 

Jason grumbled something that sounded like it was meant to be sarcastic. Brow knotting as he fought the drowsiness, fought to keep conscious. It was a typical reaction for Jason. He always fought it, always dragged himself back from the effects of whatever he had taken. Hell, she'd seen him do it with the painkillers in Leslie's clinic. Someone had taught him to do that, trained him. Probably Batman. She dreaded to think of what the teenage Jason must have been put through to master the skill so well

'Hush,Jason. Don't fight it, your safe, you know what this is. Close your eyes and go to sleep.'  
The young man grunted what was probably an attempt at a laugh, before following Tracy's instruction and closing his eyes.  
'Hmm, your good, not many good.' Jason mumbled before slipping away into hopefully a dreamless sleep.  
Tracy smiled at this and gave his hand a final squeeze before pulling away.  
'That's it, sleep for a little while Jason.'

Groaning under her breath as her knees, creaked and snapped from being crouched for so long she moved towards the door. Casting a final glance at her patient, her brow furrowed. She needed more information to help him effectively, she needed his clinical notes.  
Notes that didn't exist.  
Wandering down the corridor she cast a glance at her fob watch to discover that she had 35 minutes to finish up the rest of her tasks and deliver handover to the day shift. 

Then, she supposed, she had no other choice but to visit her old mentor, if anyone knew how to help Jason Todd, Leslie Thompkins did. If his notes were anywhere they would be with her.  
Although in all honesty going up against the Batman was a lot easier that Doctor Thompkins, for even the Dark Knight knew better than to cross her path. 

 

Tracy drove from Arkham to the clinic in the Bowery like a bat out of hell. She didn't bother to change out of her uniform, merely parking up, flinging her rucksack over her shoulder and storming through the battered double doors with more purpose than she'd ever had in her life.  
Her old placement hadn't changed. The drab reception was chaos, full to the brim with Gotham's criminal and poverty stricken population. Walking a few steps in she noticed a woman lean against the wall, her head drooping. Rushing over Tracy helped the woman down to the floor and smiled brightly.

'Hey, hey it's okay. What's your name?'  
'Mar-Marnie.'  
'Marnie, my names Tracy, I'm going to get you some help okay? Can you take a couple of deep breaths for me?' Looking up she spotted a passing intern and waved her arm at him. 'Nurse? Nurse, I need some help over here.'  
The lad nodded and half jogged over to crouch down by the woman before turning to gape at Tracy.  
'Y-you're from-'  
'Yup. Now see to your patient, nurse.' Tracy answered curtly before rising back to her feet and waltzing over to the front desk. 

Sighing she cocked an eyebrow at the rather irate man bellowing at the top of his lungs, his left hand held in a bloody tea towel.  
'I've been here hours! What? Am I meant to bleed out in the fucking waiting room?'  
'Sir? Calm down.'

Growling the man turned to Tracy and lifted his fist but the brunette just blinked back at him.  
'Sure hit me. Then I'll have to press charges and both of us will have to go to the station and do all that tedious paperwork. Trust me, I do not appreciate extra paperwork. Now, I understand you must be in pain but please sir, sit down and wait your turn.'  
The man lowered his fist, eyes widening when he recognised the pale grey scrubs, his eyes snapped to the ID badge looped around her rucksack.  
'You're - you'refrom Arkham!'

The entire waiting room fell silent, a nervous tension hummed in the air. It was sad really, that just the name Arkham sent pangs of fear and dread through any Gothamite.  
Forcing a smile Tracy inclined her head and motioned towards an empty chair.  
'Indeed I am. Now please sir, sit down and wait your turn. I shall see that some painkillers are brought to you.'  
Swallowing the man looked from Tracy to the chair, to the receptionist before going back to Tracy again.  
'Yes nurse. Sorry nurse.' He mumbled before skulking off and sitting down with a pained groan. 

Before Tracy could turn to speak to the receptionist however, a familiar calm voice broke the deathly silence.  
'My waiting room is quiet. That can only mean one thing. Vigilantes or you Nurse Carter.'  
Huffing a laugh, Tracy turned and cocked an eyebrow at her mentor who looked just as tired and bedraggled as she did. Nights really were a bitch in this hell of a city.  
'Uh huh and which would you prefer doctor?'  
'The vigilantes.' Leslie quipped back immediately with a knowing smile. 'They are easier to please'  
'Well then, you're going to love me this morning. When you're free?' Tracy quipped before pushing through the doors and heading for Dr. Thompkins' office. 

Making her way inside Tracy smiled at the familiar office, remembering the laughter and tears she had shared in this little room. If it wasn't for Leslie she probably would never have dreamt that she could be working at Arkham today. A couple of files lay on the desk. Placing down her rucksack she wandered over and picked them up. One was a name she didn't know, Tom Stuart and was rather thick. The other though made her blood run cold. Even thicker than Tom Stuart's and very dog eared.  
Jason Peter Todd was written on top. Deceased was stamped over it in big red letters.  
Tracy didn't know what to make of it. The file she came for was just sat on the desk, as if the old doctor knew she would be coming for it, today. 

The door clicked open.  
'Tracy, it's a pleasure to see you.'  
'Like wise'  
The young woman mumbled under her breath, fingers tracing the red letters thoughtfully.  
'You knew I was coming? You knew what for? You had Jason's files and your just kept them here?'  
Smiling Leslie sat down at her desk, offering her ex-student one of the mugs of coffee she held.  
'You're a good nurse Tracy. I have never held your hand and I won't start now. It's up to you to do your homework. How is Jason?'  
'We had an incident last night, but I got him settled by the time I left.' Tracy replied sitting down in her usual spot in front of Leslie's desk and sipping the liquid gold which made her body sing in relief, ah blessed caffeine.  
'Good, good. When Dick told me what had happened I did want to visit but I am not sure if my presence would be welcomed.'

'Dick?' Catching the name Tracy lifted her head and frowned in confusion.  
'Jason's brother? Dick Grayson, Batman?'  
Nodding Leslie smiled slightly, grey eyes twinkling.  
'I see Mr Todd has already started opening up to you. Yes, Dick is the eldest of the Wayne children. You then have Jason, Timothy and Damian. There are also three girls. Barbara Gordon, Cassandra Cain, she like the three eldest boys is adopted, and Stephanie Brown.'  
Eyes boggling Tracy hummed and took a thoughtful gulp of coffee.  
Nodding, she glanced at the file in her hands and inclined her head.  
'Is Jason estranged from all of them?'  
'Yes. However, if you wish to encourage him to talk about his family? Start with Alfred Pennyworth, the family butler. I believe Jay has yet to fall out with him, and quite frankly they both have a soft spot for each other.'  
Nodding Tracy made a mental note of the name and flipped open the old file.

Flicking through the notes her heart sank. Jason had been through so much in his short life. His father was called Wallis, abusive, incarcerated, killed. Step-mother, Catherine, heroin addict as Jason had disclosed to her. She overdosed, Jason found her. Dear God.  
The notes just got worse from there on in. A long list of failures, failures by the adults who were meant to keep Jason safe. Failures from professionals like herself. The picture it painted was painful and bleak, yet it fitted together the pieces of the puzzle she had already gathered.  
It wasn't that though that caused Tracy to bite her lip and let out a shaky breath. It was the descriptions of the Jason's persona throughout.  
'Bright little boy' 'loving' 'happy and chatty' 'frightened but good eye contact. Joked with guardian.'

The autopsy report was a difficult read. Putting a story behind the scars she had seen on her patient's body. The haunting deep Y down his chest, that he tried to hide from himself never mind the rest of the world. Memories of the horrendous hour it took to body map him fired up the guilt she already felt.  
Thankfully Leslie remained quiet as she read, the ever present rock who let her process the information at her own pace.

'Tom Stuart. Jason's file post-mortem. I am afraid I hold no information from the age of fifteen to eighteen.' Leslie finally spoke softly, handing over the second file that was on her desk.  
Taking it Tracy nodded and took a tentative sip of her coffee. She needed it. The story this file painted was just as bad as the first. If not worse.  
The words that described him had changed.  
'Violent' 'aggressive' 'angry' 'oppositional' 'vacant'

'He can't stay at Arkham, Leslie. How can I help him when his safe place is compromised by the Joker? Blackgate will be just as bad. They couldn't cope with him. The other inmates will take a dislike to his presence. His patience will not stand it. I need help.'  
Looking up at her old mentor, she tilted her jaw up slightly in defiance.  
' Please help me Leslie. I-I don't know what to do.'

Leslie smiled warmly before giving her old student a hard stare.  
'I must warn you Tracy. If you carry on with this you are not only risking your job but your licence, possibly even imprisonment. Do you understand me?  
'Like you are?' Tracy replied blankly. 'I know what I am risking. I made that decision when I concealed my knowledge of his true identity. I trained to help people Leslie, not torture them. Sometimes, the correct way is not the right way. Sometimes, sometimes we must take a different approach.'  
'A different approach.' Leslie parroted before leaning back and drinking her coffee, closing weary eyes. 'Funny, I've been told that phrase twice in one shift.'  
'Huh?' 

A wry smile crossed the doctors lips and she pointedly took a long gulp of her drink; opening her eyes to look at the young nurse in amusement.  
'A rather frustrated Dick visited me earlier. He'd found out about Jason's sightseeing trip to the Golden Bridge. He couldn't understand why no one at Arkham had called him. I informed him that, that was probably your doing, Nurse Carter.'  
Tracy just blinked back, not entirely sure how to respond to that one.  
Chuckling Leslie shook her head and carried on with her tale.  
'He was most interested as to how you got him to come down. I take it, Jason wished to speak with his brother?'

'Indeed.' Tracy replied with a nod. 'However I am reluctant to even consent to such a meeting through the proper channels. He spoke on the phone with Jason yesterday. Resulting in my patient being restrained and IM'd, never mind the lasting distress that lead to him absconding. It is not in his best interests right now.'  
Pursing her lips Leslie nodded and finished off her coffee.  
'That does not surprise me, Tracy. Those two have a rocky relationship at best. Dick, however, wished to know who you were. I gave him your address, you should expect a visit.'

'You did what!' Tracy balked, eyes widening in horror. 'You gave my address to a volatile man ?'  
'He would have found it anyway. I just helped. Like I'm helping you, now.'  
'Fucking hell Leslie! The Joker can find out my God damn address? That doesn't mean I'm gonna waltz into his cell and give it to him! How on earth, is giving an unstable vigilante my address helping me?'  
Chuckling at Tracy's face, which had gone a rather amusing shade of crimson, Leslie leant forwards and rested her chin on her hands.  
'Tracy, you came here for my help because you want to help Jason. I am giving you that help. You said so yourself, Jason requires a different approach. The vigilantes are that different approach. You entered their world the moment you concealed your knowledge of Jason's identity, the moment you worked out his identity back as my student. Dick is just as concerned about Jason's welfare as you are. I think, maybe, if you two put your heads together, your combined experience and resources could come up with a solution?'

Snorting Tracy shook her head and downed the last of her coffee before slamming it on the desk.  
'I really don't see him being much help, I'm sorry Leslie. He was the one who admitted Jason and judging by what he told him, Dick has no intention of changing that.'  
'Tracy Carter!' Leslie scolded, eyes narrowed in disapproval. 'Do not make assumptions. You are a better nurse than that. Act like it.'  
Nodding slightly when Tracy ran a weary hand across her brow and mumbled an apology, Leslie leant back in her chair with a hum.

'Dick is the eldest brother. He has recently lost his adopted father, the third parent before the age of 25. He has been left with Batman's mantle and three brothers, all of whom are falling apart at the seams and pulling him in three different directions. He's young, frightened and grieving. At the moment I doubt he even knows what day it is. And truth be told? I'm worried.'  
'Worried? Hang on. Woah. You want me to 'talk' to him? What am I? The Batfamily nurse?'  
Tracy protested, and yet she couldn't stop the concern that tugged at her mind about what she had just been told. Dick must feel so alone right now, like Jason.  
Smirking Leslie shrugged a shoulder, a sly smile melting across her face that screamed 'bingo'.  
'Unbelievable.' Tracy muttered under her breath, and damn it all, her mentor's smile just grew in response.

'McDonald's breakfast. Pancakes, extra maple syrup and I'll consider it.'  
'How about proper pancakes with maple syrup, and coffee at Pauli's?'  
Leslie gave her counter offer with a quirked eyebrow. Shaking her head Tracy sighed and started packing the clinical notes safely into her rucksack.  
'I am so fired.' She mumbled, following Dr Thompkins as she stood and left the office. Pausing Tracy glanced out into the busy waiting room and then back down at her uniform.  
'Um, can I get changed first?'  
A nurse from Arkham was never welcome in Gotham, especially in the Bowery, she really should have changed before racing over all guns blazing.  
Nodding Leslie motioned towards the little staff room.  
'You know where to go Tracy. I shall wait in the car for you.'

'Leslie?'  
'Yes?'  
'Does Dick know that you've asked me to speak with him?'  
Turning Tracy watched that sly, infuriating smile stretch across the doctor's face, again.  
'Dick came to me asking for my help. I may have neglected to inform him exactly, what help I was providing him with.'  
Leslie Thompkins, a fantastic doctor with a good heart, but as sly and manipulative as you got. Tracy supposed she had to be, working a free clinic in the Bowery and looking after the vigilantes. She couldn't help but wonder if she was like that? Would she end up like that?

'Oh God, I'm gonna die, die or be fired, probably both.' Tracy groaned as she pushed through the door of the staff room.  
Chuckling Leslie shook her head.  
'Don't be a drama llama, Tracy. Dick doesn't kill, just maims or seriously harms.'  
Rolling her eyes Tracy shook her head.  
'Oh, well, that sounds so much better.' She scoffed slamming the door pointedly behind her laughing old mentor.  
'What on God's earth have you just agreed to Tracy Carter.' Tracy mumbled to herself as she stropped over to the changing room (well, cupboard.)  
Feeling very much that her life was never going to be the same again. The God damn Batman knew where she lived!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Six months is all I ask.

After a long, final 13 hour shift of the week, nothing seemed more like heaven than the prospect of a bath, wine and bed, oh sweet blessed bed.   
Tracy almost crawled through her front door, dumping her rucksack, she stripped off her uniform and made straight for the bathroom to lose herself in bubbles, and water hot enough to remove several layers of skin.  
A few hours, luke warm bath water and a trashy romance novel later, Tracy reemerged dressed in a cami top and shorts set and her fluffy dressing gown. Claiming a bottle of Merlot on her way to the living room, she slumped down on the couch and reached for the remote to start up Netflix.  
It was now nearing 1 am but she had the entire day off tomorrow, so drinking wine and sobbing to some crappy film for a couple of hours was totally fine.  
Escapism, in all honesty wine and Netflix were the vices that kept the young nurse sane.

Tracy worked with some of the most volatile and violent of Gotham's criminal population. If her career taught her one thing, it was the ability to know when you were being watched. Damn it, she had almost forgotten about Leslie's exhortation from last week. Closing her eyes she sighed wearily and didn't even bother to look up.  
'Hello, Boy.'

The Batman stepped out of the shadows by her window. Surprise clear by his body language.  
'Staff Nurse Carter?' He questioned, watching as the young woman stood and nodded.  
'I'm pleased to meet you. Although, I do have a front door? Was breaking in really necessary?'   
Tracy smirked when Dick looked over at the front door and then back to the window, as if such a simple notion like knocking on a door hadn't occurred to him before.  
'Maybe you should try it sometime, Dick?'

'You know my name.'   
Dick swallowed before nodding briskly.  
'It makes sense that you should know who I am. With your connections with Leslie.' He muttered at the rate of knots, his eyes scanning the room, most probably noting every detail.  
Pursing her lips Tracy noticed how the young man rocked on the balls of his feet.  
He can't keep still, energy constantly buzzing through him. Tracy mused to herself before smiling sweetly.

' I have a feeling that you are not here to talk about my working relationship with Dr Thompkins.'  
'No' The new Batman replied, quickly moving to fiddle with the ornaments on the mantel piece, humming a song quietly under his breath.  
The young man was agitated, nervous, remaining silent Tracy observed his behaviour for a moment with interest.  
'You're here regarding my patient, Jason Todd.'  
Dick froze before nodding briskly and moving to forage through the books on the bookshelf, humming at those which met his approval.  
'Jason is my brother.'  
'I know, Dick.' Tracy replied softly, reaching out to touch his shoulder. Her voice calm and soothing. Dick swallowed and turned slightly towards the physical contact, apparently confused by it.  
'Ah, of course you would. My apologies.'  
With a sharp intake of breath, he began pacing again, fiddling with whatever caught his attention.

'I was about to make some cocoa. Would you like one?'   
Tracy offered with a smile motioning towards the couch. Hopefully drinking something would be enough to still him long enough so she could talk to him effectively.  
Dick paused for a moment, frowning at the glass of red wine and the open bottle on the coffee table in confusion.  
'Cocoa?'  
'My time alone with a glass of Merlot and my TV went out the window when you came through it. So? Would you like a mug of cocoa or not?' Tracy replied moving towards the kitchen slowly.  
Dick looked back at the wine, clearly buying her explanation with a nod and glancing over at her.  
'Yes please, Nurse, I would like that, very much.'  
Tracy nodded and motioned towards the couch again. A slight smile crossing her lips, when Dick paused before removing the cowl apprehensively. Despite his unease he must be feeling secure with her, allowing himself to trust, apparently this came easier than it did with Jason. The lack of trust on Jason's behalf wasn't a bi-product of his Bat training then.

Woah. Sure, she'd seen pictures of the infamous Dick Grayson in magazines but nothing prepared her for the real deal. Soft, ebony locks framed his flawless face, his eyes, a striking sky blue but they were empty, void of emotion.  
Returning her smile weakly Dick shrugged a shoulder, clearly not overly comfortable with baring his face, despite it being an action he initiated.  
'Can- have you got any cookies? Please?'

He looked like a boy, stood in the middle of her living room asking for cookies. Like Jason she supposed. Maybe it was linked with their stolen childhoods? Growing up exposed to things no child should ever see. The cookie obsession was a mystery though. What was it with the two eldest Batboys and cookies? Were the younger two the same?  
'Sure thing. I'll be right back, sit tight.' Tracy replied, purposely avoiding mentioning him removing the cowl.  
'Just. Don't break anything, okay?'  
'Yes Nurse!'   
Dick finally grinned, although it still did not reach his eyes, and gave her a playful salute. Now there was at least the ghost of the Richard Grayson everyone knew. Smiling Tracy chuckled and rolled her eyes before leaving to go hunt down cookies.

It wasn't long until Tracy was pushing open the door with her foot, juggling a tray with two mugs of cocoa (she had added whipped cream and marshmallows on Dick's) and plate full of cookies; she bit back a sigh at the sight before her. Dick was still pacing the room, sifting through paperwork, tapping the melody he hummed as he searched her DVD collection. In the mere ten minutes it had taken for her to go to the kitchen and back again the young, rather volatile, man had managed to completely unravel her life and yet still energy just sparked off him.   
'Dick? You cannot drink your cocoa if your pacing the room like that?' Pausing she caught his eye and raised her eyebrows. 'Sit down, Dick.'  
Dick halted abruptly in his tracks, eyes widening when he realised what he was doing and nodding slightly.   
'Of course.'  
Finally sitting down he drummed his fingers in his lap and shot her an apologetic smile.  
'Sorry, Nurse.'  
'That's quite alright. Call me Tracy, this isn't the fifties anymore.'

Setting down the tray she took up the spot next to him on the couch, smiling at him studying the offering, his knees began to tremble at the sight of the mug of cocoa with whipped cream and marshmallows on it.  
'Yes Dick, that one is yours.'   
Letting out a hum of delight the young man quickly seized it and plunged his mouth into the cream without a pause for breath. It was an odd image indeed watching the Batman grin with a face full of cream and marshmallow. Such innocence married with the armour of vigilante was an odd sight indeed.

Chuckling, Tracy shook her head and relaxed into the chair, watching him place down his drink and eye up the plate of cookies. Emotion finally seeping into those eyes, a melancholy sadness.  
'Jason likes cookies.'  
'Indeed, only way I can get him to comply with taking his meds some days.'  
Tracy offered the small nugget of information she knew she really shouldn't but the amusement that shined in the man's eyes was worth the risk.  
'You know him. He only talks to people he trusts, he trusts you.'   
He nodded as if to reassure himself of the statement as he collected one in his gloved hand, nibbling it thoughtfully.

 

Tracy sipped her drink with a smile, and waited.   
The drink and cookies were working, Dick was now sat down and not pacing the room. Now he was settled, it was just a matter of time until his thought processes slowed down enough for the reason why he was here to become clear to him again.  
Obviously she knew why he was here, but she thought it best to wait for Dick to start that conversation.

'I need help, Nurse.' Dick finally mumbled, shooting her a desperate look before going back to his drink.  
'You need help?' Tracy leant forward, mirroring the young man's body language as she spoke.  
Nodding Dick opened his mouth to speak, before frowning and shaking his head violently.  
'No, no, I don't mean that kinda help. I'm not a crazy person or anything.'  
'Uh huh. Yeah, that's what Jason says too.'  
'I'm not him.'   
Nodding Tracy took another sip of her own drink and shrugged a shoulder.  
'Well, obviously, your name's not Jason for a start.'

Dick frowned in confusion at this and cocked an eyebrow at the nurse before pressing on with what he wanted to talk about.  
'I've done a terrible thing, Nurse.'   
Running a weary hand down his face the young man looked so very, very tired.  
'I only wanted to help him. I just want my brother back.'   
A shaky breath left his cracked lips and Dick lifted watery, sad eyes to hers.  
'I don't know how to save him.'  
Tracy pursed her lips and nodded slowly.

'Dick, you can not save your brother from that warehouse,that is in the past, you cannot change it. Jason doesn't need saving. Right now? All he needs is someone, his brother, to accept him for who he is now, to support him.'   
Pursing her lips Tracy cocked her head, watching Dick try and process what she was saying but not really understanding.  
'Think of it this way. Are you the same person you were at fifteen?'  
Dick's frown increased before he nodded slightly.   
It was sinking in. Slowly. Tears brimmed in his eyes.  
Reaching past the cookies, Tracy handed him the box of tissues.  
'If you want to help your brother, you need to let go of the boys you two once were. They don't exist anymore do they? They grew up.'

'He was my Little Wing.' Dick muttered with a weak smile before he lost the fight and tears began to roll silently down his cheeks. He was a silent crier, again just like his brother, interesting.  
'I think I've done something wrong, very wrong. I shouldn't have incarcerated him, I just wanted to help but I got angry, I don't know what I'm doing. I- God- I don't know anymore.'  
Reaching out Tracy placed a hand on his. Leslie had been right, she had fallen into the trap of making assumptions.  
'I heard about your loss. I'm sorry. It must be very hard, to wear his cowl, to take his place. Dick, you can't look after everyone else and not yourself. You need to grieve, honey.'  
Shaking his head, Dick buried his head in his hands and began to openly sob.

'I didn't want to be the Batman. The city was falling apart. T-Tim and Jason pushed and pushed me. I had no choice. Like A-Arkham, I had no choice, Jay gave me no fucking choice. What was I meant to do?   
I'm not B, Jay won't listen to me, he barely listened to him. Then there's Tim vanishing off convinced B is still alive, hating me and, and Damian is hurt- Urgh.'  
Wiping his eyes Dick collected himself, Tracy would have said surprisingly quickly, but after seeing Jason fall apart and get it together within minutes, she was getting used to seeing such things. A product of their training perhaps?

'I just- I need to start making things right. Somehow.'  
'You care for your family a great deal.'   
Tracy leant forwards, brow furrowing in deep thought as she watched the young man nod before letting out another hitched sob.  
'Then take him home.'  
Hitching his breath Dick raised his head and gaped at her, completely and utterly baffled before shaking his head and turning away.  
'No.'  
'Dick-'  
'No, Nurse. Just, no, okay? Jason can't. I'm not even living at the manor. He won't, I can't. No.'

'Richard.'   
Speaking his full name seemed to shut him up almost instantly and a pair of blue eyes blinked back at her silently. Closing her eyes, Tracy huffed a breath before digging out her cigarettes and lighting one up.  
'Dick, I am a nurse. I don't torture people, I refuse to. Jason being in Arkham does just that. Blackgate, as you know, will not work and no other facility out of state will accept an inmate from Arkham. Dick, I am backed into a corner and I think you want him back in the community as little as I do but right now? I am getting desperate.'  
Shaking his head Dick, swallowed down another sob and reached for his cowl, making to leave.  
'Six months. Give me six months and Jason will come home with you.'  
Dick paused, cowl halfway back onto his head before he dropped it and cocked a disbelieving eyebrow at her.

'Can tell you're one of Leslie's. You honestly think you can do in six months, what neither myself nor B has ever been able to achieve since Jason returned?'  
'Six months. You want your brother back. I want to help him. I'd say we have no choice but to work with each other? Jay has already agreed to work with me, will you?'  
Dick froze and blinked at the nurse for a few moments. Had he heard that right? Jason agreed, actually agreed to work with this random woman he'd barely known for a month?   
Right now he had nothing, if it went wrong, he'd have nothing still, what was there to lose?  
'What will you have me do?'

That's all the acceptance Tracy needed. Smiling she took a deep drag from her cigarette and stubbed it out in her ashtray.  
'First, you're going to start visiting him. I don't care what you wear. You just have to visit him, regularly, in a predictable pattern. You'll also meet up with me on a regular basis. You vigilantes look after your own so let's start that process. Six months and you can bring your brother home under your protection.'  
'Uh huh, and how exactly are we going to get Arkham to discharge him? In six months!'

A dark, smirk stretched across the young woman's lips, taking out another cigarette she lit up again.  
'Who said anything about discharging? I'm a nurse not a miracle worker. We can talk about that at a later stage and before you say it I know what I'm risking. Like you do with Leslie, just accept the help and resources I'm giving you.'

Dick was silent for a long moment before he gave the smouldering cigarette a disapproving look.  
'Those things will kill you.'  
'Ha, I work on High Security and am now conversing with vigilantes. If anything is gonna kill me it ain't gonna be these.'   
Tracy smiled, when Dick chuckled in response, and she nodded towards the bottle of wine.  
'There's another glass in the kitchen.'  
The young man returned the smile and made off on his mission, having a feeling that he was going either going to deeply regret or be ever thankful for taking Leslie's advice and making contact with Nurse Carter. He concluded that it would probably be both.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> To get a child's trust - you may know or not - is a very hard thing to do. They're so used to not believing adults - because adults tell tales and lies all the time.
> 
> Maurice Sendak

Arkham's Juvenile Wing was one of the worst wings to work on in the entire building. The only reason it was not the worst was due to High Security housing the likes of the Joker, otherwise Juvie would beat them hands down.  
Mock arguments as to whose wing was truly the worst to work on were common amongst the two staff teams during breaks, however the ward manager of Juvie, Abbie, always won the debate hands down, without fail.  
'Working Juvie is just like working High Security, but with hormones thrown in for good measure. You think you got it bad? Try dealing with hormones!'

The day had barely begun. Two hours into the day shift and Juvie was already chaos. Breakfast was no where near finished. Only five of the twelve kids currently on the wing had been successfully extracted from bed and there was a whole twelve hours still to go.  
Abbie closed her eyes and counted slowly to ten before she turned and cocked her eyebrow at her most recent patient. 15 year old Dean, who at this precise moment in time was refusing to eat breakfast and was spiralling into needing a restraint.  
'Dean. I won't ask you again. Either go and eat breakfast or go to your room.'  
'Fuck you!' Dean yelled back, literally bouncing with agitation before swiping the papers off the top of the nurses station.  
'Hood, always says breakfast is important, Mouth. I heard he's downstairs.'  
Lexie, a quiet 17 year old girl, smirked as she shuffled out of the dining room still holding a slice of toast.  
Abbie blinked in surprise when Dean stilled, shooting a glance at Lexie before storming off to slump down at a table and grab a bowl of porridge.  
'Fucking hate this hell hole!'

Abbie frowned and exchanged glances with her colleagues who just shrugged, before turning back to Lexie who had curled up in a chair in the day room, humming a song quietly as she finished off her toast.  
'Lexie? What was that about the Red Hood?'  
The girl lifted her head and smiled sweetly as if she had no idea what the nurse was going on about.  
'Huh?'  
'Lexie!'  
Folding her arms, Abbie cocked her head at the teen who shrugged and got back up and moved off towards her room, singing the song she'd been humming, softly to herself.

'You can run on for a long time, run on for a long time, sooner or later Hood's gonna cut you down, sooner or later Hood's gonna cut you down.' 

The song wasn't new. Anyone who worked with Gotham's troubled youth had heard kids singing that song at one point or other. If you took a walk down Crime Alley in the early hours of the morning you could here the street kids singing it, drumming the beat out on a random dumpster.  
When the Batman failed them the kids of Gotham turned to the Red Hood. Although to what extent exactly the kids were involved with the Hood remained a mystery.

Abbie exchanged yet more looks with the rest of the nurses. They might have just stumbled onto something. Whatever dealings these kids had with the Red Hood, the man's name meant 'something' to them. It wasn't fear, no the staff on Juvie had seen how the kids reacted to someone they feared, this? This could almost be called, respect?  
Over the next few shifts their theory was only proven right. The knowledge that the Red Hood was downstairs had improved behaviour.  
The night shift the next week was the deciding factor.

The eight usual suspects were up two hours past bedtime, lounging around the Day room being oppositional to staff who tried to move them on.  
'Everyone, rooms, now, we wouldn't want the Hood finding out that none of you are sleeping.' Abbie announced hands on her hips.  
Ryan snorted and folded his arms.  
'Nice try, but the Hood don't care when we go to bed.'  
'Is that so?' Lexie muttered from where she was beginning to uncurl from her spot on the couch. 'What did Hood do when you went to him with that Intel at gone 2 am? And he found out you'd been up for two days Rye?'  
Shuddering Ryan swallowed before jumping down off the arm of the chair he'd been sitting on.  
'Fine. I'm going.' He mumbled as he stropped off.  
The rest began moving off to their rooms, including Dean who's favourite word had been 'no' all day.

A few hours later, Tracy was sat in the staff room, thoroughly enjoying her half hour break with a coffee and a gossip magazine, whilst half heartedly wondering if an IV of coffee really would kill you or if it was all just lies.

Humming along to the tune playing on the radio the nurse lifted her eyes to see her old friend from nursing school and another nurse grinning down at her. A grin every nurse soon learnt to run away from five minutes after qualifying.

'No. Abbie I love you but no. I won't work a shift on juvie. I don't do kids. Just. No.'  
Taking a gulp of coffee she went back to her magazine but her friend's grin just grew.  
'Oh no Trace that's not what I'm asking, although if you could, awesome. No, no we just want to know if we can borrow him. Just for half an hour or something?'  
Abbie chuckled when Tracy quirked an eyebrow from over the top of her magazine.  
'Huh? Who?'  
'The Red Hood.' 

The magazine was placed slowly down onto the table and Tracy shook her head in confusion.  
'Say what now? You want the Hood in Juvie?'  
Opening her mouth to begin another sentence Tracy stopped herself short and frowned. Doing the math in her head she calculated Jason's age before subtracting a few years for developmental delays. Huh, Jason actually was young enough to be on juvie, hang on, juvie was at the top of Arkham, the exact opposite end of high security and the Joker. That could work.

'Only for half an hour Trace. We'll give him right back?' Abbie pleaded, pouting she fluttered her eyelashes at her friend who seemed to be calculating something before nodding with a tired groan.  
'Urgh, fine. I'll sort it.'  
'Really?' Looking over at her colleague Abbie's eyebrows disappeared into her hairline. 'Don't you want to know why we want him?'  
Sighing Tracy sipped her coffee and smirked.  
'Honey, if you keep him, you can do whatever you like. But, if you really must, I got fifteen minutes, shoot.'

The next day shift both nurses were on Jason found himself sat down in the dining room with a wad of paper and a pen shoved in front of him.  
Raising an eyebrow he looked back up at the nurse from Juvie, Abbie she said her name was.  
'Hang on, sorry, I think the meds are kicking in. You want me to do what now?'  
Motioning to the blank sheet of paper Abbie smiled brightly.  
'I'd like you to write down a good day to day routine for a troubled teenager.'

Jason frowned at the paper and looked up at Tracy in confusion.  
'Is this some kind of therapy because I gotta give it to ya Trace, this? This is weird.'  
Shaking her head Tracy smiled warmly and sat down next to her colleague.  
'No, Jay. This isn't therapy, unless you want it to be? In which case I'm easy.'  
Jason gaped and looked from Tracy to Abbie before frowning back down at the paper again.  
'Yeah, um, I know I'm in the nut house right? Like yeah, sure, I've been dealing with crazies for most of my life but you two?'  
Looking up Jason shook his head and closed his eyes in complete and utter dejection.  
'You two are a whole new level crazy I don't think I can handle.'

Chuckling Abbie shook her head and shot her colleague a look.  
'Jay. Listen to me. My kids? In Juvie? The only way I can get them to do anything is to threaten them with you. They behave if they think you'll be disappointed in them?'  
'For fucks sake. When did I turn into Alfred?'  
'Who?'  
Sighing Jason rolled his eyes and shook his head.  
'Never mind, continue.'  
All I'm asking is for you to write a routine, sign it and deliver it to the kids. Then I have hard proof of what they have to do and it will all be certified by you so hopefully they'll play ball.'

Jason's brow furrowed again and he looked back up at Tracy questioningly.  
'You're sending me back to juvie? Ain't that, like the complete opposite of the 'progress' you waffle on about?'  
'You'll come back, Jay. It's just a visit. Plus, you're too old to be up there aren't you?'  
Shooting Tracy a fiery look Jason scowled at her.  
'Well, we wouldn't know that one. Would we nurse?'  
Smirking Tracy cocked an eyebrow at him.  
'In which case, you'll have no problem completing the task Abbie has given you? Being all grown up and all.'

Sighing Jason picked up the pen and clicked it open, lifting his eyes to look at Abbie. She seemed quite shocked by how Tracy spoke to him. God knows why? Wasn't the damn woman as infuriating to everyone else as she was with him?  
'When you want it by, Abs?'  
'Tomorrow will be fine. We've got you ward leave to come visit.'  
'You all conspire against me. I swear to God.' He muttered under his breath.

He completely ignored Abbie when she made her farewells and gave her thanks.  
Jason spent the rest of the day in his cell, sat at the desk, completely restructuring the juvenile ward because Jesus Christ did these buffoons know anything about kids?

The next day the Juvenile Wing was as lively as ever. Well, most people would use adjectives such as agitated, hormone induced chaos, but no one was threatening harm to themselves or others, so the staff on shift considered it a win.  
After lunch, the locked doors clicked open and Jason wandered onto the wing flanked by two guards and Tracy.

Dean was the first to spot the visitor currently having his handcuffs removed. Freezing to the spot, the 15 year old blinked, shook his head and looked again.  
'Hood? That you?'  
Eleven other heads popped up to look at the door when they heard the name and the room fell silent.  
Lifting his head Jason offered the kid a smile and a wave.  
'Hey Dean. Weren't you in regular juvie?'  
'It is you! Hood, you're the Red Hood!'

Abbie watched in stunned silence as the boy, who would literally break you hand if you attempted any form of affection, charged towards the man, flinging his arms around him, a huge smile on his face. Jesus Christ, it was like the end of the Railway Children.  
The others exchanged looks with each other before eleven teenagers made a run for the young man. Piling on top of him, knocking him down to the floor with elated whoops. Abbie shook her head and walked out from behind the nurses station, watching the scene in bemused silence with the rest of her colleagues. These were Gotham's most damaged children. You had to watch how you walked down the corridors because even if you just brushed them in passing, they would blow up in defensive fury. All of whom were now in a dog pile on top of Gotham's most damaged vigilante.

Folding her arms Tracy gnawed her bottom lip in concern. She couldn't even see Jason for the pile of kids on top of him, well, that might be his foot but she wasn't overly sure.  
Jason's voice could be heard above the din, greeting all twelve kids by name. He knew every single one of them.  
Of all the possible outcomes she had come up with whilst risk assessing this visit, this? This hadn't even made it on to the list and she had included the wing being gatecrashed by a red kryptonite enraged Superman.

'Alright, that's enough. Inappropriate touching, everyone hit the wall.' Abbie ordered, stepping forward as she finally got her head back in the game and made to take control of the situation.  
'Everyone hit the wall. I won't tell you all again. Hood, you too.'  
'Aw man, I ain't done nuttin?'  
Came a muffled complaint from beneath twelve giggling bodies.  
Sitting up, Jason peeled off children with a huge grin, ruffling their hair as he went. One look off Tracy however, had him standing and moving to hit the wall as ordered.  
'This sucks.' He grumbled.  
'Tell us about it.'  
Lexie piped up, moving with the rest of the kids to follow suit and lean against the wall with matching scowls.

The teens grumbled, slowly growing more agitated, driven on by Dean who just kept yelling, expletives and insults at the staff. The visit was clearly going to go south.  
Before any of the staff could intervene though Jason lifted his head and winked at the boy.  
'Chill ya beans, Mouth. Just think of all the lovely stretching our back muscles are getting. We'll be as limber as Nightwing by dinner.'  
Snorting Dean shook his head and threw him an amused look.  
'Unreal Hood, unreal. Ain't ya heard? Nightwing's Batman now.'  
Jason blinked, was there anything these kids didn't know about the city? He wouldn't be surprised if they actually knew who Nightwing/Batman was; who he was and just kept mom because why spoil the game?  
'Heh, yeah, I noticed that one kid. Right before he slammed me in here.'  
'I hear ya, Hood.'  
Another boy piped up shaking his head in empathy for the young man's plight.

Abbie shook her head at the exchange. How easily the young man conversed with them all. If Tracy could get the guy to reform, someone should make him a youth worker. Hell, put him through his training and she'd happily have him work on her wing, criminal record or not. Anyone who could get through to these kids was freaking gold dust.

'Right, everyone, listen up. Mr Hood here has kindly taken his time to put together a new routine for you. Isn't that right Mr Hood?'  
Nodding Jason pushed away from the wall, only moving away fully when an experimental glance to Tracy proved to him that it was okay to do so. Being tazzered in Juvie would be beyond embarrassing.

'Yeah.' Jason agreed moving to the notice board he felt twelve eyes glue themselves to him as he fiddled with the plastic cover and removed it.  
'Stapler?'  
Abbie swallowed and looked to Tracy who nodded her assurance. Within minutes another nurse pressed a staple gun into his hands before scurrying away.  
Collecting a few sheets of paper from Tracy, Jason stapled the first two pages up and turned to face the kids.

'Sheesh enough of the back stretching.'  
Watching them all look at each other before pushing away to look up at him, Jason flashed them all a toothy grin.  
'Right class, listen and listen good. This is your Red Hood sanctioned routine and Wing rules. That is when you wake up, breakfast is optional because let's face it breakfast sucks and the hormones and meds in your bodies make you feel sick in the mornings right? See these here? These two meals are nonnegotiable, you eat them, you go to bed at this time. No ifs, no buts, no coconuts.'  
The teens chuckled at coconuts and looked over at Abbie who just smiled and rolled her eyes.  
The next page was stapled next to the other two. 

'That is your menu for the next month. No porridge and you!'  
Turning, he pointed to a fair headed boy.  
'You will eat that damn broccoli, Shortie. Broccoli is good. No one wants to be a short arse like Red Robin.'  
The kids smirked at this and a ripple of chuckles washed over them once more.  
Turning back to the notice board he stapled up the final piece of paper.  
'Say hello to your activities rota. I took dominos out because seriously? Who plays that?'

Giving himself a satisfactory hum Jason placed his hands on his hips and looked at each and every one of the teens in turn.  
'Now, real talk guys. You lot are going to follow everything on that board. Anyone breaks them I will be very disappointed in you, y'get me?'  
'Yes Mr Hood.' Came a unanimous reply from twelve voices.  
Grinning, Jason wiped imaginary dirt from his hands and moved over to flop on the couch.  
'Good. Now, someone find me something good to watch. We gots all afternoon to kill.'

The rest of the visit went smoothly, leaving the staff on the Wing quite redundant and with ample time on their hands to complete paperwork. It was surreal, to say the least.  
'He knows them Tracy and they know him. I never thought I'd say it about any of them, but they trust him?' Abbie gushed looking over at the couch where Jason was sat with all twelve teenagers.  
All of them smiling and laughing at some random comedy show one of the kids had put on. Chatting about everyday things and if anyone walked in right now, they all looked just like your normal, average, everyday teenagers who hadn't been put through hell and then some.  
It warmed and broke Abbie's heart all at the same time.  
'Tracy? Please, dear God please bring him back again. My kids, he, the Red Hood, I don't understand how but he helps them.'

Smiling at a realisation of her own, Tracy wiped at a tear threatening to escape and nodded. The visit had done Jason a world of good also.  
'He was one of them, Abbie.'  
The blonde looked from the young man to Tracy, to the young man and back again.  
'You- you know who he is?' Abbie whispered to her friend, eyes wide with shock.  
Realising her slip up Tracy forced a laugh and shook her head.  
'Don't be dumb Abs. He just told me that he used to be on the street that's all. I dunno who he is.' Flicking a look back over at Jason who was engrossed looking at the art and craft projects the kids had piled onto his lap with genuine interest, Tracy shrugged and smiled.  
'How about we make this a weekly thing?'


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You lay down your life for everyone else, but who is there to pick you up?
> 
> Dick finally visits Jason for the first time and learns that it's okay to ask for a little help.

Although the night shift had been fairly smooth, Tracy still found herself sifting through paperwork in the office an hour after handover. On the plus side though. It was her last shift of the week and once this was done she had a four day weekend to enjoy as she pleased.  
Taking a gulp of cold coffee, Tracy filed the last of the clinical notes and sauntered out onto the Wing to say her goodbyes and head home.

However, walking out onto High Security, Tracy found it in a state of panic, the calmness she had achieved at shift's end completely gone. It wasn't what an outsider would describe as panic. The inmates were sat in the Rec Room or wandering about as if it was just another day  
It was the look on her colleagues faces. They were all wearing the relaxed nurse face. Standing by the nurse's station with identical stretched smiles. .  
'Okay. What's up?' Tracy questioned, approaching the station she collected the rounding file (might as well make herself useful) and gave the Rec Room a quick scan, making a note of who was there and what they were doing, who she would have to go on a hunt for. Jason typically was one of the absentees but that was hardly a concern, he'd be in his cell as usual.

'Have you seen the visit that's been booked in for today?' Stu explained, his 'I'm totally not freaking out' smile growing. 'Richard Grayson is coming to see Jay at ten.'  
Tracy hummed and concentrated on rounding. Flicking her eyes up in hopes of looking mildly shocked. It wasn't a complete lie. She had been expecting Batman to show up.  
'Huh, well, that's, that's erm, unexpected.'  
Stu nodded and handed her over the visiting order as if she required proof to believe it or something.  
'He- he's saying he wants to help? That Red Hood saved him?'  
Scanning the order, the corners of Tracy's lips twitched into a smile.   
Oh Dick was good!  
Combined with her knowledge of his brother, she couldn't help but wonder if Batman gave his sons lessons on how to be a damn sneaky liar.  
'Hmm, well, Jay was a vigilante. Even if his morals deviated. He did try to save people.'

Scanning the room again she realised just how much her colleagues were panicking. Visitors on High Security were rare. Not only did they have a visitor but the visitor was a Wayne, one of Arkham's beneficiaries, not only that, for once they weren't under investigation. So everyone was calmly, rushing around trying to make sure everything was up to standard.   
Truth be told the behaviour of the nursing staff would be more interesting to document that the patients this morning.

'Should we lock everyone down when he arrives?'   
Paul, a young, green nurse who had just started that week asked nervously. Wide eyes scanning everyone in the Rec Room as if they were walking time bombs.  
'Hmm, that might be a good idea.' Stu mused, looking up from where he was completing the food charts.  
'No. No it wouldn't. That is exactly how we end up back under investigation.' Tracy interjected, tucking the rounding file under her arm she gave both men a hard stare.  
'Has anyone got a history with Mr Grayson? Has anyone expressed thoughts of harming Mr Grayson or a specific dislike towards him?'  
Swallowing Stu and Paul exchanged glances before shaking their heads slowly.  
'Therefore, we don't need to go into lock down. We are not short staffed. There are plenty of guards on shift today. Everything will be fine. Mr Grayson is coming to see Jay. That's all.'  
Sighing Tracy closed weary eyes and shook her head. Why did she always fall into this trap.  
'If you want I'll stay on and chaperone the visit.'  
Her colleagues looked like they wanted to literally kiss her.

Ten o'clock rolled around and Richard Grayson was bang on time. The doors to the wing beeped and clicked open. A sea of heads popped up like meerkats to look at the visitor, staff and inmate alike.  
Dick took a deep breath and walked between the guards who had chaperoned him from the front desk, making sure to keep his eyes on the floor. He'd been in High Security countless times, but always in costume as Robin, Nightwing and now Batman. It was different as a civilian. He felt vulnerable, his breath caught in his throat and no matter how much he tried to calm the torrent of anxiety that hit him, his palms were still hot and sweaty. 

He'd woken up like this and everything had just gone south from there on. Even Damian had made a snide remark, asking where he was going to make him 'react in such a weak manner'.  
Dick had just smiled and handed over the school work Gotham Academy had sent for him.  
H couldn't focus, couldn't work out what he was going to say, so he'd downed some Dutch courage and tried not to crash the car making his way here. Even Alfred didn't know he was visiting Jason. He didn't know why but he wanted to keep the visit between the two of them for now.

'Mr Grayson. Welcome, my names Tracy, I am one of the nurses. How are you?'  
Dick swallowed thickly, and looked up at her, wiping his palms mindlessly on his jeans.   
It was interesting how different he was without his vigilante persona to hide behind.  
'I'm pleased to me you Tracy. Please, call me Dick.'  
A few amused snorts erupted from the patients, who were listening in from the Rec Room, and Dick tried to suppress a shudder but wasn't overly successful at it.   
Smiling Tracy took in the smart, navy jeans coupled with a light blue shirt, he'd rolled up to his elbow, and dress shoes. He clearly wanted to look presentable but remain casual. She pondered to herself how many outfit changes he had made before coming out this morning. He struck her as the type who expressed his anxiety by obsessing over things, like how he looked, making the right impression.

'Of course Dick. Please, come this way. We've arranged for you to see Jay in the Quiet Room.' Leading Dick and the guards deeper into the Wing, she noted the confused yet intrigued look on Dick's face. Of course, he'd been expecting to see Jason in the interrogation room he normally saw inmates in, when a vigilante.   
Oh. Suddenly she realised her mistake.   
Sure the young man had been in High Security before but never as a visitor. He knew where to go to interrogate someone but that was it. Other than that he had no idea about where his brother was now staying.   
Slowing her pace she motioned behind her.  
'Everyone spends most of their time in the Rec Room behind us, the Dining Room is just opposite the Nurse's Station with the Clinic situated between the two.'  
She watched Dick follow he description with his eyes, giving a brief nod, clearly logging it all away, the brief tour seemed to be helping though. The tension in his shoulders had lessened slightly.

Stopping she beeped open the door to the Quiet Room and motioned for him to go inside.   
'This is the Quiet Room. It mainly used for when patients want some time alone, therapy sessions, doctors rounding so on and so forth. Also we use it for low key visits such as your visit today.'  
'Low key.' Dick parroted stepping inside he took in the room with wide eyes. There was a mauve couch with matching arm chairs, scatter cushions with positive quotes written on them. A coffee table with magazines on, a bookshelf and a locked cupboard labelled 'activities' and a lava lamp sat on top.  
If you ignored the fact that the furniture was all bolted to the ground it looked just like a regular living room. Dick wasn't sure why, but it helped and worsened his guilt knowing that this room existed.   
Stepping in he chose to sit in the arm chair nearest the door, he doubted Jason would sit on the couch with him and the other chair was too far in the corner for his comfort.  
'Dick?'

'Hmm?' Jolting out of his thoughts, Dick turned to see Tracy smiling at him sheepishly from by the door.  
'There's er, something you should know. I haven't been entirely truthful with you.'  
Eyebrows disappearing into his hairline Dick opened his palms, somehow despite only knowing the woman for a short time, the revelation was hardly a surprise.  
'Jay, he, he has agreed to work with me as I said, he does not however know about you or our plan to get him out of here. I think it's best that it remains that way. Okay? We don't know each other.'  
Nodding Dick smiled and offered her a small salute.  
'Got it. Don't worry Nurse, it there's one thing this family does well? It's lying to one another.'  
'And that's not disturbingly dysfunctional.' Tracy muttered before shaking her head and moving back towards the door.  
'Sit tight. I'm going to go see if I can persuade Jay to come join us.'  
'Nurse, wait!'   
Turning Tracy cocked an eyebrow at Dick who reached into his jacket.  
A packet of Marlboro cigarettes was placed on the coffee table.  
'As well as lying, us Wayne kids are particularly good at bribery.'   
Dick smirked as he also produced a packet of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups, removing one from the packaging, he held it out to the nurse with a wry smile.  
'Give Little Wing this. Tell him, if he wants more where that came from and the smokes he has to come see me.'  
Tracy quirked an eyebrow at the chocolate treat in her hand.  
'How'd you get this past security Dick?'  
'My charm.' Dick replied with a very forced grin. 'I also pointed out that death by chocolate wasn't really Jay's MO.'  
'Hmm. I worry about you.'   
Tracy mused to herself before opening the door. 'I'll be back in a moment.'

With that the nurse was gone and Dick was left alone feeling rather vulnerable again, despite knowing the guards were right outside. Closing his eyes he leant forwards. Resting his arms on his knees he let out a long, shaky breath.  
Christ, when was the last time that he had seen his brother? As in actually seen him?   
No masks, no weapons, no silly codenames just Dick and Jason.   
Had he actually seen his brother since his return from the grave?   
No, no he didn't think he had. Not even once. Christ, how on earth had he not realised that? How could he have failed his Little Wing so brutally?   
No wonder he had ended up locked away in here.  
Sitting up Dick dragged another breath through his teeth and rubbed at his eyes. No, no he was not going to cry, not in here, not in front of him.

The door clinked open again. By the sound three bodies walked in and there was a jingle of chains.  
'Thank you, George. Now please remove the restraints and leave us.'   
Tracy's voice carried over.  
Us? Jason. He must be with them but for reasons unknown to Dick he could not bring himself to look up from the floor.  
'But Nurse?'  
'It's alright. I shall call if assistance is needed.'  
'Very well.'  
The chains jingled again and footsteps left the room, shutting the door behind them.  
'Sit down, Jay. We can't stay hovering by the door.' Tracy suggested, motioning to the choice of seats.  
'I'm not hovering.' Jason muttered, watching his brother tense at the sound of his voice. Sitting down on the couch, he folded his arms and glared at him.  
'Dick!'  
A slight smile tugged at his lips and Dick raised his head to finally look at his little brother who was scowling at him.  
'Hey Jay. It's nice to hear you say my name. It's why I came the way I did.'  
'Not calling you by your name. I'm calling you a dick.' Jason spat venomously.

Rolling the peanut butter cup around in his hand, he threw it at Dick with typically accurate aim. The treat bounced off the elder's forehead, but much to Jason's frustration he didn't respond. His brother merely blinked and nodded slightly.  
'Jay.' Tracy warned, moving to sit next to her patient, eyes darting between the two young men cautiously. 'That was inappropriate.'  
'Inappropriate.' Jason huffed a bitter laugh and shook his head. 'You know who this is? This is who put me in here.' Turning back to Dick he opened his palms.  
'What y'doin here? Come to gloat?'  
Sighing Dick shook his head and picked up the sweet that had been propelled at him and put it on the coffee table.  
'No, Jay. Why would I even do that? Listen to yourself. I just, I want to, I'm trying to put things right between us.'  
Jason blinked for a moment before bursting out laughing and shaking his head.  
'Right, you expect me to believe that bullshit? What do you want Dick?'  
Pursing his lips Dick picked the peanut butter cup back up and offered it to his brother with a half smile. 

Jason was the healthiest he'd seen him in a long time. Sure, he was his usual lovable, angry bubble of angst, but his complexion was rosy instead of his usual deathly pale hue, there were no longer bags under his eyes and he seemed to have actually showered recently. If anything, at least being in Arkham was encouraging self-care, even if it was probably down to encouragement from the nurses than effort on Jason's part.  
It was a comfort, to see him looking physically well though. Dick hadn't seen him look well in any sense of the word since he came back. It eased his guilt, just a little, about admitting his brother.  
Jason still looked odd in Arkham's uniform though, vulnerable, with the guns, armour and that damn Hood stripped away, his brother looked frighteningly, vulnerable. His eyes still held that haunted nothingness that was painful to look at.  
Oh, and there was Dick's guilt again.

'I just want to talk, Jay. Please? Can we just talk? I don't care what about.'  
Tracy swallowed down a wince at Dick's last statement. Telling Jason he could talk about anything probably wasn't the best phrasing in the world.  
'Jay? Why don't you tell Dick about your visit to Juvie?'   
She offered a conversation starter in the vain hope of distraction. Dick frowned at this before smiling at his brother who was slowly turning a vibrant shade of red.  
'I don't want to fucking talk to you. I don't want to talk to them. I don't want to fucking talk to anyone! What? You think some fucking sweets and a packet of smokes will make what you've done to me alright ? Fuck you, Dick. Fuck. You. I ain't that fucking cheap, I have never been that fucking cheap.'

Slapping the hand and the chocolate away the second Robin glared at his predecessor.  
'Jay, calm down. You're spiralling.'   
Dick spoke evenly and calmly. Hell, his tone would have helped if not for the antagonistic words he was using.  
Tracy closed her eyes and took a deep breath, prematurely reaching for her panic button.   
Jason predictably, visibly tensed at this and leaned forwards, his lips curling into a threatening sneer.  
'Oh no. Don't you start that one. I'm not crazy. I passed all the tests, you can't keep me here. You can't keep me in Daddy Dearest's private petting zoo.'  
Tracy couldn't be sure exactly what her patient had said to press his buttons but the corners of Dick's lips twitched downwards.  
'You can't lie to me, Jason. Give it up. I've seen your notes the only test you've past is the drugs test. For Gods sake,I just want to talk, like rational minded human beings, is that so hard?' He spat, before apparently catching himself and taking control of his anger with a heavy sigh.  
'Little Wing, please? You're not well. I put you in here so you can get the help you need, please stop fighting me on this. You're in here for your own safety. You know that, I know you know that. Don't you?'

Tracy moved as she saw Jason tense, catching him as he went to spring forwards with an ungodly roar, restraining him back against the couch.  
'Jay, calm down.'  
'Fuck you, Dick. You can't keep me in here. You're not God!'   
Swallowing Dick felt completely useless as he watched Jason struggle against Tracy, blind to anything but his own rage. He barely recognised that Tracy had triggered an alarm until a barrage of nurses and guards filled the room and he found himself being hauled up to his feet, pushed up against the far wall out of the way.

As Batman or Nightwing, hell even as Robin, he'd have been in the middle, helping subdue Jason, but Dick Grayson found himself stood watching, helpless, all colour draining from his face as he watched his brother being dragged off back to his cell.  
This wasn't a new sight.   
He'd seen Jason blow up in a fireball of rage before.  
He'd seen inmates being restrained and sedated before. He had known there was a high possibility of this happening, yet he couldn't hack it.   
This was his brother and the sight was more than excruciatingly painful to witness.

Hot tears burned in his eyes as he stormed out towards to the exit. Pulling at the doors before realising where he was and that they were locked. Jason's voice bellowing at the staff to stop and to let him go ringing in his ears.  
Spinning on his heel he looked back over at the nursing assistants and remaining guards, who blinked at him blankly, from where they were watching the remaining inmates who seemed to be currently pretending not to exist.  
'Open the doors. I said, open the doors!'  
Dick tried to yell but it came out as as a hoarse, high pitched, desperate plea.  
Nodding a guard jogged over to unlock the door which beeped open and with that Dick fled. Dick fled to the sound of his Little Wing, his brother, screaming his name at the top of his lungs.

Tracy blew out a breath of smoke and stubbed her cigarette out onto the sidewalk, eyes lifting to Finnigan's painted sign she couldn't help but give a weary sigh. The idiot could have at least tried to make it hard for her to track him down.

The bar was practically empty except for the few hardcore drinkers who had probably been waiting outside for the place to open. Mainly ex-cops who had seen too much, lost too much and cared too little about much else anymore other than where the next drink came from. A couple raised their hand in a salute when they recognised her. Nodding her greeting, Tracy lifted her head and spotted a young man sat in the corner, crouched over the bar nursing a tumbler of Bourbon.  
'What can I get you Nurse?'  
'Can I have a Coke please?'   
Inclining her head in gratitude, she paid for her drink and watched the bartender slip away with an awkward smile. Serving Gotham's finest was one thing, a nurse from Arkham was another kettle of fish entirely.

Sipping her drink Tracy moved to take up the stool next to the dark haired, young man and mirrored his crouched position with a thoughtful hum.  
'I must admit I never had you pegged as an alcoholic.'  
Dick downed the rest of his Bourbon and clumsily waved his empty glass at the bartender for another.  
'Not an alcoholic.' He shot back venomously under his breath.  
'Really? Says the man sat at a bar, drunk as a skunk at' Tracy made a show of leaning back to look at the old fashioned clock mounted on the wall. 'Midday?'  
Shaking his head, Dick sipped his newly replenished drink and ducked his head back down.   
'Hmm, I suppose it makes sense. Your late- adopted father was hardly known for his sobriety. Isn't Bourbon his tipple of choice? We really are going for beating ourselves up, aren't we?'  
The young man grimaced and took a big gulp before shooting her a dark glare.  
'You dunno whats your talkin' about.'

Tracy nodded and sipped her own drink, eyes scanning the bar before turning back to look down at Dick with a tight smile.  
'Uh huh, yeah, what do I know? Except that the Bourbon in that glass won't make your brother go away, or your adopted father or any other problems. I've seen it cause people to lose though. Homes, jobs' pausing she raised and eyebrow at the despairing young man. 'Friendships?'  
'Shut up.' Dick spat, bristling at the mention of lost friendships and taking another large gulp of bourbon.  
'Have you been down in the sewers lately?'  
Frowning in confusion at the nurses question, Dick shook his head and finally turned to glare at her, his eyes bloodshot and ringed with dark circles. 

'What the hell are you talkin' 'bout? Why are you even here?'  
Tracy shrugged and cocked her head, eyes falling back down to the tumbler of Bourbon clutched tightly in his hand.  
'I came to talk to you, seeing your brother distressed like that must have been very upsetting. I came to reassure you that he is settled again now. I came to talk about how we move forward but you've made it quite clear that your not willing to listen to me. So, I have a bed waiting, I'll just finish my drink and I'll be off.'  
Smirking Dick chuckled and sipped his Bourbon.  
'Huh, what? So y'not gonna sit and lecture me about the perils of drink?'  
'What's the point? You know what your doing. You've watched the people you love do it. What can I say that will make a blind bit of difference, hmm?'

Smiling warmly Tracy placed a hand over the one clutching the glass and caught the young man's eye. Pointing out the mirrored wall behind the bar, she shrugged nonchalantly.  
'He's the only one you have to explain yourself to. You want a lecture? There's the best one you're gonna get. Look at yourself, Richard. Look at yourself and see the truth in your own eyes, the mirror never lies. I thought Grayson's flew?'  
Scowling Dick watched the nurse leave, the mirror tugging at him in the corner of his eye like the monster in films you know is there but you don't want to look at. Just like in the horror movies though Dick succumbed to the tugging and let his eyes look at the man in the mirror. He wasn't who Dick was expecting to be looking back at him, he didn't like him all that much and he didn't want to look at him any longer.  
Tracy's words rung in his ears over the top of Jason's screams and Bruce's voice, Roy's rants.  
'I thought Grayson's flew?'  
Wiping at yet more tears angrily he lifted his glass as the bartender walked over to him again.  
'Leave the bottle, Rick.'

It was approaching 5 pm when Tracy was woken by a knocking at her front door. Blinking away sleep she frowned and tugged on her dressing gown. Padding over towards the knocking she opened the door and her lips tugged upwards.  
Dick was leant against the doorframe, looking a little worse for wear and rather sheepish.  
'Ya sed, I hadda knock?'  
Nodding Tracy quirked an eyebrow and folded her arms.  
'Yes I did, Dick, well done. It looks like we've had fun?'  
The young man nodded before looking away, his bottom lips quivering as he fought to stave off tears.  
'I dunna likes 'im'   
'Who, Dick? Jason?'  
'No. Me. I dunna like him. '  
Tracy watched as the fight Dick was having with his emotions overpowered him and he slumped fully against the doorframe sobbing into the painted wood. Humming soothingly, Tracy stepped forwards and wrapped her arms around the broken, rather drunk man, hauling him up to lean against her.  
'It's okay, it's okay. Come on, everything's going to be alright, Dick. Let's get you inside and we'll get you some coffee, yes?'  
Shaking his head as he was led slowly into the apartment The young man huffed a breath and began crying again.  
'I need, need to 'elp, look aber dem. Can't even see Jay, he just gots upset.'

Sighing Tracy walked him into her living room and pushed him lightly down on the couch before crouching down to look up at him.  
'Richard, Jason is fine, In fact, looking at the time, he's safe at Arkham, complaining to my colleague Stu about the fish pie he's currently having for dinner. Now enough talk about Jason, or any of your other siblings. Let's look after you now, okay?'  
Nodding Dick sighed and closed his eyes in defeat.  
'Yes, Nurse.'  
Running a shaky hand down his face, he looked up at Tracy with empty, hollow eyes.  
'It- It hurts, Nurse. I-I dunna fink, Jay is de only one needs 'elp.'  
Hushing him softly, Tracy took his hand in hers and squeezed gently, a warm smile melting across her face. Dick swallowed, for the first time in so long he felt like someone was listening, that he didn't have to be the 'Golden One'.  
'Okay, that's okay, Dick. We are allowed to have hard times, to need help. Now, let's sober you up okay?'


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'If I told you all my secrets, you would never look at me the same way again.'

It had been another unsettled night for Jason. The guy was practically nocturnal anyway and when he was awoken by a pretty nasty dream by the sounds of things, Tracy could understand his reluctance to go back to sleep.  
So the young nurse decided to sit Jason down on a chair she'd moved next to the nurse's station and gave him a book to read whilst she wrote in the clinical notes. It must have been a pretty horrific dream because when she had offered him some PRN of Diazepam he had consented before she even finished her offer. The young man was now sat reading calmly, eyes shooting up occasionally just to make sure that the nurse was still there. Sure, the meds had calmed him, but he still felt a suffocating need to feel safe, which manifested into anxiety as to her whereabouts.

'Who scratched your face, Trace?'  
Lifting her eyes up from her notes, Tracy sighed and added an instruction to cut the Joker's nails in his notes for the day staff.  
'You know I can't tell you that, Jay.' She replied firmly, absentmindedly rubbing the deep, angry scratch that travelled down from beneath her eye to her jawline.  
Jason lowered his book with a concerned frown and shook his head.  
'But-'  
'No.'  
'Let me guess, confidentiality?'  
Smirking slightly Tracy looked up to catch his eye and hummed in agreement.  
'That and also the fact that we have a history of taking justice into our own hands. Don't we Jay?'  
'Aw come on. That's -'  
'Jay?'  
'What?'  
'Keep your voice down. We're going to have therapeutic silence or you go back to your cell. That's your choice.'  
Jason's capacity to make his own choices had been dramatically reduced due to being committed. Something he struggled with, with his obsessive need to maintain control, thus sometimes it was easier to just give him a 'choice.'  
Jason cast a final glance at the scratch on her face and went back to his book in a huff.  
'When I find out who did that? They're dead.'  
'Good job you won't then, Jay, and that response is exactly why I'm not telling you. Now, therapeutic silence, ssh.'

For the next few minutes Jason did exactly that. Sitting in silence, reading his book while Tracy carried out her tasks, lifting his eyes when she wandered away from the nurse's station only returning to his reading once the nurse reassured him that she wasn't going far.  
Tracy was back filling in yet more paperwork when Batman strode onto the Wing and she tried very hard not to openly weep.  
Damn it all, she had gotten Jason calm and settled, this was the last thing she needed. Her colleagues noticed too and bristled slightly in response to their visitor.  
This was one of the fundamental flaws the Warden had with running Arkham. Despite being the busiest time period with new admissions and patients who didn't sleep, there was only ever skeleton staff on the night shift. Tracy was the highest ranking member of staff on tonight.   
'Shall we bleep Dr Leland?' Stu muttered, eyes fixed on Jason as he sidled up to Tracy's position.  
Shaking her head Tracy sighed and ran a hand down her face.  
'Why? She's a doctor not a magician. We can handle it.'  
'But-'  
'We can handle it, Stu. Just go an do something useful.'

Dick paused when he noticed his brother sat by the nurse's station. Clearly unsure of what to do. Jason usually refused to leave his cell, he hadn't been expecting to see him.  
He had visited as a civilian a few more times since their first meeting. None had gone well. Tracy had decided to just have him sat outside the cell but Jason refused to tolerate that and would yell abuse or just plain ignore his older brother until he left. Dick hadn't actually physically seen him for a while now.

'Batman, what gives us the pleasure?'   
Tracy called over, intrigued that although Jason must know who the visitor was, he didn't react. Accepting his brother's presence and just carrying on reading his book.  
'Crane. Is he awake?' Dick asked walking cautiously over to the nurse's station, casting a look at his little brother who pointedly turned a page.  
'He was during the last checks. Stu will take you through, won't you Stu?'  
Stu looked up at the Batman, swallowed, before silently motioning for him to follow him. Tracy couldn't help but shake her head and chuckle. Sometimes she forgot that no one else knew that underneath that fearsome mask was a sweetheart with the characteristics and appetite of an unsupervised child at a birthday party. Once she had met Dick, she had to admit it was hard to react appropriately when the Batman showed up on the Wing; Dickie was anything but scary.  
Dick nodded and followed the nurse, a couple of guards trailing behind him, both knowing their presence was mute but feeling the need to follow protocol anyway.

The young man paused just behind Jason and turned to look at him. Taken aback a bit by the lack of abuse.  
'It was nice to see you.'   
He muttered gruffly before carrying on through the doors which lead to the cells.  
Jason let out a long huff of air before turning the page of his book again and refusing to reply. Ignoring but accepting his presence.  
Tracy couldn't help but stare. Had that just happened?  
'You're gonna catch flies wth your mouth like that, Trace.' Jason ground out, rolling his eyes when the nurse promptly shut her mouth and composed herself.  
'Coffee. I'm going to make a coffee. Would you like a cup of tea, Jay?'  
Nodding the young man's eyes shot up when the nurse got up to walk away. Turning Tracy pointed towards the Dinning Room with a warm smile.  
'I'm just going to the kitchen to make your tea, Jay. I will be ten minutes, tops.'  
Jason pursed his lips before nodding and looking up at the clock. He was going to count every minute that much she knew and she only hoped Dick didn't reappear while she was gone. 

Exactly eight minutes and forty five seconds later Tracy reappeared with the drinks and offered Jason his before leaning back against the nurse's station.  
'Shall we return to our cell?' She offered leaving the 'so you're gone when your brother returns' implied.  
'No.' Jason replied simply before taking a sip of tea and leaning back in his chair. 'I want to stay here. Can we go for a smoke?'   
Again, the 'when my pain in the ass brother has fucked off.' was left unsaid but understood.  
'Sure, no problem. As long as it's not before handover otherwise you will have to wait for the day shift.'  
The young man frowned at this before eventually nodding and going back to drinking his tea.

The pair slipped into silence again until the double doors leading to the cells beeped open and Batman strode through. Again, pausing to observe his brother before walking up to the nurse's station and giving Tracy a brief nod.  
'Thank you.' His lips thinning Dick cocked his head and motioned to Tracy's cheek.  
'What happened, Nurse?'  
'No point in askin'' Jason grumbled from behind his book. 'She won't tell you.'  
Tracy and Dick looked from each other to Jason and back again. We're they hearing things? Was Jason actively engaging in a conversation his brother was involved in? Not only engaging but responding in an appropriate manner?  
'Exactly, Jay. Thank you.' Tracy smiled before sliding a look over at the Batman. 'I am afraid I cannot tell you that. I am not going to tell you because you are far too inclined to take justice into your own hands.'  
Jason snorted at the comment in amusement, a slight smile tugging at his lips. Dick shook his head and did a double take.  
'Jay? Are you feeling okay?' Dick questioned, noting that his little brother did look a little glazed over. Did he have a concussion?  
'You know, you and me are very alike in certain situations. Like when we're both on fire, then we're exactly alike.'  
'Jay, you set fire to Batman, you don't get to go out for a cigarette.' Tracy warned eyes sparkling in amusement at Dick's horrified yet confused reaction to the statement.  
'Pah, when dya think I was gonna do it?'  
'Jay, what did I say earlier?' Tracy prompted with a slight smile.  
A pair of teal eyes lifted to look at Dick over the top of the book.   
'Therapeutic silence, sssh!' Jason scolded before taking a gulp of tea and returning to his reading.  
'Huh? What was that Jay?' Dick tried to engage him in conversation again but all he got was a repeat of the instruction.  
'Therapeutic silence, sssh.'  
So they were back to the usual Jason, Dick was far more comfortable in dealing with. Sighing Dick dared to reach out and pat his brother's shoulder only to be roughly shaken off.  
'It was nice seeing you, Jay. Stay safe.'  
'It doesn't matter what you say or do. Someone will always find a way to call you a dick. Dick!'  
Jason grumbled before taking another sip of tea and going back to his book.  
'Bye bye!'

Sighing Dick nodded before throwing a final glance at Tracy and promptly leaving without a further word. Jason visibly winced at the sound of the heavy doors locking shut again.  
A hand rested on his shoulder again but he shrugged it off with a shake of his head.  
'Jay-'  
'No.'   
Shaking his head again, Jason cast a look up at Tracy. His eyes empty and hollow with sadness.  
'I don't want to talk about it.'  
Nodding Tracy smiled before tapping the top of his book.  
'That's okay Jay. Thank you for being civil with him, it must have been hard. Come on, let's finish off that chapter.'  
Nodding Jason offered a small smile before ducking his head back down and carrying on his reading.  
'It was palatable, he was okay.'   
Lifting her eyes Tracy didn't reply but watched a spark light up slightly in his eyes before carrying on with her notes. Finishing up she took Jason by the hand and dragged him out for the cigarette he wanted.

The day shift eventually traipsed onto the Wing clutching coffee as if it were their life blood. Smiling, Tracy greeted her colleagues and moved to deliver handover in the office.  
'Is Jay alright?' Sian, an older nurse with grey streaks in her ebony hair asked, watching the young man lift his head from his book to see where Tracy was going.  
'We've had a rough night.' Tracy explained with a smile before moving towards the board to deliver handover, aware the entire time of the pair of teal eyes watching her through the door.  
Where on earth did he think she was going to go? Out of the window?  
Actually, with his life experience that was probably a highly likely prospect.

Walking back out the office she nodded to the rest of the night staff to grant them leave to go and offered Jason a wave.  
'I'll see you tonight, Jay. Sian is on shift now though, you like Sian.'  
Shrugging his mouth Jason peered over his book at Sian and didn't look convinced.  
'Enjoy having a personal shadow.' Tracy muttered into Sian's ear before scurrying off home as fast as her tired, aching feet could carry her. The thought of spending a whole twelve hours on her own sounded like bliss.

The feeling didn't last long. Walking over to her car, Tracy dug around in her rucksack for her keys, when she stopped and rested her forehead on the roof of the car.  
'Morning Dick.'  
Moving from his spot in the shadows, the young man walked over and offered her a half smile, grinding the toe of his converse into the ground self-consciously.  
'Morning Nurse.'  
'You should be asleep, Mister!'  
'Yeah.'   
Looking up towards Arkham Dick's lips thinned as he shoved his hands into the pockets of his hoodie.  
'I couldn't stop thinking about him. He- he talked to me? He hasn't done that since, well, since before he died.'  
Lifting her headTracy smiled and opened the car doors.  
'Come on, get in. I'm guessing you walked up here? I'll give you a lift into the city.'  
'It's a two hour trek from the city, Nurse? I got a taxi half the way. He wouldn't take me all the way up here at this hour.' Dick replied with a shake of his head. 'Gothamites and their superstitions.'  
Chuckling as Tracy got in she started the engine as Dick closed the passenger door.  
'Seat belt. I'm not moving this car until you have it on.'  
'But Nurse, seriously-'  
'Seat belt, Richard. This is not the Batmobile. My car, my rules.' Tracy scolded, nodding slightly when she heard the click clack of compliance and pulling away.

'What was wrong with him?' Dick questioned as they past through the gates.  
'Hmm? Wrong?'  
'He talked to me and his eyes? Well, they weren't right.'  
Humming, Tracy shot him a glance as she changed gear and shrugged before concentrating on the road again.  
'Oh, that? That was probably the Diazepam he had 20 minutes before you showed up.'   
Pausing Tracy sighed knowing the confused expression her passenger was probably wearing. She had to admit Bruce had a much better understanding of Mental Health than his predecessor does. All that training and the man never passed on that knowledge it seemed.   
'Jason had a bad dream. It's medication that helps calm him.'  
'Oh.' Dick frowned and suddenly became very interested in the specks of dust on the dashboard.   
'Is that what he had the first time I visited? When he got angry?'  
'Yes. He had tablets last night though, Dick.'  
'Huh.' 

He was building up to something. Despite the silence, Tracy could see how the corners of his mouth twitched, the way he rubbed his palms against his jeans like he always did when he was anxious, his feet beginning to tap against the floor of the car.  
'Come on, Dick, use your words.'   
Tracy tried to hide the tiredness from her voice but knew that she had failed the moment she opened her mouth.  
Sighing Dick ran a hand down his face and watched them pass the 'Welcome to Gotham' sign for a few moments.  
'He said he wasn't cheap? That first visit, he said he wasn't cheap.'  
Nodding Tracy purposely loosened her grip on the steering wheel and shot him a glance.  
'Yeah, I remember. He just wanted something to shout about. To be honest I don't blame him, it was obvious bribery and Jay already feels like you've locked him up unjustly.'  
'But why use that term? I never have been that fucking cheap. I can't get it out of my head. I don't understand what he means, why would he say that? I- I don't get him sometimes.'  
Dick looked up at Tracy, hoping to for her to just come out with the answer like she had with the Diazepam and many other things. The nurse had the answer for everything in his eyes. Instead the young woman pursed her lips and looked a little pained.  
'I don't know, Dick.' Pulling up a block away from Wayne Enterprises, Tracy turned off the ignition and leant back in her seat. 'I was hoping you would know more.'  
'What? About what? Jason?'  
Nodding Tracy's brow furrowed thoughtfully.  
'What do you know about his childhood? Before Batman. When he was on the streets?'

Shrugging Dick sighed and unbuckled the seat belt trying to remember anything that Bruce had told him in the past. Nope, all he could recollect was the facts everyone knew, Jason stealing the tyres, living in a squat in Crime Alley, his mom was a drug addict and dad a criminal. He knew absolutely nothing about Jason's life before Robin, neither him not Bruce had spoken about it.   
Man, did that one sting.  
'I don't know? Um, Jay and Bruce had a fall out over a doctor's appointment? Not long after his adoption. Even early on, them falling out wasn't new, it had something to do with his past though, from what I could gather.'  
'A doctor's appointment? What for?'   
Shrugging Dick opened the door and made to get out.  
'Christ knows. I wouldn't worry about it, Nurse. All that stuff? It happened years ago, I doubt Jason even thinks about it now. Thanks, for the lift.'

Forcing a smile Tracy started her engine before cocking her head thoughtfully.  
'Hmm, years ago huh? When was the last time you dreamt about people falling, Richard?'  
Freezing, Dick blinked at her blankly before shaking his head.  
'This isn't about me.' He spat before slamming the door and storming off down the street, hands shoved in the pockets of his hoodie.  
'Sure it ain't, Boy, and I'm Mother flipping Theresa.' Tracy muttered before pulling away, giving the young man a friendly honk as she drove past.

The doctor's appointment was something at least but from her recollection there was no such visit recorded in Jason's notes which sprung to mind, unless, of course, Bruce had paid off the doctor to omit the entry for some reason. That was a possibility, corruption was everywhere especially in Gotham 'corruption' City. It made sense, the night he went to the Golden Bridge, Jason spoke of a secret him and his adopted father had. Maybe the visit to the doctor was something to do with that? A secret.  
Frowning as her apartment building came into view Tracy could only pray to any deity that would listen that it wasn't what she thought it was. That Bruce Wayne wasn't stupid enough to make such a grave error of judgement when it came to safeguarding children.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> As promised the next chapter is up.
> 
> Dr Leland throws a spanner in the works. Tracy is going to have to rethink and try to keep her job. Night shifts were so much easier.

'Morning Campers!'  
Tracy called out with a sickening cheer as she entered Jason's cell, pulling along the observation trolley behind her.  
The lump of blanket shifted slightly but, other than that, there were no other signs of life.  
Tracy let out a little sigh before sticking her head back out into the corridor to check for eavesdroppers before closing the door behind her.  
The nurse could only avoid it for so long before she was stuck onto a stretch of day shifts. Given the choice she preferred working nights, it just suited her better.  
Glancing back over at the mound of blanket she knew someone else who preferred the twilight hours. During the night, Tracy managed to coax a reluctant Jaybird out of his pit for a few hours, apparently the day shift had no such luck and the young man spent his existence staring at the plain white wall.  
Jaybird?  
Jesus, Dick really was starting to make himself at home in her life far too easily.  
Sauntering over, Tracy switched on the machine and crouched down to try and find a body but wasn't overly successful.  
'Morning.' Tracy called out again, tapping what she really hoped was a shoulder. 'Is there a Jason underneath all those blankets?'  
'No.' Came a muffled reply and Tracy grinned, increasing her tapping.  
'Come on, up and at 'em. I need to check your blood pressure. Aren't you cooking beneath all those blankets?'

On Jason's bed were four extra blankets on top of the counterpane, blanket and top sheet that the inmates usually had. In fact, if anymore blankets found their way on top of him, Jason would look like an upside down version of the Princess and the Pea.  
'Cold.'  
And there it was. Jason always said he felt cold. Despite the fact that it was the middle of winter, Arkham had the heating on full blast, and High Security was situated deep underground. Tracy had only been on shift an hour and already she felt like she was melting in the thin cotton of her uniform, how Jason could claim to be cold completely baffled her.

'Go 'way.'  
'Come on Jason. Let's sit up, you can't spend all day in bed.'  
'I can.'  
Sighing, Tracy shook her head and fiddled with the buttons on the bed's side to sit him up a bit. The movement was not overly approved of and the blanket was hauled down to reveal a very fed up looking Jason.  
'There we are. I knew we'd find you somewhere.'  
'You're infuriating.'  
Nodding Tracy noted the deep shadow beneath his eyes and didn't need to look at the medication chart to know that the night shift had been typically unsuccessful at getting anything down him. It was like taking two steps forward and one step back, and Jason thought she was infuriating!  
'Yes, well, you know the drill, Jay. The best way to get rid of me is to just let me do what we need to do and then I'll leave you alone.'  
Grumbling to himself, Jason stuck out his arm and offered the index finger of the opposite hand. He watched grumpily as the cuff was wrapped around his arm and the clippy thing he never could remember the name of was stuck on the finger.  
'Until the next time you fucking want something. Normally to talk about God damn feelings.'  
Jason mumbled, frowning when the machine was turned away so he couldn't see the readings. Again.

Tracy watched silently as Jason's mood sunk even lower and he began to brush one of the softer blankets with his thumb, eyes fixed on the cloth as if he were counting the threads.  
The alarm on the Obs Machine caused both of them to jump. Jason's frown increased when Tracy merely switched the alarm off and jotted down the readings on his chart. Again he never saw what they were.  
Finishing her writing, Tracy lifted her head, forced a smile and held up the thermometer.  
'Temperature?'  
'Whatever.'  
Tutting,Tracy pushed the thermometer lightly into his ear and shook her head.  
'We're cheerful this morning.'  
'Like a ray of sunshine, like every morning.'  
The machine beeped and Tracy read it with pursed lips before jotting that down too.  
Jason was pretty much hypothermic.

It wasn't odd for him, his temperature being so low was actually a base line for him. When you touched him he always felt cold. It worried her when Tracy first admitted him.  
Truth be told his general observations still did and Jason's words always rang in her ears.  
'I'm used to being cold.'  
Jason also presented with a shockingly low blood pressure that hovered just above the line of concern and a pulse which was practically bradycardic, despite the small cocktail the doctors had put him on to correct this. Nothing touched him, nothing improved.  
Tracy couldn't help but let her eyes slide to the young man's chest. Thinking about the autopsy scar she knew was hidden beneath his uniform.  
Jason clung onto life but at least he was alive. Not too long ago the heart which beat so slowly had been asystolic. That part of his life remained a mystery to her, and in all honesty she wasn't entirely sure if Jason remembered it.  
'You always do my obs Tracy. Everyday you hook me up to that damn machine.' Jason grumbled watching as Tracy hummed, pen darting down the chart as she totted up his NEWS score. 3. Not bad he had been as high as a 7 before now.  
'Everyone else has 'em done once a week, if that.'  
'It's the doctor's orders Jay. Now are we gonna try some breakfast this morning?'

Tracy knew better than to expect a reply. Jason, as usual, was surviving on the odd cup of tea and a few bites of toast when Tracy pointed out that if he didn't eat he'd be given an NG Tube and he'd lose even more control.  
Tracy had not been expecting a reply, she also however had not been expecting Jason to suddenly lurch forwards and snatch his observation chart out of her hand.  
Leaning back against his pillow, Jason's eyes scanned the readings and Tracy knew, just knew that thanks to Bruce, he probably knew exactly what they all meant.  
'Why do you hide these from me?'  
Lifting her eyes, Tracy pursed her lips and glanced back at the now blank screen on the Obs machine.  
'I didn't want to worry you.'  
'Jason didn't look impressed by this, but neither did he look overly surprised by what he was seeing never mind concern, worry, fear? The usual reactions most people had when they realised they were walking a very fine line between being fit and well and having serious health problems.  
'Y-you knew? Didn't you?'  
Jason shrugged nonchalantly before handing the chart back to her.  
'Nothin' I can do 'bout it? Seems dumb to wind myself up 'bout it? I can still jump of buildings with no problems.'  
'The cardiologist is coming today. You can speak with him?'  
'No.' Jason replied almost immediately before frowning in confusion. 'Why is he coming?'  
This time it was Tracy's turn to frown and she placed down the chart to try and catch Jason's eye.

'It's Monday today. Dr Leland has her ward round, she'll want to speak to you.'  
'No.' Came Jason's favourite word before he paused and shot Tracy an uncertain look. 'Dr Leland comes on a Monday.' He said slowly watching the nurse nod in response and scoot closer. 'Dick comes on a Thursday.'  
'That's right, Jay.' Tracy encouraged with a bright smile, but Jason was not looking forward to either visit. 'How about this? Which visit will cause you the greatest pain? Dr Leland or your brother?'  
Jason narrowed his eyes for a moment before he matched the nurse's smirk, clearly thinking he had outsmarted her. He had outsmarted the likes of Bruce Wayne before now but he was yet to successfully pull the wool over Tracy's eyes.  
'Dr Leland.'  
Nodding briskly, Tracy was up and wheeling the obs machine towards the door.  
'Awesome. Okay then, I'm sure Dick will be thrilled that you've agreed to talk to him. He has been trying for so long. Now, you have 15 minutes to get up before I'm back in here with breakfast.'  
Jason's eyes shot wide open. He had been played and he had been played good.  
'No!'  
He bellowed, up and out of bed in the blink of an eye but not quick enough to reach the cell door before Tracy closed it gently behind her. Hammering his fists against the metal door until he realised how pointless that was, Jason pulled away with a growl and began yelling instead.  
'Tracy! Get back here.'  
You can make me see him!'  
'I don't want to see that dickhead!'  
'TRrrrrrrrAaaaAAaCCCYYY!!!'

Stu raised an eyebrow at the young man's hollering before rolling his eyes at Tracy's smile and going back to doing the morning tea round for the inmates.  
'Missed you on days Trace.'  
Tracy merely chuckled and threw him a fond look, before sauntering off to see who else needed dragging out of their pits today.  
'If there is one thing I can do, it's inspire motivation!' She called over her shoulder.  
'Motivation.' Stu muttered, spooning sugar into a cup of tea for Jervis and chuckling himself. 'I'd call it annoying everyone into submission.'

Breakfast went down like a lead balloon. Tracy quite honestly had never seen someone eat half a round of toast quite as threateningly as Jason did and the death glare he gave her when coaxed into drinking the Ensure milkshake he'd been prescribed was more comical than scary. Not that she'd ever tell him that. In truth she just thought his obvious angry confusion at being cared for endearing. When was the last time someone made sure he ate something?  
'Alfred. I'd rather put up with Alfred than you. I hate you.'  
'Who's Alfred?'  
'Shut up.'  
On the plus side, Jason was not a happy bunny but a least he was now dressed and sat on in his bed and not hiding in it. He actually had made his bed exceedingly well. He had even managed perfect envelope folds. Maybe this Alfred had taught him how to do that? The man clearly had had an influence on her patient's life.

Dr Leland arrived on the wing at exactly 11.00. On time as always. Flanked by the cardiologist from Gotham General, as usual the wide eyed intern that was present when the other doctors came was absent. Dr Leland had refused to take on an intern after what had happened with Dr Quinzel. Everyone knew Joan blamed herself for the blonde's downfall but no one dared call her out on it. No one dared call Dr Leland out on anything. As the longest standing member of staff, she had long since earned the respect of inmate and staff member alike.  
Smiling her welcome, Tracy motioned for the pair to follow her into the Quiet Room.  
'The notes are all ready for you. Would you like a drink Doctors?'  
Nodding Joan smiled before she entered the Quiet Room.  
'That would be lovely Tracy thank you. Dr Prigg has a tea with no sugar.'

A few minutes later Tracy was back, balancing 3 mugs on a tray. Swallowing down her sense of unease she watched Joan flick through the stack of notes that were lying on the table.  
'Thank you, Tracy. Shall we begin?'  
Nodding the young nurse quickly set down the drinks and sat down on the chair opposite the couch, pulling a notepad and pen into her lap.  
'Of course Doctor. Who would you like to start with?'  
'As Dr Prigg is with us, I would like to talk about Mr Hood first. Have we got anywhere with identifying him?'  
Swallowing Tracy shook her head, perfect, they just had to start with the patient she found the hardest to evaluate professionally whilst keeping the secret she really shouldn't be keeping.  
'Um, n-no not yet. As you know, none of his fingerprints are on file. There is no paper trail for him and I'm afraid conversation with him on the subject is fruitless so far.'  
Joan lifted her eyes and gave Tracy a look over her coffee before pursing her lips. Oh crap. That was not a good look, that was a 'you're busted' look.  
'Hmm, that is disappointing.'  
And that sentence couldn't hold more of a double meaning if she tried and Tracy found herself swallowing again, mind racing for a way to dig herself out of the hole she was quickly digging for herself. The look was thrown at her again, before Joan sighed heavily and returned to flipping through Jason's file.

'I am assuming asking for him to join us would be unsuccessful?'  
Nodding Tracy shrugged and glanced towards the door.  
'He refuses to engage. There has been very little progress.'  
'Is he accepting medication yet? Eating?'  
Joan asked, leaning forwards to study Jason's food and medication chart, why she had asked the question was beyond Tracy, the woman could see for herself.  
'No Doctor. I have had a little success but it's not consecutive.'  
Joan nodded, her brow furrowing in concentration.  
'Hmm. I think it is time we revisited the options we discussed a few weeks ago. I hoped the visits to Juive might of helped but Mr Hood seems to have plateaued, arguably, he is going down hill. Dr Prigg?'  
Tracy blinked, suddenly the reason why the cardiologist was here was becoming apparent, there was to be no discussion. Dr Leland had come into this room with her mind already made up. The only thing that could sway her was this doctor's opinion of Jason's physical condition. Could his heart withstand the treatment?  
The cardiologist's deep monotonous voice droveTracy out of her reverie and back to the job in hand.

'From what I have seen from the daily observations and the heart trace performed last week, his heart rate is a concern.' Dr Prigg began turning to look at Tracy with a quizzical expression she couldn't quite place. 'I believe there are rumours that this man has been 'resurrected'? That, um, he was certifiably dead?'  
Nodding slowly Tracy glanced back at Dr Leland's probing eyes, the way her mouth was a thin straight line.  
'Yes that is correct doctor. Many of the inmates here claim that he is the second Robin who was murdered. The Joker himself has been quite vocal about it of late. Mr Hood does have what could be described as an autopsy scar on his chest.'  
'He has a primary diagnosis of PTSD?'  
'Yes' Tracy answered before Joan, tilting her chin upwards slightly as her confidence grew. 'His flashbacks coincide with the rumours.'

'That is exactly what they are though. Aren't they? Nurse Carter?'  
Joan's curt tone interrupted Tracy's analysis, eyebrow quirking slightly. 'Unless Mr Hood has spoken about his past to you?'  
'No he has not.' Tracy ground out pointedly, giving Joan a long hard stare, trying to figure out what the psychiatrist's end game but knowing she'd have better luck figuring out the Joker.  
Apparently unaware of the growing tension, Dr Prigg shrugged his mouth and opened his own notes.  
'Hmm, it is an interesting concept. It would explain why this young man's heart has an irregular rhythm but has no traceable medical history. With a condition such as this? Even the most incompetent paediatrician would have picked up on it. It most likely would have been picked up before or soon after birth. This was not and therefore points to his condition developing long afterwards which is, an anomaly.'  
'Do you have a diagnosis?'  
Dr Prigg gave a pained expression and shook his head at Dr Leland.  
'I'm afraid not. As I have said, most of the conditions which result in a low heart rate are naturally occurring. They develop before birth or over the age of 65. Mr Hood is neither. I would suggest a pacemaker but I am reluctant to go down that road with a young man, who otherwise is fit and healthy, most athletes have a low heart rate, just, not this low.'

Joan nodded before holding out her hand so she too could study the cardiologist's notes, pearly white teeth worrying her bottom lip as she concentrated.  
'What about ECT? Would there be any increase in risk?'  
Humming Dr Prigg leant forwards and claimed Jason's psychiatric notes, pausing for a few moments before clicking his tongue.  
'Of course there would be an increased risk of cardiac arrest but I would be interested in seeing what happens. If rumours are to be believed? I am of the opinion that if his heart did restart? It did not restart correctly, maybe an electrical current would amend the issue? Who knows. I would very much like to examine him afterwards? In person? If he were to consent of course.'  
Nodding Dr Leland smiled as Dr Prigg began writing what he had just said down in Jason's notes and Tracy's blood boiled.  
'What? That's it? Decision made? I can't help but wonder Joan if ECT is really in Mr Hood's best interests or is instead being used as an experiment?'  
She had said the wrong thing, Tracy knew she had said the wrong thing when Dr Leland straightened up and took a long gulp of coffee before looking at her in away that made Tracy want to shrink back into the chair.  
'Out of all the 'doctors' in this facility you accuse, me, of abuse?'  
Oh shit.  
What she had just accused her colleague of began to sink in and Tracy was no longer digging herself a hole. She had thrown a stick of God Damn dynamite down it. In truth it wasn't Dr Leland who had ulterior motives. In truth it was the realisation that if a course of ECT commenced, Tracy would fail to keep her promise to Dick to allow him to take Jason home after 6 months. They were half way through already and in reality she was looking at having to tell Dick that he would have to wait another month or two. What was in Jason's best interests? To keep him in Arkham a little while longer? Or obstruct a treatment that could well possibly help him just so he could leave sooner?  
Smiling tightly at the nurse's silence, Joan turned to Dr Prigg and thanked him for his time, informing him that she would be in touch and that he would find his escort off the premises by the nurses station.  
The man had probably answered a code call slower than the speed he left the tense room in. Swallowing, Tracy studied her finger nails, mentally counting down what probably was going to be the last few moments of her career.

'I don't know how to put this in any way other than bluntly. I am growing concerned about your relationship with your patient Staff Nurse Carter. Mr Hood is a very handsome, very 'young' man. He is also extremely vulnerable and I am concerned at how close you and he are becoming.'  
Dr Leland spoke as soon as the door was closed, index fingers pressed against her lips, in the same way she held herself when she was speaking with inmates. It made Tracy's cheeks burn.  
'I am not Harleen Quinzel. Joan, with the greatest respect, I am more than capable of creating close but therapeutic relationships with all of my patients. Mr Hood is no different, I need him to trust me. Like you said he is extremely vulnerable and he is terrified at best. It took me a month for him to let me touch him. He still struggles with the concept of human contact, so if you think for one second I would take advantage of-'  
'I also witnessed you giving Mr Grayson a lift back to the city after one of your night shifts. I am confused as not only was that against protocol, he also was within Arkham's grounds outside of visiting hours? I doubt the warden had granted him permission to visit at such an odd hour?' Dr Leland asked, smirking slightly at Tracy's rabbit in headlight expression. 'What? No passionate explanation? I am disappointed Tracy, I was so looking forward to hearing it?'  
Tracy couldn't breathe, her mouth was growing dry and Jesus Christ how much had she messed up? Dr Thompkins made it look so easy, the deception.  
'I er, erm, I do not know how to explain myself without breaking confidentiality. You see, Mr Grayson is going through a, erm, difficult time and I'm providing support.'  
There was a long, perturbing silence before Dr Leland cleared her throat and took another sip of coffee.  
'Tracy, I think you and I need to have a little chat. I understand you have swapped your day shift tomorrow for a night shift? I shall stay on a bit longer and see you in my office after handover.'  
Looking up at the dismayed nurse, Joan smiled and motioned to the other two inmates she needed to see. 'Let's soldier on shall we?'

The rest of of the ward round past Tracy in a daze. Why was she not suspended there and then? With accusations Joan had just made, she should be suspended and on her way home with her tail between her legs? Instead, everything was business was usual and try as she might she could not work out the doctor, not matter how hard she stared at the woman.  
The most bewildering moment of all was when Dr Leland finally finished. Capping her pen she smiled sweetly at Tracy and picked up a clipboard she had brought with her.  
'Come, let's go pay Mr Hood a visit. If I can, I would like to gain his consent for the ECT for his own benefit more than anything else. I feel that your presence will be a reassurance for the boy.'  
Tracy blinked and trotted behind the doctor dutifully, locking the Quiet Room still full of notes behind her. Had she heard that right? After what she had just been accused of she was now a reassurance for Jason? Tracy was beginning to wonder if Arkham had finally taken it's toll and Dr Leland had finally snapped. Had she honestly just called Jason a boy? It had been almost fond.

Jason was curled up on his bed, facing the wall, when Dr Leland let herself in and smiled warmly.  
'Good afternoon.'  
Eyes flying open, Jason turned and stared at the doctor in shock before scowling and sitting bolt upright. Body tense and ready for fight or flight.  
'No. No I said I don't want to talk to you.' He muttered viciously, eyes scanning the room for an escape he knew wasn't there.  
'Come now, you can't avoid me forever. I'm not here to-'  
'No!' Jason suddenly bellowed sending his pillow hurling into the opposite wall.  
Any further attempt of explaining her presence was lost on the young man who flew into a fit of rage, hurling whatever projectile came to hand at the wall (mainly his bedding) before the mattress was finally upended onto the floor when he ran out of things to throw.  
'Jay?'  
Tracy called out softly, watching Jason hitch a sob before falling down onto his haunches, head cradled in trembling hands.  
'Go away.' He cried in a half broken whisper, eyes tightly closed as he rocked.  
'Jay? Can you hear me?'  
Tracy walked calmly over to Jason's side, crouching down with him, making sure he knew exactly where she was and what she was doing.  
'Jay can-'  
'Yes' Jason hissed lowering his hand to shoot the nurse a betrayed look with watery eyes.  
'Okay. Good, you're doing so good sweetie. Can you follow my breathing?'  
Smiling slightly in encouragement, Tracy counted his breaths, helping him regulate them before reaching out and taking hold of a trembling hand.  
'That's it Jaybird.'  
The nickname fell from her lips without her notice, but instead of riling Jason, the name sent a small shudder through him, releasing some of the tension in his shoulders.  
'Y-you said I could say no.' He mumbled, legs finally giving away and he landed with a small thump onto his bottom.  
Nodding Tracy glanced up at Dr Leland who was watching them with interest.  
'I know, I know Jay. The doctor isn't here to talk to you, not if you don't want to.'  
'I don't want to.' Jason reiterated looking up to shoot the doctor a fiery look. 'Piss off.'

'Jay that is quite enough. You shall not use that language do you understand me?' Joan responded with an authoritative air only she could achieve and knelt down next to Tracy. Despite her sharp tone, the woman's deep brown eyes were warm, calm, inviting.  
'I understand you, I'm not an imbecile.'  
'Good, we agree on something at least.'  
Jason raised an eyebrow at the doctor and studied her for a long few moments before 'what do you want?'  
Pursing her lips, Joan cast a glance around the trashed cell before returning to look at the young man.  
'As you said, you are not an imbecile Jay, so real talk, yeah?'  
Tracy blinked in surprise and shot Joan a quizzical look. Why was she using street slang? The psychiatrist couldn't know who Jason was could she? She constantly denied the (true) rumours that surrounded Jason regarding his death and resurrection. She never, ever showed a single inkling that she did in fact know the identity of their illusive John Doe. Tracy found herself in yet another confused daze, barely listening to Joan as she explained the ECT to Jason. Her reasons for recommending it, what it entailed, the benefits she hoped would come from it. 

Surprisingly, despite his earlier protests, Jason was actually listening, Jason never listened. His eyes trained on the Doctor before dipping his head to scan the pamphlet that was given to him with a somber interest. Joan had achieved what had taken Tracy months to achieve, Jason was listening, you could almost argue that he trusted her, just a little bit.  
'What are the side effects?' Jason finally spoke, looking between the doctor and the nurse with solemn eyes. 'Everything has a side effect. Don't lie to me!'  
'No one is lying to you, Jay.' Joan replied firmly, which only earned her a scowl in response. 'Have I been true to you? Haven't we just sat here together and gone through all of this truthfully?'  
'Yeah but you ain't told me nothing about the side effects?'  
Nodding Joan smiled and reached over to turn to the correct page in the pamphlet in Jason's hands.

'It's all there. Of course you have the usual risks associated with general anaesthetic.'  
Again Tracy blinked in surprise, Joan was talking to Jason as if she knew he already had an extensive medical knowledge. Today was getting weirder and weirder.  
'However-'  
'What? What is it?' Jason asked, panic filtering into those wide eyes as Joan paused and looked up at him with a very serious expression.  
'As you know the cardiologist came today. The risk of cardiac arrest increases due to your heart rate being lower than the ideal-'  
'Oh. Yeah, guess that makes sense.'  
Despite the expectation for him to be concerned about this, Jason frowned back down at the pamphlet reading it carefully, as if the doctor had just said something trivial. If there was one thing that was becoming quite apparent to Tracy it was that Jason did not care about death. He wasn't sacred of it, and neither did he desire it, he just, didn't, care.

'Erm'  
A shaky, gasp of uncertainty left Jason's lips and Tracy looked up to see him look at the doctor with the trepidation he should have expressed with the cardiac arrest.  
'Cognitive Impairment?'  
Joan nodded slowly and pointed back at the pamphlet with a soft smile.  
'Yes. That can happen but look Jay. Only a small percentage have a lasting issue. The majority of people regain their memory fully up to a few hours after waking.'  
'So I -will- lose my memory, f-for a bit? Hours?'  
'A little yes. Along with headaches and muscle soreness, confusion is a common complaint immediately afterwards. You will regain full functionality though Jay.'  
Jason nodded and placed the pamphlet down slowly, closing his eyes he leant back to rest against his bed. Joan pursed her lips again and placed a hand on his shoulder.  
'This concerns you? Forgetting?'  
'I barely remember now.' Came a hoarse reply barely above a whisper.  
Swallowing Joan nodded and leant forwards, casting a wary glance at Tracy she spoke into his ear softly.  
'I promise to keep those memories safe, Boy Wonder.'  
Jason's eyes shot open, turning he searched Joan's face silently asking 'you remember me?'  
Nodding in reply Joan smiled and watched him pick up the clipboard with a heavy sigh.  
'Where I gotta sign? Better if I just agree to this shindig right?'  
He didn't receive an answer, instead a pen was placed in his free hand. Jason stared at it for a few moments before slowly uncapping it, he hoped no one saw the tremor in his hand.

In silence he scanned the consent form, reading every single detail, looking for a double cross but as Dr Leland had said, she had been true, nothing had been hidden from him. The pen hovered over the dotted line, waiting for his signature to be put next to Dr Leland's before he looked up at Joan and Tracy cautiously.  
'M-Mr Grayson-'  
'Unless you tell him he shall never know. Mr Grayson cannot access any information about you without a HIPPA, you know that Jay.' Dr Leland interrupted with yet another warm smile.  
A brisk nod and a sharp inhale of breath later, Jason scrawled a signature, illegible to anyone who tried to figure out the name.  
They had got it wrong.  
That wasn't what he'd wanted to ask about Mr Grayson.  
Then though, watching Dr Leland whisk the form away, it was probably a dumb idea to ask something like that anyway.

'Really Jay? I thought you'd have better places to hide things?' Tracy's voice dragged him back to reality and he blinked, realising that both women were now stood frowning down at him, Tracy was holding a lighter in her hand.  
'Oh balls.' He muttered, looking back at the upturned mattress the lighter had been hidden beneath he flopped down onto it, just so tired of it all.  
'Hmm, I'd best be off. Thank you for your time Jay. Tracy, shall I inform the guards to come search Mr Hood's cell on my way out?' Joan asked, watching Jason let out yet another defeated groan before standing and hitting the wall, too used to this game by now.  
Nodding Tracy ran a hand down her face.  
Man, did she prefer working nights.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> During the day I don't believe in ghosts. At night I am a little more open minded

Dr Leland heard the soft thumping and the angry roars whilst leaning against entrance of Arkham, cigarette in hand and just enjoying five minutes peace, well, that was until the thumping and roars caught her attention.  
Sighing wearily, the young woman stubbed out her cigarette and walked around the building to the source of the noise.  
There, in between a couple of shrubs, was Robin, pounding away at the wall of the asylum with his fists, tears seeping from underneath his domino mask and running down his cheeks.

'Fucking bastard.'  
'Bastard!'  
'That's quite enough of that young man. What did that poor wall ever do to you?' Dr Leland called out, chuckling slightly when the boy gasped and startled back.  
'D-Dr Leland!'  
'Robin. Now we are aquatinted, would you care to enlighten me as to why you have taken a personal dislike to my asylum?'  
Huffing a breath, Jason looked from his aching fists to the wall and back again, before hanging his head in shame.  
'I'm sorry Dr Leland. It won't happen again.'  
'Hmm.'  
Joan's eyes danced with interest when the boy looked up at her in confusion, cocking his head as he tried to work her out.  
'What's your deal, Lady?'  
'My deal? Ah, so the rumours are true. You're a street kid.'   
Joan smiled, stepping closer she reached out her hand. 'Come Boy Wonder, I've got something to show you.'  
'A padded cell? No thanks, I'm good.'  
'Are you?'  
Jason couldn't put his finger on it, but that question and the doctor's heavy gaze made him squirm and want to run away.  
'B says I gotta stay in the car. I'm in trouble.'  
Chuckling softly, Joan did not remove her hand and merely cocked an eyebrow.   
'Did you get lost? I'll give you a clue, the Batmobile is big and black.'  
Lifting his head, Jason smirked and reached out to take the doctor's hand gingerly.  
'You're kinda sound, Doc.'

Joan merely rolled her eyes before leading Jason off towards the parking lot.  
'Lets get those fists checked out. My car is just down here. Why are you in trouble, Robin?'  
Shrugging, Jason plodded behind the doctor. He honestly could not come up with a good enough lie and didn't really see the point anyway. Dr Leland would probably just see right through it.  
'I gots angry, couldn't stop me self. Broke the bozo's wrist who we just brought in. Fucker deserved it. He, he, he hurt them. The kids, na mean? Now Bats is mad at me.'  
'Huh, that upset you? The kids being hurt like that?'  
Jason looked up at the doctor warily, the snakes in his stomach, twisting even tighter together.  
Before he could construct an appropriate answer his eyes widened when they stopped by an old, broken down, estate.  
'No way man, this hooptie is yours?'  
Huffing, Joan dug out out her keys and opened the door, foraging around on the back seat.  
'That's just rude, Robin. This was my mother's car.'  
'Oh.'   
Worrying his bottom lip, Jason stepped closer before dropping to his knees and scooting underneath it. 'Chassis is a little rusted. Gimme half a day, I could make her shine like Metropolis.'  
Chuckling, Joan tapped on the bonnet of the car before sitting down on it, placing a first aid box and a bottle of soda next to her.  
'I'll keep that in mind. Come now, let's take a look at those fists of yours.'

Watching Robin emerge from beneath her car, Joan couldn't help but chuckle at the smudge of grime on his nose. Patting the spot next to her, Joan set about playing doctor. Removing the boy's gloves she made a quick, efficient job of cleaning up his bleeding knuckles.  
'Must of hit the wall pretty hard to cause this damage.'

Grunting, Jason pursed his lips and looked away, sadly. Joan cocked her head at this before reaching for the bottle of soda, shaking it, she handed it over to the boy.  
'Can you open this?'  
Jason frowned down at the bottle before scowling at the doctor.  
'How dumb dya think I am? It's gonna explode all over me? Are you crazy?'  
Chuckling, Joan nodded and reclaimed the bottle with a smile.  
'Let's pretend, this bottle is our emotions, Robin. Now, if those emotions get shaken up and up but we keep the lid on? Will they go away?'  
Shaking his head, Jason looked back down at the bottle with interest. Curiosity driving him to want to know what the doctor was getting at.   
'So we need to take the lid off.'  
'But Doc? If I take the lid off its gonna make a mess? I told you that already, Jeez.'  
Throwing his hands up in exasperation, Jason may have growled every so slightly to see the doctor still laughing at him.  
'Exactly. So if we let our emotions build up and up like the fizz in this bottle, what happens when the lid finally comes off?'  
'We make a mess?'

Beaming when the psychiatrist nodded, Jason ducked his head back down, engaging with the game they were playing once again.   
'So, Boy Wonder, here is my question. How can I open this bottle of soda without making a mess?'  
Jason blinked for while, sucking on his bottom lip as he thought, before reaching over and unscrewing the lid slightly, allowing the gas to hiss out slowly before finally unscrewing it all the way off.  
'Good job!'  
Joan praised, noticing just how much the boy preened beneath it.  
How low did this kid have to be to get so much from just one compliment? From someone who was practically a stranger to him?  
'So, if we go back to this bottle being our emotions, how can we prevent making a mess?'  
Jason bristled at this before slowly, he looked up at the doctor. Joan didn't need to see his eyes to know she had gained the boy's trust, no matter how fleeting.  
'W-we, you let the emotions go? A little at a time? That way, they don't explode like the bottle?'  
'And we don't end up hitting brick walls, literally in your case.' 

Pausing Joan observed the boy, he was small, barely hitting 5ft, he looked so very young.  
'How old are you Robin?'  
Jason's breath hitched. Joan knew Robin was told never to give away such crucial information, she expected for him to shut down but she had to try -  
'F-fifteen. Just turned.'  
Smiling, Joan wondered if she could get him to open up further.  
'Someone hurt you? Didn't they? That's why you got so angry today?'  
There was another long silence, this time Dr Leland just waited, reaching out to rest her hand on top of his.  
'Long time ago now. Before.'  
Nodding, Joan maintained the silence, feeling small fingers reach to grip hers but making no movement to acknowledge it. Robin needed this time.  
Before.   
From speaking with the first Robin she knew what that meant, before Batman. Robin was telling her about his time on the streets.   
'It doesn't make the hurt any less valid.' Joan spoke softly, barely above a whisper. 'Thank you. For telling me.'  
The boy looked up at her, the fingers around hers tightening, his lips parted, about to say something else until a bellow disrupted the safe space Joan had created.

'Robin! Robin I told you to stay in the damn car? Robin!'  
Gasping, Robin wiped at his cheeks self-consciously before jumping down off the car.  
'I gotta go. Can I?'  
Looking down at the soda bottle, Joan smiled and handed it over. 'Of course. Come back, talk to me anytime, okay Robin?'  
Nodding Jason smiled and clutched the bottle tightly.  
'Thank you.'  
The words meant more than just thanks for a bottle of soda but Joan just inclined her head.  
'Pass on my regards to your father.'  
'He's not my father.'   
The boy spat before running off towards the Batmobile and a very cross Batman who merely grabbed boy by the cape and frog marched him into the car.   
'How many times have I got to tell you about running off? For once could you just follow orders? Where have you been?'  
'I'm sorry sir.'  
Pursing her lips at the pairs very vocal display, Joan glanced down at the car bonnet and gasped in surprise.  
Robin had forgotten his gloves!  
That was the last time Dr Leland was to see that little boy alive.

Joan studied the small green gloves in her hands pensively, her thoughts travelling back to that little boy who offered to fix her car. Her fingers brushing over the grooves in the reinforced knuckles,  
A soft tapping at her office door caught the doctor's attention. Taking a few deep breaths, Joan calmly left her reverie and lifted her head.  
'Come in.'   
She answered, locking the incriminating gloves safely back in her desk draw.  
The door opened and Tracy stepped through with an apprehensive smile.  
'Good evening, Doctor.'  
'Ah, Nurse Carter. I was expecting you a while ago, did we get lost?' Joan questioned.  
Tracy lifted her gaze and purposely strode over to the empty chair with an air of fake confidence.  
She decided not to engage in Joan's teasing and instead sat down with a small nod. The doctor knew damn well why she had taken her sweet time coming up here after handover.  
Joan leaned back in her chair and removed her glasses, brow furrowing in thought as she observed the obviously nervous nurse.

'Tracy, I'd like to think that as well as colleagues, we are friends. You are a skilled and talented nurse. I have never doubted your professionalism and dedication to your work.'  
'Dr Leland, Joan please, let me ex-'  
'I know that your relationship with Mr Hood is not inappropriate. In fact, I am impressed with the trusting rapport you have built with him. Only hard work and determination could achieve such a thing. He never was one who was able to trust easily.'  
Tracy blinked, frowning she shook her head and studied the doctor who was giving her a serious expression that didn't entirely match her words.  
'I am trying to help you, Tracy. If I noticed Mr Hood's relationship with you, so have others. Be careful, innocence can so easily be twisted into something else, especially in this place.'   
''I-I don't understand? You want to, help?'   
Tracy shook her head in confusion. Joan couldn't be serious. She wanted to help? With what?  
Oh no, please God, don't let her of figured out the end game of getting Jason home.

Joan sighed and rubbed her temples, hoping to ease the tension headache she always managed to develop after a busy day. Getting up she rounded the desk and sat on it.  
'I know our patient's stay here is a bit of a catch 22. The one place that can help is also the place that houses his nightmares. I can guess what you are planning Tracy even if I do not wish to know. Just be careful. You are playing a very dangerous game, Tracy. Once you start giving vigilantes lifts home, enter their world? You shall never return from it. Make sure you understand how deep you wish to go and stick to those boundaries. I have buried enough colleagues in my time.'  
Giving vigilantes lifts home? Joan knew who Dick was? If so, that would mean she knew who Jason was? That didn't make sense. The doctor was constantly on their backs about identifying him. Why do that if she already knew who he was?

Clearing her throat, Tracy lifted her eyes to give Joan a cold, hard look.  
'My apologies Joan but I have to confess that I do not understand what you are talking about.'  
Smirking, Joan nodded and moved away to sit down back in her chair again.  
'Of course, Tracy. Just, if you need anything, anything at all, I am here. Those boys have more friends than they realise. That will be all. Good night Nurse Carter.'  
'Good night Dr Leland. I shall see you in the morning.'  
Chuckling, Joan shook her head and offered the young woman a wink.  
'Now, now, let's leave on good terms shall we?'  
Finally, Tracy smiled, her shoulders finally relaxing and a small giggle left her lips.  
'Of course. I must be going. Someone is going to start getting angsty about where I am.'  
'Mr 'I don't trust' always amuses me with his tendency to attach to people. I shan't keep you any longer.' Joan replied, enjoying the confusion momentarily appear on Tracy's face before the nurse was nodding and making a hasty exit.

Joan waited for a few moments before opening her desk draw again.  
Lifting those green gloves that were so painfully small into her hands. Joan leant back and closed her eyes. In the silence of the late evening, you could here the Joker's laughter bouncing off the walls.  
Without a sound, Joan let her tears fall in secret.  
Remembering the dead little boy who offered to fix her car.

 

Despite having a career driven by logic and facts, psychiatric nurses were especially superstitious. Once the night shift came around and all the patients were at least in their cells, the ghost stories started and no one particularly wanted to leave the relative safety of the wing. Tracy Carter was no exception.  
Tonight she had drawn the shorts straw to take the Census form up to reception. After the bewildering yet motivational meeting with Joan, Tracy really, really did not have the umph to put up a fight when the form was pressed in her hands. 

Almost in retaliation for being given the task, Tracy had decided to drag Jason along with her in the name of therapy. The young man needed to venture outside of his cell and quite honestly? She felt ten times safer in the vigilante's presence, not that she'd ever let him in on that one.  
'Why am I here?' Jason grumbled, stomping up the stairs to the ground floor after the nurse who didn't even turn around before calling for him.  
'Jay. Arms reach. Now.'  
Grumbling even more, Jason quickened his pace so he was walking by Tracy's side. He sighed heavily as they exited the stairwell and cast a longing look over his shoulder.  
'I'm tired.'  
'No you're not.'  
'Yeah I am.'  
'Jay if you were tired you would be asleep. Instead you have been up all night reading. Tired people don't read, they sleep. You're spending all your time in that cell, now come along.'  
Tracy said firmly, before beeping open the door that lead to the main foyer and letting the young man through.

Walking over to the door to reception, Tracy turned and pointed at the corner next to it.  
'Stand there and stay there. I'm just popping this onto the desk. You can see me through the window.' The ' therefore I can see you.' was left implied.  
'Huh ,I thought I had to be within arms reach?'  
Throwing him an authoritative look, she watched Jason strop over to the corner.  
'Enough Jason. Stay there.'  
'Then can I go back?'  
'Sure. Just stay there.' Tracy called over her shoulder as she opened reception and slipped inside. Any admissions now will be tomorrow's problem and the knowledge felt so damn good.  
Walking back out she noticed Jason stood by the locked entrance, peering out of the glass doors. So much for staying put. Sighing she opened her mouth to reprimand him before realising what he was doing. Jason was looking at the night sky. With his tendency to lock himself away, the lad hadn't actually seen the sky very often.  
Smiling, she suddenly had an idea of how to keep him outside even longer.

'Jay?'  
Jumping at the voice, Jason turned and gave her a sheepish shrug. 'It's sorta like the corner?'  
'Not its not Jay and you know it's not.'   
Pursing her lips, Tracy cocked her head and held out her hand.   
'How about we go outside for a smoke? No one else will be out there at this hour. Just me, you and that beautiful night sky.'  
Looking back out of the glass doors, Jason's shoulders visibly relaxed.  
'It is beautiful isn't it?' He almost sighed, wide eyes scanning the stars. 'I can tell you all the constellations, Trace. Dick taught me them once when I was- when he- he was visiting from Bludhaven.'  
Not wanting Jason to lose the positivity of the moment, Tracy stepped forwards and took his hand.   
'How about we go for that cigarette and you can tell me all about the constellations? I'm afraid I couldn't tell you a single one and I'd love to know.'  
'Really?'   
Jason didn't look convinced but was tugged off towards the courtyard regardless.   
'Really, really. Now come along.'

Jason watched the nurse's body language as they walked through Arkham's darkened corridors; his eyes penetrating and calculating.   
'Jay. Stop it.'  
'Stop what?'  
'That. You. Staring at me.'  
'I ain't staring. I'm observing.'  
Cocking an eyebrow, Tracy sighed wearily and carried on walking.  
'Arms reach, Jay!'  
'Yeah, yeah, I heard ya the first time.'  
The pair carried on walking the empty corridors of Arkham in silence. Jason silently observing and Tracy silently trying to hide how much wandering the asylum at night gave her heebie jeebies.  
A scraping noise almost made Tracy jump out of her skin.  
Inhaling sharply, she turned to check where her protector was. Jason blinked down at her innocently and cocked his eyebrow.  
'You okay there Trace? You look a little jumpy?'  
'Arms reach, Jay.'   
Was Tracy's only response before quickening her pace. She just wanted to get to the courtyard already. The courtyard wasn't as creepy as the interior.

'I am within arms reach!' Jason protested, before stomping off after her grumbling as he went.  
Just as Tracy began to calm down after the weird scraping noise, the lights in he hallway flickered.  
Gasping, she closed her eyes before looking again.   
Nope, the lights were fine.  
She was about to keep on walking when the lights flickered again.  
Swallowing down a shriek of fear, Tracy startled backwards only to collide with a hard barrier.  
This time Tracy did scream.  
Pushing away from the firmness behind her, Tracy span on her heel to be greeted by a smirking Jason, his finger hovering over the light switch.  
'Wow. I got ya real good!'  
'Jay! That was not funny!'  
Chuckling, Jason shrugged and offered her a small smile, a boyish glee almost flickering in the emptiness of his eyes.   
Robin was a prankster. Jason was a prankster.   
Swallowing,Tracy stood and watched that flicker of a past life grow and Jason's smile grew just that tiny bit more. He was still there. Robin wasn't dead. The little boy who wanted to play wasn't dead.

'Aw come on Trace. I mean there's worse stuff in this place than ghosts? They're just pissed dead guys.'  
Shaking her head, Tracy sighed and shot her Boy Wonder a fond smile.  
'Uh huh. Didn't think you were the superstitious type Jay?'  
There was a moments silence and as quickly as it had come.  
The little boy in Jason's eyes vanished.  
'Like I said there's worse stuff to be afraid of. Just, don't worry yeah? Nurse? This ghost won't let nothing hurt ya.'  
'You're not a ghost Jay.'  
'Aren't I?'   
Jason genuinely seemed to be asking before sighing and shaking his head.  
'Come on. I want my nicotine fix.'  
And that was the end of the conversation. 

Finally the entrance to the courtyard came into view, and Tracy quirked an eyebrow when it became clear they wouldn't be alone. An inmate from Medium Security was outside too.  
'Oh my fucking Christ! What the hell is he doing here?'  
Frowning,Tracy turned from the inmate to Jason who had frozen to the spot, eyes wide in shock.  
'Do you know him?'  
Shaking his head, Jason groaned and scrubbed a hand down his face.  
'You know what I said about worse things that ghosts?'  
Nodding, Tracy watched Jason look up at the inmate smoking in the courtyard and swallow nervously.  
'Well, if he's here? You're about to find out.'


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'The first step in getting somewhere is to decide that you are not going to stay where you are.'

Jason stared at the man sat on the bench smoking for a long while, just staring. Tracy waited for him to process whatever information he had discovered before opening her mouth to ask if he wished to stay or go back.  
Before she could utter a word, her hand was gripped tightly and she was hauled behind him.  
'Stay behind me, Trace.'  
'Jay why-'  
'Just stay behind me.' Jason repeated the instruction before lifting his chin and striding into the courtyard with a confident air Tracy had never seen in him before. It took a moment for her realise that it was all bravado. Jason wasn't Jason right now, he was a vigilante. The personality switch similar to what happened to Dick once he donned the cowl. It was as if their alter egos were a split personality and that was more than a little concerning.  
'What are you doing here?' Jason's voice boomed and Tracy swallowed. This was bad, this was going to end really, really badly. Whoever the inmate was, Jason was not pleased to see them. She could barely see he other man due to Jason pushing her behind him, protecting her with his body mass.

The man blinked, before frowning in confusion and standing up to greet him, blueish grey eyes traveling to the nurse behind Jason's back.  
'Calm down mate. I didn't know you were in here? Why are you here?'   
Frowning, Tracy cocked her head at the cockney accent. The man was British?  
'That's none of your bees wax! I want to know why you're here! This isn't your jurisdiction. B will be turning in his grave at the thought of you being in Gotham.'  
'Woah, woah. Ease up. We have company, lad. Look, I was sent here on job. The job was fruitless. I was literally having a smoke and then I was going okay?' The man replied, shooting another wary look at Tracy who for once was lost for words.  
This man was a vigilante too? Who? He can't be a member of the Batfamily. He looked nothing like them and he was British.  
Nodding, Jason's shoulders slumped slightly and a soft, dark chuckle left his lips.  
'You mean the nurse? She's one of us, John. She knows everything.'  
The man, John apparently, looked back down at her and quirked an intrigued eyebrow.  
''She's my nurse, John. Get yer own!'  
John chuckled before rolling his eyes and taking a drag from his cigarette.  
'Yeah, no, trust me I have no desire to gain another nurse, Jay. Been in enough of these bloody places in my time. I don't want a collection!' Looking back down at Tracy, John smiled and extended his hand. 'John Constantine, at your service, Nurse.'

Pulling free from Jason's grip, Tracy stepped around him, ignoring the way he bristled and hissed for her to stay back.  
'Tracy Carter, Staff Nurse on High Security. I assume you are a friend of Jay's?'  
'No' Jason grumbled, giving Tracy a disapproving look when she shook John's hand with a smile of her own.  
'Ha, ha. No, more of an acquaintance. We've actually never met in the flesh. We're in the same business, just different branches as it were.'  
'Enough, John. Leave her out of it. Whatever you're up to leave her out of it.'  
'Jay! Enough. John and I are just talking. He's just smoking. This is a safe place for all inmates.'  
Tracy chided, throwing an authoritative look over her shoulder, but Jason just huffed and folded his arms.  
'He's no inmate.'  
Tracy sighed and looked back over at John, taking in his Arkham issued uniform, the identification wristband. It was quite obvious that he was an inmate here.  
'Jay, I think we need to refocus and-'  
'Nah, he's right, Nurse. Sort of. I'm demon hunting. I was informed you were having problems here but I've only been able to find the usual lost souls. Helped a few, so now I'm going home.'

 

Demon hunting?  
Awesome.   
Jason had decided to provoke a patient clearly dealing with some form of psychosis. Why John was out here unescorted was beyond her but hey he was Medium Security's risk not hers.  
'So you really going?' Jason asked, stepping closer to John who smiled and nodded before offering his new smoking partner a cigarette from his pack.  
'Want one?'  
Jason narrowed his eyes for a moment before nodding stiffly and selecting a cigarette from the pack.   
'Thanks. Trace?'  
John watched with solemn eyes as Jason bent down so the nurse could light his cigarette for him.  
'You on the other hand, are a patient here?'

Jason took a deep drag and blew out a long trail of smoke. Tracy had never seen him look so defeated and ashamed. Ducking his head, he shrugged, plimsoles scuffing against the paving stones.  
'Yeah. Dick put me in here.'  
It took all of Tracy's self control not to gape. Jason had just said his brother had put him here! Most would say that wasn't anything to get excited about but it was the first time he had described his admission in that way. Usually, he would say that his brother had left him here. He felt abandoned but now? Tracy couldn't help but wonder if Jason's perception of his brother and his circumstances were shifting just ever so slightly?  
'Sometimes we need a rest. Would you be ashamed if you'd broken your leg and needed to stay in hospital until you were well enough to walk again?' John replied matter of factly and Tracy wanted to hug him.   
'I killed people.'  
'Yeah. I heard. That probably wasn't your brightest idea, I'll grant you that one.'

Shivering, Jason realised the cold temperature.   
Twitching his nose when a snowflake hit it, he reached out and caught another one in his hand with a confused frown.  
'December?' He asked, blinking up at Constantine, who threw an appalled look at Tracy, before stepping forwards and holding the hand Jason hand caught the snowflake in.   
'It's January, Jason.'  
'January?'  
Glancing at Tracy for confirmation, who nodded, Jason shook his head and took a drag from his cigarette. He wanted to feel angry, needed to, but the new information left him feeling even more numb.  
'I missed Christmas?'  
He wasn't sure why he gave a toss about that? He never had done before, not even as a kid. Santa only came to good boys and as a child he'd quickly learnt that he did not fit in that category. He remembered looking out of the window at Mrs Jefferson's Christmas tree with its colourful lights from his bedroom. Hell, the only decorations or presents he'd ever had, had been when he was staying with Bruce. Why did it bother him so much that he couldn't remember this one?  
Shaking his head, Jason felt his knees buckle and he sat down heavily onto the frozen bench, head cradled in his free hand. Bringing the cigarette to his lips he's decided that his companions were mistaken.

'No. No it can't be. There wasn't a Christmas tree? There's always a Christmas tree. You're lying!'  
'Jason?' Ignoring the glares she was receiving off John, Tracy knelt down and rested a hand on Jason's knee. 'Jay? We had a Christmas tree? In the Rec room? You probably didn't see it. You haven't left your cell and I don't think you notice much when you do.'  
Jason shook his head and concentrated on smoking. Not liking that he was being proven wrong. That it was in fact, January. That maybe he was crazy.  
'No. You're lying.' He hissed, closing his eyes tightly shut so as not to look at the nurse.  
He knew that was bullshit and he also knew that she knew that too.  
'Jason? Think really hard for me. Remember Dick coming to see you? The time when he brought the cookies from home? You threw them at him.'  
Jason nodded. Yeah, he remembered. He didn't have damn amnesia, or at least, he didn't think that he did?  
'That was Christmas Day, Sweetie. He came to see you.'  
'D-Dickie?'   
Jason ignored the feeling of wetness on his cheeks, he looked at Tracy who blinked in surprise at the nickname before nodding slowly. 

'How?'  
How, didn't quite cover it. So many questions flooded Jason's mind he couldn't find a way to articulate them. How was the only way he could think of to express well, whatever this was?  
'You're not well, Son. It's why you're here.' John spoke, stubbing out his own cigarette he moved to sit next to Jason on the bench. In honesty, it was a relief that this was just case of Jason getting muddled up, and not that the boy had been literally locked away like he had feared. You never knew with Arkham.   
'I forgot. How could I forget? There's a envelope off Dick in my cell. It must be a Christmas card. I never opened it. It was just, there.'  
'It's not your fault. You're not well. Jason?'   
Leaning back against the bench, John watched the snow falling down into the little courtyard. God, the boy was just a kid still. He had no idea what the Batfamily had been doing with Jason but seeing the young man tonight, he had a feeling that Bruce wasn't as knowledgeable as everyone assumed. Or maybe he was but as usual, love was doing the wicked job of clouding a man's rationality. What better way than to blame one event, than face the fact that maybe, the blame also began at home.  
'The effects of the Lazarus Pit wear off, Kid.'

Blinking,Tracy watched in stunned silence as Jason lowered his hand and turned to gape at him in disbelief. So Constantine knew about this pit her patient had spoken about so often? It actually did exist?   
'What? When?'  
Lighting up another cigarette, John cast Jason a long calculating look before shaking his head mournfully. Taking a deep drag he watched the smoke dance across the air.  
'Ras is only the way he is due to repeated exposure. You, Jason, have only had a brief dip.  
Those effects wore off a long time ago.'  
Shaking his head, Jason balled his hands into fists by his sides, eyes stained by the Lazarus pit, hazy with anger.  
'Bullshit. If that's true? Why am I here, huh?'  
John shook his head before reaching out and placing a hand firmly over the top of Jason's heart, feeling it's slow rhythm beneath his fingers.   
'You're alive Jason, when you shouldn't be. The pit restored your soul, it did not return your life to you. I wish I could give you the answers as to why that happened. Trust me I have studied long and hard trying to find out. I am so sorry. I will not insult you by even imagining the abhorrence of it but I am so sorry this has happened to you. You of all people should have been allowed to rest in peace, because you were, weren't you? You had passed over hadn't you? You were at peace?'

Jason felt his breath hitch, when John looked up from the hand on his chest with eyes so full of empathy. For the first time, an empathic look of someone who truly understood. It was unnerving, and he felt tears prickling his eyes as memories he tried so hard to bury deep came back.   
Warmth, light, peace.  
'Yes.' He croaked reaching to grasp the hand that was over his heart like it was a life line. 'I didn't want to come back here. Now, I can never go back. It hurts John, it hurts so much.'  
Tracy frowned, gaze flitting between the two men with interest. Listening to a conversation she had to admit she had no understanding of.   
'Jason, you are alive but you haven't lived. You need to relearn how to live again. Peace has gone, trust me I understand that pain, I do. Kid, you gotta live, you can live again.'  
Gasping, John swallowed and held Jason tightly as he collided with his chest, sobbing into his shirt.  
'I-I can't go b-back.I know I can't, you know I cant. It's so cold here and it hurts.'  
Smirking, John raised his hands to hug the boy and chuckled warmly, wise eyes rising to gaze at the stars once more.  
'Oh I dunno about that Kid. In my experience? The Big Man is always open to a little bargaining. If you want I'll put in a good word? I er heh, know a guy who works for him.'  
'You do.'

Tracy couldn't work out if that was a statement or a question. What struck the nurse though was how Jason looked up at Constantine. Whatever the man had done, Jason suddenly trusted him. The young man didn't trust anyone but here Jason was, clinging onto this stranger who clearly had some form of psychosis. Like a child desperate for comfort and in that moment Tracy received a stark reminder of how young Jason really was, he was too young. Far too young to have to deal with what he did. Constantine seemed to recognise this instantly and treated him like the child he was, running his fingers through his hair and shushing him softly. Tracy in all honesty wasn't sure if he really did know someone who could help Jason or if he was just playing along with Jason's delusions.  
'You know I do, Son.' John mumbled, pulling Jason tighter against him and humming softly. 'None of this is the Lazarus Pit Jason, not anymore. I can't help you, this nice young nurse can't help you, God can't help you and Bruce can't help you.' Reaching down John tapped Jason's temple gently with a lopsided smile. 'What's going on in here? That's all you, Kid. You've got the power to fix this. For some reason you were ripped from the peace you knew, but you're alive now Jason. You and only you are in charge of your own fate.'  
'Jay. Please, call me Jay. Jason, I'm only Jason when I'm in trouble.' Jason muttered, pulling his knees up to his chest. Tracy couldn't help but stare, never had she ever seen Jason look so damn calm.  
'Sure, Jay then. You are concentrating on the wrong thing, lad. The Lazarus Pit is only the tip of the iceberg. You need to accept that you're alive, Jay. You may not want to be but you are. Acknowledge that pain. You're not alone.'

'Yes I am.' Jason protested, suddenly pushing away from John and Tracy bristled waiting for the explosion of anger she suspected was probably coming. Instead John reached out and grabbed hold of the young man's hand tightly.  
'Don't be so bloody stupid lad. Do y'know who sent me here on a wild goose chase? Who told me about a demon. Told me that what I found here was summit only I could help with?'  
Shaking his head, Jason opened his mouth to yell some more before frowning and looking up at the sky. Tracy thought he was about to start talking about God again when fresh tears dropped onto his cheeks.  
'Timothy.' He whispered the name of his little brother like a prayer before looking down at John in disbelief. 'I tried to kill him.'  
Looking across at Tracy in confused wonder, he shook his head again and reached up to try and wipe away the tears.  
'I tried to kill him, Trace. And I meant it. I really truly did.'  
Tracy nodded and moved to sit next to her patient. Dipping her hand into her scrubs she retrieved a tissue and wiped his his tears before taking hold of his other hand.  
'I know, Jay, I know. Love is a powerful thing. I'd say your little brother loves you very much and even God forgives doesn't he?'  
John smirked at this and swallowed down a chuckle. Jason glanced up at his new found friend and mirrored his knowing smirk.  
'Pointless forgiving me, Trace.'

'Jay what did I say? I'd said I'd put in a word didn't I? I meant it. It ain't as if He wouldn't see your side. You skip the Old Testament or something mate?' John scolded before looking across at Tracy. His gaze was long and heavy. So invasive the nurse was forced to close her eyes and look away. There was something off about this man, something wrong, unnatural, like she wasn't meant to look at him.  
'You stick with this one Jay. There's not many souls in this world as good as hers. Keep her safe, Jay. You and me both know how much a soul like that is worth. How easily it can be stolen away.'  
Jason squeezed Tracy's hand hard and threw John a determined look, tilting his chin slightly in defiance.  
'Ain't no one hurting her. You have my word, John.'  
'I don't doubt it one bit.' John grinned before releasing Jason's hand and foraging around in his uniform. Both Jason and Tracy watched in confused interest. There weren't any pockets in Arkham's uniforms.  
'You ever want a visitor Jay? Send a visiting order to this address and I'll come. Alright mate? And tell your bloody brothers, next time don't make up demons, just tell me where you are.'  
Nodding Jason gave him a little salute.  
'Hey don't blame me for my brother's being tools. Y'should meet Cass, she's much better.'  
Jason was fond of his sister? Filing that information away, Tracy too looked down at the business card before looking up again.  
John Constantine was gone.

Eyes widening, Tracy straightened up and moved to scan the courtyard in concern before looking back at her patient.  
'Where's John?'  
'He's gone.' Jason answered simply, watching in growing confusion as the nurse scanned their surroundings again before turning rather pale.  
'Yes, yes I know he's gone Jason but where? Where did he go?'  
'Home.' Jason answered simply again, really not getting why Tracy was cocking an eyebrow at him. 'Aw come on! How am I meant to know where he lives? Some place in Europe probably?'  
'Right, so you're telling me, that John is currently at home, in Europe. Despite him being right here five minutes ago?'  
'Yes?' Jason replied with a confused frown, failing to understand why the nurse was failing to grasp this concept.  
Folding her arms, Tracy shook her head before scanning the courtyard once more.  
'Uh huh and how did he manage that one?'  
'Magic.'   
Tracy thought he was being sarcastic at first before she saw the bewildered look on Jason's face. The boy honestly thought that John had literally magicked himself home. Sighing, she rubbed a hand across her brow and motioned for Jason to follow her.  
'Alright. I think that's enough excitement for one night don't you?'  
Jason didn't looked impressed but followed her back inside all the same, talking at the rate of knots. Most of it was pretty much word salad, a mixture of Jason's thoughts jumping from one thing to another. Tracy nodded along, a small smile tugged at her lips when he kept mentioning again and again that he wasn't effected by the pit anymore. John had said so, did she hear him?  
Bizarrely, after calling by reception to call Medium Security, Tracy was informed that no inmate was missing from that wing and there had never been an inmate by the name of John Constantine.

 

Jason was quiet when he returned to his cell. Tracy hovered by the door, deciding to keep quiet herself as she observed Jason sit down at his desk and pick up a plain white envelope with his name on it. His chin began to wobble.  
'Jay? Do you want me to stay or shall I leave you to it?'  
Shaking his head Jason didn't look up from the envelope.   
'Stay. Please?'  
'Of course.'  
Stepping inside, Tracy closed the door behind her and sat down on the bed. Jason made no move to acknowledge her. He just carried on staring at Dick's handwriting on the envelope before starting to open it with shaky hands. 

After a moments hesitation he took out what was indeed a Christmas card.  
It was humorous. There was a cartoon Snowman on the front with a crude joke. Dick had obviously bought it especially for him, thinking he would appreciate the humour.  
Jason's lips tugged slightly in an attempt to smile but not quite managing it.  
'That's kinda funny.'  
Nodding, Tracy smiled back brightly.  
'Yes, Jason it is funny, if a little inappropriate. Very you don't you think?'  
Nodding, Jason read the joke again before slowly opening the card to read the inside.  
'To Jaybird, Merry Christmas, we're all thinking of you. Get better soon.'  
Jason read aloud, his eyes scanning the names signed at the bottom, all had signed, even Tim and Cass somehow. They were on the other side of the world so Christ knows how Dick managed that, probably Alfred. There was one name missing though, Bruce.  
Jason swallowed down the knot of tears in his throat and went back to Dick's scrawl. He'd tried to draw a robin but in all honesty? It looked like roadkill.

'John said that this isn't the pit, not anymore.'   
'No. Do you remember your diagnosis Jay?' Tracy replied, knowing that really Jason had been musing to himself but hoping to try and guide him to a more constructive train of thought.  
Jason nodded. His eyes still focused on the robin.  
'Yeah. I do.'  
Moving from the bed, Tracy crouched down and actively looked at Dick's card with Jason, noting that it was his name he was focused on.  
'PTSD is a natural reaction to trauma, Jason. There's nothing magical about it. You may have even begun to present with it before the Joker, before the pit.'  
'Maybe?' Jason mumbled, eyes still focused on Dick's name.  
It was the first time the young man had even come close to admitting that. Admitting that maybe things weren't as okay as he tried to fool himself that they were.  
'ECT. That will help? Really?'  
'Really, really. I've seen it help others many times. There's no reason that it would be any different for you.'  
Tracy spoke softly, watching how every single word she said was being listened to, thought about. Jason's attention was still entirely taken by his brother's card though.  
Until a trembling hand lowered it and he moved to pick up the pamphlet Dr Leland had given him.  
'It says I can have a family member or close friend come with me?'

'Yes, yes that's right.' Tracy felt her brow furrow in confusion wondering where exactly Jason was going with this.  
'Is- is that what you wanted to ask Doctor Leland about regarding Dick? Jason?'  
Jason was still for a moment before sighing heavily and nodding his head.  
'If I sign the form? You can tell him? Not me?'  
'Yes.' Tracy practically breathed, fighting the urge to pinch herself. This can't be happening. Jason can't seriously be asking for his brother? The aim of releasing Jason into Dick's care was slowly becoming more of a reality than a fanciful goal, and the young nurse wanted to do a victory dance. It was moments like this that Tracy realised exactly why she did the job she did. To help people, to find them in the darkness. Everyone could be found, as long as they wanted to be and maybe? Just maybe, Jason was trying to turn on his flashlight.  
'I want to go to bed now.' Jason suddenly declared. Drifting from his desk chair to the wardrobe to dig out a pair of pyjamas. He had learnt pretty darn quickly that sleeping in the same clothes he had spent all day in just didn't fly with Tracy. It was the same story when he tried to stay in his pyjamas all day. Tracy would have none of it and quite honestly? She made your life difficult in ways a pissed off Timothy Drake could only dream of.  
'Okay. I'll come back during checks okay Jay? Would you like me to bring the HIPAA form to sign? I can fill in the details for you.'  
Nodding, Jason didn't verbally respond but shot her a thankful look before slipping into the bathroom with his pyjamas. She wouldn't be getting much else out of him tonight. To be honest, the steps he had take were phenomenal. It would be unfair to push him any further. Now was the time for him to rest and digest what had to of been the most eventful evening he's had in a long time.  
'Okay. Good night Jay.'  
'Night.' Came a clipped reply from the bathroom.

 

'Have fun with Jay?' Sian asked looking up from her notes as Tracy entered the office and began rooting around for a HIPAA form.  
'Tons. He's going to sleep now.'  
'Really?' Frowning, Sian glanced at the clock and shook her head. 'But it's only 1 am? What have you had him doing? Making Batarangs?'  
Chuckling, Tracy took a form and sat down at her desk and began to fill it in.  
'Have you got Jay's file? I need Mr Grayson'd details. I think he wrote them down in the next of kin section?'  
'Erm sure?' Passing over the file, Sian cocked her eyebrow at the form Tracy was filling in. 'Jay hasn't?'  
Grinning like the devil Tracy nodded.  
'Oh yes he has! Our Jaybird has also maybe, just maybe, admitted that he agrees with his diagnosis.'  
'No!'  
'Oh yes!'

Chuckling, Sian offered her colleague a wink and pushed away from the desk.   
'Right then miracle worker, I think that deserves a celebratory coffee!'  
Grinning Tracy nodded before flipping through the file to Jason's admission paperwork and finding the right page.  
Jason was one of the patients who were on 15 minute observations. Therefore Tracy had just enough time to fill in the HIPAA and drink her coffee.  
Just as she was about to get up to leave the doors leading to the cells flung open.  
'Nurse! Nurse!'   
Cash came bounding through the office door, eyes wide in alarm.   
Swallowing Tracy exchanged a look with Sian.   
There was blood on the guard's hands.  
'Tracy! Quick, it's Jay!'  
'Jay?' Tracy was up and standing by a frantic Cash in seconds. 'Aaron? Aaron what's happened?'  
'I-I thought I'd do the checks for you? Help out and all that. I swear, I thought he was asleep Tracy. Jay-'  
Cash didn't get to finish his explanation because Tracy was gone.

A nickname for a psychiatric nurse is a 'slouch'. Due to the nature of their work a psychiatric nurse goes about their tasks at a leisurely pace compared to their general nursing colleagues. A psychiatric nurse holds a relaxed posture and can often be found sitting and observing, chatting with patients.   
It is not often that you see a psychiatric nurse run but when they do? They move so fast they almost give the Flash a run for his money.  
When a psychiatric nurse runs and swears? Well, then it's bad, really bad.  
Tracy ran.   
As soon as those damning words left Aaron's lips, 'I though he was asleep', Tracy ran like life depended upon it. Then as far as she knew, a life did depend upon it.  
Reaching Jason's cell Tracy had the door open in seconds before skidding to a halt.  
'Shit!'

It was easy to see how Cash might have thought Jason to have been sleeping at first glance. He was dressed in his pyjamas and the blankets were wrapped snuggly around his shoulders. He was lying as if he had just fallen asleep reading against the wall.  
Only there was no book in the young man's lap.  
Tears still sat on motionless cheeks and a darker trickle. Following it up to where it started at the back of Jason's head, Tracy's eyes flew to the wall were there were similar dark smudges.  
Blood.  
The cell light flickered on.  
'Tracy do we need the crash cart?'   
Watching the way Jason's chest rose and fell Tracy shook her head before looking up at Cash with a strained expression.  
I need to examine him. See what damage there is. Can you help me move him?'  
Nodding, Aaron stepped into the cell and on the nurse's count hoisted the young man to lie on his back, head turned to the side to allow access.  
'Why do they do nasty shit like this? Who would want to beat their head against a wall like that? Jesus man.'  
There was a sudden burst of laughter, as if the Joker knew exactly what was happening in the Red Hood's cell and Tracy suppressed a shudder.  
' He had a good evening and couldn't cope with that.' Tracy explained, pulling on gloves she knelt down to push apart Jason's hair to reveal the injury. 'I should have known.'

It was moments like these that Tracy felt like the worst nurse to have ever darkened Arkham's doorway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So back at uni as well as working.  
> Downside, as the work builds up I have less time to update.
> 
> Upside, more resources I can access for this fic under the guise of 'reasearch'


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'When I don't know what to do? When my heads loud? That's when I push you away.'

Dick was running on autopilot.   
He had been woken up after patrol by Alfred handing him a phone saying that Arkham wanted to speak to Mr Grayson.  
It took him a few minutes to remember who Mr Grayson even was. The cloud of exhaustion quickly dissipated when the voice on the other end informed him there had been an incident. Infuriating wasn't even the word when the voice refused to disclose any further information and Dick really, really was starting to hate confidentiality. Damn it all.  
So he had thrown on the first set of clothes he'd found, and raced out of the penthouse, only making a wave of thanks when Alfred told him to take his time and that he would see to Damian.  
A 17 year old who'd just got their license would probably have parked the car better than he did. In fact it was more accurate to describe Dick's car as abandoned rather than parked in the parking lot.

Dicks mind was whirling in a panicked fog when he literally fell through the main entrance of Arkham.   
Blinking, he stared at the floor in confusion before realising that he had fallen through the doors and was now lying prone in front of the busy foyer.  
Lifting his head, he smiled bashfully at the security guards staring at him and scrambled to his feet with a small wave.  
'Um, hi? I know it's not visiting time but -'  
'Yeah, yeah. We know. We've been expecting you.' The one guard replied eyeing up Mr Grayson's disheveled appearance, he was normally so well turned out when he visited.  
'You know the drill, Sir.'  
Nodding sharply, Dick hurried over to the security station and emptied his pant's pocket mindlessly. A worryingly large amount of zip ties landed in the plastic tray and Dick stared at them in horror before looking up at the amused looking security.  
The only reasons he could think of as to why he had them was zip tying people to lampposts which wasn't a not crazy, unsuspicious reason.  
'Mr Grayson? Are you alright Sir?'  
'Wires!' Dick practically yelled with an eureka grin.  
'Wires! Zip ties are for tying wires! I have a lot of wires to tie.'  
The guard raised an eyebrow before giving him a 'no shit Sherlock' look.  
'Yes Sir. Did you have another use for them?'  
Shaking his head with an innocent grin Dick emptied his final pocket.

He wanted to die.  
On the second plastic tray was a collection of condoms, lube, a few tokens from local bars and a chocolate bar.  
The guards both pursed their lips and glanced up at Mr Grayson, eyes dancing with mirth.  
Groaning, Dick ran a hand down his face. Of course, the first pants he had found were the ones he'd discarded after a night out a few days ago.  
'You know what? I give up.'  
The guards couldn't help but chuckle.  
'Don't worry Sir. We don't judge.'   
The one guard grinned before piling the dodgy looking items into a clear plastic bag. 'You can collect your erm, belongings at reception. I hope you treat those wires with the respect they deserve.'  
'Mr Grayson!'   
Wincing Dick wanted to die as he walked through the metal detector and looked up to see Edward Nigma waving at him, and the male nurse he had learnt was called Stu.

Mr Grayson was becoming quite the regular on High Security and he was quickly realising that the other inmates looked forward to his visit, even if his brother didn't. If only he could get them to warm to the new Batman in the same way.  
'Are you here to see our boy?' Edward asked, forgetting the arms reach rule and bounding over to the visitor to give him a bone crushing hug.   
Nodding,Dick pulled away and looked over at Stu who was jogging up to them.  
'Edward, inappropriate touching and arms reach!'  
It's okay, Nurse. I like hugs.' Dick offered with a shy smile, praying that the pair didn't notice the clear plastic bags with his name on.  
'Mr Grayson! My, my have we been a naughty boy!' Edward shrieked with mischievous glee, grinning over at Stu who was trying very, very hard to keep a professional demeanour.  
'Edward, what Mr Grayson keeps in his pockets is private.' Stu prompted, before sneaking a glance at the contents of the bags. The professional attitude slipped a little and a small smile tugged at his lips. 'However if you want to see more of Jay you could just visit more often? No need to try and get the neighbouring cell.'

The mention of his brother had Dick jumping from his embarrassment to concern bordering on a full on a panic attack. Eyes widening, Dick looked up at Stu desperately, the blush rapidly draining to a more pale complexion.  
'What has he done?'  
Edward backed up and moved to stand behind Stu looking a little upset. The nurse reached back to squeeze the man's shoulder before looking up at Dick with a serious expression.  
'Did no one tell you? He's in the infirmary. I shall get someone to come talk to you. Show you the way to' trailing off Stu realised he was speaking to thin air. Mr Grayson was gone, dashing off towards the infirmary.  
'Is Mr Grayson alright, Nurse?' Edward piped up, watching the young man disappear in concern.  
Pursing his lips, Stu looked away and motioned for Edward to follow him.  
'Come on, I think it's time to head back.'  
'I really do think that we should inform Nurse Carter. She will know if Mr Grayson is alright.'  
Edward rambled, mind entirely focused on figuring out the elusive Mr Grayson.

The infirmary was on the ground floor of Arkham, only a few metres from the main entrance to aid access in case of an emergency. Walking through the double doors, Dick did a double take for a moment before remembering that you didn't need a keycard to access this particular wing.   
'May I help you Sir?'  
Dick almost spat out 'Jason Todd' before managing to stop himself just in time.  
'I-Jay? The Red Hood. I got a call. I was told to come here. Is he okay?'  
The nurse nodded along to the young man's panicked spiel before smiling warmly.  
'Mr Grayson yes? Jay's been asking for you.'  
Dick blinked at that one.   
His brother would rather gouge his own eyes out with a Batarang than ask for him. Why would he be asking for him?  
Oh no! No, he can't be dying? He was fine on Monday?  
'Don't worry, he's resting right now. Jay's over there. Stay as long as you like it's open visiting in this wing.'  
The nurse pointed to a bed over in the far corner, by the window, before scurrying away. Dick swallowed and made his way over wondering what on earth was wrong with his brother? Everything from a paper cut to a full blown coma flitted through his panicked mind until he reached Jason''s bed.  
He was asleep.  
There was dried blood on his face where the staff hadn't quite got around to cleaning it off yet. A drip was attached to one hand and one quick glance confirmed nothing more than saline. Why did his brother need fluids so badly?   
The other wrist was handcuffed to the bedsides, which were pulled up. The handcuffs tugged at his chest and the familiar pang of guilt and sadness enveloped him again like an old lover.

Despite his appearance though, Dick had never seen his brother look so peaceful. Leaning over he tapped his brother's shoulder lightly.  
'Jay? Jay?'  
Dick wasn't sure what he expected.  
He hadn't seen Jason wake up since he was a surly teenager who answered only in grunts and swear words until at least midday. What he definitely did not expect was for Jason's eyes to snap open.  
Gasping for breath, Jason sat bolt upright, the handcuff around his wrist clanging against the rail as he scanned the room for the threat, chest heaving.  
'Woah, woah there Jaybird. It's me? It's Dick? Calm down before you hurt yourself.'  
Gasping a few more breaths, Jason turned to look at him before lying gingerly back against the pillows.  
'Fuck. Don't do that you fucker!'  
Dick pursed his lips. He had spotted the stitches in the back of Jason's head. That's why he was here, that's why there was dried blood on his face. Jason had a head injury.  
That coupled by his odd reaction to being woken up, worried him greatly.  
'What happened to your head Jay?'

Frowning Jason turned slightly to face him, teal eyes searching his in confusion.  
'They ain't told ya?'  
'No. High Security called me. They said there had been an incident. I came as soon as I could. God Jay are you okay?'  
Sitting down in the plastic chair next to the bed, Dick fought the urge to reach out and take his hand like he did with his other siblings. Such an action would only end with him getting his ass chucked out.  
His worry appeared to be an alien concept to Jason, who looked at him as if he had grown an extra head before closing his eyes and turning away.  
'I'm 'kay. Tired. Docs wanna watch me for concussion or some bull crap. I'm not concussed, had enough of them to know.'  
There was a hint of a smirk and Dick couldn't help but smile back, a soft chuckle escaping at the thought of Jason trying to give the doctors a detailed and precise evaluation of his condition. He probably was bang on point too given their lives.  
'Yeah, well, they have to be sure you're okay, Jaybird.' Dick replied, watching Jason shrug dismissively . 'What happened?'  
He expected another shrug in reply, but the expression on Jason's face looked almost pained. He was about to call for the nurse when his brother turned to look at him, he was clearly searching for the words but failing, in the end he only muttered one.  
'Scared.'  
'Scared?' 

Yet again Dick was faced with the cold, harsh truth that he was not Bruce. Bruce understood Jason, even mid angry rant, when he slipped into no less than three different languages. Bruce would have understood what Jason meant by scared. The look on his brother's face only told him that the word wasn't an accurate description of what he wanted to say but was probably just the closest thing he could come up with.  
Yet again, Dick felt like he was alone in the middle of a stormy sea with not so much as a raft.  
Scared.  
Frowning, Dick glanced at the dried blood again, before looking Jason in the eye, his lips thinning.  
'Who?'  
'What?'   
Jason blinked in apparent surprise, and Dick had to mentally count to ten to keep from slapping him out of frustration.  
'Don't play games with me Jay. Who did this to you? Someone hurt you and that's not okay. Whoever did this is going to pay. Do you hear me? Now tell me who hurt you!'  
He had hoped to reassure his little brother but instead, Jason looked like he wanted to burst into tears. Huffing a breath, Jason pulled the blankets up to his chin, ignoring Dick when he tried to coax him to turn back around.  
'They haven't told you.'  
'Told me what?'  
'Talk to Tracy, you like her. Have you fucked her yet?'  
'What? No! What the hell are you on?'   
Dick gawked, completely taken aback by Jason's inappropriate response.   
Why couldn't he just tell him who hurt him?   
Was he scared of them? The person who hurt him? 

Sighing, Dick gave up and his gaze fell to the tray of untouched food and motioned towards it.  
'Your lunch is here. Jay?'  
Jason sighed and looked over at it with a frown that could only be described as cute.  
'Not hungry. You can go now. I'm not dead.'  
Ignoring Jason's jibe, Dick studied the chicken with gloopy gravy, the mash potato and vegetables looked like they'd seen better days too.   
'To be fair, that does look disgusting Jay. You should give the chef some lessons.'  
Jason's eyes suddenly sparked to life and he turned to look at his brother in silent amusement.  
'I'll be right back okay? I'll be an hour tops. Nurse said its open visiting in here. Just stay there, okay?'  
Frowning, Jason glanced at the hand that was handcuffed to the bed and wondered if his brother was joking or just plain stupid?  
'Erm, sure?'  
Looking back over he realised that he was speaking to an empty chair. Dick had gone.  
He tried to ignore the hollow feeling in his stomach to find that he was alone again.

Dick was true to his word though. Forty five minutes later (not that Jason had been counting), the grinning idiot was back with a satchel slung over his shoulder.  
'I'm back Jay!' He called out happily, before plonking himself back down on the chair and Jason let out a tired groan.  
'Really? And here I was thinking I was hallucinating.'  
Dick's face fell.  
'That's not funny.'  
Jason merely went back to glaring at the opposite wall.  
Dick sighed and pulled over the table so it sat across Jason's bed with a small smile, noticing that the tray had gone.  
'Did you eat the chicken Jay?'  
Shaking his head, Jason sighed again and threw his brother a very put upon look.  
'No. I get enough of that bullshit off them. I don't need it from you. So either shut up or get lost.'  
Dick didn't respond. Instead, he opened he satchel and pulled out a greasy looking paper bag. Watching Jason's confused expression turn to one of astonishment, Dick took out two burgers, fries and a couple of cups of soda.  
'Thought this might be a bit more appetising?'

'How did-'  
'I snuck it past security? How hard was that knock to the head Jay?'  
Jason just blinked at Dick for a long moment before smirking and shaking his head. Everything about him became more animated and Dick wondered why he had never told Jason about his fun and games with security? That was right up his wayward brother's street.  
Pushing Jason's burger and fries towards him, Dick grinned like the devil and made himself comfortable in the chair with his own, his grin only growing when Jason reached out and tentatively claimed a single fry and nibbled at it.  
'This was easy compared too the trouble I want to getting those peanut butter cups through the first time I visited. Remember? The ones you just threw at my face?'  
Jason nodded and took another fry, quirking an intrigued eyebrow and Dick felt like dancing in victory. His brother was actually talking with him, tolerating his company. He wanted to whoop in delight but he knew that wouldn't go down well. Something also told him that mentioning Jason actually eating wasn't a good idea either, although he had no idea why?   
Taking a sip of soda,, Dick's flicked a look over to the drip in his brother's arm thoughtfully. Jason did look a little thinner than when he'd first been admitted, he was hardly a healthy weight then.

Tracy was accosted by the infirmary nurse, Julie, as soon as she walked in. Gritting her teeth, she followed the woman behind the nurses station before motioned to her casual clothing.  
'I'm not on shift Julie.' She grumbled when a pot of medication was thrust towards her.  
'Jay won't take them. I've been trying all day. Stu on High Security said he'd called you and that you had a better chance of convincing him?'  
'We still don't see eye to eye when it comes to medication. I believe Dr Leland intends on addressing it once ECT has started.'   
Moving the pills around in the pot she sighed in resignation.   
'I'll give it a shot. Is Mr Grayson still here?'  
Nodding, Julie smirked and pointed over towards Jay's bed.  
'Mr Grayson hasn't left his side all afternoon. We've decided to over look the fast food. He stays any longer, I'm going to have to find a camp bed for him.'   
Frowning Tracy looked over to Jason to find him sat up against the pillows. Dick was sat by his side and, was Jason eating?  
Tracy watched dumbfounded as Jason took a tentative bite out of a hamburger and glanced across at Dick who was talking to him about the latest gossip in Gotham; clearly enjoying the conversation but trying to hide it.  
Dick raised his head and paused mid conversation when he noticed Tracy watching them. Muttering something to his brother, who nodded, Dick leant over to kiss his temple before walking over to the nurses station. Jason scowled and rubbed at his face as if the kiss was toxic before going back to picking at his meal.  
Dick was also scowling and clearly not very happy. 

Sometimes Tracy wondered how Dick Grayson could pull off Batman until she was starkly reminded of the young man's own anger issues.  
'Nurse? A word?' Dick asked, before striding into the office as if he owned the place.   
Julie shrugged and Tracy sighed before opening the door and walking in.  
'Who hurt him, Nurse?'   
The angry yell came before Tracy had even closed the door. Lifting her eyes, she motioned calmly to a couple of chairs.  
'Richard, I understand that you are upset but can we please talk about this like adults?'  
'Upset? Upset! My little brother is lying in there with a head injury and you think I am upset! Try furious! You're meant to be keeping him safe!' Dick bellowed, slamming a fist into the wall just to show how angry he really was. Tracy barely flinched and instead looked back over towards the door.  
'Jay will be able to hear you behaving like this, Richard. I'd like you to refocus before I am forced to have you removed from the building.'  
'Me? What about the person who hurt Jay?'  
'No one hurt Jason. Please-'  
'No one hurt him? Then how did he get the stitches in his head? By beating his own head against a wall?'  
Dick meant for his statement to be sarcastic but the way Tracy looked at him had his blood running cold. 

Shaking his head, he felt his legs begin to shake and he found himself being guided to sit down in a chair.  
'He- he hurt himself? Why would he do that?'  
'It's a coping mechanism, Dick. A way of expressing overwhelming emotional distress, to desensitise. I can assure you that steps have been taken so this doesn't happen again. Your brother is now on eyesight observations at all times.'  
Tracy explained, watching Dick nod, his eyes blank and not entirely focused. God, he looked so tired.  
'Why?'   
Sitting down opposite, Tracy reached out and took his hand before explaining everything from the events last night, to the ins and outs of Jason's diagnosis. Dick just blinked, listening to every word until he was left in silence. The information echoing around his head.   
This was his brother. This was Jason's world. What he saw, felt, heard, everything. 

'W-why are you telling me all of this?'   
Lifting his head, he searched the nurse's hazel eyes, finding only empathy and honesty within them. He wanted to cry.  
Pursing her lips, Tracy got up and dug around the office before sitting back down with a file and producing a piece of paper from it.  
Eyes widening Dick realised it was Jason's file she had got and looked down at the paper he was given.  
'Because Jay signed this, this morning. I had to coax him into waiting, as he wanted it as soon as he woke up. He's wanted you, Dick.'  
'Me?'   
The word was more a breath than an actual vocalisation.   
So it was true? His brother had been calling for him. He'd been so distressed he had beaten himself unconscious and the first thing that came to mind on waking was him. Something twisted inside his chest and it hurt, he couldn't breathe. He needed a drink.  
Not 12 months ago he was trust fund kid with no worries other than for himself and his own life as a vigilante. Now, he was the head of both the Wayne and the Batfamily. To now have Jason reaching out for him too? As much as he wanted to cry in relief, a selfish part of him wanted to run away. Far, far away. He could barely keep the family afloat as it is.  
'Is that a good thing? Dick?'

Cocking her head, Tracy observed the young man carefully. She had expected him to be elated, relived and he was, but now he seemed to be sat in a brooding silence.  
Dick nodded slowly before lifting his head and forcing a smile.  
'Yeah, yeah that's great, really great.' He mumbled, passing the form back to Tracy. She tucked it away only to then hand him an envelope with his name on it.  
'Jay is due to start a course of ECT, Dick. He asked me, to ask you, if you would accompany him during the treatment.'  
Dick swallowed and nodded again, looking down at the envelope, which looked very official. Tracy trailed off in another explanation. She explained what ECT was and gave him a pamphlet.  
Dick didn't read it, he knew about electricity more than anyone, his escrima had been electrified when he was Nightwing.  
Nightwing.  
Boy did he miss that name.  
'Dick? Are you okay? Do you understand what I'm telling you?'

Tracy's voice sounded ever so far away and he didn't feel like he was in the office anymore.   
Dick went back to the night Jason first showed up in Gotham.  
To the Amazo him and Bruce had fought.  
'He has the same weaknesses as a human being!' Bruce's voice echoed in his head like a ghost.  
'Got it!'  
Shuddering, he remembered shoving his escrima into the android's ears, hitting where the frontal lobes of the brain would be in a human. The pained expression a mere robot had given to being electrocuted in such a brutal way!  
The image tattooed itself on his eyelids and no amount of blinking shifted it.  
'Dick? Can you hear me?'  
'Yeah.' Dick barely whispered forcing himself back into the room, back to being sat in front of the nurse, back to Jason. 'Yeah I'm good.'  
Swallowing thickly, Dick accepted the cup of water that was thrust into his hand from no where and took a grateful sip. The coolness grounding him a little more.  
Pursing her lips, Tracy reached out and took Dick's hand. She'd never seen him flashback like that before and she couldn't help but wonder where he went to.  
'Dick, if you're uncomfortable you don't have to be there. No one is making you. Jay can just see you before or after?'

 

'I said, I'm fine, Nurse!' Dick spat viciously, before closing his eyes and taking a deep breath, refocusing his attention to the letter and pamphlet in his hands. 'This, doing this, it's really going to make him better?'  
Offering him a half smile, Tracy she shook her head.  
'The ECT should help lift his depression, maybe even ease some of his anxiety. If we can get him eating and engaging, then we can start trying to treat the PTSD. At the moment we're in a bit of a stale mate.'  
Jason wasn't eating. Nodding slightly Dick tucked that information away and sighed.  
'When's he going?'  
'Tomorrow, 10 am.'  
'Tomorrow!'  
Nodding, Tracy quirked an eyebrow.  
'Will that be a problem?'  
'No, no not at all. I can move some things around.' Dick muttered opening the letter to find out the other dates. So this is twice a week?'  
'For six weeks, yes, and then Dr Leland will review.'

Dick read the letter silently for a few moments before tucking the pamphlet and letter into his pants pocket and looking over at the door.  
'I told Jay I wouldn't be long.'  
'Of course.'   
Rising with Dick, Tracy paused just in front of the office door.  
'We need a chat after work tomorrow, don't you think?'  
Sighing, Dick nodded and threw the nurse a look.   
'This is about the stuff in my pockets right?'  
'Yes and no. To be honest, I'm pleased to see that you're being safe.' Tracy offered with a smile but Dick just scowled and turned away.  
'I promised to cut back not to sobriety, Nurse. Now, please, let me see my brother or I will move you out of the way.'  
Knowing when to give up, Tracy moved out of the way and opened the door.   
Collecting the meds pot from the nurses station, she thought about how Dick had gotten Jason to eat something, it was worth a shot.  
'Erm Dick?'  
'What? What now?' Dick ground out through gritted teeth only to blink down dumbly when the pot was pressed into his hand.  
'Could you give Jay these for me? He's over due them.'

Duck studied the small collection of pills before nodding with a very serious expression and walking away again. Wasn't that the nurses' job?   
'Er sure? Why not?'  
'Aw, Tracy that's just cruel. It's like sending the lamb to the slaughter!' Julie chuckled from behind her notes and Tracy merely smiled, watching Jason lift his head when his brother approached.  
'Jay's a big boy, I'm sure he can handle it.' She laughed, knowing full well Julie hadn't been talking about their patient.

 

Walking back over to Jason, Dick swallowed down the urge to wrap his arms around his brother and found that his eyes were now fixed on the stitches in Jason's head. His brother had done that to himself, his brother hadn't been eating, his brother was going to be electrocuted, his brother had given him permission to know what was going on. His brother needed him.  
Looking down at the pot in his hands, Dick forced a smile before tipping the pills out into Jason's unsuspecting hand.  
'Nurse said you gotta take these.'  
'No.'  
Huffing, Dick swatted Jason around the ear furthest from his wound and rolled his eyes.  
'Stop acting like a tool and take the pills, Jay. Do you want me to tell Alfred? Have Alfred come here and see you acting like this?'  
Jason did the cute frowny face again before sighing and knocking the pills back with a large gulp of soda. Swallowing, he stuck his tongue out at Dick who looked less than impressed.  
'There! Happy Dickface?'  
'Ecstatic.' Dick shot back before settling back down in his seat and giving Jason a long, hard look, ignoring how inside he was cheering at getting Jason to take his meds. Who knew that the threat of Alfred still worked even beyond the grave?

'Nurse said you aren't eating. Why?'  
The short, sharp, almost interrogation style, questioning, resonated with Jason. There was no empathy, no complicated emotions for him to try and work out. Just a plain, simple question that asked for a plain, simple answer. Jason never knew if Bruce talked to him like that on purpose because he knew all that or if he was just an arsehole?   
Seeing Dick do it though, caught him off guard and he couldn't find the words to lie.  
'I feel sick.' Jason mumbled, turning away he shut his eyes tightly. 'They're trying to poison me.'  
Dick blinked.   
He hadn't been expecting that one.   
Why would Jason think he was being poisoned? Where the hell had he got that from? He liked Tracy, didn't he trust her?  
'No one is trying go to poison you, Jay. You're feeling sick because you're stressed out to the nines and takings pills on an empty stomach!'  
Jason didn't reply, instead he just watched his brother, eyes falling on the familiar pamphlet sticking out of Dick's pocket.

'You can go now.'  
Dick blinked, confused by the sudden cold shoulder. He didn't want to leave him, not yet.  
'I said fuck off Dickhead!' Jason yelled angrily, screwing up a now empty burger wrapper and throwing it at his head.  
'Woah, woah! Enough, Jay.' Tracy interjected, quickly moving the table out of arms reach before anymore missiles could be thrown, noting the empty meds pot.  
'I want him to fucking leave! I don't want to see him!' Jason spat, purposely turning away and refusing to look at his brother who seemed on the verge of tears.  
Jason had been asking for him? Why was he now wanting him to go away again?  
Nodding, Dick stood and patted Jason's shoulder only to be shaken off.  
'Okay. I'm going Jay. I'll see you tomorrow, yeah?' He offered, watching Jason bristle when he mentioned the ECT. Jason told him he'd hurt himself because he was scared. Was that what he meant? Was that the problem? He was apprehensive about tomorrow, scared wasn't the word Jason was looking for it was apprehensive.  
'It's going to be fine.'  
'Fuck. Off. Dick.'

Apparently trying to comfort his brother wasn't going to be well received, so Dick gave up and waved his goodbye.  
'Alright, Jay. I'm going.'  
With that he turned and started to leave the infirmary.  
'Merry Christmas.'  
Pausing, Dick frowned and shook his head. What? It was January?  
'Er? Merry Christmas?' He replied not really knowing what else to say before leaving.  
If he had turned he would of seen his brother watch him leave with teary eyes before burying his head under the blankets with a hitched sob.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes I get so sad that it's hard to breathe. Please, tell me, how can I talk about my demons when they're sitting on my lungs?
> 
> **warning descriptions of ECT feel free to skip this chapter if you need to. **

Thursday morning.  
Dick hadn't slept.  
In truth he hadn't even tried.  
Damian had been giving him concerned looks during patrol last night but he supposed it was a good thing that the boy was actually experiencing concern for someone else. He'd cut patrol short in the end under the guise of being tired but the look his brother gave him was one of disbelief and suspicion. He hadn't voiced any protest though and just followed Dick dutifully back home.  
'Good night, Grayson.'  
The boy had muttered, eyes sad and downcast as he slipped into his room. Damian knew something was wrong and it was painfully obvious that he didn't have the words to express that.  
Of course Damian knew something was wrong. Out of all of their family only Alfred, Dick and Damian remained. The strain was not just felt by Dick alone, and that knowledge tore at the young man from the inside like a ravenous beast.  
He supposed he should have followed his brother, comforted him.  
Instead Dick locked himself away in his own room.  
Eyes fixed on the bottle of bourbon on his bedside table.  
He didn't drink it, he just stared. Within the reflections of the glass his mind brought to life images of electricity, pain and death.

Alfred hadn't even feigned surprise to find the new master of the Wayne family sat on a bed that had obviously not been slept in.  
'Sir? You requested a wake up call at 8 am? Though it appears to of been futile.'  
Slowly, Dick looked up from his hands and forced a smile but his eyes remained empty and bloodshot.  
'Thank you. Are you okay to get Damian to school?'  
'Indeed Sir.' Alfred replied, before stepping closer and fixing him a look that reminded him a lot of Tracy. 'Master Richard please? You cannot keep going on like this. What is happening today that is so important? I beseech you sir, please get some sleep.'  
Dick stood silently and opened his closet, only to stare blankly inside it as if he didn't know what to do next.  
'Jason.'  
It was all Dick said, all he needed to say.  
Jason was the reason he'd been disappearing. Jason was the reason he was disappearing today.  
Admitting he was visiting his brother in hospital actually felt better than Dick thought it would, like a weight lifting off his shoulders.  
'May I request that you give him my best wishes?' Alfred replied as if what had just been said wasn't of momentous importance.

The rest of the morning had been wordless. Alfred dutifully helping him pick out some clothes to wear, and prompting him to at least brush his teeth and comb his hair.  
Damian had looked up when Dick entered the kitchen, but lowered his gaze again when his brother went on to eat his cereal, before grabbing his car keys and leaving without a word.  
'I spilt grape juice on father's photograph.' Damian mumbled before looking up at Pennyworth questioningly. 'Grayson was most displeased, like he is now. I-'  
Closing his eyes, Damian shook his head and pushed away the remainder of his meal.  
'Pay me no heed, Pennyworth. What is done, is done. I must dress before school.'  
Alfred stared after the youngest Wayne in disbelief. The incident that Damian had spoken of had happened before Bruce's death, when they had all been living at Wayne Manor. Surly the boy did not think that an easily cleaned up spillage of grape juice was the cause of all the upset the Wayne family was experiencing? He was just a 10 year old boy. None of his was his fault.

Dick stared up at Arkham. He'd been sat in his car for nearly 15 minutes now, just staring.  
His entire world felt like it was swirling and twisting out of his grasp, that he was constantly trying to play a game of catch up. Jason and Arkham didn't even come close to that description though. He didn't understand half of what was going on with his brother and he wasn't playing a game of catch up. It was watching a film play in front of him that he was part of, but it was foreign, and someone had forgotten to switch on the subtitles.  
For a moment he wondered how Jason felt.  
Did he feel like that? How much of what was going on was his brother really taking in? Some days Dick even wondered if Jason heard his voice? He couldn't keep eye contact for more than a few seconds.  
Closing his eyes, Dick leant back from the steering wheel and took a deep breath.  
He could do this. Jason needed him. He was his big brother. Bruce was gone. It was up to him now. He had to grow up. He had to get a grip and get his act together.  
Scrubbing a hand across his face, Dick opened the car door and forced his feet to move towards Arkham's main entrance.  
He could do this. He could.  
He prayed to God that if he repeated it enough in his head, he'd start to believe it.

Jason was sat in a chair by the nurses station when Dick finally made it onto the wing, it seemed a favourite a spot when his brother was actually out of his cell.  
All pleasant feelings quickly faded though, when he realised that Jason was in the middle of an altercation with Tracy.  
'Jay we can not wait forever. Let me take you into the clinic and we-'  
'No.'  
Jason was waiting for him.  
It seemed a bit presumptuous but Dick couldn't help but see the unbelievable truth in it. He was the only person expected on the wing today.  
'Morning Jay.'  
Dick announced his presence with a forced cheer, kneeling down to grin at his brother who looked less than impressed.  
'You're late.'  
Dick bit back a wince and nodded slowly, seeing the hurt and betrayal in his brother's eyes. He'd thought that Dick wasn't going to come, the thought that Jason would think that hurt.  
'I know. I'm sorry.'  
'You're not normally late.' Jason grumbled, looking away to scowl at the clock above the nurses station. Was that why he was so often found in this chair? Jason could see the clock from here.  
'I'm sorry, Jay.'

A slight cough caught their attention and the brothers turned to see Tracy standing before them, her hand outstretched towards Jason.  
'Okay. Now Mr Grayson is here, can we please go to the clinic Jay?It's nearly 10 am.'  
Jason shook his head violently and looked up at Dick in desperation.  
'No. I don't want to.'  
Nodding along Dick straightened up and looked over at Tracy questioningly.  
'Does he need to go in the clinic? Can't we just go upstairs?'  
Tracy gave him an exasperated look and motioned towards Jason.  
'Jay needs a cannula reinserting before his treatment.'  
Frowning, Dick looked from Tracy to the small bandaid on Jason's hand.  
'Why did you remove the one from yesterday only to put one back in today?'  
The nurse pursed her lips and glanced around the small audience of inmates in the rec room.  
'The needle is against protocol. It cannot remain in situ for health and safety reasons.'  
That made sense he supposed, but Dick couldn't help but think it to be rather stupid. It was just a small needle? Were they seriously going to force Jason through having one reinserted and taken out again twice a week? He honestly had no idea how to get his brother to agree to it this time, never mind every time after that.

Inhaling deeply, Dick nodded before turning back to his brother and taking hold of his hands, increasing his grip when he fought to break free.  
'Let go of me!'  
'Jay come on, we gotta do this. We're doing this together yeah?'  
'It's not you who gets jabbed with needles. Always needles, needles, needles. I don't understand why people by fake ones, real ones smell better, even if you have to vacuum every day. I'm going to get a real tree one day.'  
Christmas trees? Why the hell was Jason now jabbering on about Christmas trees? Why was he so obsessed with Christmas all of a sudden?  
Nodding, Dick squeezed his hands and forced a smile, watching how Jason glanced up at him fearfully before his attentions was caught by something else.  
Jason had always been terrified of needles. He could only guess it stemmed from finding Catherine dead on the floor in the bathroom with a needle in her arm, all those years ago.  
'Jay I promise, I promise no one is going to hurt you. I won't let them. I won't let anything bad happen. Please Jay?'  
Jason closed his eyes and shook his head beginning to pull against Dick's grip again.  
'You're late.'  
He never had been one to forgive easily.  
Nodding again,Dick looked back up at Tracy, at a complete loss of how to get Jason to agree but knowing what would happen if he didn't. 

Christmas. Jason was obsessed with Christmas at the moment.  
Thinking back, he could remember Bruce distracting Jason when Alfred needed to give him a shot instead of trying to talk him around.  
'Jay? Jay? Do you remember the skiing holiday we went on one Christmas?' Dick prompted, keeping his voice low and quiet so their audience couldn't hear.  
Jason glanced up at Dick and shook his head, his brow furrowing as he struggled to remember the event his brother was talking about but finding nothing.  
With him successfully distracted, Dick managed to tug Jason up to his feet and lead him gently into the clinic, eyes focused entirely on Jason's expression. How could he not remember? He'd always believed that the pit had restored Jason's memories, at least that's what he'd always been told.

'Well, we did. In the Alps just me, you and B.' Dick said as soon as Tracy had closed the clinic door and moved towards the little trolley by the cot.  
'I-I don't know how to ski' Jason admitted, sitting down on the cot when Dick walked him backwards so the back of his knees hit it.  
Chuckling, Dick fought not to look at Tracy preparing the cannula and opening an antiseptic wipe, instead keeping Jason's eyes on him.  
'Yeah. Yeah that's right Jay. You were a brat for three days, refusing to leave the cabin. B just thought you were being difficult, but I saw you watching us ski from your bedroom window.'  
Smiling, Dick increased his grip on Jason's hands again, when Tracy cleaned an area with the wipe.  
'I realised that you didn't know how to ski. The next day we went out together, just you and me and I taught you. I taught you how to ski Jay. We had so much fun.'

Jason shook his head, tensing when Tracy inserted the needle into his hand, a couple of tears dropping onto his cheeks.  
'I don't remember Christmas, skiing, trees. Only needles.'  
'That's okay, that's okay Jay.' Dick replied automatically, increasing his grip again when Jason went to pull away.  
Only needles?  
Jason couldn't remember going skiing. Was needles all that Jason could remember about the Christmas just gone? He didn't like that thought very much.  
'I've got a picture, if you'd like to see it I can get it afterwards?'  
Jason seemed to think about this for a moment before nodding.  
'I want B.'  
Closing his eyes, Dick huffed a steadying breath before looking back over at him. Seeing a familiar grief to his own in Jason's eyes.  
'Me too, Jay.'

'Are we ready Jay?'  
Tracy spoke up from the door and the pair turned to blink at her in surprise.  
They had been so wrapped up in their conversation they hadn't noticed the nurse leave and return with a wheelchair and an arm full of notes.  
Jason looked down at it before frowning at Tracy and shaking his head again.  
'I don't need that Trace.'  
Tracy exchanged a glance with Dick before smiling brightly.  
'I know Jay. It's policy that's all. You might feel a bit unsteady afterwards.'  
Jason worried his bottom lip, his entire body tensing up, his hand involuntarily clutching hold of Dick's. Using the reaction against him, Dick immediately tugged his brother back up to his feet and down into the chair before he could even form the thought process to protest.  
No sooner had Jason's bottom hit the chair they were off.  
Dick shuffling along beside Tracy, eyes glued on his brother the entire journey. It was only a few minutes walk to the ECT suite from the elevator, but to him it felt like an eternity.  
'You doing okay?'  
Blinking, Dick thought Tracy was talking to Jason but the nurse was looking at him with this concern that made him want to hide.  
'Yeah, yeah I'm good. You doing okay Jay?' Dick replied, deflecting the focus off of him to his brother, who just gave him a silent thumbs up as a response.  
So totally Jason, Dick couldn't help but chuckle fondly at him.  
'Awesome.' Tracy muttered under her breath before slowing to a halt outside a door that looked like just like all the others they'd past.

A small silver plaque in the centre of the door read:  
'136 - ECT Suite'  
Dick just stared.  
'I'm gonna see you after.'  
It wasn't a question. Giving himself a mental shake, Dick looked down at Jason and shook his head dumbly.  
'N-no. No I'm here Jay okay? I'm here for the whole hog. Unless, do you want me to come back later?'t  
Jason didn't reply.  
His attention drawn away when Tracy motioned for Dick to open the door and they went inside. Dick wasn't sure what he expected. He didn't expect a full on torture chamber from the horror movies, but he didn't expect the cosy little waiting room, and the smiling receptionist behind the desk either.  
'Ah. High Security right?'  
Smiling, Tracy nodded and handed over Jason's clinical notes.  
'Yup. I called ahead so-'  
'Of course. Go right on through. Julie is expecting you.'  
Dick just stood looking blankly from one woman to the other. Julie? As in the fussy nurse from the infirmary Julie?  
'ECT suite is only open Mondays and Thursdays until 3 pm. Julie covers it as well as the infirmary.' Tracy muttered into his ear as they walked along the again, rather attractive corridor.

'I can walk!' Jason suddenly announced, determined not to be wheeled into the treatment room like some damn invalid. Tracy seemed surprised but to Dick it was understandable. Being wheeled along corridors was one thing, going into somewhere you already were apprehensive about was a different matter. You didn't want to appear weak and an easy target, tactics of the field were hard to drop.  
'Alright Jay.' Dick spoke up, giving Tracy an authoritative look that just dared her to say otherwise. Helping his brother up, he walked them both through the door that was labelled 'treatment room'.  
Tracy may have all the smarts when it came to psychiatry, but Dick was Jason's big brother and he got the mentality of being a vigilante, rule number one was to never look weak. A little voice in the back of his head pointed out that maybe that was the issue both of them were having but he choose to ignore it. Bizarrely, that voice was sounding more and more like Tracy as time went on.

 

Jason froze when he was escorted into the treatment room. Eyes widening, glued on the ECT machine, as if what he had just agreed to was only now sinking in.  
'Come on, Jay. We've been through worse. You're just going to go to sleep.' Dick tried to soothe his brother, which was hard when he himself was struggling to regulate his own breathing. Like Jason, he just wished that Bruce was here instead.  
He couldn't crumble, not now, his little brother needed him, for once had requested his presence. He wasn't going to let him down now.  
'That's it Jay. Let's get you settled.' Tracy coaxed, pushing lightly on his shoulder to get him to move and lie down on the bed. Frowning, Jason ran his hands along the padded sides.  
'Why?' He asked breathily.  
'Hush. Don't worry about it, Jay. Just lie down for the doctor. It's just there to keep you safe.'  
Watching his brother look up at him, Dick forgot how to breathe. There, just a tiny bit, he swore he could almost see trust in his eyes, before Jason nodded and lay down fully.  
The door opened again and in waltzed Julie from the infirmary, followed by Dr Leland and another medical professional Dick didn't recognise.  
'Good morning, Jay. My names Julie, you know Dr Leland and this is our anaesthetist -'  
'I know who you are. I don't care who everyone else is. Can we just do this already?' Jason grumbled, inhaling sharply when Julie moved to attach a million and one wires to his chest and head.  
'Fluids?' She asked, looking up at Tracy who nodded and before Jason could utter a word, a saline IV was attached to his cannula. 

 

Dick watched in silence, as the team worked to prepare his brother who remained with his eyes locked onto him the entire time, as if he was making sure he wasn't going to leave. This was hard, dear God it had to be one of the hardest things he had ever done but like hell he would run away and it hurt to think that Jason thought him capable of it.  
Once the blood pressure was taken and everyone agreed that they were happy to proceed, Jason became agitated.  
'No! No I changed my mind!'  
Leaping into action, Dick was by Jason's side, grabbing hold of the hand he tried to pull away, in an iron tight grip.  
'No Jay. Come on, you know this is for the best. Let them put you to sleep. It's just a nap, Little Wing. You're safe. I'm here! I won't let anything bad happen to you.'  
Dick watched in silence as the anaesthetist injected a white gloop, he recognised as general anaesthetic, into Jason's cannula, hushing his brother softly when he began to whimper.  
'That's it, you're doing so well, Little Wing. I'm so proud of you.'  
'Dickie.' Jason whined groggily as the mask was placed over his face, a few minutes later he was out for the count. A second injection was give immediately after, Dick could only guess that that was the muscle relaxant he read about in the pamphlet. It prevented broken bones and fractures during the seizure.  
Broken bones. Seizure.  
Dickie.  
Jason had called him by that name without venom since they were kids. 

Taking a deep grounding breath, Dick found himself leaning against the counter behind him to prevent his knees from buckling.  
Tracy pursed her lips at this action and rested a hand on the young man's shoulder.  
'Dick? See that door over there? That leads to the recovery room. You can wait in-'  
'No. I promised Jay, I wouldn't leave him.'  
'He's asleep, Dick. He won't know.'  
'That's not the point.' Dick muttered, eyes watching the Doctor prepare the ECT machine. 'I promised him that I won't leave. I've broken to many promises. He may not know but I will.'  
Sighing, Tracy knew better than to argue and looked up to nod at Doctor Leland.  
Returning the gesture, Joan positioned the metal rods that reminded Dick an awful lot like the ones from Frankenstein and nodded at the nurse in charge of the machine.  
'On my count.'  
Dick didn't here her count to three.  
All he heard was a buzzing as his brother began to convulse, his face contorting in a pained expression before relaxing back down again. Julie checked the brain wave reading before nodding. Dr Leland removed the tools and smiled up at Dick.  
'All done, Mr Grayson. He'll go through to recovery now.'  
'Thank you, Doctor.'  
Dick found himself replying before he even realised it was him talking.  
It had been so fast.

He'd seen people being electrocuted. The drawn out, abhorrent, violence of it. The smell of burnt flesh.  
That?  
That had lasted mere seconds, from the shock to the end of the seizure. His brother now sleeping peacefully, as if nothing had happened. In all honesty, he had seen more intense convulsions from perps who'd been tasered.  
'Are you okay, Dick?'  
Nodding slowly, Dick swallowed and glanced down at Tracy in wonder.  
'It- that was so quick?'  
Squeezing his hand, the nurse smiled at him warmly, eyes searching, calculating.  
'What were you expecting?  
Dick shrugged and watched his brother's sleeping form being wheeled away into recovery.  
'I've - I've seen things, done things in the field. Combined with what you hear about ECT, what you see in films? I feared that, that-'  
A hand on his shoulder halted his clunky explanation, and he blinked down at Tracy who was smiling at him in understanding.  
'Do you remember what I told you during our first meeting? About my role as a nurse?'  
Dick thought about this before nodding, a slight smile tugging at his lips. Man, he really should have just spoken to Tracy about his worries and fears about what was going to happen to his brother.  
'You're not here to torture people, Nurse.'


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'Survival mode is a phase that is meant to save your life.  
> It is not meant to be your life.'

The recovery room was clinical. There was no denying that. Three beds lined the wall, opposite those were a set of cupboards and trolleys that you'd see in any medical setting. There were machines that beeped and ticked that Dick only had a vague understanding as to their functions.  
The decor though was soft pinks and lilacs, there were curtains decorating the windows and pictures on the walls.  
Despite Tracy, Julie and even Dr Leland's best efforts, nothing could coax Dick away from Jason's bedside. The young man was sat, head pillowed against arms which rested on his brother's bed, eyes focused on him, waiting. Every so often his focus would shift to the machines that beeped away, keeping an eye on the readings. He knew about his brother's increased risk of cardiac arrest and he wasn't overly sure when that window of risk had passed. None of the professionals looking after him seemed worried though so he'd kind of gathered that Jason was okay.  
Tracy had sighed and disappeared through another door that she explained lead to another waiting room. Apparently he could get a drink and something to eat there but Dick wasn't interested. He'd promised not to leave Jason and going through that door was leaving him as far as he was concerned.  
After a sleepless night and a morning full of strife and worry, for the ECT to finally be over and to see his little brother safe and sound, Dick didn't feel lighter, he felt very heavy instead, lethargic.  
The rhythmic beeping and the soft bed he was leaning on didn't help matters and after only a few minutes of watching Jason sleep, his eyelids grew impossibly heavy. 

'Dick? Dick, sweetie, wake up.'  
There was a light tapping on his shoulder and Dick jerked awake. Disorientated a little at first until he saw Jason still sleeping and turned to blink blearily up at Tracy.  
A cup of coffee was pressed into his hand.  
'Thank you. Sorry.' Dick mumbled, taking a grateful sip, he leant back in his chair and watched the steady rise and fall of Jason's chest. 'How much longer?'  
Tracy smiled and sat down on the chair next to him with a half drunk coffee of her own.  
'Not much longer now, he's been stirring.You've been asleep for a little while. I told Julie to leave you be, you looked like you needed it.'  
Nodding, Dick took another sip of coffee and glanced up at the machines again.  
'I've been thinking, if you want to see what a Lazurus Pit does? I can try and get Tim to send you some footage. He's not talking to me, but I can try.'  
'I'd like that. Thank you.' Tracy replied softly, silently observing before sighing and taking another sip of coffee.  
'You can't go on like this, Dick.'  
Dick shook his head and took another sip of coffee, refusing to look away from his brother.  
'I'm fine. I cut back on the drinking like you said.'  
Tracy shook her head and motioned towards Jason, her expression neutral but serious.  
'Something's going to give Dick and it's going to be you. Think about Jay. Do you honestly think he doesn't see? He may not be well at the moment Dick but he's not stupid. He sees the states you show up in, the exhaustion. Jay sees it Dick, he knows you. He knows you're not coping but can do nothing about it. Maybe you don't notice, but he worries about you.'

Dick snorted and shook his head, that seemed a little far fetched. How could Jason know anything? His brother could hardly hold a conversation without spiralling off on multiple, illogical tangents every other sentence. As much as he hated to admit it, his brother was mad.  
It wasn't overly PC to call him that, but the top and bottom line of it was that Jason was caught up in his own world. Hell, he had sat and tried to convince Jason that there wasn't any soil on him and that his fingernails were still there. He'd had had to sit and watch his brother claw at his own body because he was convinced that he smelt of death.  
How dare Tracy use his brother as ammo when it was quite blatantly obvious that Jason was not the intelligent, witty person he used to be.  
'Leave my brother out of this, Nurse. I'm warning you.' Dick ground out under his breath, fighting the urge to shield Jason from her gaze.  
The threat in Dick's voice did nothing to deter Tracy if anything, she just seemed to grow more concerned.  
'How long has it been since you last slept Richard?'  
'36 hours.' Dick grumbled through gritted teeth, wishing that she'd just shut up already. 'I have work to do. I can't just start frittering time away on indulgence.'

'Basic self care is not indulgence, Richard. Okay, if we're playing this game answer me this. When was the last time that you enjoyed doing something? Spoke to someone beyond necessities? Asked Damian about his day?'  
Dick didn't answer. Instead choosing to fiddle with Jason's blankets and check the placement of the oxygen mask. Blotting Tracy out like everything else in his life at the moment that he couldn't handle.  
'Our meeting? This evening? I've made an appointment with Dr Thompkins, Dick. I'd like you to go of your own volition because you don't want to be like this anymore.'  
Suddenly bursting into a bitter laugh, Dick shook his head and shot Tracy a very challenging look.  
'You want me on meds? Is that it? I ain't crazy. I mean, what are you honestly going to do if I say no huh? Stop my pocket money? Put me in time out?'  
Tracy was silent for a moment, those damn eyes constantly observing, sometimes Dick felt like he was under a microscope.  
'There's a fine line between being well and unwell.'   
Pursing her lips, Tracy lifted her gaze to give him a very firm, solemn look.   
'Part of my job is to assess, to recognise that line, Dick. Yesterday, I struggled to let you go home with the belief that you were safe to do so. Today? I'm finding that decision even harder to make, especially knowing that you are the primary carer of a minor. Please Dick, if not for yourself, for your family? They can't lose you too.'

Dick swallowed and looked back over at Jason. It felt like Tracy has just plunged him into the icy waters of Gotham's docks. Part of him denying every word the nurse said, but that annoying little voice rang out above it all that this was reality. He couldn't carry on trying to coast through life.   
How long until he gets so tired that he makes a wrong call on patrol and doesn't come home? What happens then? What would happen to Damian, Tim, Cass, Jason? They needed him.  
Who would run Wayne Enterprises? He was already doing a piss poor job at keeping it afloat.   
His entire world was replying on him to keep spinning he couldn't, he couldn't just stop. Too many people needed him.   
'I'm trying.' He muttered, hastily wiping at the tears that welled in his eyes before they could fall.  
Smiling Tracy nodded, reaching out to squeeze his hand.  
'I know Dick. It must be very hard to do what you do. All I'm saying is maybe, maybe it's time for us to get you a little more help hmm? So you can keep on looking after your family. Most people would have crumbled Dick and I admire your strength. Bruce would be so proud of you! What would be say if he were sat with us right now?'  
Inhaling sharply, Dick looked over at Jason and his chin wobbled.   
Bruce would never forgive what he had done to Jason. Leaning over, he kissed his brother's forehead, before finally giving up and letting the tears fall.  
'He'd want me to look after Jason, look after everyone, by whatever means necessary.'  
Nodding,Tracy let Dick cry into his brother's shoulder for a moment, half wondering if Jason would question why he had a wet, snotty patch on his uniform when he woke up.  
'C-can you come?'  
'Of course, Dick.'

The steady rhythm of Jason's heart rate picked up and Dickie Grayson was firmly back in place, eyes darting from his brother to the machine.  
'Jay? Jay? Can you hear me? It's Dick?'  
Placing the almost empty cup of coffee down, he watched as his brother's body slowly started to reanimate, fingers twitching by his sides.  
'That it Little Wing. Wake up now, come on!'  
Eyes slitted to reveal hints of teal and Dick grinned, hovering over him, he patted his brother's hand to encourage him to rejoin the land of the living.  
It seemed to take forever but eventually, Jason opened his eyes fully, clearly struggling to focus before finally resting on Dicks face that was inches from his own.

The first few words were mumbled Spanish, too slurred for Dick to even try to translate until finally Jason managed to remember English.  
'Out'  
'Huh? What was that Little Wing?' Dick asked, leaning further over so he could hear the rasped whisper more clearly.  
'Out m'room Dickface.'  
Laughing, Dick ran a hand threw his brother's hair and shook his head.  
'You're not home, Jay. Come on, wake up for me.'  
Moaning,Jason frowned, trying to raise his hand he gave a hitched sob.  
'Jay? You okay?'  
Glancing up at Tracy anxiously, Dick stepped to one side to allow the nurse access.  
'Jay? It's the nurse, Tracy. How are you sweetie?'  
'Head. It hurts.' Jason groaned, before finally moving a hand to remove the mask, only for Tracy to push him away from it.  
'Jay, leave the mask on for a few more minutes.'  
'No.'  
'Oy, Little Wing. Don't be a pain in the ass and leave the mask alone until the nurses tell you.' Dick butted in, watching his brother frown before sighing and lifting his eyes to the ceiling.  
'That's it. You did good, it's over now.'   
He assured him, blinking in surprise when Jason reached out his hand, before taking it without question.   
'You did good.'   
'Jay. Do you know what day it is today?' Julie questioned, taking notes on her clipboard.  
'No.'  
'Okay. Do you know where you are, Jay?'  
Frowning, Jason looked down at the IV in his arm, before his eyes lifted to the nurses and the privacy curtain around the bed.  
'Hospital.'  
'Which one, Sweetheart. Which hospital are you in?'  
'Dunno. Dickie?'  
'Hush, it's okay, Little Wing. I'm here.' Dick reassured him, squeezing his hand he moved closer when Tracy stepped back and ushered him forwards. 'I've got you. You're okay, we're okay. You've had a treatment remember? You've been asleep.'  
Grunting, Jason clearly thought about this before nodding groggily.  
'Ya.'

'Little Wing?' Julie chuckled, watching the the young man lean over her patient and stroke his hair again.  
'They've become close. After Hood saved Mr Grayson.' Tracy informed her with a light smile.  
'They're like brothers?'  
Humming, Tracy nodded, elated to see the two of them together like this. Sure, it was mainly due to Jason still being out of it but it showed potential. The familial love was there, beneath all the hurt and mess of their past.   
Jason reached up to take the mask off again, shouting at Dick when his brother tried to keep it on his face.  
'I think we're growing tired of being hooked up to everything.' Tracy observed, dashing over to grab hold of Jason's hand before he pulled out the IV. The young man struggled even more when Julie wrapped the cuff around his bicep.  
'Jay, stay still just a few minutes longer and then we'll have you unhooked and you can sit up. Alright, Son? I'm just checking your blood pressure.' Julie instructed, removing the oxygen mask as she started up the machine.

'What day is it, Jay?'  
'Thursday.'  
Grinning, Dick looked up at Tracy who nodded in response to his elation.  
'Good, Jay. Where are you?'  
'Arkham.' Jason grumbled, eyes resting on the BP machine as his heart rate and systolic reading popped up with a beep. 'I'm fine. Look! Can I sit up now?'  
Laughing, Julie helped Tracy raise the bed and began unhooking him from everything before pointing at the fluid bag.  
'The drip needs to stay in until all that has gone, Jay. You're an intelligent young man, so if I see you trying to pull that out again I will not be happy.'   
Smirking slightly, she threw a look at Tracy.  
'He doesn't need us. I think he could monitor himself.'  
Huffing, Jason folded his arms with a pout.  
'Duh, whatya think I did on the outside?'  
Chuckling, Dick shook his head and punched his shoulder lightly.  
'Oh shut up. You've got two beautiful young women caring for your every need right now, Jay. Enjoy it.'  
'Enjoy is not the adjective I would use. You are not lying here with a killer headache.'  
'Aw, Jay. You're fine sweetheart. In fact, I've never seen anyone recover from the anaesthesia so fast? I've been doing this job for nearly ten years!'   
Julie smiled before nodding towards Tracy.  
'Nurse Carter will give you some Paracetamol when you go back okay?'  
'No. I don't want to.' Jason protested, flinging a pleading look at Dick. 'Tell 'em I don't want none.'  
Tracy shook her head and grabbed hold of the hand Dick wasn't currently holding, forcing her patient to turn and look at her.  
'Jay, Jay calm. Deep breaths, you need to relax for a bit for me. You don't have to have paracetamol if you don't want it. It's okay, everything's okay. Breathe.'

Nodding, Jason smiled slightly and closed his eyes for a moment before opening them again to look at his brother.  
'Can I eat now?'  
Looking over at Julie, who inclined her head, Dick nodded and squeezed his brother's hand.  
'Can I have a sandwich?'  
'No, Jay, would you like a yoghurt or we have chocolate moose? Porridge?' Julie informed him, watching a look of disgust melt across his face.  
'What! Why?'  
'It's a chocking hazard. You could still fit, Little Wing.'   
'This sucks.'  
'Uh huh.'   
Catching Tracy's eye, Dick threw her his winning smile.   
'Chocolate moose, he'll eat it.' He announced happily, slapping a hand over his little brother's mouth when he went to protest.  
Julie watched the very brotherly display, in her opinion, before chuckling and walking away with a nod.  
'Um okay?'  
'Can you leave it sealed please, Nurse?' Dick asked as an after thought, earning quizzical looks off both nurses and Jason himself.  
Nodding slowly, Julie shrugged and disappeared through the door that lead to the waiting room, there must be a small kitchen in there, Dick deduced silently to himself.  
'Dick? A word?' Tracy asked ,getting up to walk over to the counters on the other side of the room.  
Letting go of a rather annoyed Jason, Dick looked over at the nurse, he didn't want to leave his brother.  
'Go. I'm 'Kay Dickie. I'll just sit here and watch the pink elephants.'  
Frowning, Dick cocked his head at Jason, who just lay back against the pillows and smirked at the ceiling. He honestly could not tell if his brother was pulling his leg or not?  
Deciding to give up, Dick nodded and patted his shoulder softly.  
'Okay, I'll be right back Jay.' 

Sauntering over, Dick quirked an eyebrow at Tracy, who looked just as confused as he did.   
'What's wrong nurse? Is Jay okay?'  
Tracy sighed and nodded, eyes travelling over to the door Julie walked through.  
'What's with the sealed moose Dick?'  
The question confused Dick and he followed her gaze before shrugging and rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly.  
'Well, I'm not saying I'm as good as you at this stuff but-'  
Tracy hummed and changed her body language ever so slightly to appear more open and approachable.  
'Dick, it's okay to feel protective of Jay but I promise, we aren't going to hurt him.'  
'What! No, no Nurse I don't, I know, you guys do an amazing job with Jay. I just think this might get him to eat? You know, with the whole belief he's being poisoned thing?' Dick explained, confused by the concerned and rather shocked expression on Tracy's face.  
'When did Jay tell you this Dick? Why didn't you inform me?' Tracy almost gasped, mind running at a million miles an hour as she looked from Dick to Jason, who seemed to have dropped back off to sleep again.  
'What did he tell you Richard? When did he tell you?'  
'I erm, yesterday?' Clearing his throat Dick continued, his brow knotting slightly in confusion. 'He said he was being poisoned. He said it was because he felt sick all the time. I thought you guys knew? He talks to you Nurse?'  
Shaking her head, Tracy reached out to pat the young man's shoulder with a warm smile.  
'You're his brother, Dick.' 

 

Dick made a noncommittal hum and wandered back over to Jason's side, sitting back down in his chair. That didn't ring true with him.   
Sure, Dick was Jason's brother, but they had hardly been close before and more recently they were more like enemies than family. He wasn't Jason's confidante and probably never would be. Tracy was the first person to have gotten through to his brother, not him.  
Dick found himself going back to Jason wanting to walk to show strength. A defensive behaviour from being a vigilante. Eyes widening slightly, Dick looked up at Tracy who was stood watching them with that calculating look again.  
'You're poisoning him!'  
'What?'   
Tracy blinked at the sudden accusation but Dick just shook his head and smiled slightly.  
'Why would you tell the ones poisoning you that you're being poisoned? He told me because he knows I can help. He trusts me, if only just a little!'  
The revelation left Dick feeling quite giddy, he had long since given up on ever gaining Jason's trust but he had it, even if it was small and fragile, it was trust!  
Before the pair could explore this any further, Jason groaned and opened his eyes again, looking over at the door just in time for Julie to breeze through with the promised moose. As requested it was still sealed.   
'Here ya go sweetheart.' 

Jason didn't seem convinced and although everyone heard his stomach grumble, the boy shook his head and turned his face into the pillow.  
'No.'  
Taking the moose, Dick smiled calmly and jabbed his brother in the temple until he turned to look at him, knowing full well that it would make his headache worse.  
'Ow! Ger'off!' Jason grumbled, turning to glare at his brother who brandished the desert at him.  
'Look at it Jay! Come on! Look at it! I've just checked it and it's sealed. No pinpricks, no tampering of any kind! There is no way it could be poisoned!' Dick announced before squinting at the company name on the label 'Unless you've annoyed 'Milk Maid' recently?'  
Jason scowled at him for a few long moments before snatching the pot and studying it intently, scrutinising the foil seal before giving an approving snort. Without a word he tried to pull off the lid but his co-ordination was still a little clumsy and he only succeeded in creating foil confetti from the edges.  
'Jay, do you want me to help?' Tracy asked, reaching a out hand expectantly, only for Jason to narrow his eyes at her.   
He looked back down at the impregnable dessert darkly, and Tracy prepared herself to duck out of the way of flying moose. Jason didn't throw it, instead he lifted his head and turned to look at his brother.  
Without a word, he held the pot out towards him, clearly unsure and not overly trusting his decision.  
Dick smiled slightly and took the pot, not missing the hurt look in Jason's eyes when he removed the lid with ease before handing it back.  
'You'll be fine in a bit, Little Wing. You've had muscle relaxant and an anaesthetic, give yourself a break.'

Nodding, Jason didn't seem overly thrilled but accepted Dick's reassurance and fumbled about with the plastic spoon before finally succeeding in claiming it.   
Dick swallowed down his whoop of glee when Jason began to eat and instead shot a pointed look over at Tracy.  
'I thought you liked the nurse?'  
Lifting his eyes to meet Tracy's, Jason nodded, before going back to devouring the moose.  
'Is she a good person Little Wing?'  
Jason paused, swallowing a mouthful of chocolate he ducked his head down and averted his eyes, a blush colouring his pale cheeks.  
'Yes. Did you have a good Christmas?'  
'Erm yeah? Yeah, it's was okay. Jay, listen to me.' Dick pressed, hoping to distract Jason from his random thoughts of Christmas and back to the matter at hand. Jason seem satisfied with the answer that his brother had had a good Christmas and looked up at him expectantly.  
'I think Nurse Carter is a good person too. I think she's a safe person.'  
Jason frowned, before glancing back over at Tracy, studying her for a long moment.  
'They're watching me.' He muttered quietly into Dick's ear. 'All the time. They know.'  
Nodding, Dick glanced up at the stitches in Jason's head and smiled softly.  
'I told them to keep you safe, Jay. That's why they're watching you. So you don't hurt yourself again. They want to make you feel safe.'  
'Safe.' Jason parroted, clearly toying with this idea, before finishing off his moose and looking over at the door it had come from.  
'We go through there next. What's through there? When can I get up?'  
Dick barked a laugh and punched his brother lightly on the shoulder.  
'Jesus Little Wing! Do you give these nurses five minutes peace?'

Luckily it wasn't long until Jason was allowed out of bed and helped through to the second waiting g room which looked like a little sitting room.  
They wouldn't need to stay here quite as long, and Jason seemed pretty content to sit on one of the couches and flick through a magazine.   
Dick and Tracy went off to make him a cup of tea and Dick smiled when his brother accepted it, if a little warily, along with the sandwich Dick bought him from the vending machine outside.  
Despite the second coffee Dick drank whilst they'd waited for the all clear to go back down to High Security, he started to flag after trying and failing to get Jason into a wheelchair and having to steady him the entire journey back.

Biting back a yawn, Dick placed a supporting hand on the small of Jason's back as they walked back into the rec room.   
A few tables from the dining room had been hauled out and a couple of inmates were busy doing Origami. Edward typically being an active participator and crowing about how he could fold more intricate designs than Johnathan, who just shook his head and turned away.  
Dick blinked and tried to work out if this was real or some sort of hallucination due to sleep deprivation.  
'Ah, we're back. We okay Jay?'   
Startling, Dick spun around to see Stu walking towards them with a huge smile.  
Jason nodded, his attention too, had been stolen by the brightly coloured paper models.  
'Hey Crane! Look, a crane!' Edward yelled out, waving a paper crane under Johnathan's nose who seemed on the verge of killing his friend.  
'Edward, pipe down and leave Johnathan alone!' Tracy interjected, waking over to level the man with a single look, before disappearing inside the office with Jason's file.  
Dick still couldn't quite work out what was going on and shot a questioning look at Stu who offered him a shrug.  
'Activities Nurse called in sick so I improvised?'  
'Huh'   
Nodding, the young man looked around he room again, he'd never known that there were activities. In hindsight it made sense, the inmates had to do something to occupy themselves. Although, after glancing at Jason's notes yesterday he hadn't seen any mention of him doing any activities?  
'Jay?' Stu continued, 'Would you like to stay or go and read in the quiet room?'  
The tone of his voice made it very clear that retiring to his cell was not going to be an option.

Jason was quiet for a moment, sucking on his bottom lip, teal eyes darted around the rec room anxiously. Without a word he grabbed Dick by the hand and hauled him over to a couple of empty chairs.  
'J-Jay I can't stay! It isn't visiting.' Dick tried to explain but Jason ignored him and just shoved coloured paper under his nose as a response. He glanced up at Stu for help and the man merely shrugged, clearly far too amused about the entire situation.  
'Eh, what's one more monkey to the circus? I won't tell if you won't?'  
Dick smiled gratefully and turned back to his brother, who was flicking through an activities book.  
'Okay. Okay, we make one thing Jay. Then I've got to leave. I need to pick Damian up from school.'

It was never going to just be one thing.  
Jason abandoned the book and started folding yellow paper before grabbing a felt tip and dribbling on it hastily.   
'Look Dick, Picachu!'  
Dick couldn't help but chuckle and shake his head at the Japanese cartoon character he knew his brother had liked, the fad missed him by a few years.   
In the end, Dick didn't make much at all and ended up watching Jason go to town folding little creations before offering them to him for scrutiny.  
Dick always said they were good, how could he not?   
He had no idea how to do Origami, Jason however apparently was an old hat at it. The praise seemed to do something to his little brother, colour started to seep into his cheeks and his eyes sparkled just ever so slightly. Dick hadn't seen him look like that since Jason was 15.

'You're really good at this.' Dick observed, tapping the wings of a dragon in admiration. 'I never knew you could do this?'  
Jason glanced up, a small nostalgic smile on his face. He was like a different person and Dick wasn't sure if it was the ECT, Origami or magic.  
'When I was a kid? I used to make things out of leaflets, newspaper and stuff. It-it stopped you getting bored.' Jason explained, the memories that brought up though seemed to dampen his mood. Hanging his head he watched Dick admire the dragon he made sadly. 'It stopped you thinking too much about the bad things.'  
'Bad things?'   
Cocking his head, Dick focused on his brother, ignoring Tracy who'd reappeared and was now hovering close by, clearly interested in what Jason was telling him.  
Jason opened his mouth, as if building up to say something before he too caught sight of the nurse and he motioned to the paper.  
'I can teach you? What dya wanna makes? Keep it simple.'  
A little disappointed that his brother had shut back down again, Dick swallowed and tried to think of something to make.  
'A flower?'  
'A flower!' Raising an eyebrow, Jason rolled his eyes and picked up two piece of paper, one red and one blue. Dick couldn't help but smirk at the irony. 'Flowers, I swear to God Grayson, there's summit wrong with you!'

Jason was actually quite a talented teacher. Despite his short fuse, he was patient and quite happy to repeat a step over and over again until his brother finally got it. Grinning in encouragement when he got it right.   
'So, you okay Dickie?'  
The question was random and oddly placed, throwing Dick off guard a little. Swallowing, he folded a corner of his own initiative and forced a bright smile.  
'I'm fine Little Wing. Why do you ask?'  
Jason snuck a look at Edward before sighing and shaking his head.  
'Just being polite is all.' He mumbled, slapping Dicks hands when he got a fold wrong. 'Stop trying to control everything and let me help!'  
Blinking, Dick nodded and muttered an apology. Those words hit a little close to home, he knew Jason hadn't meant them like that though, so Dick just forced another smile and allowed Jason to take control again.

Before long, two flowers were sat in front of them and Dick genuinely smiled, despite the fact that he was now beyond tired. It was worth it, just to grab these moments with Jason.  
'We did it, Jay. Thank you.'  
Jason gave him a long hard look before handing him the flower he'd made.  
'Whatever. You can go now.'  
Dick gazed down at the red flower, a lump of tears forming in his throat, unsure whether thanking Jason would be a good move or not?  
'Like the Old Man says, tiredness kills Dickiebird. So does liver damage from alcohol abuse but tiredness will get ya first.' Jason grumbled before swiping, the flower Dick made and storming off, Stu hot on his tail, obviously he was on eyesight duty this afternoon.  
Dick got up to leave, trying hard not to feel hurt but not being overly successful. His brother's words echoing in his ears.   
Offering a nod of farewell to Tracy, Dick followed a guard out of the wing before she could collar him to talk about Dr Thompkins again.

 

What Tracy said couldn't be true?  
Jason was ill.  
There was no way, he could see what was going on around him.  
Yet, despite a valiant attempt to convince himself of this, Dick could not get Jason's words and the look on his face out of his head.   
More than anything, he didn't want his brother worrying about him. Jason wasn't well and had enough on his plate. It wasn't fair on him.  
Sighing, Dick opened the door of his car and slid into the driver's seat. The day doing a full circle as he ended up staring at Arkham silently.  
Jason was worrying about him.  
Dick glanced down at the red flower his brother had made before tucking it behind his prayer beads on his mirror.  
That cemented his decision.   
He was meeting Tracy and going to Leslie.  
Dick would do it and he'd do it for Jason.


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Once you have learnt to love, you will have learned to live!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dubcon warning for this chapter!
> 
> You can't skip it if you want to?  
> It's basically Talia. I'm sure you get the gist anyway.
> 
> ((Hugs))

After the first few treatments, Jason improved just ever so slightly. He still preferred his own company and still spent large amounts of time in his cell, but Tracy decided that was more to do with his personality than anything else. He was doing things again though, he went to visit the kids upstairs again and on a good day he could even be persuaded to participate in activities like he had with Dick.  
Today's activity was creating collages of personal aesthetics. Quite a few members of staff were quick to scoff at Sean, the activities nurse, claiming that he wasn't a 'proper' nurse. Tracy disagreed, just by walking onto the wing he was able to make an accurate risk assessment and come up with an activity that fitted with the general consensus of that day. Today was quite settled, so the scissors and glue had come out.

Jason was slumped in a chair in the far corner of the dining room, making stroppy comments and trying his best to be disruptive.  
'This is like fucking school. I ain't a kid. My balls have dropped and everything!'  
'Oy, Jay is that really an appropriate thing to say huh?'  
Sean however, took this in his stride. Handing over a magazine and a pair of scissors, he smiled cheerily down at the sulking young man.  
'Come on, let's face this with a mature outlook yeah? Just cut out a few things about you which are good and stick them on the paper.'  
'Fucking god damn bullshit is this?' Jason griped, pulling the magazine towards himself when he saw Tracy watching. 'Stupid. Dumbass piece of shit.'  
'Language Jay!' Sean prompted and Jason scowled in response. He decided that Sean and Dick were cut from the same cheery, annoying as hell cloth.  
'Language Jay.' Jason parroted in frustration before scanning the room.  
All the other inmates seemed to be settling down to the task, cutting out various pictures they thought described them.  
Jason stared at the very blank paper again, feeling rather alienated.  
Deciding that doing nothing would just gain him more attention, Jason picked up the scissors and flipped open the magazine.

Life as usual hated him because right in the centre fold was an entire article on 'The Waynes'. It had to be at least a year old because Bruce was posing in the centre with all of his siblings by his side. There was even a smaller picture of him to one side and a little paragraph about his death.  
Carefully, Jason cut out the pictures of his family. He wasn't sure what he thought about seeing them all so he decided to cut off their heads.  
The action only briefly satisfying, in the end he felt no better for it.  
Jason's eyes fell to the picture of his teenage self in a tux.  
He remembered when that had been taken.  
Closing his eyes for a moment, he could feel large fingers digging into his hair, ruffling it. He could smell the cocktail of perfumes and colognes, champagne, food and finally, a smell that was so uniquely Bruce.  
'I'm proud of how you handled yourself back there. Also you scrub up good, Kid. I have a feeling you'll be having all the ladies and I'll get kicked to curb.'  
Bruce's breath was hot against his ear, but before he could reply a photographer had asked for a photograph.  
Calmly, Jason picked up the scissors again, clenching the instrument in a tight fist, he methodically ripped into his own smiling face, completely and utterly obliterating it. By the time he was satisfied the picture of the happy Jason was completely gone, leaving a big empty hole in the magazine.  
A small smile tugged at Jason's lips.  
Now, he felt better.  
His gaze shifted to Dick's head and the blank paper he'd been told to stick stuff too.  
Applying a generous layer of glue to the back of his brother's head he slapped it down and declared himself finished.

 

Jason looked up to see what everyone be else was doing, no one was paying him any attention, which suited him just fine. Sean and Tracy were mingling around the other inmates and Cash and Jones were guarding the door.  
Logging that information away, he scanned the room again.  
Everyone else didn't seem to be having the same problem with the task that he was having. Even Jervis was giving it a jolly good go, even if Tracy had to keep persuading him to choose something other than teacups and underage blonde girls.  
Sighing, Jason stared back down at his brother's head stuck to his paper, mindlessly squishing it with his thumb, as if trying to kill a bug.  
'Come on Jay, I'm sure we can do better than that.'  
Sean appeared in the chair opposite and Jason scowled.  
'Go away, Sean. I'm doing your stupid ass sticking and gluing crap so what's your deal?'  
Nodding slightly, Sean noted the decapitated members of the Wayne family and the huge hole in the middle of the magazine where Jason Todd's picture had been.  
'Mr Grayson?'  
'What?'  
Smiling, Sean pointed out Dick's head stuck on the paper and arched his eyebrow.  
'I asked you to choose pictures of things that are good about you, things you like. You stuck Mr Grayson down?'  
Jason blinked before looking back down at the paper.  
'I hadda do summit to shut you up. Now, fuck off Sean.'

The nurse smiled and nodded again. Deciding to leave that conversation for now, he picked up the destroyed magazine before walking away with it. Jason watched him curiously before realising that the nurse was just swapping it for another one.  
'Here we go, Jay. Let's try this again yeah?'  
Jason shook his head and shoved the magazine away.  
'Come on Jay, the task is quite easy. Now, let's try the trickier bit hmm? Let's think of one good thing.'  
Easy.  
This was easy.  
Jason looked from Sean to his paper, before flipping through the magazine, not missing how the nurse smiled in encouragement. Pictures and words swirled all into intelligible clumps. Faces smiling and laughing at him. He could hear it ringing in his ears, laughter.  
This was easy but he didn't know.  
'Jay?'  
Sean's voice sounded so far away, as if he were underwater. Closing his eyes Jason shook his head to try and shut it all out.  
This was easy.  
Growling, he crumpled the paper, before storming out of the dining room.  
He vaguely heard Sean calling after him, he felt Cash and Jones try and block his exit but non of it mattered.  
He needed to get to his cell. If he just got to his cell everything would be okay. It would, it was safe there.

Jason roared when his hand pressed against the door leading to the cells only to find it locked. Hammering his fists against it, he shook off Stu when he tried to gain his attention.  
'Open the doors!'  
'Jay, Jay I can see that you're upset-'  
'Fuck off! Open the fucking doors!'  
'Jay?'  
A female voice cut through his haze and Jason frowned, he recognised that voice.  
Tagging out with Stu, Tracy stepped into Jason's line of vision.  
'Jay? You're angry yes? I can see that but I don't understand. I need you to tell me why.'  
Growling, Jason levelled the door with a hefty kick before motioning towards it.  
'Open the door Trace. I want to go to my cell but the doors' locked.'  
Sighing, Tracy pursed her lips and reaches out to lightly touch Jason's quivering shoulder. He startled and turned to look down at her in confusion. He wasn't angry, not really, he just thought he was because to him, it was easier to understand.  
'Jay, I'd like you to think back to your care plan. The one we made last week with Dr Leland. What did we put in it about staying in your cell?'

Huffing a frustrated breath, Jason slammed the back of his head against the wall with a wail.  
'I-I gotta do the activities but I can't. Why won't no one believe me?'  
Giving his head another good bash, Jason sunk down to his haunches, hands digging into his wavy hair. Kneeling down on the floor with him, Tracy placed her hand gently behind Jason's head.  
'Jay, you need to move away from the wall.'  
'No.' Came a muffled reply but Tracy only sighed and shook her head.  
'Jay, come on. You're hurting yourself. What will Dick say if he comes tomorrow to find out that you're hurt again? Hmm?'  
There was a long drawn out silence before slowly, Jason shuffled further forwards so he was sat in the middle of the floor instead.  
'Dick'll be mad at me.'  
Tracy blinked at the statement, she had hoped Jason would have jumped to not wanting to get the staff in trouble, however, the statement did suggest why Jason was so distressed.

'Thank you for moving for me Jay.'  
Cocking her head,Tracy smiled softly and reached out her hand. 'Jay I don't think Dick would be angry at you. Now, why don't you tell me why you can't do the activity?'  
Painfully slowly, Jason took Tracy's hand, lifting his head he looked up at her, wiping tears away with his other hand.  
'There's too much blank space.'  
Nodding slightly, Tracy reached for the piece of paper Jason had screwed up.  
Flattening it out, she tugged on the hand holding hers and motioned towards the A4 paper.  
'This is too much blank space? The paper?'  
Tracy watched how Jason gazed back down at the paper in dismay. 'Come on Jay. What are you finding hard about the task hmm?'  
Shaking his head, Jason pulled his hand free and shook his head again.  
'I can't do it. I can't think of anything good. Sean says it's easy. It's not. Sean's angry because I can't do it, Dick's angry because I hit my head on the wall. It should be easy. It's not. It's not!'  
Shouting out the last part of his explanation, Jason curled back up in to ball with a high pitched whine, anxiety practically sparking off his tense shoulders.

Nodding along, Tracy patted Jason's shin softly, when a pair of teal eyes met hers she motioned towards the paper.  
'You're right, Jay. Being kind to ourselves can be very hard. Sean understands that, he was trying to help you. Think back for me, what expression was on his face Jay?'  
Jason frowned, his first instinct was to say he was angry, but that wasn't quite right? Sean hadn't been mad at him.  
'He was smiling at me.' Jason mumbled, a faint blush dusting his cheeks at the realisation. Tracy didn't seem to find him stupid though, she just kept smiling before foraging around in the pockets of her uniform. Jason found himself distracted by daydreams of when he had had pockets in his clothes. Funny, the things you miss.  
'Jay, I'm not Sean, but I'm pretty sure that when he said the task was easy he meant the cutting and sticking. Do you think that part of the task would be easy?'  
Nodding, Jason scowled in response and folded his arms defensively. Well of course that bit was easy, a kindergarten cut out a picture, it was finding things that held meaning to him that was ... oh.

Huffing a breath, Jason hung his head in defeat, he'd acted like a looney, again.  
'm'sorry Tracy. I'll go apologise to Sean for shouting at him.'  
Nodding, Tracy smiled and squeezed his hand again.  
'I'm sure Sean would appreciate your apology. I think he'd also like you to complete the task he set you?'  
Jason nodded briskly, turning to look down at the paper, Tracy had drawn a line down the centre of it with her pen and for the life of him, Jason could not figure out why.  
'What if we just filled this half of the paper with good things about you? What do you think?'  
Jason frowned, his eyes flicking from the blank half, to the other half that had his brother on it. He had to admit the smaller space to fill seemed a lot less daunting.  
'It'll look dumb.' He grumbled, the idea of making something that just looked ridiculous quickly extinguishing the notion that filling half of the paper would be better.  
Tracy nodded and shrugged nonchalantly.  
'Well, we've already stuck Dick on this half?'  
Smiling again, she caught Jason's quizzical gaze and raised an eyebrow. 'How about we do one half about you and the other about Dick?'  
Jason stared down at the paper for a long moment until muttering a barely audible.  
'Okay.'

Sean looked up when Tracy reentered the dining room and began sifting through the pile of magazines, picking out a couple she thought might hold some relatable material.  
'Is the Boy Wonder okay Miss Tracy?' Nigma asked, glancing up from his own collage in concern.  
'He's fine, Edward. I like how you've used all those shades of green.' Tracy replied, studying the different words, pictures and colours Edward had stuck on his paper before smiling up at Sean.  
'I've taken Jay to the quiet room. Can I borrow some materials? We'll do the activity in there.'  
Nodding, Sean pulled over an empty box and piled in some magazines, paper and finally some glue and a pair of scissors.  
'Is he okay with these?'  
'Should be. We've had a chat and calmed down. I made him a tea before coming back. Stu is with him.'  
Chuckling, Sean gave her a wink and handed over the box.  
'Can't wait to see what you two come up with.'  
Accepting the box, Tracy returned the wink and made her way back out of the dining room.  
'Stu will come take over from me to help you out. Don't rush off at lunch, Jay said he wanted to apologise for shouting at you.'  
Chuckling at Sean's dumbfounded expression, Tracy made a quick exit.

Jason was sat on the couch sipping his tea with Stu, when Tracy reappeared and placed the materials down on the coffee table.  
'Right, that's my cue. There's a baseball game on this afternoon, fancy watching it with me, Jay?'  
'What teams playin'?' Jason replied, peering at the nurse over the top of his tea.  
'Gotham Knights vs Star City Stars.' Stu said matter of factly, giving a wry smile to Tracy who had been lost ever since the mention of baseball.  
Grunting, Jason nodded and offered the older man a small smile.  
'Ain't seen the Knights play since I was a kid.'  
'That a yes?'  
'Maybe.' Jason replied with a thoughtful nod, eyes following Stu as he left the room.  
'Gotham Knights fan huh?' Tracy half teased, smiling she motioned towards the door. 'Stu's been after a fellow Knights fan to watch the games with.'  
Jason brightened a little at this, before his mood damped again and he shook his head.  
'Like I said, ain't seen 'em since I was a kid. My- Willis liked 'em. Bruce, he- well, he took me to a game once. Got a signed bat and everything.'

Tracy for want of a better world could only describe Jason as doleful, reclaiming his tea he sipped at it, running his fingers along the warm surface.  
Taking out a magazine, she quietly flipped through, letting Jason have a few minutes alone with his thoughts before pushing the magazine across the table towards him.  
'Well, Jay, I think that could be our first picture to stick down hmm?'  
Blinking, Jason peered over the rim of his cup to look down at the magazine. It was a picture of the Gotham Knights from last season. He didn't recognise any of the players but he'd recognise those colours anywhere.  
'Shall we cut it out?'  
Jason sucked in his bottom lip and shot Tracy an anxious look, before shaking his head.  
'No. It don't count. I'm not a proper fan, not anymore.'

Nodding slowly, Tracy's lips thinned and she sat back on the couch slightly, observing Jason closely.  
'Okay. We'll come back to you. What about Dick? Could you find something to cut out for Dick?'  
Jason didn't seem overly thrilled, but he let out a heavy sigh before picking the magazine up and flipping through it.  
'There! Cereal. Dickie likes cereal!'  
Smiling, Tracy handed over the scissors and Jason began cutting out the bowl of Lucky Charms, sticking it down next to Dick's head with a new enthusiasm.  
In no time at all, half of the A4 paper was covered in an array of pictures and words that Jason thought described his older brother. An acrobat on a trapeze was dead centre next to Dick's smiling head.  
Tracy had to admit it looked stunning.  
'That looks fantastic Jay! There's some really nice things about Dick on here.'  
Jason's cheeks tinged red a little, before he shot her a confused look.  
'Sean said to find good things?'  
'He did you're right. Why is this on here?' Tracy asked softly, pointing out a picture of holding hands. Jason frowned and studied it for a moment, as if he wasn't entirely sure, before shrugging.  
'There wasn't a hugging picture that I liked. Dick hugs people, touches people. He likes doing that.'  
'Physical contact is a good thing?'  
Jason bristled before nodding slowly, fingers playing with the hem of his white tshirt.  
'For Dick, yeah.'

Tracy's brow furrowed slightly in thought, before her gaze travelled to Jason's blank side of the paper.  
'We don't like it when people touch us, do we?'  
Jason didn't respond, instead his fidgeting increased and he closed his eyes, letting out a long calming breath. He was practising his breathing exercises of his own volition and Tracy smiled.  
Sitting back she waited for him to calm himself before continuing.  
'Is that something you'd like to be able to do? To be able to touch people like Dick does?'  
Sniffing, Jason nodded and glanced shyly over at Tracy, before looking back at the picture of holding hands. Without a word he reached out his own hand and the nurse took it without question.  
'I can't.'  
Tracy's lips thinned and she squeezed Jason's hand gently.  
'You can hold my hand, Jason. We worked on it, didn't we? Establishing trust?'  
There was another nod and Tracy continued.  
'If we could work on doing that with other people, what would you like to happen?'  
Jason pulled his hand free and stared at the opposite wall for a moment. Tracy expected to be ignored or for him to say that he would like a relationship, to fall in love.  
Jason reached for the magazine, flipping past a couple of pages he paused at a holiday advert and cut out a picture, sticking it on his side of the page.  
Tracy studied what her patient had chosen with interest.

It wasn't a picture of a couple enjoying a honeymoon or a family holiday. It was a trio of what looked like college students. Two men and a woman lounging on a beach laughing into the sunlight. Ironically the man in the middle had similar features to Jason.  
'Friends.' Jason muttered, noticing the nurse's confusion. 'I want- I'd like to have friends.'  
Teal eyes lit up as he gazed at the picture, almost in a day dream before Jason shook his head and scrubbed a hand down his face.  
'That's just dumb though.'  
'Why's that dumb? It's seems a very valid wish to me?'  
A finger pointed back at the hands on Dick's side of the page.  
'People like Dick. I have bad attitude and don't do hugs. Now I'm a certified nut job to boot. Given the choice? Who'd choose me over him? I hurt people.'  
'Would you like people to hug you?'  
Jason bristled again, shaking his head violently he drew his knees up into his chest.  
'No. Dick, maybe? I, I don't think I'd mind. But only a little and not all over like he does. Actually maybe not-'  
A hand rested on his again and Jason looked up to see Tracy smiling at him softly.  
'Ssh, it's okay. We're just exploring ourselves Jason. This is just a chat yeah?'  
Huffing a breath, Jason nodded before looking at the picture of the three friends again.  
'I don't think me touching people is a good idea, Nurse.'

Tracy blinked at this, Jason never called her 'Nurse' he preferred calling her 'Trace' or 'Tracy,' the change was worrying.  
The young man squeezed his eyes tightly shut and shook his head, before reaching his hands up to pull at his hair.  
'Why Jay? Do you think you'll hurt them?'  
Shaking his head, Jason pointed down to a woman across from the holiday advert. She looked very beautiful and clearly from a Middle Eastern heritage.  
'No.' He croaked, fighting to get the words out that he'd kept buried deep for so long.  
'I thought- I thought after my- death- I was grown up. But I'm not, am I?'  
Lifting his head, Jason looked over at Tracy who just titled her head slightly and rested her hand on top of his. She didn't answer his question, she didn't urge him to carry on, she let the words hang in the air around them. Giving Jason time to work out what he was saying, to untangle the twists and turns to make what he was trying to express make sense to him, never mind anyone else. 

'She was B's girl, it was why she helped me. Why she put me in the pit. I was like some love token for him or a tool for her own revenge? Yeah, summit like that.'  
Jason finally continued, his gaze fixed solely on the magazine, not daring to look anywhere else. 'I thought I was grown up. That- that I could trust myself. I-I thought this time would be different. It wouldn't be like before, she was kind in her way. It felt good when she touched me, but-'  
Breaking off with a strained whine, Jason shook his head, tears plopping down on to his cheeks. Tracy squeezed his hand in reassurance, shushing him gently.  
'You felt good? When this woman touched you? Sexually?'  
Tracy had to be certain that that was what Jason was disclosing to her, she couldn't afford to make the wrong assumption.  
Nodding, Jason sniffed but didn't move to try and hide his tears, Tracy had seen them often enough by now and he'd passed caring god knows how long ago.  
'Yeah. She said her father was gone and I-I wanted her to feel better? I think?'  
Pausing, Jason shook his head and buried his face into his knees. 'I thought I was grown up. That I could do grown up stuff Bruce said I was too young to've done. I wasn't.'  
Taking a deep breath herself, Tracy rested her hand on Jason's shoulder. Despite being a very well seasoned nurse, disclosures like this, Tracy always found hard to stomach.  
'How old were you when that happened Jay?'

Jason shuffled slightly, shaking his head he peered at Tracy over the top of his knees.  
'I dunno. 16? 17? I had stubble? I dunno. I dunno.' He replied his voice high and strained with panic at the realisation that he actually had no idea how old he was.  
'Sssh, deep breaths for me Jay, like Dr Leonard showed you. That's it Jay, good boy.' Tracy soothed, before ducking down to catch his eye. 'Jay you're 18, now.'  
Nodding slowly, Jason frowned, clearly logging that information away.  
'See? Don't even know my age. I can't be trusted. I'm not grown up.'  
There was silence for a moment. Tracy just sat and watched her patient, his words running through her head as she tried to glean the meaning from them. Someone had obviously told him that sex was a grown up thing to do, which in itself was fairly common for a child to be told. Jason clearly though had had sexual encounters before being told this?  
'Jay, Jay can you look at me?'  
Slowly, Jason raised his head again, eyes wet and swimming in confusion and fear, guilt.  
Taking hold of both of his hands Tracy smiled warmly and cocked her head.  
'You are an adult Jason, you're not a child. Do you see a child when you look in the mirror?'  
Tracy watched as Jason thought about this before shaking his head slowly. No, no the young man he saw in the mirror was anything but a child.  
'You're down here in adult services and not upstairs with Abbie in the Juvenile Wing because you are an adult, in your own right. The circumstances of your childhood, your death, it all hindered your development Jason. You are grown up but sometimes you struggle to conduct yourself like one, to think like one and that's because the way you think is much younger than you are. You are an intelligent young adult, Jason. You just struggle with making informed decisions sometimes, to not act on impulse. Sometimes, social situations are difficult for you to understand. Sometimes, you just need a bit of help to make those decisions, to support you socially. That's okay, Jay. That is what we are working on, isn't it?  
Jason blinked before glancing away bashfully. He didn't have to verbalise that he didn't understand what was being said. Why it was relevant to the conversation.

'Jason, before you slept with this woman, were you just holding hands?'  
Jason brow furrowed and he glanced down at his own hand holding Tracy's, before nodding again.  
'She was upset. I dunno how it got from that to that. I held her hand because she was upset.Like you do.'  
Pausing, Jason rand his thumb over the back of Tracy's hand thoughtfully. 'I-I don't think I'll hurt that much when you do. You'll be nice. You're pretty too. I won't mind.'  
Inhaling sharply despite herself, it took all of Tracy's will power not to pull away. Normally she'd step out but Jason wasn't coming on to her. Not really.  
It had been her suspicion for a long time that Jason only accepted physical contact from those he trusted but not only that. He trusted Dick but was wary of him. Jason only let someone touch him if he was prepared for the contact to turn into something more intimate.  
'Jason. Jason look at me again please.' Tracy finally spoke, tone low and authoritative. Swallowing, Jason flicked his gaze up at her and tilted his head slightly in confusion.  
'I'm your nurse, Jason. I will never, ever touch you like that, do you understand me?'  
He didn't. Jason just frowned and looked back down at their hands, trying to workout her motive if sex wasn't on the cards.  
'Later? If I get better?'

'No Jason. Never. Ever. I'm your nurse, Jason. I'm here to help keep you safe and doing that would not be keeping you safe, would it? You said sleeping with me wouldn't hurt that much. I don't think hurting someone at all is keeping them safe, do you?'  
Jason shook his head in agreement at that statement but he still seemed completely bewildered, so Tracy squeezed both his hands.  
'This is not consent for someone to have sexual contact with you Jay. This is me holding your hand because I want to show you that I am here for you. That I like you, but not in that way.'  
'In- in a Dick way?' Jason finally asked, looking up at the nurse, intrigued by what he was being told and trying to work it out. 'Like Bruce? He touched me but said no to - y'know. He said it was because I was his son now.'  
Laughing, Tracy smiled brightly and nodded, even if Bruce using the term 'because he was his son' made her wince at how that could be twisted in Jason's mind.  
'Yes, in a Dick way.'  
Jason's face suddenly broke into a smile of his own and an entire bucket load of tension and anxiety shuddered off his shoulders.  
'I'd like that.'  
The relief in his voice made Tracy's heart ache but she swallowed it down and just smiled back.  
'I'm glad we agree on that, Jay.' 

 

Picking up Jason's paper, she pointed out the picture of the three friends. 'Later, when you are better, I'd like you to send me a picture of your friends. Jay, you are a very special person and I don't doubt that you will find those friends. Ones who'll support you, maybe even someone you can share your first time with.'  
Scoffing, Jason shook his head and looked away in shame, a sad smile replacing the happy one he'd worn moments ago.  
'I just told ya I already slept with a chick, Trace. I ain't exactly virginal with the same sex either.'  
Tracy shook her head and pursed her lips, taking hold of both of Jason's hands again.  
'What you've just told me was not consensual, Jason. At the moment, I do not think you have the capacity to fully consent to sex and would advise against it. You most definitely didn't back then. I'm talking about a relationship that is built on trust Jason. To engage in sexual activity with someone knowing what's happening, that it is what you want. After consensual sex Jay, you tend to feel languid, warm, good. I don't think you've ever experienced that have you?'  
Jason looked very much like Harvey Dent did when Joker smashed him headlong into the rec room wall. Taking a long, deep breath he shook his head timidly and frowned down at Tracy's hands again.  
'That's the first time I'm talking about, Sweetie.'  
'I don't understand.' Jason croaked through tears. 'That isn't real. That's what's in books? I don't understand you?'  
'I know, that's okay Jay. You don't have to understand it today, but you will, I promise. Let's back track a bit to friends yeah?'

Wiping at the tears on his cheeks, Jason didn't seem overly pleased at leaving something he didn't understand, the Bat training in him urging him to make sense of it.  
'Jay, you can't understand if you don't understand what friendship means. They go together.'  
'Friends and sex go together?'  
'Yes but not like you're thinking Jason. Remember what I said about someone holding your hand doesn't give them consent to have sex with you?' Tracy reaffirmed, cursing herself for such a rookie mistake. 'Do you still want to watch the game with Stu?'  
Jason nodded and glanced over at the door.  
'Good. Right, so what did I say about holding hands?'  
'It' Coughing slightly, Jason blushed and looked back over at Tracy. 'It don't mean sex. That someone cares for me or I care for them but not sex. Like Dick and Bruce - and you.'  
Smiling, Tracy nodded and gave him a thumbs up, chuckling slightly when Jason preened beneath the praise.  
'How would you feel about holding Stu's hand when he comes back?'  
Jason tensed so sharply and suddenly he seemed to sit bolt upright, his chest heaving as a fresh wave of anxiety rocketed through him.  
'No. No he's a man.'

Nodding, Tracy's brow furrowed a little, reaching out she rested a hand on Jason's bicep comfortingly.  
'I know. He won't hurt you Jay. He just wants to help you like I do. Remember what we said about holding hands meaning that someone cares about you? You haven't told me but am I right in assuming the woman wasn't the first person to have sex with you? There were others, mainly older men?'  
Swallowing, Jason didn't respond he just glanced at the door again before sucking on his bottom lip anxiously.  
'It's okay. You don't have to tell me today if you don't want to.'  
'I don't want to. It's a secret.'  
Nodding, Tracy tried to hide the intrigue from her expression. It looked like Jason and Bruce's secret was centred around child sexual exploitation.  
'Okay. Well, Stu isn't like those men is he?'  
Jason sucked on his lip again, clearly thinking about this before whispering very quietly  
'I don't know.'

After this morning, Tracy was starting to wonder if a lot of Jason's paranoia and delusions were really just him trying to work out those around him? Trying to figure out who would hurt him and who wouldn't and finding it difficult, so he just went with everyone being out to hurt him because that meant he was safer.  
'Hmm, okay. Well, how about this? If Stu or anyone else here tries to hurt you or does something that makes you feel bad, like before, you tell me? Then we can keep you safe.'  
Jason's eyebrows quirked at this before he nodded slowly and looked back at his paper.  
'I-I think we should stick the Knights on my paper after all.'  
Smiling at Jason's attempt at distracting away from the conversation, Tracy nodded and found the picture for him again.  
He had explored a very painful and confusing topic, so Tracy decided to let him distract himself with the activity.  
This time he was more inclined to let Tracy make suggestions and help him think of things that might go on his side of the paper.  
Gotham Knights, books, Lapsang tea, motorbikes, chilli dogs amongst many other things that described Jason positively. Tracy was surprised when he chose a guitar, she had no idea that he could even play until he winked at her and stuck the picture down.

The last picture he stuck down to complete his collage had Tracy swallowing down a knot of tears.  
He'd found another Wayne article and had cut out Dick again and stuck it down next to the section of the paper he'd dubbed his 'wishes'. Dick was stuck down right next to the picture of Jason's future friends.  
'I stuck Dick down back in the dining room because he is a good thing about me. He's a pain in the ass but he's my brother. He always wanted to help me, when no one else would. Even when I hurt Tim, he reached out his hand to me, said he'd help me. I'd like him to be my friend too.'  
For the first time Tracy found it hard not to tell all to Jason. To tell him all about how hard Dick was working with her to get him out of Arkham and back home. That Dick was even working on his own mental health so he'd be able to have his brother at home. That right now as they were speaking, Dick was secretly decorating a bedroom in the penthouse for him.  
'Jay?'  
'Yeah Trace? What is it? Did I say summit wrong?' Jason asked, lips turning down in concern but the nurse just shook her head and tapped his hand.  
'No, no nothing is wrong Jason. I-' Glancing down at the collage, Tracy smiled and motioned towards it. 'You've done a real good job, Jay.I was just thinking about Dick is all.'  
'Dick?' Looking back down at his brother's side of the paper, Jason frowned in confusion. He thought the nurse liked what he'd chosen for his brother?

'Yes, I think you should tell him about Talia. Just consider it okay?'  
Jason didn't like the sound of that idea but he nodded anyway and looked back down at his pictures.  
'You knew I was talking about Talia? You know who she is?'  
'Yes. Dick gave me some files on the Lazarus pit. Tim might be sending me some footage, not of you, of Ras, using it.'  
Shaking his head, Jason looked up at Tracy desperately.  
'Please don't watch it. If you watch it you won't like me no more!'  
Frowning, Tracy tilted her head and rested her arms on her knees thoughtfully.  
'Why would I not like you Jay?'  
'Because, because you'll see. You'll see what the Pit made me become.'  
Jason muttered fearfully, reaching out to grasp the nurse's hand tightly.  
'Please Tracy, please don't. I like you and I can't lose you too!'  
Breaking down into wretched sobs, muttering the word 'please' over and over again, Jason didn't struggle when Tracy wrapped an arm around him.  
'Okay, alright. I won't look. Alright, deep breaths now, Jay. That's it. Good boy. You're okay, I got you.'

After a tense lunch, Jason had calmed down again and was curled up dozing on the couch, while Tracy read from one of the books. Despite Jason now being actively encouraged during meal times she had allowed him to only have half a sandwich and a glass of juice. It had been an emotional morning and it was hardly surprising that the boy's appetite had dwindled.  
There was a small knock on the door and Stu walked in, his gaze immediately going to the finished collage.  
'That's amazing, Jay! Good job!'  
'Erm, thanks.' Jason slurred groggily, rubbing his eyes as he sat up. 'It time to watch the game now?'  
Nodding, Stu clocked the almost tranquillised mannerisms and sat down next to Jason with a gentle smile.  
'Have we had some medication Jay?'  
'No? Why? I'm calm! Tell him Trace!' Jason protested, mistaking the question to mean that the nurse wanted to give him medication.  
Chuckling, Tracy waved the book at Stu, whose eyes widened in understanding.  
'Ah, we've been reading. Tracy has a real calming voice doesn't she Jay?'  
Nodding, Jason yawned and rubbed his eyes again looking from one nurse to the other.  
'Damn right. Like a freaking hypnotist she is! Bet she'd even get the old Batman to go t'sleep and trust me, he don't go down easy.'  
Tracy rolled her eyes and placed the book back down on the coffee table.  
'Hmm well, people in glasshouses spring to mind Jay.'  
Sticking his tongue out at her Jason turned away and picked up his finished collage to look at it again.

'Come on then Jay, shall we go catch the game?' Stu offered with a smile. Swallowing, Jason glanced down at his completed collage, studying the picture of the Gotham Knights before nodding hesitantly. Without a word he stood up and began walking towards the door, waiting patiently next to it for Stu.  
He cast a nervous glance over at Tracy. It was okay, it was just a hand, it didn't mean sex.  
Just as Stu opened the door, Jason's hand twitched, catching the nurse's eye. Painfully slowly, Jason reached out a trembling hand towards Stu, his gaze glued on the floor as if he'd never seen it before.  
Stu coughed slightly to try and mask his surprise, before taking Jason's hand with a bright smile, glancing over at Tracy, who just shrugged.  
'Right, game time yeah? Shall we see if there are any cookies in the kitchen we can snag Jay?'  
Stu carried on as if nothing momentous had happened and Jason lifted his gaze, a small smile tugging at his lips.  
'I like cookies.'  
Laughing, Stu squeezed the young man's hand and started guiding them out of the quiet room to a couch in the rec room, quite a few inmates already gathering for the the baseball game.  
'Trust me Jay, we know.'

Jason gelled in with the rest of the staff and inmates watching the baseball game easily. Lifting her eyes from her notes, Tracy watched as Jason stood up with Stu, cheering at a home run or however they won things in baseball. She never really payed attention. She did pay attention though to how bright Jason's smile was, shoulders relaxed and free from agitation or anxiety.  
He had taken hold of Stu's hand again, and was more than happy for the nurse to raise it in the air in a show of victory. When Edward grinned and took hold of his other hand, Jason bristled. Lowering her pen, Tracy prepared to get up and intervene.  
Jason frowned at the hand before looking at Stu for reassurance.  
Noticing Jason's problem, Stu just smiled and shook the hand he was holding to emphasise what Edward was trying to do. Jason's frown deepened and he looked back over at Edward, eyes flicking back over to the game, before he raised Edward's hand too and began cheering again.  
Smiling Tracy chuckled to herself at the shock on Nigma's face before he smiled and joined in on the cheering.  
If they got any louder the warden was going to be down here looking for the riot. Letting her eyes roam around her colleagues and patients all cheering and jumping around like buffoons, Tracy decided today was a good day to be a nurse.


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes, it isn't the initiating trauma that causes the pain, but the lack of support thereafter.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another triggery chapter?
> 
> The next one is less so if people would prefer to skip again and catch up next time?

It was 7.30 in the morning and Tracy was sitting through handover trying to stay awake while she sipped her coffee. Others liked to find a chair or perch on the desk, but Tracy quite liked sitting on the floor in the corner with her back pressed up against the wall.  
'So, who's on Jay this morning?' Sian asked, eyes scanning the day staff for a volunteer until the daily rota was sorted.  
Tracy raised a hand and took a gulp of coffee.  
'That would be me.'  
'Aren't you on ECT as well?'  
Giving a very forced, tired smile,Tracy raised her coffee in a mock toast.  
'Hmm, I just know how to have fun. Eh, it's my last shift for a few days, I'm good.'  
Rolling her eyes, Sian turned to the board and reeled off Jason's information.   
Admission date. Legal status. Observation level. Nothing had changed and Tracy pretty much zoned it out, pen poised by Jay's number to take notes.   
'So, Jay, well, we've been, odd.'  
'Odd?' Lifting her eyes, Tracy watched Sian shrug her mouth in affirmation.  
'Yup, that's my professional term for it. Odd. He ate supper, no issues. Usual song and dance with medication but he eventually took them off me, except his night sedation. Very pleasant on approach, quite content to sit in the rec room with everyone and off he toddled to bed at lights out.' Sian reported and Tracy frowned. 'Then, well, Jay only fell asleep at 4.30. Staff on multiple occasions re-offered his medication, milky drinks, the usual but he refused them. He spent the night either lying on the bed staring at the ceiling or writing at his desk.' Sian paused and gave a conflicted look at the handover board. 'Whatever he was writing was very important and Jay was very preoccupied by it, but wouldn't let staff see what he was writing. I suppose, we could have taken it but then Jay would have gotten upset, and after yesterday's disclosure? I preferred for him to have a settled night. I filed the safeguarding report for you Trace and had a chat with Jay about it, so that's all done.'  
The day staff blinked back at Sian in bemusement and Cash grumbled 'Yay, sleep deprived loonies. My favourite' from where he was slouched against the door with the other guards. He soon shut up when Stu glared at him from by the filing cabinet.

After a quick walk around the wing to see who was doing what and where, Tracy drew up the daily rota before making her way over to Jason's cell.   
Opening the door to the cells, she was quite surprised to see Jason slipping out of his. Normally, on an ECT day Jason was reluctant to get up. The smell of breakfast made his stomach grumble but he couldn't even have a drink of water. Jason was not a happy bunny on an ECT day and usually confined himself to his cell until Dick showed up and turfed him out by singing outside his door. A task the elder boy seemed to revel in.  
Unless of course, something had happened. Something beyond Jason's control. Something that rarely happened but every time it did, Jason would rather die again than accept it.  
'If I hadn't been the one who got you into pyjamas, I'd have assumed you to have stayed up all night in your clothes.'   
Jason jumped out of his skin, almost crashing back into his cell door before spinning around with a clenched fist raised.  
'Woah, Jay it's just me. Sorry, I thought you'd seen me?' Tracy said, raising her hands to show she meant no harm.Jason shook his head slowly and lifted his gaze to meet hers. 'You're up early? Is everything alright, Jay?'   
Jason looked down again and shuffled about on the spot, his breaths coming in short and sharp.   
'I-I erm. The bed. I- you might need to change it. Again.'

Deciding to take control of the situation, Tracy took hold of his hand and lead him to the semicircular seats just outside the two cells where Jason's was situated. Sitting down, she pulled him down to join her.  
'I'll change the sheets. It's okay Jay, these things happen. Yesterday was -'  
'Hard.' Jason finished for her, his gaze focused on his plimsoles. ' My head was too loud to sleep. I didn't take my sleeping pills, hopin' it won't happen, but I still, y'know.'  
Nodding, Tracy smiled warmly and squeezed Jason's hand with a soft hum.  
'Yes, I know. Jay, remember what we said hmm? You're embarrassed but this will get better, in time. You're not alone, it's actually quite common.'  
'S'pose.' Jason mumbled, his breathing still sharp and tight, his cheeks almost a bright pink. 'I-I did some writing.'  
'Oh?' 

Tracy mirrored Jason's body language and waited. Surprised that he was telling her about his night time activity without prompting.  
'Yeah.'   
Jason smacked his lips together and foraged around in the waist band of his uniform.  
'It was hard. I-I'   
Giving a frustrated growl, he just shook his head when the words wouldn't come out and he pulled out a a couple of sheets of paper.  
'Dr Leland said, writing down stuff was a good thing to do. I can't - I can't get the words out Trace. They are there in my head and sometimes I just wanna scream, but they won't come out. Not ever. So, I tried to write it down instead.'  
Handing over the papers with trembling hands, Jason looked at Tracy dead in the eye.  
'I'm giving you my secret. My- my own story I s'pose.'   
Tracy swallowed and looked down at Jason's writing. It wasn't the rushed scrawl he usually wrote in. The handwriting was neat, letters well formed, joined up and equal in size. It was the handwriting of a calligrapher and suited Jason more than the scrawl did. Jason hadn't rushed this. Every word written on the paper was meant to be there, purposely written down.  
'I don't want anyone else to read it.' Jason almost whispered, eyes shining with held back tears.  
Nodding, Tracy carefully folded the paper up and placed it safely in her uniform pocket.  
'Okay. Jay, you know the rules about secrets. I-'  
'Only if it don't hurt me or someone else. You guys said it yesterday about Talia, I get ya. It's 'kay. B sorted it out.'   
Pausing, he watched the nurse blink at him and shrugged a shoulder.  
'I know you mean well. Sian came by and told me about what all this safeguarding stuff will mean but Trace? You can't stop Talia doing exactly what she wants. If she wants to see me she will. So please, trust me when I say B sorted it? He kept me safe.' Jason said matter of factly, 'Can I have a cuppa tea?'  
'No, Jay.' Tracy chided, laughing at the knowing smirk he flung her way.

Dick showed up right on time, and like Tracy, was surprised to see Jason out of his cell.  
It wasn't that he didn't want to see his brother, but Tracy noticed an odd tension around Jason that wasn't usually there. She supposed it could have been embarrassment from this morning and dismissed it. The brothers had both become more relaxed as each ECT day went by. Every Monday and Thursday they did the same thing, right down to Dick bringing Jason chocolate moose afterwards. Dick also could never be persuaded to leave his brother, always keeping the promise he made on that very first day. He was there during the treatment and he was by Jason's bedside whilst he slept afterwards. Unbeknownst to either sibling, this continuity was slowly rebuilding the trusting relationship both were wary of.  
Today, Dick looked over at Tracy and smiled sheepishly at her.  
'Can- later, can you read this? I- I dunno what to put.'  
Frowning, Tracy took the brown envelope and sighed in relief to find paperwork for the board meeting and not a disclosure. Glancing down at Jason sleeping soundly, her heart pounded inside her chest.  
'Nurse?'  
'Yes.' Tracy said, turning her head sharply towards Dick. 'Yes of course. I'll look over it and we can discuss it when we get back.'  
Smiling, Dick nodded and settled back in his chair, eyes back on his brother who was beginning to come back around from the anaesthetic.  
The first coherent words that came out of Jason's mouth made both his brother and the nurse chuckle, forgetting their separate stresses.  
'Where's my chocolate moose?'

Ever since getting back to high security, Dick and Tracy had been trying to hold a conversation with little success. Sian had said Jason was preoccupied, apparently he still was and was very insistent that he spoke with his brother.  
So far there had been requests for cups of tea, checking the time, tittle tattling on other inmates, requests for Dick to play chess, death threats aimed at Dick and other mildly disruptive behaviour.  
Tracy hadn't even qualified when she had grown a sense of resilience to such things but Dick? Oh Dick was still learning how to interact with his brother.  
'Oy Dickface!'  
Spinning around in his chair, Dick glared at his brother stood by the nurses station and pointed out towards the rec room.  
'For the last time Little Wing, I will come and see you in a minute. I have things to discuss with the nurse.'  
Jason scrunched up his nose and narrowed his eyes in suspicion.  
'What things?'  
'Things that don't concern you.'  
'What. Things!' Jason demanded, hackles rising at being shut out and not being told what Dick was writing down.   
Tracy sighed and took a deep breath before smiling, hoping to rectify the bad mood Dick had unwittingly sent his brother careering towards.

'The budget Jay. Dick is going to the board meeting tomorrow and I am helping him with the budget. Telling him the things we need. Can you think of anything?'  
'Blackcurrant squash.' Jason replied with a curt nod, looking over expectantly for Dick to write it down.   
'I said, blackcurrant squash!'  
Sighing, Dick pinched the bridge of his nose.  
'Little Wing, please just go and sit down.You already have squash! I've seen the bottles in the kitchen.'  
Pouting, Jason folded his arms and looked over at Tracy, who oh so helpfully, smiled and shrugged.  
'That list is a budget for the things we need. We need blackcurrant squash. There's only ever orange or lemon. No one likes lemon so that might as well be replaced with blackcurrant. If it is more expensive than lemon, then order less orange. People want blackcurrant more.'  
'Jay, light of my life, you are trying my patience. Go and sit down. I don't want to hear another word from you unless someone is dead okay?' Dick spat out trough gritted teeth.  
Tracy's eyes widened to the sound of saucers and she sprung to life, dashing out of the nurses station to block Jason's path to the other inmates.  
'No Jay. Dick didn't mean it. Did you Dick?'  
'Nigma looks like he's got a death wish!' Jason smirked, levelling Edward with a threatening stare. Gulping, Edward ducked down behind his crossword.  
'Oh come on! What did I do?'  
'How about I point out what you didn't do, Nigma? The list would be shorter!'

'Jay! Just come sit by me, okay?'  
Jason grinned impishly and looked from the chair Dick had pushed out to Tracy who just looked so done.  
'Dickie can come again! This is so much fun'  
'Fun' Tracy muttered. 'Trust me Jay, I do not get paid enough to handle all of this 'fun.''  
Jason sat down on the office chair and wheeled himself closer to Dick, placing his chin on his shoulder. Dick not realising it was exactly the reaction his brother was wanting, bristled in annoyance.  
'What do you want Jay?'  
'I want to help so you can finish and talk to me.'  
'Help? How exactly are you going to help me?'  
Jason didn't answer, he merely snatched the papers Dick was studying and rolled away with them. Leading Dick on a merry dance around the room as his brother gave chase. The rest of the inmates sat back and grinned. This show was better than anything on the TV, who knew that the Red Hood could be so entertaining.

Rolling back up to the nurses station, Jason winked at Tracy who looked less than impressed before Dick charged up behind him and snatched his paperwork back.  
'Enough, Jay!'  
Jason pouted.  
'I was just messing with ya!'  
'Yeah, well, this is serious Jay. This is grown up stuff, we can't mess about with it. We'll play chess or something in a minute, I promise.' Dick replied with a patronising tone of voice that had Tracy reaching for her attack alarm.  
Jason narrowed his eyes, shoulders tensing, hands clenching and unclenching as his anger rose.  
'I.am.not.five. Grayson!'   
Dragging a breath through clenched teeth, Jason wiped at his eyes and motioned violently towards the paperwork.   
'Fine, do your 'important sane people stuff.' I'll just sit my stupid, crazy ass down over there with the other crazies and not point out your big fuck up.'  
With that, Jason stropped off and sat down with the other inmates, picking up a random book off the shelf and beginning to read.  
Dick sighed in relief and went back to work, thankful that his brother seemed to have gotten the message.  
Tracy on the other hand looked far from pleased.  
'I can't believe you spoke to him like that. Jay is an adult, Dick. He is more than capable of helping-'  
'I'm sure he is very clever, but I got to get this to balance. I'll go apologise in a minute.' Dick groaned, starting to feel a little guilty for making Jason feel like he was stupid. Bruce had always spoken about how intelligent Jason had been. That was before he took a crowbar to the head though.

Ten minutes later, Dick was still stuck and Tracy had refused to help after he'd snapped at Jason. Sighing, he looked up to see Jason still sat quietly, reading.  
'Balls.' Dick muttered under his breath, collecting his paperwork, he walked over to his brother sheepishly.  
'I don't think you're stupid Jay.'  
Jason merely turned a page and ignored him.  
Sighing, Dick sat down next to him and tried to catch his eye.  
'I'm sorry?'  
Jason continued to ignore him and Dick wanted to cry. One stupid, idiotic moment and he had gone right back to square one.  
'Please Little Wing, I'm sorry. I know I say that a lot but I truly am. I'm just stressed. I can't do business stuff to save my life, but I shouldn't have taken my frustration out on you, that wasn't fair and I'm sorry.'  
Jason remained silent and Dick thought him to still be ignoring him.  
'Second row, fourth down. You miscalculated. 24x27 is 648 not 684.' Jason mumbled, eyes not leaving his book.  
Dick swallowed and looked back down at his working out, a new finger pointed out the mistake.  
'Right there, Boy Wonder is right Bird Brain.' Nigma chimed in, before glancing over the rest of the budget. 'Also, he is right about the blackcurrant. You could easily afford it if you got rid of the lemon, but I'm a stupid crazy person.'  
Dick inwardly groaned and sunk further into the chair, ignoring how being called 'Bird Brain' gave him chills. The inmates knew Jason was the fallen Robin but him? He was meant to just be Mr Grayson.  
'I'm sorry Edward. I didn't mean it.'  
Snorting, Edward moved away again when Jason shot him a look from around his book, not wanting to awaken the Kraken.

'How did you do that? Work out my mistake?' Dick asked, watching his little brother lower the book with a weary sigh.  
'Worked it out whilst scooting around on the chair.'  
Dick blinked and cast a look towards Tracy who just smiled, before gaping at his brother who was looking back at him.  
'What? What I done now Goldie?'  
'You, you worked that out? Without a calculator? Whilst racing around the rec room?'  
Shrugging his mouth, Jason shot his brother a look of distrust before getting up and making to walk away.  
'Yeah. My head hurts. You can go now.'  
Dick was up and out of the chair in seconds, grabbing hold of Jason's hand, even though he obviously didn't want him to.  
'No, Little Wing please? I'm sorry. I could really use your help!'  
Jason swallowed before shaking his head, sucking in his bottom lip to ward off tears.  
'I can't help you.' Jason mumbled, moving to pull his hand free but Dick just increased his grip.  
'You mean it. Don't you? You think you can't do this.'  
Dick watched as Jason's chin wobbled and he pulled harder at the grip on his hand, desperate to get away.  
'Let go dickhead!'  
Suddenly, Dick realised what he had done. He hadn't just hurt Jason's feelings by his thoughtlessness. He had reaffirmed a belief in Jason's head, a belief that he wasn't smart enough, wasn't good enough.   
'Dickhead!'  
'Yeah, yeah I am a dickhead. Please Jay, what I said? It ain't true. You're so incredibly smart.' Dick pleaded, watching his brother shake his head and turn away.

Before the pair could talk any more, a burst of laughter rang out and what was left of Jason's good mood shattered with a very physical shudder.  
Finally tugging his hand free, Jason pushed himself away from his brother, frantically trying to gain distance, to find somewhere to hide so no one would see. Sinking to the floor, he placed his hands over his ears and screamed.  
Tracy was over in seconds, hands holding on to Jason's, voice calm and soothing as she spoke to the him. Dick just stood and stared.  
'Are you just going to stand there Bird Brain?'   
Swallowing, Dick looked over at Edward, who was stood with Johnathan, both frowning and not looking overly fond of him. Jason cried out again, kicking his legs out in terror when the Joker re-started his laughing.  
Dick shook his head and looked up at Edward with watery eyes.  
'I don't know what to do?'  
Edward blinked a couple of times before storming off towards his cell.  
'Stupid boy.' He spat over his shoulder.  
Well, that stung. Inhaling sharply, Dick shot a look back over at Jason before turning to leave.   
'I thought you were learning, Boy. Go ahead, run back to your trust fund. Don't you come back if you do.'   
Frowning, Dick turned to see that Johnathan was still invested in the situation, eyes flitting from Jason to him like they were one of his experiments.  
'Is that a threat Crane?' Dick asked, loud enough for the nearby guards to hear.  
Johnathan smiled slow and slyly before quirking an eyebrow.  
'Well, I suppose it depends entirely on how you take it, doesn't it?' Grey, menacing eyes peeled away from Dick to study Jason again.

'Fear is but a temporary experience child, but regrets last forever.'   
Pursing his lips, the psychologist observed Red Hood's cries of terror one final time before meandering off back to the rec room. Other inmates had cleared off to their cells until the situation past, but Crane found the screams of little concern to him.  
'Oxytocin is commonly known as the 'love hormone'. Among many uses, Oxytocin can evoke the feeling of contentment, helping to calm the subject, reducing anxiety and fear, lowering Cortisol levels. Dopamine, the pleasure hormone, which such drugs like cocaine target and-'  
'What is your point, Crane?' Dick spat, making to storm off towards the exit.  
'My point, is that research shows that hugging releases these hormones. Isn't that just fascinating? The mind is such a wonderful enigma.'  
Dick stopped and blinked.  
The ex-professor's face stretched into a grin, before he was settling down in his chair with a medical journal he probably wasn't allowed.  
Crane was helping him. Sure, his explanation was void of any emotion, but he was trying to help another person. Never, ever had Dick seen the man act so selflessly.  
The message was clear. Don't be a dickhead and go and hug your brother you fool!

Swallowing dryly, Dick looked over at his little brother, who was so distressed he wasn't even crying. The walk back to Jason seemed to take hours compared to when he had turned to leave. Frowning, Dick tried to remember when the last time he had hugged Jason was? For a moment he couldn't recall until the memory popped into his head. It had been before he'd gone off world, before Jason had been murdered. He'd given his kid brother a brief squeeze, before ruffling his hair and promising to be back soon.   
Dick couldn't fix on the moment when he'd dropped to his knees, or when Tracy had moved out of the way. One minute he was walking towards his hurting brother, the next his arms were wrapping around broad shoulders, his face burying into hair that smelt of cheap mint shampoo. He felt the warmth of Jason's body against his, the shudders of each tortured breath, a surprised gasp that was so very Jason.  
'Shh, sssh easy. It's me. It's Dickiebird, Little Wing.' Dick muttered, feeling Jason tense, hands moving to grip his shirt tightly. 'I'm here now. I've come back for you, Little Wing. Just like I promised.'  
Tears welled in his eyes and truth be told, Dick had no idea what he was saying but for once, it seemed to be the right thing.  
'D-Dickie?' Jason managed to force out between frantic breaths, turning to bury his face in the crook of his brother's neck. 'You're - huggin' -me.'  
'Shut up you Moron. Of course I am.'

A few moments later, Dick helped Tracy get Jason up onto his feet and move him to the privacy of the quiet room. It would have been easier if his little brother hadn't decided to attach himself to him like a limpet, apparently right now, was a good time to cash in on those hug less years. In the end, he did an awkward waltz with his sobbing brother, while Tracy moved to open the door.  
Sitting down on the couch, Dick glanced down at his brother and ran his fingers through wavy hair.  
'I'm sorry Jason, I'm so, so sorry.' He mumbled, closing his eyes when he felt his brother tighten his grip on him with a shuddering breath.  
'N-no. My fault. Me. Gotta tell.' Jason replied, his voice muffled by Dick's shirt and Dick frowned down at his brother before glancing up at Tracy. 'You've got to tell who what?'  
'You.' Was Jason's response before he started sobbing again. 'I-I can't.'  
Tightening his grip on his distraught brother, Dick found himself rocking gently, like Bruce had done when he was a kid and was upset.  
'It's okay. You don't have to tell me if you-'  
'No! Don't say that! You say that and I won't. I gotta. Been thinking all day.'  
Nodding along, Dick closed his eyes again and dipped his chin to kiss the top of Jason's head. Jason had been winding himself up about this all day and hadn't told anyone, not even Tracy. No wonder he had had a complete meltdown.  
'Jay, it's okay. Take a deep breath for me? Dick doesn't have to go when visiting ends okay? Take all the time you need.' Tracy butted in, crouching down to take the hand Jason reached out towards her. 'You've done so well. Look, you're hugging Dick, just like you wanted.'

Sniffling quietly to himself, Jason nodded before pulling out of Dick's grasp and scooting over to curl up in the other corner of the couch.  
'No more hugs.'  
Bursting out laughing, Dick slapped a hand over his mouth and composed himself.  
'Yeah, okay Little Wing. No more hugs.'  
Jason narrowed his eyes at Dick warily before giving a brief nod and glancing over at Tracy.  
'Will you stay?'  
Tracy nodded and straightened up to perch on the coffee table to prove it.  
'Okay, and you'll make him leave? If he gets too mad at me?'  
'Jay why in the world would I be mad at you?' Dick asked, completely dumb founded.  
'I've done a bad thing.' Jason replied, hands fisting in his lap, he refused to look over at Dick.  
'Um.' Dick frowned and pursed his lips. He wasn't entirely sure how to reply to that one. Telling his brother that he would have to narrow it down, seemed more provoking than comforting.  
'Okay, um, well, I'm here aren't I? I know you've done bad things Jay. Non of that matters, well, it does matter but, you're my brother. I love you anyway?' Dick replied, his brow furrowed with uncertainty.   
Jason nodded along at this and stared at the opposite wall, Dick thought him to be ignoring him.  
'IsleptwithTalia.'  
'Huh?' Dick frowned and tried to make sense of the jumbled speech that spilled from Jason's lips at a million miles an hour. 'Little Wing, you're talking way too fast. Slow down and try again.'  
'T-Talia.' Jason forced out, eyes squeezed tightly shut. 'We- I- didn't know well, I did know. I know what, what sex is.'

Dick blinked and shook his head in disbelief.  
'Talia? As in Talia, Talia?'  
'No. The other one.' Jason spat back, and it took a moment for Dick to pick up on the sarcasm.  
Another moment for the words to sink in and he dragged a hand down his face and groaned.  
'You slept with Talia al Ghul! Jason, why the hell did you think that was a good idea?'  
'I didn't.' Jason muttered his protest, hands frantically trying to hide the tears from his brother. 'She held my hand, she was upset.'  
Once he'd started, Jason just kept going, kept talking about what had happened that night, terrified that if he stopped he'd never speak of it again.  
Tracy straightened up and pursed her lips thoughtfully as she observed the conversation. It wasn't her patient that caught her attention but Dick. It was obvious that such a taboo subject would be uncomfortable and upsetting to hear from a loved one, but this was different.  
Despite his best efforts to keep a neutral expression, there was a very raw pain in Dick's eyes, his respiration rate had picked up and the way the young man gripped the armrest, it was as if he was forcing himself to stay in the room.

'I'm sorry Dick. I'm - I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to. Please, please believe me.'  
Yelping in surprise, Jason tried to pull back when Dick grabbed hold of his wrists and pulled him forwards, his grip tight enough to bruise.  
'Don't you ever do that again!' Dick snarled, and Jason couldn't help but whimper, which then turned into a squeal of terror when he tried to pull away.   
'I don't want to hear you blame yourself for what she did. Do you understand me Jason? I said, do you understand me!' Dick yelled, blind to his brother's distress.  
'Dick, Dick let him go!' Tracy interjected, moving to try and pry Dick's hands from around Jason's wrists. 'Dick you're hurting Jason. Let go right now or I'm calling the guards and you'll have to leave!'  
Blinking, the pain in Dick's eyes fizzled out a little and he gaped down in horror at his brother's tear stained face. Letting go sharply as if Jason had become molten lava, it was his turn to whine in anguish.  
'Oh fuck, Jay, Little Wing! Oh God I'm so sorry. I'm sorry, I'm not angry at you, Jay. Please, I'm sorry.'   
'It-it's okay.' Jason replied breathily, hands firmly in his lap. His words didn't make Dick feel better though and his brother let out a hitched sob before hastily wiping at his eyes. Jason frowned and looked at Tracy, wanting an explanation as to why his brother was so upset. Tracy just offered him a reassuring smile which wasn't overly helpful.

'Dickie?' Jason turned back to his brother and scooted closer, timidly reaching out to cup his cheek, forcing his brother to look at him. The look in Dick's eyes wasn't of horror, anger or revulsion aimed at him. It was a look Jason was very familiar seeing being reflected back at him in the mirror every morning. 'Dickiebird? Are- are you okay?'  
Seeing the familiar emotion in his brother confused Jason more, so he grew more insistent. Clutching Dick's shirt, he practically climbed on top of him to look into those blue eyes harder.   
'Jay, sit back. You're getting too close and Dick doesn't like it.' Tracy prompted and Jason pulled away with a very confused shake of his head. Why didn't Dick like it?   
'Do, do you hate me now? Dickie? Please, please just, just say summit. Anything.'  
'I've got to go.' Dick finally answered, reaching out to squeeze Jason's hand with a gentle smile. 'Not because of you Jay. Never you. Thank you for telling me. For being brave.'  
He knew kissing Jason's cheek would be too much, so instead he pressed the hand in his to his lips.  
'You're so very brave Little Wing. Braver than me. I love you.'  
Without another word, Dick was up and leaving the room and a very bemused Jason behind him.  
'Go after him, Trace.' Jason mumbled, looking from the hand his brother kissed to the nurse. 'Don't think me so dumb that I don't know he's seeing you on the outside. Go Trace, make sure he's safe. I'm fine, go!'  
Nodding, Tracy followed after Dick, calling out for Stu to watch Jay as she ran.

Tracy found Dick outside in the parking lot, cursing as he tried to put his key in the lock of his car with trembling hands.  
'Dick?'  
Freezing, Dick turned to look back at the nurse, tears now running freely down his cheeks.  
'Not now Nurse. Okay, just, not now.'  
'What was that in there, Dick?' Tracy carried on regardless, stepping closer she is placed a hand against Dick's car door.  
Huffing a shaky breath, Dick wiped at his tears and finally managed to shove his car key into the lock.  
'I'm not your patient, Nurse. Move away from the car and leave me alone.'  
'You sure as hell are acting like one!' Tracy shot back, knowing the best way to get the eldest Robin to crack and talk was to take a hard, tough love approach. 'Was it Talia?'  
'No!' Dick yelled back, before blinking in shock at his own admission. Shaking his head, he growled in frustration when Tracy wouldn't moved her hand and stormed over to the passenger side. 'Just leave it alone, Nurse. You have no idea. Secrets are secrets for a reason, why do you think I never tried to find out what Jason's secret was? Sometimes to move on-'  
'How exactly are you moving on? If you won't talk about it? Let -'  
'Because sometimes things are better left buried in the pit where you throw them. Maybe I won't talk about it because I can't feel that? I have important work to do. Exposing a secret can change someone's entire world, something I don't think you realise. Even you have secrets you'd rather be left unexposed.'  
With that, Dick got in his car and drove off. Not caring or even hearing what Tracy's reply even was.

One hour and a bottle of bourbon later, Dick lifted his head and peered around the almost deserted bar he'd found himself in. He'd promised Tracy he'd stay sober, he knew the antidepressants he was now on advised drinking only in moderation, but he didn't care. The blurry memory of that night on a very lonely rooftop only faded if he drowned it. The more of that time he drowned the better.  
This time though, Jason and Talia danced through his mind too. How brave his little brother had been to tell him the truth, to tell anyone. Something he admired Jason for being able to do but never the less, a sour sting of jealousy was an undercurrent beneath it.   
His brother was ill, he shouldn't be able to do things he could not. What did that make him?  
Taking another swig, Dick dug out his phone looking for someone but not really knowing who until he found them.  
Roy.  
Roy was out of rehab, or at least he had been last time Dick had tried to look him up. Another swig and he connected the call and listened to the rings.  
'Roy? It's- it's me. I'm drunk and, and I know you're mad at me but I gotta-' Cutting himself off, Dick let out a small sob and drank deeply from his bottle of bourbon.  
'When, you remember C-Catalina right? I- she-'  
Sighing heavily, Dick shook his head and hung up. Back then he had chosen to remain silent, but now? When finally, he'd decided to maybe try to talk?   
The answerphone was the only one there to listen.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'Silence isn't empty, it is full of answers.'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Same trigger warnings I guess? It's a big subject to deal with and I don't like the idea of writing one chapter and letting it be.
> 
> So, this is the beginning of the end of this story!
> 
> There's still a few more chapters to go but I can see the foundations to the end point being set and it's bittersweet.  
> I've loved writing this so much.

Jason picked at his dinner. With all the encouragement in the world, it was impossible to get him to eat more than a few mouthfuls. His gaze constantly being stolen by the entrance doors.  
'Jay, it's okay. Mr Grayson will be fine, he's a big boy.' Stu tried to console the young man, motioning towards the cup of juice. 'At least drink something for me, okay?'  
'No. Nothing is okay. I had it all planned and it went wrong.' Jason grumbled, sipping his juice before pushing that away too. 'I don't know why.'  
'Sometimes things just don't go our way Jay. I think we both know that Mr Grayson has a lot on his plate right now. It doesn't mean it's your fault.' Stu explained, sitting down next to Jason he pushed the juice back towards him again. 'I think we should concentrate on you, hmm?'  
Shaking his head, Jason looked away.  
'I hurt Dick. Every time I try and make something better, I just make it worse.' He spat, sending the juice and his food flying against the adjacent wall.  
'Jay!' Stu chided, before softening his expression. 'Come on. I think we should go have a bath. Just us boys.'  
'Boys.' Jason parroted, eyes fixed on the nurse's hand. 'In a Dick way?'  
'Erm, sure? In a dick way.' Stu replied, not knowing what that was about, but hearing Tracy say it to Jay a couple of times now.  
'But, I had a shower this morning, with Tracy?'  
Nodding, Stu smiled and offered Jason his hand.  
'I know. This isn't about hygiene. This is us calming down the noise.'

Jason frowned, before slowly taking Stu's hand and following him out of the dinning room, wondering where the bath was? Jason had been here since forever and had never seen one.  
They stopped a couple of doors down from his cell and Stu opened the door.  
Stepping inside, Jason closed his eyes and looked again.  
It was a rather spacious room. There was a huge bath tub in the middle, with a chair next to it, a small set of cupboards in the far corner.  
'Woah.' Jason muttered, feeling like he did the first time Alfred showed him his ensuite in the manor. Although this time he wasn't terrified, just apprehensive of the large foreboding tub being filled with steaming water and bubbles that smelt of lavender.  
'I-I had a shower.'   
Straightening up, Stu wiped his wet hands on his scrubs and gave him a reassuring smile.   
'No, this about relaxing Jay. You've had a difficult couple of days. It's a coping technique.'  
Jason looked back down at the rising water, Jesus wept there was even some jacuzzi thing going on in there.  
'A bath.'  
'Yup.I always have a nice long soak after a hard day.' Stu replied, noticing how Jay tensed and seemed to pull his uniform even closer to his body. He seemed to be accepting the idea but was hesitant about stripping off. Tracy had been the only one successful in getting him to wash under supervision. 'It's okay Jay. This is just a dick thing, yeah? I ain't going to touch you. I won't even look, just tell me when you're ready.'

With that, Stu walked over to the door and pulled the curtain across to create a partition.  
Jason swallowed dryly and looked over at his reflection in the mirror. Stu was probably using that to keep an eye on him however, he did appreciate the appearance of privacy.   
Still not really understanding the point of all this, Jason stripped as quickly as he could, just incase. He couldn't not fold his uniform neatly on the side before getting in the tub, covering himself with the small mountain of bubbles.  
'We done?' Stu called out, and Jason cleared his throat, before letting the nurse know that he was.  
Stu pulled back the curtain and smiled cheerily, a fresh set of pyjamas in his hands.  
Jason nodded stiffly at the unspoken implication, he looked away, sucking on his bottom lip to try and calm himself. A hand rested on his bicep and Jason froze, turning to peer up at Stu who had sat down in the chair with a small, understanding smile.  
'We good?'  
Nodding half heartedly, Jason cast a glance around the bathroom before settling on the crinkles at the edges of Stu's eyes.  
'It's- this is weird. Eve-even when Tracy does it, it's weird. Having people do stuff.'  
'Take care of you?'   
Leaning forwards, Stu watched Jason look up at him before glancing away again. 'Surly your mother or, or someone gave you a bath, Jay? As a child?'  
Stu hoped to spark a fond, lost memory but instead a tear rolled down the young man's cheek.  
'No.' Jason muttered, swallowing thickly he closed his eyes at the feeling of the warm water. 'One person did. Once. I was terrified.'   
The memory of Alfred and that bath from hell on his first night at the manor came back bright and vivid. It had taken hours and multiple refills of the tub before the water finally ran clear. He'd never bathed like that before. He'd thought fleas were normal.

Jason pushed the memory away, fingers swirling in the bubbles thoughtfully, they definitely were lavender. Sucking on his bottom lip, he flicked a look up at Stu.  
'My head hurts.'  
'Yeah, I can imagine. Can I?' Stu replied, holding up some shampoo and an empty beaker.  
It was pointless saying that he'd already had a shower, the nurse already knew that, so this was clearly some other plot. Nodding, Jason scooted forwards, only to jolt back again when a rush of water hit him somewhere it really shouldn't go. The only reason he didn't plunge beneath the water was thanks to Stu catching hold of the young man by the arm pits.  
'Ha, ha, easy, Jay. Watch the jets!' Stu chuckled, removing his hands when Jason steadied himself and shot him a glare. 'Hey, don't blame me. I was just sat here.'  
Snorting, Jason tilted his head backwards for the nurse to pour water over his head. Stu began to massage in the shampoo. His movements slow and methodical, coupled with the warm water gently moving over muscles he hadn't even known were aching, Jason felt a bizarre feeling, almost as if he were floating.   
'Feel good?' Stu asked with an air of innocence, rinsing the suds from his patient's hair and sitting back in the chair.  
'Yes.'   
Jason finally allowed, the admission leaving his lips with less venom than he intended. 

Lying back, he decided to give up the ghost and close his eyes, just letting himself be in the present for a bit. That's what they all harped to on about, mindfulness, being in the now.  
Tracy's words danced across his mind and Jason frowned. He did feel good, really good.  
'You okay Jay?'  
'Yeah.' Jason almost sighed, quizzical eyes lifting to meet Stu's. 'You're a man.'  
'That is the conclusion I have reached, yes.' Stu chuckled.   
Jason nodded, his lip apparently now permanently stuck in his mouth.  
'When- when was your first time?'  
'A long time ago.' Stu replied cautiously, wondering where Jason was going with this.  
'Boy or a girl?'  
'Girl. I'm straight, Jay.'   
Humming, Jason blushed and turned away, arms crossing over himself self-consciously.  
'I dunno what I am. Do you know?'  
'No.' Stu replied firmly, reaching out to rest a hand on Jason's bicep again. 'That's for you to work out I'm afraid. Don't worry dude, you've got plenty of time to find that out. When you're better, yeah? Not right now.'  
'Was it good? Your first time?'  
Stu blinked for a moment, realising what Jason was getting at.  
'Yes. It was, if a little awkward, I had no idea what I was doing. I was lucky I guess. It's up to you what you consider to be your first time Jay. You can see your past experience as your first, even if it might have been upsetting, or you can discount it, and decide that your first time is still yet to come.'

Jason was silent for a long time, eyes half closed and Stu had begun to think he was dropping off, until he spoke again.  
'I like the sound of that but-' cutting off Jason chewed on his bottom lip.  
'But what, Jay? What's worrying you?' Stu asked, watching how Jason sucked in a breath and ducked his chin into his chest.  
'Where's Tracy?'  
'She's doing other things. We're okay, aren't we?'  
Jason gulped and looked down at the bubbles again, before nodding slowly.  
'I think so.'   
Came a mumble that despite its quietness was soaked in wariness. 

Nodding slowly, Stu got up from the chair and crouched down in front of the man who was still just a boy. He figured Tracy was keeping mom about how much she knew about his history, but it didn't take a mastermind to work out it was bad. That disclosure about that Talia woman was just the tip of a very large iceberg.   
Stuart followed Tracy. He'd followed Tracy ever since the Catacylsm. So when she went into nursing so had he, because she had. He'd never had a passion for it. It had been a long time since he could honestly say that his nursing methods were recovery based because he believed in it. It had been the mysterious young man currently sat quietly in the bath that had given him his passion, the drive to want to nurse someone, help them. Stuart had been a lost boy once too.  
'Jay, I know you like Tracy. That's good, real good, there's no better nurse here. But Jay, you can talk to me too.' Glancing down, Stuart studied the scars for the first time. They were violent and brutal. Life as a vigilante was dangerous, everyone knew that. His gaze rested on some scars on the young man's arms that he'd seen so many times over his career. He didn't have to question where those came from.   
'I'm like Tracy. I'm a nurse too.'

This seemed to strike a cord with Jay and his eyes lifted to meet his own. The trust he had seen during the game yesterday flickered back. Stuart had no idea how he had won Jay's trust, but he knew it was rarely given. That when Jay did trust it was quick and sudden. Stuart was also smart enough to know that he could lose it just as quickly, never to regain it. That was after all what Gotham liked about the Red Hood, no second chances.  
'Nurses keep you safe. You're a man.'  
'Men can be nurses too.' Stuart assured him with a wry smile, reaching out he tentatively rested a hand over the scars on Jason's arm. 'I want to keep you safe. Men can be good too, Jay.'  
'M-my dad was. My adopted one.'  
Smiling brightly, Stu tried to hide his elation at finally getting Jay to open up to him at bit.  
'Adopted? I was adopted too.' Jason's eyes widened and Stu's smile grew. 'Where is he now?'  
'Dead.'  
'Oh.' Stuart pursed his lips, noticing the very raw grief creep up before being shoved back down again. 'Recently huh? My condolences.'  
Nodding stiffly, Jason rubbed at his eyes and let out a very heavy sigh.  
'It don't matter. I fucked up. He said I was his greatest failure.' Pausing, Jason looked around at the bathroom in defeat. 'Guess he was right.'  
'You're not a failure, Jay. You're just not very well at the moment. That's all. Would you think you had failed if you broke your leg? Or got the flu?'  
'Yes?' Jason replied, looking back at the nurse as if he'd just said the stupidest thing on the planet. 'If I broke my leg, I was not following my training. My fault. If I get the flu, I haven't been looking after myself. My fault.'  
Pursing his lips, Stu folded his hands into his lap and nodded thoughtfully.  
'That must be a very heavy burden to carry.'  
'Huh?'  
'You told me that the flu is your fault? Jay, not everything is your fault. Sometimes things just happen because they just do. There isn't always a reason for it. I don't know who's told you that bad things that happened are your fault, but I can tell you that it's not so.'  
Jason didn't believe him. 

Shaking his head, if Jason had been on dry land he'd have curled up, instead he just crossed his arms over himself.  
'I hurt Dick. I tried to make things better and I hurt him. I had everything figured out in my head it was all there. A,B,C but C didn't happen. Angry, I was expecting angry. Not hurt. Never hurt. I didn't want to hurt.'   
Fat tears plopped into the bathwater and Jason looked up at Stu desperately.   
'He- I- there was something. In his eyes. When I was tellin' him about what happened. My eyes that were his but he wouldn't tell me what was wrong. It's wrong and I hurt him. I should just shh, kept quiet. Keeping quiet is best for everyone. Sssh. Secrets are secrets for a reason. I'm good at secrets.'  
'Jay? Jay I need you to get out for me.'  
'No, sssh, secret.' Jason muttered, a shaking finger pressing against his lips as he gazed down at his own nude body and all grasp on reality shattered. Letting out a tormented wail, he clawed angrily at his arms. Breaking down into tears that had been held back for so many years.

There was no getting Jay out of the tub when he was like this. It would be dangerous to even try. Stu knew little about the young man but that didn't hinder his intellect, his sheer damn instinct of what to do to help. Pulling the plug. Stu grabbed a couple of towels before plunging into the draining water, uncaring if he got wet. Normally, Stu would have called for a restraint, medicated Jay to calm him down, but it felt wrong to do that.   
Nursing was a lot to do with instinct and intuition. Jay needed these tears. This was Jay staring to reengage with his sense of self. His past, present and future hitting him full throttle. Like being safe behind a wall and slowly, it starts to erode away. Realising everything you had done, the cause and effect from that.  
Jay needed these tears, he needed to be allowed to feel, to scream, to shout to just, cry. 

It had been his aim of giving the boy a bath just, not quite as explosive. Luckily, Jason had jolted forwards and Stu was able to sit behind him.  
'That's it Jay, let it out.' He soothed, dropping the towel over Jay's crotch, he shuffled forward so his hips were up against the young man. Legs either side and hooked around Jay's.  
'Jay I'm going to hold you now okay? You're hurting yourself.' He instructed firmly, reaching down to pry Jason's hands from mutilating his arms, crossing them securely over his chest.  
Jason shouted and struggled against the hold, not realising what was going on.  
Stu merely tightened his grip and pushed them both backwards so he had the support of the bath to lean on. The hold was a favourite of his. Unlike others, which were meant to pin and control, this one? This one was more like a hug, securing a patient from hurting themselves, yet still providing comfort.  
'Sssh, that's it, Jay. You're doing so well, so well. That's it. You're safe. I've got you. I've got you Jay.'

Tracy didn't spend much time with Jason after Dick made a run for it. Finding a whole list of other pressing tasks she had to do.   
She couldn't face seeing Jason. She couldn't answer the question she just knew he was going to ask. 'Why is my brother upset if it's not my fault?'   
She couldn't answer the question because she didn't know the answer. She couldn't tell Jason even if she did know why. It was Dick's decision not hers.   
It was futile though. Jason was nobody's fool. He saw the look in his brother's eyes, the reaction, he knew what it meant.  
The rest of the shift past in a bit of a blur, she couldn't remember giving handover, but she must of done because she was home now.  
The most painful part was her guilt. A guilt she had always felt, ever since she had first stepped onto a ward and something had gone wrong.   
'I should have known.'  
She should have known that Dick's history wasn't all sunshine and roses either. She should have known that mentioning telling his brother to Jason was a huge risk. That Jason wouldn't talk to her about it, he'd make up his mind and just go for the jugular, that was how he worked. Decision, plan, action.  
She should have known that Jason telling Dick could trigger something for the elder boy.

 

Rubbing a hand across her aching brown, Tracy unscrewed a bottle of merlot and poured herself a generous glass.  
How could she have known? She was a nurse not a psychic, yet part of her was adamant. She could have managed the entire situation a million times better and the result was this mess of a day.  
It was her fault and she couldn't shake that feeling of responsibility.  
Taking a gulp of wine, Tracy glanced over at her uniform lying in a pile where she had stripped out of it before running a bath. Deciding that being productive was a positive step forward, she moved aching feet and creaking knees to collect her washing and put in in the washer. Dipping her hand inside the pockets to dig out her ID and pens, Tracy frowned when she felt the crinkle of paper.  
Pulling it out, she stared at it for a long while, eyes focused on the beautiful, delicate writing. Jason's secret.   
She had forgotten all about him giving it to her this morning.  
Quickly, switching on the washing machine, Tracy plodded back to the couch as if in a trance.  
Sitting down on her couch, she pulled the comforter over her knees and began to open the letter.  
'I don't want anyone else to read it.'  
Jason's words rang in her head and Tracy paused.   
Lifting her eyes she scanned the room, checking to see if she was alone before reaching for her wine glass, knowing that she was going to need it.  
Jason had done exactly what he had said. This wasn't just a recount of the past, he had written her a story. Every word and sentence written to drag her into another world. Engage and most importantly tell a tale, a tale of a little boy called, Little Bird.   
At first she took in the names and dates, wondering if they were accurate, took note of what happened and when, until, she read the final paragraph.

'Little Bird was just like hundreds of thousands of other little boys. His story differs little to theirs, repeated over and over again all over the world.  
The same question always asked, how can a grownup ever hurt a child?  
Little Bird and the other children ask a very different question; how can so many good people do nothing about it?  
The silence is a plague, a festering poison that clams up the mouths of many and silences screams. Closes throats and stops heartbeats. The silence.  
That is what needs to spoken about in Little Bird's story.  
It's not the events, the moments and actions which lead him to being who he is today.  
It's the feelings and, the silence.  
The silence is a terrible thing and the most terrible secret.  
For only when the silence is broken can Little Bird start to heal.  
Even that is still a very hard thing to do. It's a messy business healing.  
Little Bird knows two things though.  
He knows that his worth is not how much someone will pay for him.  
He knows that his worth is not the details of his story.  
Little Bird doesn't know what his worth is anymore, but it's not those things.  
Maybe in the sequel? We shall have to wait and see.'

Nursing, like everything in life, holds an infinite amount of knowledge and Tracy understood that she didn't know everything. Her guilt died down a bit as she read the closing paragraph. Realising that Jason was teaching her a very valid lesson.  
You can't know everything.  
She'd never looked at victims of crimes like child sexual exploitation in that light before. Sure it was healing to recount the details, to go back over the traumatic experience, but that wasn't the end game of therapy. The end game was to establish coping mechanisms and ways to manage the distress the event triggered. Like Jason's story said, in the end, it's not what happened that mattered. What happened to Jason was not unique if you focused on what happened. The rape and sexual exploitation of a child is what it is. Most people knew what that was and the bare facts were similar to anyone who'd been in that situation. If she went upstairs and talked to a couple of the kids on Juvie they'd tell her a story almost exactly the same. The details weren't important, that wasn't why a patient recounted the event over and over again in therapy. It was the feelings behind it.   
She hadn't failed.  
She had worked with Jason, and together they had now reached a point where Jason was beginning to accept those thoughts, feelings, secrets left locked up inside. That he was also starting to realise that that wasn't who made him, him, even if he didn't quite know who he was yet.

Re-reading the story again, Tracy smiled softly to herself and wiped at the tears in her eyes. This was all in the past. The ring had been broken up by the Batman and the ring leader currently doing time in Blackgate. To have it confirmed that Bruce had kept Jason's involvement a secret and not sought help from services still confused and angered her though. Jason deserved to have been heard back then, not kept in a silence that he had now discovered had done more damage than good.   
She'd have to tell Dr Leland but other than that? She would be able to keep Jason's secret until he was ready to talk about it. A time she knew would come, because if they got this far together? She had no doubt that Jason would discover who he was.

Tracy carefully folded up the paper and looked around her apartment, not entirely knowing what to do with it. In Arkham she'd have slipped it into his notes but taking it back there felt wrong. So did putting such confidential information in the trash or keeping it hidden in her apartment.  
Despite her better judgement, Tracy carried it over to the kitchen sink and brought out her lighter.  
The flame engulfed the paper. Warm and orange. Burning away a past that no child should ever have to endure. It was the past though and Tracy was determined that Jason's sequel would not go up in smoke.  
The fire died out quicker than she expected. Washing away the ashes, Tracy's eyes fell to her rucksack.   
Dick had left his paperwork in the rec room and she'd taken it home with her.  
With a renewed vigour and a plan slowly emerging as to how she could put the situation right, she collected the brown envelope and returned to her couch. Replacing the wine for her pen she started finishing off, what Dick had abandoned.  
Tomorrow was a new day. Tomorrow she would start again.


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'God couldn't be everywhere, so he made Alfred. Alfred is everywhere.'  
> Jason Todd, multiple times.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter is a little long!  
> I might come back to it at a later date.
> 
> Right now, life's pretty hectic.  
> I'm at a new placement, exams and assignments coming out of my ears, still working and have recently had a bereavement. So please accept my apologies x

Clutching the brown envelope to her chest, Tracy pressed the buzzer and pretended her heart wasn't racing like the clappers.  
'Good morning, Wayne Residence?'  
Came a very British accent and Tracy's words stuck in her throat like toffee.  
'Um, hi? I'm after Mr Grayson?'  
'Ah, am I to believe that you are a friend of Mr Grayson's young miss?'  
'Y-yes?' She stuttered, before realising the what was implied, and she dashed to correct herself. 'Oh gosh no! No, just a friend, friend. He left some paper work at Ark- my couch. I just wanted to return it?'  
The evaluator doors dinged open and Tracy stared as if she'd never seen an elevator before.  
'Master Richard has a friend, friend. My, this morning is becoming interesting. Please, do come up Miss?'  
'Tracy, sir.'  
'Miss Tracy, I shall see you momentarily.'  
Nodding as if the man could see her, Tracy stepped inside and pressed the 'up' arrow, knowing that this elevator could only take her to the penthouse. The interior just looked like any other, she'd been expecting polished wood and marble or something.  
The doors opened to a much more extravagantly decorated hallway, she walked up to the only door and knocked on it.  
'Miss Tracy, Alfred Pennyworth, I believe you are here to see Master Richard?'  
Nodding, Tracy put on her work smile and inclined her head. Laymen Tracy was shy and anxious but Nurse Tracy was a whole different kettle of fish. It wasn't just vigilantes who wore a mask.  
'It's a pleasure to meet you Mr Pennyworth, is Mr Grayson home?'  
The butler smiled, clearly impressed by something, stepping to one side to let her in.  
'The Master is at home however, I must however inform you that Master Richard is a little under the weather. He was out until late last night.'

Pursing her lips, Tracy nodded and stepped inside the penthouse after the butler. She had a pretty good idea why Dick was 'under the weather' and exactly what activity had kept him out all night and her heart sank. Jason had spent the night dosed up on Lorazepam, and apparently Dick had gone back to the bottle. Not being able to help in either situation didn't sit well with Tracy and an illogical part of her whispered that it was her fault.  
'Do not worry, I shan't stay long. Is Master Richard troubled by something?'  
'Master Richard is quite adept at not being troubled.' Alfred replied curtly, moving to finish putting a couple of empty alcohol bottles into the recycling. 'If you would follow me? I will show you to the sitting room.'  
Dragging her eyes away from the bottles, Tracy traipsed behind the rather, odd, butler. Wayne Manor was famed for its very gothic aesthetic, the penthouse though, seemed more modern, sleek. Tastefully decorated with shades of blacks and greys to compliment the pristine white.  
'Do sit down Miss Tracy, may I take your coat?'  
Nodding dumbly, Tracy gawked when Alfred moved to help remove her jacket and sat down gingerly on the, very chic, black leather couch.  
'Can I interest you in any refreshments? Tea? coffee?'  
'Coffee would be lovely. Thank you. Two sugars and milk please.' Tracy replied, hoping she hadn't over stepped a boundary.  
Alfred smiled and quite happily made off with her coat to fulfil her request. It soon became apparent that Alfred would have been more offended to not have been given something to do.

Alfred actually proved to be enjoyable company. Her coffee was kept topped up and there was a constant stream of easy conversation. The butler was esteemed in his job at being a host, but Tracy couldn't help but notice that the man was hiding, probably the whole shit storm that played behind the 'Wayne' facade.  
Despite this, she apparently was gaining trust, as the family album had been brought out of Dick when he was a teen. Sipping her coffee, Tracy laughed at Alfred's funny stories about the boy and she enjoyed listening about a younger Dick. Hardly innocent to the hardships of the world, but the happy spark seemed less forced in the grinning boy hanging upside down from a tree.  
Turning the page, Tracy blinked at a second boy who had appeared. Dick was sat on a water fountain that must be in the manor grounds. In his lap, was a very familiar boy, laughing up at Dick. Both boys were dressed in t-shirts and shorts, displaying knobbly knees and scraped elbows. Despite Dick holding the younger boy's arms to prevent him escaping, it was clear that the fight was just a game. The way the younger boy looked up at Dick with a loving trust, the photographer had captured it perfectly.  
'Jason.'  
The name left her lips before Tracy realised that she had spoken. If seeing Dick so young and carefree was odd, seeing a young Jason was just surreal.

'Why yes, Miss Tracy. That is indeed Master Richard with his brother, Master Jason. We do miss him terribly.' Alfred informed her, a curiosity entering his gaze which made her squirm. 'May I ask how you know of Master Jason?'  
'Work.' Tracy offered with a very neutral expression. It was best not to lie too much to the man, if Jason's 'God' description was as accurate as she suspected. Tracing a finger over a young Jason's smiling face she couldn't help but smile back at him. 'I met Dick through my work. He talks about his brother with such fondness sometimes. Seeing this, I'm starting to understand why. They were close?'  
Alfred looked pained for a moment, his gaze also resting on the boys' smiling faces.  
'Alas, I regret that it was not to be. You see, Master Jason was taken from us not long after that photograph was taken. Their relationship still quite new. I do believe that Master Richard cared for Master Jason very much. I am of the belief that the young master misses his brother every day. As do we all.'  
Nodding,Tracy looked back down at what might have been and her heart ached. Alfred seemed to pick up on the melancholy atmosphere, as the man sat down next to the nurse. Blinking, Tracy realised what he was doing and realised that Alfred was not ignorant in mental health.

'Good you tell me more? About Jason?' Tracy asked hesitantly, searching eyes that were aged with wisdom, she could almost find the meaning of life in them and, love.  
Alfred's solemn face broke into the first genuine smile she had seen from him and the photo album was replaced by a smaller one.  
'Master Jason was a very bright little boy. He held so much potential.'  
Alfred began describing Jason with the same adoration as he had Dick. A proud grandfather, showing off his grandchildren. She learnt more in those ten minutes about who Jason was and how he ticked than she ever had from a file or clinical assessment.  
'Painfully shy, but he had such spirit, Miss. The young master was adept in tomfoolery, always playing some game of other. Even if they mainly were at poor Master Richard's expense.'  
Nodding along, Tracy swallowed down a chuckle at a young Jason sticking his tongue out at her over the top of 'War and Peace', something's never changed. She couldn't tear her eyes away from the little collection of photographs, a snapshot of a time when Jason had been well. It was a privilege she couldn't quite process.  
'Jason plays, played, the guitar?' Tracy asked, her gaze shifting to a picture of Jason sat beneath a tree strumming away on an acoustic guitar, clearly unaware that his photo was being taken. Her thoughts flirted back to when Jason had stuck down a guitar on his collage.  
'Master Jason is a very talented musician Miss Tracy. Not only can he play, he can compose and his voice is delightful. One should never let the young master know that you were listening though. He tended to get-'  
'Angry?' Tracy offered, not being able to quite hide the knowing smile. Alfred paused, his face falling for a moment before the welcoming smile came back.

'Ah. I see you are familiar with Master Jason's less agreeable traits. Yes. He was quite-'  
The sound of a door creaking interrupted Alfred's explanation, and both of them turned to see a blanket with legs stumble down the hall.  
'Ah, good morning Master Richard.'  
There was a grumbled response from the blanket that Tracy just about made out to be 'mornin''  
The blanket carried on through to the kitchen, oblivious to the very disapproving glare Alfred was giving.  
'Master Richard, you-'  
'Not now Alfie.' The blanket grumbled over the sound of cereal being poured into a bowl.  
'Master Richard! You have a visitor. Please, at least pretend that we are the respectable gentleman I raised.' Alfred replied curtly, throwing an apologetic look at Tracy. 'I ask you to excuse the Master's poor manners. As I informed you, he is a little under the weather today.'  
Chuckling softly, Tracy shot a fond look over at the butler and shook her head.  
'Oh don't worry, Alfred. I have seen much worse.'

There was a clatter in the kitchen.  
With in seconds, a young man dressed in tatty boxer shorts appeared in the doorway. Dick's hair was a wild mess, his complexion decidedly paler than usual.  
Tracy's eyes fell to the array of hickeys decorating his chest.  
'Good morning, Dick. How's the head?'  
Dick swallowed, the look on his face, that of a school boy who had discovered that the teacher had come home to chat with his parents.  
'Nur- You're here.With Alfred.  
Nodding, Tracy smiled and inclined her head, having far too much fun with this than was strictly professional.  
'That's right, Dick, I'm here. Don't worry, Alfred has been very pleasant company. He showed me some photo albums.'  
'Of course he did.'  
Watching the boy pale further and droplets of sweat begin to appear on his forehead,Tracy motioned back up the hallway he had stumbled from.  
'Maybe you should vomit first and then we'll talk. That sound like a plan?'

Watching Dick nod briskly before rushing off towards the bathroom, Tracy sighed and resisted the urge to massage her temples.  
'Am I right to be of the assumption that you are quite used to Master Richard's antics?' Alfred asked, giving her a look Tracy couldn't quite place.  
Nodding, Tracy sighed and closed her eyes.  
'I would say you don't know the half of it Alfred, however, I am of the opinion that you know far more than I.'  
The silence was disturbed by the sound of Dick vomiting heartily into the toilet and Tracy just sighed and shook her head.  
'Is Master Richard alright, do you think?' Alfred asked, but Tracy didn't pick up on his false concern.  
'Yeah.' She almost groaned, glancing back up the hallway at Dicks hacking. 'If he can make that much noise he has neither choked nor lost consciousness. Maybe a glass of water and some aspirin for when he emerges Alfred?'  
'My thinking entirely.' Alfred smiled before moving off towards the kitchen. 'Another coffee, Miss Tracy?'

A few minutes later, Tracy was sipping yet another cup of coffee and watching a bashful Dick slink back into the room and collapse down into an arm chair. At least he had decided to wash his face and pull on sweatpants before coming back.  
Tracy's gaze slid down to the picture of him and Jason smiling. She had never met Jason before he became ill, before life got too much. She had met Dick though, the young man slumped in the chair was a far cry from the young man she had first met in her living room, energy sparking off him. For want of a better word, the Dick in front of her now was, flat.  
'What are you doing here?' Came an annoyed demand laced in frustration and Tracy fought to not roll her eyes.  
'Well, Master Richard, this is Nur, or Tracy as she introduced herself. She's apparently a friend friend of yours? Although being one of your special friends is a source of distress for the girl, which quote frankly, I understand entirely. Apparently you have left an envelope at Ark-my couch.' Alfred explained, eyes dancing in amusement when both Dick and Tracy turned to look at him in wide eyed horror. 'I must admit Ark-my couch is a term I haven't heard before in regards to a article for sitting on. Does Arkham have special terminology for such objects Nurse?'

'You-'  
'Of course he knew. You seriously tried to pull the wool over Alfred's eyes? Even Jason knows better than that.' Dick grumbled, shaking his head at Tracy as if she had made an elementary error. She supposed in Wayne family terms she had.  
'Apologies, Nurse, Master Richard is a little irritable today. Please do excuse him, the children aren't normally this-'  
'Volatile?' Tracy supplied, watching the humour spark right back up in Alfred's eyes. The butler's lips twitched upwards slightly.  
'I was going to say bratty but I suppose volatile shall suffice. Please excuse me, I have some pressing tasks which require my attention. Master Richard, I expect you to be cordial and polite to the nurse or no cookies after dinner. You have already lost your hot chocolate privileges for your conduct.'  
'Cookies?' Tracy looking up at Alfred's retreating form. Jason liked cookies.  
'That's right, Nurse. In order to achieve equilibrium in the household, one must sometimes delve to bribery.'  
'I prefer the term positive reinforcement myself'  
Pausing, Alfred cast a fond look over at the woman and inclined his head.  
'Hmm, I do believe I shall add that term to my vocabulary. Master Richard, please try to not frighten this one off. She is fast becoming one of my favourites.'

The room fell into a heavy silence. Dick pulled the blanket that had followed him over himself and glared through it at Tracy. Watching the nurse collect the photo albums and place them down neatly on the coffee table.  
'Jason won't like that you're here. He definitely won't like you looking at those.' Dick grumbled, but in all honesty he was as threatening as a toddler with a sore head. Pursing her lips, Tracy nodded slowly.  
'I'm not here for Jason. I'm here for you, Dick.'  
'Right, yeah. Alfred said you had my envelope. Why bother coming here with a bunch of paperwork if not to spy on me?'  
Collecting the brown envelope, Tracy passed it over to the young man as well as the glass of water and aspirin Alfred had provided.  
'You boys and your paranoia. I'm not spying on you Dick. I just thought you might need these for the board meeting that's in oh, an hour?' Tracy explained, giving her watch a dismayed look.  
Dick however, betrayed no emotion. He just sipped at his water and stared and the envelope blankly.  
'I don't feel well. I shall call ahead with my apologies.'  
'You don't feel well because yet again, you've decided to deal with your distress by drinking to excess. I hope the casual sex was safe or do we have to go to the clinic this afternoon?'  
Shaking his head, Dick rubbed at the visible bruises on his neck, a slight blush dusting his cheeks.

'After yesterday, I don't think that was a good idea. Do you feel any better for it?'  
'I'm not Jason.' Dick spat grumpily, sipping slowly at his water, he pointedly avoided all eye contact .  
'I know that, your name's not Jason for a start.'  
Scowling, Dick began to drum his fingers against the glass and shot Tracy a fiery look.  
'Why do you always say that?'  
'Because every time I ask you about yourself you always mention your brother. I'm asking you how Dick is, not Jason. I think you spend a lot of time hiding behind your siblings, being a good brother. Making sure everyone else is okay because that way, the focus is off you. No one thinks to ask the person helping everyone else if they're okay. Am I right in that assumption?'  
Silence fell again and Tracy let it speak for itself. She waited as the words settled around Dick and slowly the distress he'd been masking behind alcohol, sex and anger filtered in and once bright, blue eyes welled with tears.  
'You don't understand.'  
'Then help me.' Tracy replied softly. 'Help me understand, Dick.'  
Shaking his head, Dick ducked his head down and let out a wretched sob, cheeks reddening in shame. He was crying in front of the nurse and it was beyond embarrassing, but he couldn't stop it. He blamed the hangover.

'If-If I let it out, I'm frightened.'  
'Frightened?'  
'Yes. If I let it out, it might not go back in again.' Dick explained, looking up to peer at Tracy, his vision hazy and clouded by tears. 'I gotta make sure everyone's okay. I don't want them hurting.'  
'You don't want them hurting, like you do. You're worried that if you talk about things, you'll hurt people.' Tracy offered quietly, watching Dick nod silently before breaking down into sobs again.  
'If I let it out, it might not go back in again.'  
'And the show must go on.' Tracy replied with a slight nod. 'How about just telling me a little bit, Dick? If we let a little bit out, it will be easier to get it back in again. Won't it?'  
There was yet more silence, and again Tracy waited patiently as if she had all the time in the world.  
A trembling hand slid into hers and Tracy squeezed it gently with a reassuring smile. Dick refused to look in her direction.  
'I had sex last night. I don't do this. Not normally. I swear. I-I like having a relationship, taking care of someone. Love.'  
'Then why? Why did we have to have to do what we did last night, Dick?'  
'Because, I wanted a hug?' Dick supplied, tongue stumbling over words before he had properly decided on what he wanted to say. 'I was alone. Alone but pretty. Upside to being me I suppose. I want a hug and I just gotta open my arms.'  
'Sex is a little different to a hug. Did it help?'

Dick didn't verbally answer her. His gaze traveled to the envelope and the tears came again.  
'I-I can't help Jay. N-not like you want me to.'  
'With what?' Tracy pressed, totally and completely focused on Dick. Shaking his head, Dick closed his eyes tightly, his breath stuttering as he inhaled.  
'With her. T-Talia. I-I can't.'  
'Why Dick?' Tracy asked again, watching Dick squirm in his chair. She knew damn well why but that wasn't the point. There was a lot of repression going on and he needed to say it, out loud, acknowledge the root cause of his behaviour last night.  
'Because, because' The words seemed to falter just before they were spoken. Growling in frustration, Dick took a deep breath and tried again, eyes still firmly closed. 'It happened to me. Twice.'  
Tracy didn't say anything. Humming to show that she was listening, she waited for Dick to open his eyes and turn to look at her. The blankness she had spotted a few months ago had grown and she couldn't help but feel like she had let him slip under her radar. To focused on her patient, his brother, to fully comprehend what was going on behind the bright smile.

'Even Bruce didn't know. No one knows. Now I've got no one to tell, even if I wanted to.'  
'Thank you, for telling me.' Tracy spoke softly with a small smile. The words also carrying the message 'you have me.'  
'It's embarrassing.'  
Frowning slightly, Tracy cocked her head questioningly.  
'Embarrassing?'  
'Yes.' Dick mumbled, looking off out of the window. 'In our line of work you try to imagine it. Rape. You read up on that and other stuff. Try to find the rationale for it, ways of dealing with it, all that jazz. When- when I imagined it happening I, heh, I always thought it would be a man.'  
'A woman attacked you.' Tracy confirmed, reaching over to lay her hand on top of Dick who nodded, tears dropping onto his cheeks.  
'N-Not just one. Two. I let two different women do that to me.' Huffing a very bitter laugh, he looked over at Tracy. His words were laced in self hatred. 'I almost married one. Right after she drugged me and-'  
Dick pulled his hand free to press his fists to his eyes, a hitched sob leaving his lips that might have been a repressed wail.  
'Oh Dick.'  
Tracy soothed, pursing her lips at the thought of Dick marrying someone who hurt him. When she thought about it, it was so Dick her heart ached for him. Always so desperate to make people happy, no matter who they were.  
'I'm guessing there's more to that particular story?'

Shaking his head, Dick curled up into himself, his eyes firmly closed again.  
'Please. I don't- I can't talk about that. Not now.'  
Nodding, Tracy squeezed his hand and let them sit in silence for a moment. Giving Dick time to process what had been spoken about and bring himself back up out of that space. Back to the present day.  
'I can't help Jason.'  
And there it was again. The fixation on someone else, predominantly his little brother. Humming, Tracy glanced at her watch and inwardly winced, they were going to be cutting it fine.  
'You can. The board meeting is in half an hour.'  
'I can't.'  
'Oy!' Leaving the couch, Tracy knelt down in front of Dick, tapping his knee until he looked at her. 'We can do a conference call. Jason needs you to fight for that blackcurrant squash remember?'  
Frowning, Dick wiped his eyes and straightened up a bit in the chair.  
'It's just squash? What's the big deal?'  
'You're thinking about someone in the community.' Tracy replied with a wry smile. 'If you fancied some blackcurrant squash you could just pop down to the store and get some. Jason is in a hospital he cannot legally leave. How does he get blackcurrant squash if there's none in the kitchen?'

Chuckling at Dick's bemused expression, Tracy shrugged a shoulder.  
'He asks his big brother for it. To you and I it's just a bottle of squash, but to a patient like Jason? It's much more than that. He needs his big brother to fight his corner for him. You've been beating yourself up about not being able to help, but you can Dick? That squash means an awful lot. It proves that your listening to him, plus he earns huge amounts of street cred for having sway with the board.'  
For the first time all morning, Dick's eyes lit up and a smile started to tug at his lips. The idiot really did live for his loved ones.  
'I'll get him the bestest squash I can. Made with real blackcurrant and everything.'  
Mirroring Dick's smile, Tracy patted his knee before getting up and taking him by the hand.  
'Right, come on then. We need a shower, meds and breakfast before the meeting starts. Which way to your room?'  
Totally bemused by this turn of events, Dick pointed down the hallway with a concerned frown.  
'Y-you're not coming -in- the shower with me, nurse?'  
Smirking, Tracy shrugged nonchalantly and shot Dick a look.  
'I dunno. Are you likely to hurt yourself or someone else?'  
Shaking his head, Dick bounced slightly in nervous tension as they reached his bedroom.  
'I'm just kinda low, I swear!'  
Chuckling, Tracy motioned for him to open the door.  
'Oh Dick, you are too easy! I thought I'd save time and get your outfit ready. What are you planning on wearing?'

Dick blinked back at her for a moment, before running a hand down his face with a small laugh.  
'Little Wing is rubbing off on you, Nurse! There's a suit in my closet. Thanks.'  
Opening his bedroom door, he ushered Tracy in and pointed out the poster above his bed.  
'That's my folks, 'The Flying Graysons'. I'll take you up on the trapeze one day, maybe when Little Wing is better and, and Damian can come and Tim too, maybe even Cass. You'll like Cass, she doesn't take no ones crap, like you. Alfred can make cookies.'  
Tracy looked from the poster to Dick, smiling at the picture he was creating in his head about the future. It was positive and warm, she could see how he fitted into the family as the optimistic ray of light.  
'Hmm, I might watch Dick, and you'll all use a safety net else I'll have a heart attack.'  
'All about safety, there's no fun in that.' Dick shot back with a twinkle in his eye before his brow furrowed slightly. 'You don't like heights, Nurse?'  
Shaking her head, Tracy looked back at the poster of the Grayson's 'flying'.  
'No, I have a fear of them. I do quite like watching acrobatics though, I shall be a very enthusiastic spectator. Sit me next to Alfred with a pot of coffee and I'm sorted.'  
She expected Dick to be distracted from her to picturing images of flying through the air again, but Dick's frown increased. If it were Jason, she'd be preparing for the angry 'You're lying!'  
'I read the report from when Jason absconded. You climbed the Golden Bridge to convince him to return with you?'  
Swallowing at the mere thought of that damn bridge, Tracy nodded. Dicks eyes widened and he stepped forwards.  
'Why?'  
'Because I had a job to do, Richard, and I did it. I kept Jay safe.'  
Dick paused before giving Tracy a look she could quite place and taking her hand.  
'Thank you. Little Wing is right. You're one of us.'  
With a firm nod as if that confirmed the statement, Dick slunk off to the bathroom. The sound of the shower running moments afterward.

By the time Dick had managed to scrub himself back to something resembling functioning, Tracy had called ahead and organised the conference. Every so often Alfred popped his head around the door to ask if everything was alright, he seemed pleasantly surprised when Tracy had informed him that Dick would be holding a meeting shortly.  
Dick huffed a calming breath as he connected with the rest of the board via Skype, and cast a glance over his paperwork to discover that Tracy had finished it off.  
Tracy watched the Mr Grayson persona settle over Dick and he smiled brightly when his call was answered.  
'Ha, yes, my apologies for being absent. I am afraid I am a little under the weather today and am unable to attend in person.'  
There was a very fake laugh and Tracy set her jaw.  
'Yes, Nurse Carter called this morning and brought some cold medicine. We have some very attentive staff do we not?'  
Having heard quite enough, Tracy motioned towards the kitchen so Dick knew where to find her and then wandered off to go help Alfred with whatever he was doing. It angered her that Dick had to lie like that. That the stigma was a serious part of Dick's life. To admit the real reason why he didn't have the energy to go to a meeting today would be professional suicide.

'What is vexing us Nurse Carter?'  
A sandwich appeared in front of her and Tracy blinked in surprise, before getting over it and sitting down at the island with a sigh.  
'Society. Please, call me Tracy. Nurse Carter is when Arkham is under investigation.' She replied, smiling up at Alfred, who took a seat next to her.  
'Indeed. The late Master Bruce did not look kindly on the board of directors either. Many a time he would attend the meeting like Master Richard is doing.'  
Taking a small bite out the sandwich she had been given, Tracy nodded thoughtfully. She had never thought of Mr Wayne like that. Pompous, entitled, play boy, maybe. As she had gained more knowledge and understanding of the Wayne family unit though, that was probably the front Bruce Wayne wore.  
'What was he like? Mr Wayne?'  
Alfred was silent for a moment, before a small smile tugged at his lips.  
'I assume you have only heard of his negative traits from Master Jason.'  
'Not at all.' Shaking her head slightly, Tracy returned the small smile. 'Jay describes him as a father figure, a good man. Someone who made him feel safe?'  
She decided to negate the passionate analysis of why Jason reacted so negatively towards his adopted father and why these positive feelings were tied up in that.  
'He was a good man. A very good man.' Alfred spoke quietly, his smile tainted with grief. 'He loved the children dearly, he just, did not always succeed in expressing that.'  
Nodding slowly, Tracy's gaze was caught by a photo stuck to the fridge.  
It was of Bruce and Dick and who she assumed to be Timothy.  
'He's greatly missed.' 

'Very much so, Nurse. Thank you, for coming today. Your presence has been of great benefit. Might you call again sometime?' Alfred asked.  
There was a small pad of paper and pen on the island, reaching for it she jotted down her number.  
'Of course. If you ever need to contact me, for whatever reason, just give me a call. If I am on shift I always pick up my messages once I'm home.'  
Alfred blinked, clearly surprised by the move before nodding gratefully. The two remained in silence for a while, Alfred sipping his tea and Tracy quite enjoying her sandwich.  
'Is- how is Master Jason fairing?'  
'He's settled in just fine, Alfred. I am pretty sure Jay would appreciate a visit? He speaks very highly of you.'  
Despite the man's best attempts to maintain is British stiff upper lip, a tear escaped and rolled down a cheek aged by a life of strife and worry for his charges. Alfred Pennyworth was more than the family butler. He was a grieving father and grandfather, who shouldered burdens with such ease it was remarkable.  
'Master Jason wishes to see me, Nurse? I cannot fathom it.'  
Reaching out, she patted the man's hand and nodded with a warm smile.  
'Very much so. In fact, I believe seeing you would do wonders for Jay's recovery. Are you aware of Dick's plan to bring him home?'

Nodding, Alfred gave her a sly smile and took a calming sip of his tea.  
'The young master is of the belief that I have not noticed the guest bedroom receiving much needed attention. You would think after his complete failure to hide his past behaviours from me, he would know that I would find out. Never the less, what I deemed to be but an optimistic fantasy, has been a much needed distraction for the boy. I suppose the prospect of Master Jason returning to us is more than just a hopeful idea?'  
'Not yet, but soon. He's getting there, Alfred. However, I am yet to properly discuss the implications of Jay's placement here.'  
'How so?' Alfred asked, eyebrow raised in curiosity, he lowered his cup. 'I assure you Nurse Carter, I am astute in the management of traumatised and unsettled young persons.'  
'Yes, I do not doubt that, however, Jay will be discharged much sooner than is appropriate. In fact, if he were to follow the system, I would be looking at an open door rehab before a release back home. I am taking a huge risk here and I need to be satisfied that this placement will not fail.'  
'A rehab unit? The young master is that unwell? I feared as much but' closing his eyes, Alfred shook his head and went back to drinking his tea. 'Master Richard does not understand the responsibilities he is taking on.'  
Shaking her head, Tracy sent a guilty look towards the kitchen door. If she had thought Dick was this unwell, she would never have mentioned it to him. Alfred seemed to be lost in his own thoughts, eyes closed as he nursed his tea.

'I have served the Batman for many years. I then served every lost child he brought home beneath his cape.' Alfred suddenly spoke, lifting his head he levelled the young woman with a heavy, grave look. 'Master Jason will come home, where he belongs, but not under Master Richard's guardianship but mine.'  
Tracy opened her mouth to try and gage how much of what she had just said had been understood, but thought better of it when she received a look that suggested it was wise not to.  
'As far as Master Richard is concerned, he is still to be of the belief that he will be the one responsible for his brother. I will not have him slip even further down the slope he's already on.'  
Pausing, Alfred smiled but it wasn't a nice smile, it was a smile that told you to do as he said or suffer the consequences, even if Tracy wasn't entirely sure what those were.  
'I am assuming the levels of care would be around self harm management, medication, finances and also safeguarding Master Jason due to his vulnerable status. I would suggest ceasing vigilantism, but I doubt that to be achievable. I would mention maintaining nutritional needs and self care, but everyone in this household is subject to those. You may find Nurse Carter that I myself, am far more qualified in caring for young Master Jason than any rehab unit.'  
Nodding curtly, Alfred finished off his tea and stood with a satisfied hum. Either not seeing or probably more accurately, not commenting on Tracy's dumbfounded expression.  
'Why do you think he never came home? Master Jason is a very ill, very bright young man. He knows as soon as his foot touched the doorstep he would once again be under my care. And I, Nurse Carter, can make Arkham seem like a holiday home. Tell me, have I alleviated your concerns?'

Swallowing thickly, Tracy seemed unable to stop giving Alfred a wide eyed stare.  
'Um no? No I think that covers it.' She practically squeaked, before trying to clear her throat in an attempt to find her usual vocal range. It was a definite. Alfred is god. It was not a delusional belief, right now, was certain, unquestionable proof that this man held power unknown to any other being.  
'I, I still would like to see the room Jason is being given when Dick has finished. We will have to form a very careful plan nearer the time, to ensure everything is in place, and Jay experiences as little distress as possible.'  
For once, a warm hand encircled her own and Tracy gasped, looking up to see the warmth of a very wise, grandfather.  
'Thank you for looking after my boys. Do not fret, I shall ensure Master Jason is as settled as can be expected. My only wish is that you had been involved sooner. Maybe then we could have avoided this entire situation.'  
Nodding, Tracy swallowed again and looked away. She didn't know if Alfred knew Jason's secret. Probably not, but the man was right. If Bruce had sought advice and help when it was needed. Things may have turned out different.  
'I have to ask Alfred, why? This whole palaver with vigilantism. The whole family is involved and I can't help but feel frustrated. They are risking death, serious injury, obliterating any hope of a healthy lifestyle. Why?'  
Alfred's eyes twinkled as he looked from her to the kitchen door. Dick sounded like he was finishing up.

'Now that, I thought you'd understand, Nurse. Peace is not an absence of conflict, but the ability to cope with it. Coping mechanisms come in many guises as I'm sure you know. Some people abuse substances, some gamble, some draw or take long walks. The children of this household, put on a costume and jump off buildings. How is one meant to replace such a unique habit? Pray, do tell me Nurse if such a thing exists. I merely exercise damage control and hope that the family come back home alive.'  
'Nurse! Nurse!'  
A very excited Dick barrelled into the room, grinning from ear to ear.  
'I got the go ahead to order Jay's blackcurrant squash! Come on, we've got to find the best. Come on Nurse! You can talk to Alfred later!'  
'Welcome to the family, Nurse Carter. Now, run along before the Young Master sulks about having no one to play with.'


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes when things are falling apart ... they may be falling into place.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stressed out, can't sleep so here ... have another chapter!!

It was late afternoon when Tracy waved goodbye and walked out of the door. It was late afternoon when the fragile good mood Dick had been building left with her.  
For the rest of the day, Dick remained on the couch under his blanket, watching children's television. He liked the cartoon characters, simple light hearted stories, bright, pretty colours and nice voices. 

Damian came home from school and tutted at his older brother before making his way to his bedroom. Dick watched his little brother barely say hello to him before going back to watching Bugs Bunny play some prank on Daffy Duck.  
A few moments later, Damian was back, standing in front of the TV with his arms folded, scowl heavily set on his face.  
'What is the meaning of this, Grayson? You need to prepare for patrol.'  
Shooting his brother an apologetic smile, he moved the blanket to make room for a little body.  
'I'm sorry Dami, I don't feel well tonight. We're staying home. Wanna watch a show with me?'  
He so desperately wanted his brother to cuddle up with him on the couch.  
'Tt, I see no evidence of sickness! Father would not have shirked his duties like this. I demand we go on patrol!'  
'I am not your father, Damian. What have I told you about ordering people around?'  
Dick regretted the words as soon as they left his mouth. He just wanted a hug.  
Instead, Damian blinked in shock and confusion before it quickly flashed to anger and he sneered back at him.  
'You are pathetic Grayson. Fine, watch shows intended to entertain thoughtless infants. You have a lot in common.'  
With that the boy stormed off, leaving Dick alone with his thoughts and cartoon rabbits.

He refused to eat dinner.  
Alfred just sighed and shook his head in disapproval. Dick didn't even try to ask the butler for a hug.  
Gazing at the coloured pictures in front of him, his attention was caught by his phone on the coffee table. He wasn't entirely sure what he was even doing, until a familiar voice answered the other line.  
'Hello, High Security. Staff nurse speaking, how may I help?'  
Dick froze. Suddenly realising what he had done.  
He hadn't meant to call Arkham. He just wanted a hug.  
'Hi Stu, it's Mr Grayson. Is erm, is Jay okay?'  
'Mr Grayson! Hi, how are you? Yes, yes Jay is fine. Would you like to talk to him?'  
Like Hell Jason would speak to him over the phone. He had refused ever since that first phone call when they had both been angry and upset. Yet, it seemed rude to say no.

'Um, if he's not asleep or anything?'  
'Nah, dunna worry. One second please.'  
Before Dick could even come up with a reply, the line cut to crackling classical music. A few minutes past and he started to consider just hanging up when the music cut off.  
'Hey it's Stu, I'm just passing you to Jay now.'  
Nodding, Dick listened to the rustle of the phone being passed over. A muffled 'Jay, take the phone' followed by a string of curses that were most definitely his brother.  
'H-hello?' Jason finally spoke, his voice laced in anxiety and Dick blinked in surprise. Jason never answered the phone.  
'Hey Little Wing. It's Dick.'  
'Stu said it's handover now and to put the phone down when I'm finished.'  
Chuckling, Dick smiled at Jason's recount of the instructions he'd been given and settled back against the couch. The yearning need for contact easing somehow, listening to Jason be Jason.  
'Okay Jay, that sounds like a good plan.'  
There was a grunted agreement.

'So, um, what are you up to?'  
'I'm sat behind the nurses station on the phone to you.'  
There was a pause and Dick heard Jason huff a few deep breaths. 'I don't like phones. Stu is in the office.'  
Oh Little Wing. Always so literal. Shaking his head, Dick noticed that Stu had suddenly been added to the 'trust' list. Normally, Jason spoke as if Arkham was run solely by Tracy, but now Stu seemed to have wheedled his way in. Right now, his brother sounded like he'd been left alone with the phone, in a high secure mental health unit. Which definitely wasn't the case. It was just that neither Stu nor Tracy were there. Chewing on his inner cheek, Dick noticed Jason's breathing pick up as his anxiety spiked.  
'Hey, hey Little Wing, you're fine. It's just me, yeah? I just wanted to talk to you.'

'Oh!' Jason seemed surprised by this. 'You ain't mad at me?'  
Swallowing thickly, Dick fought to keep the tears at bay and shook his head.  
'No, no Little Wing. I'm not mad at you. Yesterday, was a tough day. You being hurt like that upset me, not you. I'm sorry for running off.'  
There was a long pause, and for a moment Dick considered the possibility that his brother had just left the phone and wandered off. Jason was shockingly awful at holding phone conversations.  
'Today was a better day?' Jason offered, the waver in his voice betraying how unsure he was about disclosing that.  
Dick's heart warmed and he felt his lips tug up into a smile.  
'I'm glad to hear it. Did you get up to much?'  
'I won at bingo today. I don't like bingo, but it was worth it, to see Edward's sour face when I won.'  
'Ha ha, Jay you're a little shit, you know that? So you've spent a lot of time out of bed today?  
There was a another silence, and Dick just knew the idiot was shrugging as if he was having a face to face conversation.

'Dr Leland came to see me. I don't know why? She told me why, but it's not ward round? She just came and we went for a walk. She asked me questions. She's always asking questions, questions, questions. I dunno, I think she's plotting something?'  
'Jay, no. We've talked about this haven't we? Hmm? What have we decided about Dr Leland?'  
There was another pause.  
'She ain't plotting.'  
'Right. She's probably just checking in with you, Little Wing. You've had two very hard days.'  
'Checking in. Huh, she said that.'  
'Exactly, Jay. It's fine. Just let the doctor help you, yeah? It's what she's there for.'  
There was another grumble and Dick decided to maybe try and distract away from the dodgy ground of doctors and plots.  
'Oh Little Wing? Do you want to know what I did today?'  
'No.'  
'I went to the board meeting and guess what?'  
'What?'  
'I got 'em to agree to getting blackcurrant squash.'  
'R-really? You kiddin'?'

Maybe Tracy was right? Jason sounded like he was being told he'd won a million dollars.  
'No, I'm not kidding. There should be some in the next delivery. You told me that's what you needed Jay, so I made sure everyone heard you in the meeting.'  
'Wednesday. The food gets delivered on Wednesday.'  
Chuckling, Dick closed his eyes and felt all the tension that had taken residence in his shoulders and back melt away. He just wished he was there with Jason, or even better, if Jason was here with him. Jason had hugged him yesterday, for the first time in years. Blinking his eyes open, Dick was mildly surprised with how easy it was to picture Jason curled up next to him. He'd been preparing for his brother to come home for so long, but he'd never been able to actually imagine it before.  
'You tell everyone else y'hear? No squandering the squash for yourself, Jay.'  
If he wasn't mistaken he almost thought he heard a slight laugh.  
'Yeah, yeah. Thursday is ECT.'  
The wariness was back in Jason's voice and Dick's chest tightened. Despite explaining to his brother that yesterday wasn't his fault, Jason still seemed to think he was being rejected.

'Yeah. What're we going to do afterwards? Tracy told me about a music room next to the library. Maybe we could go check it out?'  
Dick carried on as if there was no question about his attendance. He had learnt that lesson now. Jason got preoccupied about being rejected, but directly reassuring him always seemed to make it worse, so instead, he offered that reassurance by making plans.  
'Hmm. I s'pose. I ain't playing though. Dr Leland took me to the library on our walk. I gots more books 'cause I've read all the ones here. She said I was going to look like a book with the amount I read. She doesn't normally come today.'  
Closing his eyes, Dick shook his head and gazed back at the TV. Jason was so much like Bruce when it came to routine. His life was very rigid and, like Bruce, when that changed it was very hard for him to accept and deal with.  
'Dr Leland was just checking in with you. We've been over this. Do you have my number still?'  
'Yes. Tracy put it on my desk.'  
'Good. Well, next time Dr Leland comes when you weren't expecting her, or something else worries you, just ask the nurses if you can call me, yeah? That sound like a plan?'  
'I don't like phones.'

'I know Little Wing. It's just until Thursday. Remember the last ward round you had? Tracy and Dr Leland agreed for me to buy you a phone. It's got to stay in the office, but you can ask for it and text me when you want to talk to me.'  
There was a pause before Jason sighed heavily and could be heard fiddling with something. Dick didn't want to know what with, judging by the lack of intervention off whoever Jason was with, it was probably okay.  
'It gonna be one with buttons? Not, not one of the ones with the witchcraft screens that watch you.'  
Laughing, Dick smiled again at Jason just being the lovable idiot he always remembered. He was getting better, he could see it even if his brother couldn't. He'd always been wary of technology even if he could hack and rewire things like the best of them.  
'Yes. I know you don't like smartphones.'  
'They're too smart.'  
'Yeah, yeah. Simple phone with buttons and no camera. I've got it all written down in my diary, Little Wing so I won't forget.'  
There was another inaudible grumble and again, Dick just knew the moron was nodding as if Dick was next to him. Man did he wish Jason was with him. Not long now. His little brother was getting better, they were talking on the phone for crying out loud.  
'Handover is finished. Night staff will be out. Sian will bring the tea trolley around.'  
'Ha ha, cookies and coco win out over big brother huh?'  
'I'm going now. Bye Dickie.'

The phone cut out before Dick could even open his mouth.  
Jason had said he was going so he had gone. His brother really, really sucked at talking on the phone and the particular etiquette of how to hold a phone conversation was lost on him. Bruce would get frustrated and decide that Jason was being rude or petulant. Once upon a time, Dick was custom to believe that, why else would his brother just hang up without saying goodbye properly?  
Now, after a lot of swats around the ear off Tracy, Dick had come to just accept it was just Jason being Jason. Before, Dick would have been saddened at his brother just ending the conversation like that but now he just sat on the couch with a dopey smile. Jason had spoken to him on the phone because he wanted to speak to him. At least someone wanted to speak to him.

Dick sat on the couch for a long while afterwards, tears once again making their silent appearance. It was different this time, the tears didn't ache like they were being dragged up from his chest, they were comforting almost. Dick just let them fall, no one was around to see, not even Alfred.  
He wasn't sure why he was crying.  
He recognised his grief for Bruce, the pain of being separated from Jason, the worry about Tim. Somehow though, talking to his little brother eased all of that slightly. He didn't mind being alone anymore.  
Dick was so lost in his own thoughts he hadn't noticed the little body slip into the living room to join him. He didn't notice the boy clamber onto the couch until two chubby hands cupped his cheeks and wiped the tears away.  
'Dami?'

'I apologise for my outburst. It was unfounded.' Damian mumbled, glancing away bashfully. 'You are tired, despite resting all day. Only a sick person behaves in such a manner.'  
'Yes. I am tired.' Dick replied gently, stifling a yawn, he took in the soft flannel of Damian's pyjamas, the blue matching his eyes almost perfectly. 'I'll be okay little D. Dynamic duo you and I. I've had a chat with a friend and feel a bit better now, if you want to watch a film?'  
Damian glanced up at his brother critically before shaking his head and looking away again.  
'Friends should not be a causation for you to shed tears, Grayson. You taught me that.'  
Smiling, Dick slipped an arm around his little brother and leant down to rest his cheek against the mop of raven hair.  
'They helped me shed good tears Dami. I can see things starting to get better, just like I said they would.'  
Rare as it may be, Damian snuggled under the blanket like the little boy he was supposed to be, and looked up at his older brother with wide, glasses eyes, a chubby hand reaching to wipe away his brother's tears again.  
'I find it disconcerting when you cry, Grayson. I do not know how to strategically manage the situation and that I find most displeasing.'  
'I promise it's not your fault and it's not your responsibility Dami.' Dick replied, squeezing the boy tightly into his side. 'I'm trying, believe me I am.' 

There was a very pregnant silence before Dick finally let the damning words leave his lips.  
'I'm, I haven't lied to you Dami. I am sick, just not in the way you think. I have depression and I'm trying to get better, I promise you. It's - it's like a bruise in my mind from, everything.'  
Little arms coiled around his chest and Dick felt Damian snuggle even closer, face almost buried into his arm pit.  
'You are an idiot Grayson. I've known that all along. Do you think me blind? You have been saving everyone else except yourself.'  
Damian's spoke the words with conviction but with little else in the way of emotion. A cool statement of the facts and they hit Dick so heavily, he felt like he'd been punch in the gut.  
Yet another fresh batch of tears dropped onto his cheeks and he turned his face to sob into his little brother's hair.  
'I miss Bruce and Tim.'  
'And Todd.' Damian sighed wearily at Dick's sharp intake of breath. 'I am not a child, Grayson. Did you not think I would notice you galavanting off to Arkham at least twice a week?'

Setting his jaw, Damian wiggled free from his brother's grip slightly and studied the scatter cushions intently.  
'I cannot bring father back and I am not prepared to apologise to Drake. I am willing however to pay the Bedlamite a visit, if that would please you?' Taking a deep breath, Damian reached down and produced a pot of paint that Dick hadn't even seen. 'I have given it much consideration and if it shall ease your strife? I am willing to allow the Bedlamite into my home, so long as he behaves and does not drool. I hope the shade is correct? I remember my mother informing me that Todd's favourite colour was green?'  
Dick felt a whole carnival of emotion hit him at once. Sadness, grief, shock, sheer disbelief. The mention of Talia in the same sentence as Jason sent a shiver of disgust down his spine but he managed to hide that behind the small smile that ghosted his lips.  
Damian didn't need to know about what his mother did to their brother.  
Dick took the tin of paint, noticing that Damian had selected a shade of green that was almost exactly the same shade as Robin's.  
'Dami, please tell me you didn't take your costume to the store to colour match?'  
Damian looked nothing but offended before folding his arms with a scowl.  
'Tt, do not be preposterous, Grayson. I borrowed your Robin costume, as the shade is the same as Todd's.'  
Dick blinked, hoping against hope that some how Jason's humour had rubbed off on the ten year old and he'd soon crack a grin and laugh at him for falling for the prank. Instead, Damian just blinked back at him blankly and Dick tried not to cry again.  
Damian had taken his old Robin costume into a busy DIY store to colour match paint for his criminally insane brother. You couldn't write it if you tried.  
Nodding, Dick placed down the paint and ruffled his brother's hair.  
'I'm sure Jason will love it.'

The two brothers settled down on the couch and Dick switched the cartoons over to a wildlife documentary that Damian seemed to favour. Neither noticing Alfred stood in the doorway. Smiling his knowing smile.


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> You are coming home, aren't you?

Jason's last ECT appointment seemed to creep up on Dick. It seemed like forever since that first horrendous day yet all of a sudden it was the last. Jason sat happily on the cot in the clinic and only needed to hold Dick's hand while Tracy inserted the cannula. He didn't even close his eyes, he just focused on his brother and told him about his day as a distraction.  
Jason's seizure, as always, met with Dr Leland's satisfaction and she smiled up at Dick once the treatment was completed.  
'All over, Mr Grayson. Before you go, I'd like to have a word with you.'  
There it was. Something was going to go wrong to ruin the good day. Swallowing, Dick watched his brother be wheeled away anxiously.  
'Of course Doctor, just, not too long.'  
Nodding, Dr Leland smiled again and moved to clutch his shoulder.  
'You are a credit to your father, Dick. I've never met a family member so dedicated to their loved one. I am of the understanding that things have been tough for yourself and-' Pausing, Joan shook her head with a slight chuckle and moved away to begin writing in Jason's notes. 'I'm sorry, I'm keeping you. Jay is lucky to have you and I have no doubt that you shall take good care of him. You know where to find me if you ever need any advice.'  
Dick stood for a moment and just stared. Firstly, being called a 'family member' by Jason's doctor, who was supposed to be ignorant as to who he really was, was more than a little unnerving. Secondly, the way Dr Leland was talking, it was as if she was planning to discharge his brother, which was ridiculous, which only then hinted that she knew that soon, her patient would magically disappear.

'So' Clearing his throat, Dick rocked on the balls of his feet nervously. 'Is that it? With the ECT?'  
'I would say 12 weeks has done the job. I don't think another 6 week course will give us anymore improvements than what we've already seen.'  
'Thank you, Doctor.'  
Nodding respectfully, Dick went to take up his place by his sleeping brother's side.  
Jason smiled when he woke up and gained coherence again. There was a few minutes of his garbled Spanish but soon he was reaching out for his brother's hand, no longer thinking twice about seeking comfort.  
'No more now?' Jason asked cautiously. The reaction was justified. After the first 6 week course, Jason had been disappointed and upset to be told he was being sent back again for another round. So upset he had landed himself in seclusion to calm down.  
Smiling, Dick nodded, swallowing down tears, he stroked the hair back off Jason's face fondly.  
'No more now. You did so good Little Wing. B would've been so proud.'  
Jason froze for a moment, swallowing thickly, tears plopped onto his cheeks followed by a stifled sob. ' I want my moose now.'

Dick felt a little melancholy, sitting in his chair and watching Jason clumsily eat his chocolate moose for the last time. He was a long way off from being well but the difference from the Jason 12 weeks ago and now was noticeable. Not better but getting there.  
'End of an era.' Tracy chuckled, smiling in amusement at Jason, before looking back at Dick. 'He'll still expect you to show up on Mondays and Thursdays. You know what he's like about routine. It would help if you could still come, at least for a little bit to ease him into the change.'  
Nodding, Dick pursed his lips and glanced up at Tracy nervously.  
'I-I need to book in a visit with you. Damian, wants to visit.'

 

A week later, Dick found himself sat in a small room with pastel colours and cartoons on the wall. There was a couch and a coffee table with a few magazines, in the far corner was a box of random toys and one of those frames you could run the beads along.  
Dick sighed and threw a look over at Damian, who was mid-strop next to him on the couch. This was going to be a very long, very painful visit.  
'Grayson, explain to me again why I must be here?'  
Sighing, again, Dick closed his eyes for a moment before forcing a smile.  
'Dami, you agreed to visit Jason. He is our brother, it's what brothers do.'  
Tutting, the boy rolled his eyes and shot Dick a seething look.  
'I understand your misguided sense of duty, but why must we be in here?'  
'Like the nice guard said Dami. This is the family room. You're a minor. You're too young to go on the wing. This room is more calm and reassuring.'  
'Reassuring!' Glaring, Damian pointed violently out in front of him. 'The tree painted on the wall is smiling at me? How is that reassuring?'  
Another sigh.  
'Damian please-'  
'This is ridiculous. Why can't I just go on the wing? It's not like I haven't been before!'  
'As Robin, you're not Robin right now. A high secure mental health unit is no place for a child.'  
'Tt, then I am coming back later. I refuse to sit in this confounded room any longer.'  
Throwing himself off the couch, Damian made to storm off.  
'Dami, we can't come back-'  
The door beeped.

Dick forced a smile when the door opened and a tall, blonde nurse slipped in. A book and a box of pencils held in her hands.  
'Hello, Mr Grayson my names Abbie. I'm a nurse from the Juvenile Wing.'  
'Juvenile Wing?' Scowling, Damian turned to his brother and cocked an eyebrow at him. 'What is the meaning of this, Grayson? Do you intend to leave me here too?'  
'Oh the chance would be a fine thing.' Dick muttered under his breath, before smiling back at the nurse.  
'Hello Nurse, this is Damian, my brother.' He greeted, making sure to add extra happy to his voice. Nodding, Abbie walked over and crouched down in front of the preteen, smiling brightly.  
'Hello Damian, how are you?'  
All the nurse received was a blank stare and Dick wanted to openly weep.  
'It's a bit scary in here huh? Don't worry, I'm not here to admit you.'  
Dick coughed and fiddled with his watch, making sure to keep an eye on Damian, because if the nurse kept talking to him, she would be admitting him alright.  
Dear God, that was all he needed, two brothers, on two wings in Arkham. Bruce would be more than a little disappointed in his skills as a big brother.  
'Here, I brought you a book to keep you entertained. I hope you like dragons?'

Taking the book from the nurse, Damian's eyes widened at the pencils until he flipped open the book.  
'Grayson? Why has the nurse given me a sketch book that has already been used?'  
Both Damian and Abbie turned to look at him questioningly. Wonderful, Damian was going to be Arkham's new resident.  
'Little D?' Dick spoke softly. ' You colour the pictures in?'  
Damian's frown increased and he looked back at the nurse in disgust.  
'Are you incapable of finishing your own drawings, Nurse?'  
Abbie blinked, taken aback by the child who apparently had never seen a colouring book before. Picking up a pencil, she began colouring in one of the dragons. Giving off an air of nonchalance.  
'It's fun, Damian. Why don't you try?'  
Sighing, the boy snatched a pencil and grumpily began shading in a wing. Humming, Abbie admired the boy's skill before turning to to smile at Dick.  
'Can I get you a coffee Mr Grayson?'  
Nodding, Dick smiled a genuine smile of relief that the nurse was apparently over looking Damian's blip.  
'That would be lovely thank you.'

'How about you Damian? Would you like some juice?'  
Damian glanced up from where he was now concentrating on his colouring and frowned again.  
'I would prefer a cup of t-'  
Before he could finish his request for tea Dick's hand slapped against his mouth and the young man forced a laugh.  
'Yes. He means yes, he would love some juice. Wouldn't you Dami?'  
Manipulating his brother's head up and down, who was currently glaring pure homicide at him, Dick grinned nervously at the nurse.  
'Rough childhood. Mr Wayne took him in.'  
'Oh, I see.' Abbie smiled and nodded at the explanation before tilting her head at Damian. 'I'll go and fetch you're drinks. I'm sure Nurse Carter will be up with Jay soon.'  
With that she vanished out of the door and Dick released Damian who scowled at him before going back to the colouring book.  
The pair sat in silence for a while. Dick sipping his coffee while Damian coloured in a dragon, occasionally shooting a glare at his untouched cup of juice as if it were a personal insult.  
There was the sound of multiple footsteps and a familiar raised voice. Both brothers paused to listen to their sibling's protests.

'You said I had visitors?'  
'Yes Jay.'  
'You said I had visitors? Where are we going? You're lying!'  
'Your visitors are waiting in there, Jay. I'm not lying, now settle down.'  
'I behaved? I had my injection like you asked! You're putting me in seclusion! You're lying!'  
'That's the family room, Jay. One of your visitors is a child, hence going to the family room. Now, take a few deep breaths. You don't want to scare children do you?'  
'No.'  
'Right.'

Dick inhaled deeply and cast a glance at Damian who had suddenly decided to glue himself to his side, wide eyes fixed in the door.  
'I was of the belief that Todd was better Grayson?' He whispered, as if fearful that his other brother would hear. Humming, Dick fought the urge to hug him and nodded instead.  
'Yes. Jason is better than he was but he's still not very well Dami. That's why he's still here? Just, be nice, and don't shout.'  
'Why?'  
Dick was suddenly realising how bad an idea this was. Damian was suspicious and his guard was up. Jason clearly wasn't dealing well with having his routine changed. Also, Dick had completely forgotten that this was injection week else he'd have never have dreamed of bringing their brother today. Now, both brothers were wired and there was going to be blood, he just knew it.  
'Jason isn't well Dami. Shouting upsets him.'  
'Why would shouting upset him? Most of our job involves shouting?'  
Pinching the bridge of his nose, Dick wondered how to politely remind Damian how not okay Jason was before he was hospitalised.  
'You look like Father when you do that.'  
'Oh for the love of-'  
Before Dick could finish, the door opening thankfully interrupted him.

Two guards walked in, followed by a harassed looking Tracy and Jason who looked the sheer definition of confused. Pushing his way in between Tracy and the guards, he looked over to see who his visitors were. His frown increased, until he spotted who was pressed up against Dick's side.  
Jason turned to stare at Damian.  
Damian stared right back.  
The two looked like a couple stray tomcats who had strayed into each other's territory.  
Wary and trying to suss the other out.  
Tracy and Dick exchanged apprehensive glances, just like tomcats, there was a potential for this to not end well.  
'Why is he in handcuffs? Do you intend to attack us?' Damian suddenly spoke up, his gaze moving to stare at the cuffs around his brother's hands. 'I would not advise it. For the benefit of your own health.'  
Jason blinked, before slowly shaking his head. He stared at Damian for another few long moments, before finally deciding to study the floor.  
'Why are you here? Come to laugh?'  
Damian frowned and shook his head in bewilderment.  
'What is supposed to be amusing to me?'  
'Me?' Jason mumbled, stepping back he tried to head for the door, but only succeeded in bumping into a guard.

Hands were suddenly on his and the handcuffs were removed. Glaring at his free hands, Jason shook his head at Tracy, who smiled in encouragement. The guards filtered out before shutting he door quickly behind them.  
'We can't run away from every awkward situation Jay.'  
Swallowing, he turned back to look at Damian and shook his head again.  
'No.'  
Dick frowned and sat forwards, not entirely sure what his brother meant, but apparently, Damian did. With a small 'tt' the boy pulled away from Dick and stalked over towards Jason.  
'How are you today, Todd? The roads were quite dry on the journey up.' Damian greeted, offering his brother his hand.  
Jason blinked and looked from the hand to Damian, before finally shaking it with a confused frown.  
'I'm okay.' He replied, his voice wavering slightly despite his best efforts to keep it together. Damian either didn't notice or didn't care because the boy just nodded and gave him a polite smile. Jason's didn't miss how his brother's gaze drifted to the identity bracelet on his wrist, letting go of Damian's hand he pulled his sleeve down and looked away in shame.  
'Why are you here? If it's not to laugh at me?'

Tracy rested a supporting hand on the small of Jason's back and he blinked back at her nervously, before stepping further into the room and sitting down next to Dick. He looked up at his big brother and shook his head, bottom lip disappearing into his mouth.  
'Do you see the smiling tree too?' Jason whispered, eyes drifting to that god damn fucking tree. Looking at it to prove a point, Dick nodded and forced a smile. Wondering why on earth his brothers were so freaked out by a cartoon tree?  
'We came to say hello, Little Wing. Damian wanted to see how you were doing. I've been telling him about all the stuff you've been getting up to.'  
'You are quite skilled at origami and bingo I believe.' Damian interjected, glancing at the spot next to Jason, wavering over whether he wanted to sit down.  
'I'm not very good.' Jason mumbled, cheeks flushing bright red as he ducked his head down. 'I-I, um, it's Easter, erm, sometime. We decorated cookies this morning.'  
'That sounds, in keeping, with the holiday traditions.' Damian replied, it was obvious by the look on his face he had little understanding of either the holiday or why someone would want to decorate baked goods. 'Am I to be under the assumption that it was an enjoyable pastime? As all you have done is state facts, Todd.'  
Dick gave the boy a very pointed glare and reached to take hold of Jason's hand, in hopes of providing reassurance. Jason startled and frowned down at Dick's hand before looking from him to Damian and nodding his head.  
'Yes, I guess so. I didn't know.'

'I didn't know is not a full sentence, Todd. In what context?'  
Tracy winced and waited for Jason to bristle but instead, the young man just blushed again and shrugged.  
'Didn't know you were coming. I would have brought some. I didn't know. I should have brought some.' Jason mumbled, sucking his lip again, he picked at his uniform anxiously. 'I didn't know.'  
'Woah, Jay. Deep breaths, okay? Dick and Damian know you didn't know. It was a nice surprise for you, like we talked about yesterday? Sometimes we do nice things but don't tell the other person, surprises.' Tracy reminded him, smiling up at Dick who seemed to be getting tearful. Jason didn't seem convinced, screwing up his face he looked over at the door again.  
'I don't like surprises. I want to go back now. I didn't bring cookies.'  
'Neither did we, Todd? If I desired cookies I would go see Pennyworth. It would be ridiculous to traipse all the way up here.' Damian chimed in, looking down, he remembered his book. 'Todd?'  
Teal eyes flashed up to meet his and Damian smiled slightly and motioned towards the book. 'Would you care to partake in this activity with me? I am afraid someone has already drawn in the sketchbook but-'  
'It's a colouring book.' Jason interrupted, smiling slightly in amusement. 'It's supposed to have the pictures already in it, Numbskull.' 

Ignoring Damian's scowl, Jason moved from his spot by Dick and knelt down at the table, picking up the book his smile grew. 'These are dragons from folklore.'  
'Would you like to stay and colour with Damian for a bit Jay?' Tracy asked, glancing over at Dick who was grinning like a Cheshire Cat.  
Nodding, Jason shrugged a shoulder up at Damian.  
'If you don't mind?'  
'I offered?' Damian pointed out, kneeling down opposite he motioned towards the book. 'Would you like to choose a dragon, Todd?'  
Jason nodded again and flipped through the book, eyes lighting up as he recognised each one.  
Damian quirked an eyebrow as his brother timidly picked up a red pencil. It was an odd sight, a far cry from the psychotic killer the Red Hood had become. He glanced down at Todd's hospital identity bracelet, the man before him now seemed human. Not at all what his father and mother had described to him.  
'Y Ddriag Goch.' Jason mumbled, focusing entirely on shading the wings of the dragon as if it required a huge amount of concentration.

'Are- are you feeling yourself?' Damian demanded, eying up his brother cautiously who sill hadn't looked up from the dragon they were colouring in. It was quite apparent he was talking in tongues. Turning away, he glared at the nurse chatting quietly with Grayson.  
'Todd, seems to be lacking control of his faculties and is embarrassing himself by speaking in tongues!'  
Looking over at Jason, Tracy watched him blink in confusion before going back to his shading with a small huff.  
'Jay, what did you say to Damian? I don't think he understood you.'  
Lifting his eyes, Jason looked from Tracy to his little brother who was watching him like you would a bomb that was about to explode, he pointed to the dragon on the page.  
'Y Ddriag Goch?'  
Damian shook his head at Jason the same way you would to a toddler.  
'That's a dragon, Todd.'  
Nodding, Jason smiled and went back to colouring, thinking that he had explained himself until he heard a 'tt'.  
'He will not converse with me Grayson!'  
'Jay?'  
Lifting his head again, Jason frowned at Tracy who was giving him a very pointed look.  
'I still don't think Damian understands what you're trying to tell him.'

'Y Ddriag Goch.' Jason repeated, looking from Tracy to his brother, who now was giving him the same look you gave to a natural disaster. 'The Red Dragon. Y Ddraig Goch?' Pointing back down to the dragon he quirked an eyebrow at Damian's bemused expression. 'The picture is of the Welsh dragon?'  
This seemed to spark some recognition and Damian looked back down at the picture with a slight hum. Picking up a lighter shade of red he helped his brother finish it off.  
'I see. Yes, I suppose it does hold resemblance to the dragon on the Welsh flag.'  
Chuckling, Jason shook his head at his little brother.  
'It is Y Ddraig Goch. Do you know the story as to how he became the mascot of Wales? The red dragon defeating the white dragon of the Saxons?'  
Damian blinked and lowered his pencil down carefully.  
'I am afraid I have no comprehension of what you are talking about.'  
As if someone switched on a light behind his eyes, Jason's features suddenly came to life and he began drawing other characters next to the dragon.  
'Y Ddraig Goch. The oldest recorded use of the red dragon symbolising Wales was in AD 829, where he is mentioned in the Historia Brittonum. In it, Merlin, the great wizard, predicted the defeat of the Saxons by the Welsh. Once upon a time-'

Sipping his coffee, Dick leant back into the couch and gazed at his brothers in fondly. Jason enraptured in his recount of a story, hands flying out dramatically to act out certain parts. Damian almost seemed like any other 10 year old boy, gazing up in wonder as his older brother told him a story of dragons, wizards and Arthur Pendragon. They seemed like any other pair of siblings; if you forgot that they were in the family room of a high security hospital where the elder brother was a patient, and neither brother had seen one another in months.  
'I think the visit is going well don't you?'  
Blinking, Dick turned and smiled at Tracy before looking back at his brothers. Jason was now describing how the red dragon defeated the white dragon in elaborate, gory detail that had Damian in a trance.  
'Hmm, Little Wing can tell a story to literally anyone it seems.'  
Chuckling, Tracy looked over at her patient and shook her head in amusement.  
'Well, Jay does like his books. I've never seen anyone like it. He reads something and he can remember it years later.'  
Nodding, Dick smiled over at his brothers, it seemed Jason was at least accepting the surprise visit.  
'Sorry for not calling ahead. It's just, Damian may not look it, but he's vulnerable. If Jay refused his visit? Damian would never try to reach out again. I thought springing the visit on Jason would be better as he wouldn't be able to think himself out of it.'

Finishing his coffee, Dick watched Jason smile a little, still unsure and wary about Damian, but picking up the pencil to carry on colouring regardless.  
'I guess, I know this sounds stupid. He's hard as nails but, sometimes, I think Little Wing can be vulnerable?'  
Tracy pursed her lips and nodded slowly, her gaze too, shifting to observe her patient.  
'Jay is a very young, very vulnerable person, Dick, not just sometimes. Don't fall for the hard as nails act, it's defensive bravado more than anything else. He's been through a lot but think about it? How much of the world has Jay really seen? Of what could be considered normal, everyday life?'  
Dick looked like someone had tipped a bucket of ice cold water over him. Chuckling softly, Tracy slid her eyes pointedly over to the other Wayne boys.  
'I think it would be best to carry on this conversation when we don't have listening ears?'  
Clearing his throat to compose himself, Dick nodded with a wry smile.  
'Of course, Nurse.'  
'So, you're looking much better Dick.'

'They are talking about you, Todd.' Damian muttered, sneaking a suspicious look over at Grayson and Nurse Carter. Jason however didn't even raise an eyebrow, instead choosing to carry on colouring.  
'Yeah. You get used to it.'  
Damian blinked in surprise and cocked his head at his not so psychotic, psychotic brother.  
'And that does not bother you?'  
'Yeah, it does. Like I said, you get used to it.'  
Frowning, Damian leant forwards and gave his insane brother a very probing look. He couldn't decide whether his brother was getting better or had decided to develop a disassociated personality disorder to keep things interesting. Noticing his brother's bewilderment, Jason looked up and shrugged a shoulder.  
'Maybe it's cause I had my Constra today? I dunno, you get used to it? Pick your battles and all that jazz. It's gonna happen anyway. I do a lot of accepting shit stuff in this place.'  
'What is Constra?' Damian asked, unsure of how to provide comfort he suspected he was supposed to be giving, so just jumping to what he did best. Being a detective.  
His brother seemed mildly surprised at the question, before blushing and turning away.  
'It's- it's an intramuscular injection. Risperidone.I don't like it, but Dick agrees with the doctor and says I gotta have it. Just for now.'

Swallowing, Damian scowled and looked away. Sure, Todd wasn't high on his list of favourite people but that seemed a little cruel. To force him to do things he didn't want to do.  
'Why don't you like it?'  
Again, Jason seemed surprised by this. Shrugging, he prodded at his belly with a slight pout.  
'It makes me fat. My mouth is dry and my arm hurts too.'  
'I disagree, Todd. You look a much healthier weight than last time we met.'  
Damian surprised himself at his attempt at reassuring his brother. Swallowing, he glanced down at his untouched cup of juice and passed it over to him with a shrug.  
'You may have this. I only like freshly squeezed juice, not this sugary substitute.'  
Jason blinked in surprise before taking the juice with a nod of thanks, not overly sure what he was meant to say to a boy he barely knew. Coughing slightly to try to hide his wince, Jason quickly swapped hands before taking a grateful gulp of liquid.  
'You should come at breakfast. They have fresh juice then.' Jason mumbled, placing down the empty cup.  
Damian nodded thoughtfully, his gaze resting on his brother's arm.  
'The injection site hurts?'

Shrugging, Jason rubbed at his aching arm, still refusing to look at his little brother.  
'Yeah. It's why I don't fight no more. I'd rather my arm being stabbed every fortnight.' Pausing, Jason sucked on his bottom lip, cheeks flushing at the mere memory. Damian cocked his head and raised an eyebrow. The image of Bruce when he was intrigued. The image hurt, so Jason ducked his head to look away.  
'What happens when you fight it?'  
Damian's voice sounded further away than it should. His cheeks burned in shame and Jason somehow managed to duck his head down even further.  
'They use the gluteal muscle. Under restraint.' Jason grumbled quickly, not overly comfortable with telling a child that. Even if it was his demonic little brother. 'Eh, it does make things better. Like Dick says, the nurses are just tryin' to help.'  
Damian just sat and stared, his mouth hanging slack as he listened. Not quite believing what he was being told. It was unnerving that a lot of Todd's decisions seemed to be based around their brother's opinion instead of his own. Looking back over at Grayson, who had noticed the change in Todd's demeanour, Damian reached out and placed his hand on top of Todd's warily.  
'Cease looking so disquieted. They are looking at us.'

'Someone's always looking at me. That's the point of being on eyesight observations.' Jason shot back, amusement dancing in his eyes and Damian chuckled a little.  
'At first, I was apprehensive of you coming home, however, on reflection of this meeting I am more amiable to the proposal.'  
Damian frowned when Jason blinked back at him blankly. Had Grayson not informed their brother of his intentions? Slowly, a heavy sadness seeped through his brother's features like a poison that's Damian was powerless to stop.  
Getting up slowly, Jason lifted his head to look at Tracy, chin wobbling as he tried to hold it together in front of his little brother.  
'I want to go back. Now, Tracy!'  
'Little Wing? What's wrong?' Dick questioned, getting up to reach out for his brother only for him to step back.  
'I want to go back now!' Jason practically yelled, his voice tinged with fear and Tracy nodded before moving to the door to open it. She glanced down at Damian, who was sat in a stunned silence.  
'Okay. It's okay, Jay. I'll find our escort and we'll go back.'


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'Sweet Desert Rose each of her veils, a secret promise. This desert flower no sweet perfume ever tortured me more than this.'  
> Sting

Jason walked to his cell on autopilot. Curing up on top of the blankets on his bed he stared at the blank wall. Tracy expected tears but he seems to just be content to suck his lip.  
She noticed how close he was to the wall and was unsurprised when the forehead starting bumping softly against it.  
'I thought you and Damian were getting on? I really enjoyed listening to your story.'  
'We. Did.' Jason mumbled, hitting his head that little bit harder. Pursing her lips, Tracy sat down on the edge of the bed.  
'Jay, what did we say about the head banging?'  
Usually, when prompted, Jason remembered past events and action plans they had made and was able to recall and act on them. Tonight however, Jason couldn't or wouldn't remember.  
'The bad thoughts are back.'   
Frowning, Tracy cocked her head in confusion.  
'What thoughts, Jay? Voices?'  
'No, bad thoughts like I said.' Jason grumbled. Despite his denial though, the young man closed his eyes tightly and pressed his hands over his ears. 'Stop it. Stop.'

Jason may be calling them thoughts but responding to them in such a way, indicated that most probably, they were more than that.  
Swallowing, Tracy nodded and looked away for a moment before pushing on Jason's shoulder lightly so he turned onto his back.  
'Jay, do you think about ending your life?'  
Jason's brow furrows and he shot Tracy a wary look.  
'The doctor asked me this when I came here. I told him to fuck off.'  
'Dr Bartholomew? Yes, that's right.' Pausing, Tracy gave him a soft smile and held out her hand. 'Will you answer the questions this time?'  
Jason didn't seem convinced. Sucking on his lip, he eyed up Tracy's hand before taking it hesitantly.   
'Have you thought about ending your life?'  
'Don't tell Dick!' Jason suddenly blurted out, eyes wide and searching for reassurance and Tracy nodded.  
'Okay.'

'That's the bad thoughts. It got better when I started the Constra but sometimes, one sneaks in.'  
Jason spoke slowly, watching the nurses face to gage a reaction, and felt perturbed by the acceptance he found in her expression.  
'Before Dick brought me here? Everyday, since I came back, I put a gun to my head and counted to ten. I never pulled the trigger but -'  
Rubbing his eyes on the heels of his hands, Jason shook his head and gazed at the opposite wall.  
'Why do we feel the need to do that, Jay?' Tracy asked softly, her stomach twisting at the mere thought of it.  
'I-I'd try to remember what it felt like, to, to be Jason. To be Robin. What it felt like when he accepted me, when I thought he lov- he wanted me. I'd try to remember the self worth he taught me, my magic. Being Robin gave me magic. The bad thoughts would say if I couldn't remember that I should pull the trigger. Frightening thing was, it got harder and harder to remember and the bad thoughts got louder and louder in my head.'  
'Do you feel that the world would be better off without you?'  
Shaking his head, Jason refused to make eye contact and focused on the ceiling instead.  
'World don't give a rats ass if I'm dead. Never did.'  
'What about your family?'

Tears dropped onto Jason's cheeks and he nodded, pulling his hand free to curl up again.  
'I want Dickie to be happy again. If I wasn't here, I couldn't hurt him and make him sad. I'd do anything for him.'  
Wiping at his eyes, Jason growled in anger and slammed a fist into his mattress, having learnt long ago that hitting a wall didn't end well.  
'Why keep me alive? I can't help no one in here. I've been locked up, forever. Until I die, my life is just risk assessments and needles. I hate needles but no fucker listens. I don't have a purpose. At least before, I could take a few motherfuckers with me. I may not be missed but their absence would be noted. Their victims would get peace. What now? Tell me Tracy! 'Cause all I see is that I'm lying in my grave. Endless days filled with needles and restraints. I'm doomed to die within these four walls. So tell me. Go on! Tell me what I've got to live for! I dare you!'  
Tracy sat in silence for a moment. Looking around the little cell she could understand why Jason would think of it as his grave. There wasn't much to speak of. A bed. A small closest. A desk and chair. Four white walls and a door which lead to a bathroom just as faceless.

'Why have these thoughts come back Jay? So suddenly? Was it your brothers' visit?'  
Gasping a breath, Jason nodded slightly. Tracy noted that his bottom lip was becoming sore and made a note to ask Dr Leland to prescribe some cream for it, that will be fun to get him to put on. Jason somehow managed to curl up even tighter, nails digging into his forearms as he hugged himself.  
'H-he said. It took me off guard. Like being shot from behind. Never thought about it. Now I can't stop and the bad thoughts come back because it's not real. It's not real but the words were there dancing around like nymphs. Sweet soft words that aren't real. Can't be real.'  
'Damian said something. Something you're not sure is real.'  
Tracy watched as finally, the predicted tears made their appearance.  
'He told me I was going home. It's not real but why are the words real?'  
Tracy froze. Jason wasn't the only one taken off guard, the walls closed in and she had no idea what to do? She had a choice to make in just a few mere seconds.  
'Jay, have, have you thought about going home before today?'  
Shaking his head, Jason started to openly sob. Placing a comforting hand on Jason's shoulder, Tracy nodded, noticing that this distress was different to the norm. Sure, Jason was currently being plagued by thoughts of suicidal ideation but beneath that? Tracy swore that she saw hope for the first time, glowing dimly behind tearful eyes. That's what Jason couldn't cope with, feeling hope.

''I wanna go home.'   
The words rolled of Jason's tongue as if he were trying them out. That they belonged to a language unfamiliar to him.   
'I want to go home with Dick.'  
This time, the words were spoken with certainty only for more tears to plop onto his pillow.  
'It won't happen. I should never have thought it. I gotta be here. Forever. But now I can't - I can't accept that. Then the bad thoughts come.'  
Jason wasn't stable enough to be told the truth right now. That much was clear.  
Humming thoughtfully, Tracy leant back against the wall and glanced over at Jason, watching him silently weep into his pillow.  
'Hmm, you're mistaken Jay. You're not going to stay here forever. I won't let you, Young Man!'  
The almost parental statement caught Jason's attention and he turned to peer at her quizzically.  
'Huh?'   
'You're going to leave high secure and transition to medium upstairs, after that we'll try you out on the open ward for a few months to see how we go. Then, once Dr Leland feels you are suitable for rehab, we shall contact the courts and community rehabilitation teams.'

'Then what?' Jason asked, he'd sat up during Tracy's explanation. Now he was sat crossed legged, hands clasped in his lap looking very much like an attentive child during story time. 'What happens then?'  
'Well ... that depends.'  
'Depends?'  
'On what you want Jay. This is your life and your recovery. I expect you to start wanting to take control of it, but at that point? The rehab team will expect you to be pretty much independent. Their staff will only prompt you to take medication or have a shower, whatever support you need.'  
'Oh.' Jason frowned slightly and didn't seem too fond of that idea.   
'There are two possible options I see.' Tracy continued, knowing Jason was listening even if he seemed to have shut down. 'The first is that you leave Arkham and go to one of our open door rehab units. You'll have your own room, but share the rest of the house with other patients, and the staff help you relearn how to look after yourself.'  
Knowing that was a sore spot, Tracy smirked slightly when Jason glared at her.  
'I'm not saying you can't. What I'm saying is after an extended time in hospital, it can be hard to suddenly have to pay bills again for example. Staff help take the pressure off so you don't get stressed and become ill again. Then, after that, rehab staff will help you find somewhere to live, with support if you need it.'  
'Or? What's the second option?'

'You still go to the rehab unit.' Jason pulled a face and Tracy couldn't help the small chuckle. 'But your stay will be shorter because when you're ready? Dick will pick you up and take you home with him for a bit.'  
Jason stared blankly, before shaking his head.  
'Dick don't want me.'  
'He does. Jay, your brother sees you at least twice a week. I can't get him off the flipping phone. Who else's family does that here huh?'  
'Didn't show up to my funeral.'  
'Because he didn't know.'   
Tracy knew this was a bad. She knew this was something Jason had never been told but he deserved to know. To know that he was wanted, missed.   
'Bruce didn't tell Dick until after he came back from his mission. You had already been buried by that point. Dick never told you because he saw how much you were hurting.'  
'He figured not telling me would hurt me less than knowing he never got to say goodbye.' Jason replied with a knowing smile, tears glistening in his eyes.  
'Fucking dickhead! And he forgave Bruce!'  
'No, not really, Jay.' Tracy spoke softly, allowing Jason to take hold of her hand again. 'He just learnt to live with it. For the sake of the family, you.'  
They sat in silence for a moment as Jason processed everything he'd been told, head lightly tapping the wall.

'How long until I can go to that rehab place?'  
'How longs a piece of string? I'm a psychiatric nurse not a psychic, even if they do sound similar.'  
Jason snorted and shot the nurse a small amused smile before frowning again. His breathing picked up and fingers began to tap anxiously on his knee. Quirking an eyebrow, Tracy watched the behaviour curiously, the way he frowned and shook his head only heightened her suspicion of thoughts actually being voices. Jason hadn't presented like this since the Risperidone was introduced. It was saddening to see early signs of a psychosis returning.  
'What's up?'  
Huffing a breath, Jason glanced over to her and sucked on that damn lip, how he did it whilst it looked so sore was beyond her.  
'If- if I leave this Wing? I won't see you or, or Stu? I'll be on my own again.'  
'Nope. No. We aren't going there. This is why I'm saying not yet Jay. You're going to stay with me, and even when we are well enough to move on? You won't just be dumped in Medium Secure Jay. We'll move at your pace. Maybe spend the day up there like you do with Juvie? Get used to the staff and your new room before moving fully. As I said Jay, not yet.'

To be fair, it wasn't lying as such. If Dick wasn't ready by the time Jason was well enough for his security level to be dropped down, she would jump at the chance to move him further away from the Joker. Looking around the blank room again, Tracy smiled and squeezed Jason's hand.  
'Hey, how about we get in here looking nicer hmm? I think making in here look more like your space would get us one step closer to going home.'  
'How?'  
Noting Jason's perceived interest, Tracy shrugged nonchalantly.  
'What have you done with all the things you've made? We could use those? Maybe ask Dick to bring in some posters or photographs.'  
'And I'm allowed?'  
Shrugging, Tracy stood up and placed her hands on her hips with an impish smile.  
'You feel safe to have paper and blue tac?'  
Jason frowned and looked around his cell as if there were some already there.   
'What can you do with paper and blue tac?'  
'Ha! You've hit your head a bit too hard on that wall if you think I'm giving you ideas, Young Man! You keep me on my toes as it is!'

Tracy smiled as they spent the next half hour or so decorating the space around Jason's desk with the items he had made in arts and crafts. Most with the insistence of his brother, who practically half did each activity before Jason participated. She couldn't help but make note each time the boy disappeared off to drag out something else from where he had squirrelled it away. The things he had made with Dick were clearly important to him, and it fitted his presentation to have the urge to hide them to keep them safe. It also meant that she was getting a fair idea of where Jason would hide things that broke Arkham's rules, like a shiv. Jason had a thing for always having a shiv of some description, somewhere in his cell. It was a weekly thing at the least, for Tracy to have to strip the cell in search of one. She doubted Jason intended to ever use it, on himself or others, again it just boiled down to him needing to feel safe.  
'Dick made this and I made this one. It was the first day I had ECT and Dickie stayed with me.'  
Jumping out of her thoughts, Tracy blinked down to see two paper cranes held in Jason's hands, one red and one blue.   
'Dick stayed with you every time Jay, just like he promised.' Tracy affirmed, watching how the hope which was distressing Jason so much stirred behind his eyes but this time, instead of tears, he smiled.   
'Fucker didn't know how to make one. I hadda show him! And I thought I had a shitty childhood! Dickiebird never played with paper, the hell's wit that?'

Chuckling softly, Tracy watched him walk over and balance the birds in the centre of his desk, in pride of place. His expression saddened slightly and his eyes moved to the empty space next to the blue crane, as if thinking something else should be there.  
'Damian didn't know what a colouring book was. Surprised you lot didn't lock him up too.'  
'But you showed him what to do, just like you showed Dick?'   
Jason nodded thoughtfully before throwing her a very probing look.  
'Dya know who his mama is?'  
'No. I know Bruce was his father and now he resides with your brother and Alfred.'  
Nodding along, Jason sniffed and rubbed his eyes with the heel of his hands.  
'Talia. Drugged B and her way with him by all accounts. Dick don't know that bit though, so don't tell him.'  
'Oh.'   
It was all Tracy could think to say. Well, that made Jason's history with the woman a million times more awkward. Yet more secrets being holed up in dark places. As time went on she became more and more confused as to how on earth the family even functioned. Sure, the Batfamily was fractured right now, but listening to Dick and Jason talk, they were all deeply loyal to one another. Familial love was there.

'Last time my brain didn't work? When Talia had me, before she put me in the pit? I remember a little boy. Back then, my brain was worse than it is now. I had thoughts but, but I couldn't speak? No matter how hard I tried. At night I'd dream but unlike now, I couldn't scream. People attacked me and spoke at me. Doctors came and prodded me, did tests, never once telling me what they wanted to do or asking if I was okay. I was an asset, property almost, nothing more. The little boy, was different. He would sneak into my room at night. At first I was frightened, ha, stupid really the kid was barely out of toddlerhood, but everyone there either attacked me or stripped and prodded me. The little boy didn't. He'd come and climb into bed with me. He talked to me, even though he knew I wouldn't reply. The little boy taught me how to smile again. We had our own way of talking, mainly him jabbering away in Arabic and me tapping his little hand.'   
Jason smiled at what seemed to be a happy memory despite the horrendous circumstances. He traced a drawing of a flower he had done with his index finger, tears welling in his eyes again.   
'Do you know what this flower is called?'

Tracy shook her head silently, not daring to speak a word, terrified of ruining the moment. To never find out who the little boy who helped a brain damaged and traumatised Jason was.  
'The Desert Rose.' Jason replied, smiling softly as his fingers traced over the reddish pink petals. 'Best clue I got as to where Talia kept me. Pretty isn't it? It's sap is used as arrow poison. The little boy would bring me them. He said they were from outside. I didn't understand what outside was. But I still dreamed about it, about more. I spent a long time looking at my flowers. I knew outside was better, more, but I couldn't remember. It wasn't Talia eventually taking me outside that helped me remember. It was the little boy and his flowers.'  
'Who was he? The boy?'  
Jason was silent for a moment before shaking his head sadly.  
'He never told me his name. He never spoke mine either, he called me something else instead.'  
Tracy arched an eyebrow but Jason's focus was now entirely on the drawing of the flower.  
'Akhi.' Jason muttered almost in a trance, a single tear dropped onto his cheek.  
'Akhi?'  
There was a long silence before Jason slowly nodded and turned to look at Tracy with such a heavy sadness.  
'It means my brother. Talia found out about the little boy who was nice to me. She took him away, and I never saw him again. Sometimes, l-' Cutting off abruptly, Jason clutched his head and growled in frustration.  
'Stop it. It wasn't him. Sssh!'

 

Tracy stepped closer and pointed at the flower on the wall, waiting patiently until Jason noticed and followed her finger in bewilderment.  
'The Desert Rose? You draw this a lot, Jay. I always wondered why but now I think I understand.'  
Frowning, Jason shook his head and narrowed his eyes as if trying to decipher a hidden code.  
'I do?'   
His eyes drifted to some of his other pictures. It was true. The pink flower was present in some shape or form in nearly every single one. Especially ones created on days he knew Dick had visited.  
'I do.'  
This seemed to make him even more confused and Jason shook his head and turned away so he didn't have to look at it anymore.  
'The little boy did more than just bring you flowers, Jay. He brought you hope. Maybe, maybe that could be why you're so upset now? A little boy has brought you hope. What do you think?'  
'Hope?' Jason frowned and looked at the flower again, as if not understanding what that word meant. 'Hope. Maybe? I don't know, I-' inhaling sharply he looked up at Tracy fearfully.   
'I can't think. The noise in my head is too loud.'  
'Ssh okay, Jay lets-'  
'Can I have a bath?' Jason suddenly blurted out, surprising himself with the suggestion he blinked up at Tracy. 'Last time things were real bad? Stu gave me a bath. I liked that. It helped. I didn't mean to fuck it up.'

Jason was asking for something he thought might help him. He had discovered a way of self soothing and was actively seeking it out, without prompting.  
Swallowing thickly, Tracy nodded and forced a bright smile. Maybe she had lied to Jason after all and medium secure was closer than she'd envisioned.  
'You didn't fuck up Jay, you cried, that's understandable.' Tracy assured him, watching dumbfounded as Jason collected his towel and pyjamas and stood by the door for her. 'You really mean now huh? I'm glad you've found taking a bath useful. We can put it in your care plan if you'd like?'  
Jason offered a small smile and took Tracy's hand when she offered it.  
'I'd like that. Trace?'  
'Hmm?'  
'After, can I have my phone? Dick might be worried and I wanna let him know I'm okay or he'll drink again.' Jason asked with an innocent expression. Tracy cocked an eyebrow at him.  
Jason smirked.  
'I also want him to bring in a Gotham Knights poster for my wall. I know he has one so he can't lie!'  
'That's Dick's poster Jay. I'm sure he'll buy you your own one.'  
'But I want Dick's poster!'  
Smiling to herself, Tracy beeped open the bathroom.  
Well thank God for that. For a moment she thought Jason had whacked his head too hard after all.


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> 'Your homecoming, will be my homecoming!'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So a bit of fluff because the end is nigh and um yeah ... spoilers so stopping there!
> 
> Also ... my patients keep saying I'm like Molly Weasley sooo have a Harry Potter reference because just can't I be the pretty one??

The last time Tracy had been a chaperone on a visit this tense it had been the first time Dick had visited Jason and, well, let's just say everyone remembers how that one went.  
Jason was reluctant to visit his brother and had sat on his bed refusing to look anywhere but at his plimsoles. A few minutes of being doubled teamed by Stu who called by to lend a hand, Jason was now sat on the couch in the quiet room, still staring at his plimsoles and refusing to speak. Dick hummed and shuffled about in his chair uncomfortably.  
'So, um, have you done anything interesting? I um, I've been in England for a few days, have you been to England?'  
'Yes.' Jason replied, eyes still glued to the ground.  
'It's very pretty isn't it? Have you seen the Houses of Parliament? I did, there was a-'  
'I can't go within 10 metres of government buildings over there.'  
Frowning, Dick tilted his head to try and catch his brother's eye, but failed miserably. Jason was not engaging and he had clearly done something wrong. It wasn't surprising, his brother had walked out of their last visit.  
'Oh? I didn't know that, um, why are you-'  
'Cops don't like it when you practice with bombs near parliament. They get cross.'  
'Oh. Right, yeah, I guess that explains that one.' Dick replied, siding eying Tracy a questioning look but just got a shrug in response. Apparently the nurse didn't know what Jason was going on about either. 

Desperate to fill the tense silence, Dick opened his satchel and retrieved his weekly bag of counterfeit gifts that always alluded Tracy as to how he managed to get them through security.  
'I brought more peanut butter cups, some smokes and the Knights poster you asked for?'  
Jason didn't look up, he just nodded slightly and fiddled with his identity bracelet.  
'Thank you.' He mumbled quietly and Dick gave up.  
'What did I do Jay? For God's sake just stop sulking and tell me what I did wrong! What have we said about not talking huh? We can't sort stuff out if you just keep on shutting down like this. Please, just tell me what I did wrong?'  
The silence was heavy and suffocating. Glancing at Tracy, Dick made to just call it a day and leave when a small voice finally spoke up.  
'You lied to me.'  
'What? Jay, I never-'  
'Don't. Lie.' Jason spat, finally looking up at his brother. Jason hadn't looked at him like that in a long time. A heated look brimming with tears that seemed to pierce through your very soul. Dick hated that look. It reminded him of the Angel of Penance, that the eyes of Phanuel himself were boring into him, judging.  
'Jay please-'  
'You lied to me. I don't like lying!' Jason interrupted, his voice cool and worryingly calm. So much so Tracy had scooted forwards slightly and Dick hadn't missed the hand hovering over the alarm.

'Okay. How Jay? Can you tell me how I've lied to you? Help me understand.'  
Jason pursed his lips and finely broke his fiery glare to stare at his plimsoles again.  
'Damian. He revealed you. All your lies. That's what you do, what you all do, lie, lie, lie. I hate lying. Hate it!'  
Dick's brow furrowed slightly in thought and he raised his eyes to watch his brother for a moment, noticing that along with sucking in his bottom lip, he'd started to wring his hands.  
'Jay, Jay listen to me. Can you take some deep breaths?' Tracy asked, moving to get up when Jason shook his head but still took a deep, shuddering breath.  
'No, just leave me alone will you!' Jason spat, squeezing his eyes tightly shut. 'Just shut the hell up! I can't think when you jabber jabber away.'  
Swallowing thickly, Dick was lost for words. His brother wasn't talking to Tracy, sure he snapped at her at times but never with that much venom in his voice. Movement caught his eyes and he spotted Tracy stand up and knew, just knew she was going to take him away. He didn't want Jason to be shepherded off, he was trying to tell him something, even if he was being, strange. Holding his hand up, Dick looked back over at Jason and cocked his head slightly.

'Jay? Little Wing? What did Damian say? Ignore them and tell me what Damian said.' Dick spoke loudly and firmly, hoping to talk over whatever it was his little brother was hearing. Jason hunched over and slammed his hands over his ears and for a moment Dick thought Tracy would end the visit until, the nurse sat back down and as if on cue, Jason lifted his head.  
'Home. He said I was going home. You lied to me. I don't know how. But there's lies.'  
Jason could have tipped a bucket of ice cold water over him and Dick would have reacted better. Jason watched his brother stare blankly back at him, before studying his plimsoles again. 'Sssh.'  
'Home. You - do- do you want to erm, come home?' Dick stumbled over his words, it felt like time had slowed down, like that time he'd smoked Marijuana with Roy but without the chill. Dick was far from chilled. Jason fiddled about with his bracelet for a minute before nodding.   
'You lied. You left me here?'  
'To get better Jay, how many times have I got to tell you that? I'd give anything for you to come home with me. You've got to get better first Jay. I'm not B, I-I'm no good at looking after me for Pete's sake. You're on eye sight at the moment Little Wing, I can't give give you the care you need to get better right now.'

Jason blinked in response to this and looked up at his brother warily, almost as if not quite understanding what he was being told.   
'No puedo ir a casa.' He mumbled and Tracy frowned, Jason had spoken to quickly for her to pick up the language he was speaking in. The boy had a habit of doing this, when he'd been admitted pretty much floridly psychotic he barely spoke a word of English. Stu had been adamant it was Spanish but Jason had refused to comment on it. Sometimes plainly denied it.  
Whatever it was Jason had said, Dick had understood him. 

Shaking his head, Dick finally moved from his chair and crouched down in front of Jason, taking his hands firmly in his.  
'Yes you can, Little Wing. We all want you to come home. We've just got to get you a bit better first. Just like Dr Leland says? You gotta take your meds Little Wing, without a strop. We've got to work together to get you off eye sight observations and get these voices under control.'  
'Voices?' Snapping his head up, Jason seemed undecided as to whether he was angry or confused. 'What voices?'  
Frowning, Dick squeezed his brother's hands before giving him a small, sad smile.   
'It's okay to hear voices Little Wing, I don't mind. I-'  
'I don't hear voices!'   
'It's okay Little W-'  
'I don't hear-'  
'They're bad thoughts. Isn't that right Jay?' Tracy interjected with a warm smile. Huffing a breath, Jason looked up at her and nodded slowly.  
'Like Mom. Mom had bad thoughts too. We'd sing so they'd go away.'  
Schooling her expression to hide her surprise at that revelation, Tracy's smile grew and she nodded along as if she knew exactly what he meant.

'Your mom sang? That's what Dick is trying to tell you Jay. We need a little more time to assess you. To figure out when the bad thoughts come and the best way to deal with them like your mom?'  
Jason looked down at his plimsoles, clearly thinking about what was being said before nodding slowly.  
'I-I think, I think I understand.' Jason mumbled, cheeks tinging red when he finally squeezed Dick's hands back. 'You didn't lie. You just didn't tell me, because I'm not well. Damian thought I knew. You didn't lie, did you?'  
Shaking his head, Dick swallowed thickly before forcing another smile.  
'No. No I didn't lie Little Wing.'  
Nodding again, Jason looked off towards the door thoughtfully.  
'Can- can we go for a walk? In the garden? That makes things better.'  
Dick blinked in surprise at the sudden change of subject and glanced over at Tracy who nodded.  
'Um sure? You're going to have to show me the way Jay. I don't know Arkham as well as you do.'  
A very self-satisfied smirk stretched across Jason's face and he stood up, offering his hand to his brother.  
'Of course I do. I'm better than you.'

The sun had warmed the brisk air of the morning and the breeze blew softly through the shrubbery. Dick smiled and watched Jason close his eyes in bliss as they strolled up one paved pathway and then back down the other, again and again. The little courtyard reminded Dick of a cloister in a monastery, benches and flowerbeds broken up by paths that lead no where except the exits, joining up with each other like a tribal knot. He couldn't think of anything in particular to say, not wanting to destroy the peace his brother seemed to find out here. So he just wandered along by Jason's side, admiring how the sunlight made his skin glow and caught the curl of his hair. He remembered the hour long fight Alfred and the comb had with Jason and his hair. The only battle Alfred had ever lost was taming Jason's hair into something remotely presentable. In the end Dick just started talking. It's what he did best. He warbled on about the latest gossip going around Gotham, the latest news in the papers that he hoped wouldn't rile his brother up. He just kept talking and talking, waiting for Jason to snap and tell him to shut up but he didn't. Glancing across he observed Jason walking beside him quietly, eyes focused on the flowerbeds but clearly listening to what he was being told with a genuine interest. He supposed it made sense. His brother was stuck in hospital and Arkham didn't permit newspapers to be brought on high security or for the news channels to be played on the television.

Eventually Jason stopped by a bench and sat down. Without a word he looked up at Tracy who handed him the packet of cigarettes Dick had bought him.  
'Just one, Jay.'  
'Yes Mom.' Jason shot back, leaning forwards to allow her to light it for him.   
Dick stood and watched Jason smoke, swallowing down how much he hated to see him do it. In truth he probably hated Jason smoking more than Bruce had ever done. So he stood and shuffled his feet around on the spot, unsure if this was Jason's way of telling him to leave or not.  
'I'm afraid you make a piss poor gargoyle Dickie. Sit down before the crows try to nest on you.'  
Blinking, Dick looked from Tracy who seemed to be trying very hard not to laugh to Jason, who was looking up at him with a very blank expression.

'Those things will kill you.' Dick couldn't help but grumble as he sat down, and Jason just rolled his eyes and took a deep drag to prove a point. 'I would say they make you smell too but you're pretty stinky anyway.'  
Snorting, Jason blew out a long puff of smoke and shook his head in amusement.  
'Not as much as you! You reek Goldie.'  
Dick laughed and nudged his brother playfully, his heart aching to hear his brother laugh. He hadn't heard his laugh for such a long time. Instead the pair just fell into an easy silence and watched other patients and staff wander by. Jason finally finished his smoke and crushed the butt beneath his plimsoles but made no move to get up, choosing to lean back on his hands and watch the clouds roll by.

'Do you like it here?'   
The question left Dick's lips uncensored and he winced in anticipation of the shouting match. Jason bristled. Closing his eyes he took a few deep breaths.  
'No, I don't like it here. But, I feel like me here. More than I have for a long time. I like feeling me.'  
Dick would have preferred it if Jason had yelled abuse at him and tried to lamp him one like he had the first time he'd visited. His heart clenched painfully in his chest and it took all of his strength to swallow down tears. Dick was sick of crying. It's all he did nowadays. Jason seemed to be struggling himself and had dug the heels of his hands into his eyes to try and keep face.  
'You're why I'm here. Not B, if B was alive he'd never have done this to me.' Taking a shuddering breath, Jason blinked open tearful eyes and stared down at his feet, brow knotted in confusion. 'If-if B was still alive I'd never have come here, he wouldn't've let you. At night, I think, I think.'  
'You think what?' Dick pressed, part of him yearning to know and the other dreading to hear yet again that he had failed. He had failed to look after Jason as well as Bruce had.  
'B didn't help me. I-I can see that, now. He let me go. I pushed him away and he let me go. All I got was some dumb message that just made the noise in my head worse. What would have happened if B had never died and I never came here? If things carried on as they were?'   
Dick couldn't answer, not that he didn't have an answer. He knew the answer. He'd never got the chance to bury Jason but like hell did he want to experience it.   
'That frightens me, Dickie.' Jason whispered, fearful eyes brimming with tears lifted to meet his. 'That frightens me.'

God damn it the little shit.   
Tears of his own plopping onto his cheeks, Dick shook his head violently and pulled his brother into his arms without a second thought, burying his face into the now familiar smell of mint shampoo and cheap shower gel. Jason shuddered against him and at first, Dick thought him to be trying to wiggle free, until a patch on his shoulder grew wet. Hushing him softly, Dick rubbed Jason's back and sobbed with him.   
'Don't be frightened of that Jay. Not ever. That didn't happen. I got you Little Wing, I got you. That's never, ever going to happen.' He mumbled into his brother's hair, holding him impossibly tight. 'I love you. You were my first brother.'  
Pulling away, Jason wiped at his cheeks and gave Dick a very lopsided grin. He always had liked being 'first' even if it was purely down to chronology. Despite all of the recent drama, Dick could see the truth behind Jason's words. There was a spark of life in his brother's eyes now and sometimes, even on his bad days, Dick could recognise the Jason he'd known. His brother was slowly coming back. Jason would tell him now if he did or did not want to do something and explain to him his reasoning, even if sometimes it was a little skewed. Most importantly though, Jason sometimes would open up and let him in a little, allow Dick to give him a hug and have a small cry on his shoulder. Now that was something Dick thought he'd never be able to do with Jason ever again.

'You look better Dickie. Less like a zombie and not so sad.' Jason observed, teal eyes searching his face critically, and Dick huffed a small laugh.  
'That's because I take my meds and do everything else Tracy tells me I gotta do. Just like you've got to Jay.'  
Jason's smile brightened and Dick couldn't help but stare at how his eyes seemed to sparkle in the sunlight. Surprised that this had pleased his brother so much.  
Jason snuck a look at Tracy, who was stood nearby looking like she wanted to cry herself, and he nodded thoughtfully.  
'You should do what Trace tells ya Dickie.' Jason said with a very rigid certainty before returning to studying his plimsoles again. Dick sighed and shook his head a little, he'd never seen someone so fascinated by their own feet.   
'Is Damian okay? I didn't upset him?'  
Snorting, Dick shook his head and shot Jason a very knowing smile.  
'He's fine don't worry about it. If you're wanting to upset his highness you are going to have try harder. He says hello by the way, and that he enjoyed your story.'   
The corners of Jason's lips twitched upwards and he nodded. 'And Alfred? He's good?'  
'Yes. He too offers his best wishes, he'd like to see you Jay. Maybe you could send him a visiting order sometime?'  
The good humour in Jason's expression faltered, getting up he started wandering off in the direction of high security with Tracy hot on his tail.  
'Bye Dickie.'  
Apparently that was a boundary Dick shouldn't have crossed. Frowning slightly Dick quickly gathered his wits and called his farewell after Jason who just raised his hand before disappearing off. 

Jason was surprisingly settled after a rather ambivalent visit from his brother. Tracy had expected him to be angry and stand offish. However, she was unsurprised when Jason scuttled off to his cell as soon as they set foot back onto the wing. He didn't go there to brood though. Instead he munched on his peanut butter cups and stuck his new Gotham Knights poster up on his wall with a slight smirk.  
'Dickie gave me his poster. Told ya he would.'  
'How do you know it's Dick's?' Tracy asked, frowning at the poster that looked just like any other one you could buy. Jason shook his head at her in exasperation.  
'Stu is right. You know nothing Trace. This is the old team, the team I know. I don't recognise the new players.'

The rest of day trundled on just as easily. Tracy spent the latter end of it filling in notes and generally getting organised for the night shift, when Jason approached the nurses station with an envelope held tightly in his hands. Lifting her head, she smiled brightly and inclined her head, noting that Jason was presenting as very anxious.  
'You okay there Jay? You on your own?'  
Jason swallowed thickly and shook his head and Tracy felt her shoulders sag in relief that whoever was currently on Jason hadn't shirked their duties.  
'C-can- I need to- to post this. I don't know how? Jervis said to hand it in here and Stu said that too? '  
Taking the envelope, Tracy read the address and her eyebrows shot up into her hairline. It was addressed to Damian, complete with the address of the penthouse.   
'Um, it can go with the post in the morning. Jay, you know I'm going to have to read this before it gets sent. Is that okay?'  
Nodding, Jason shuffled on the spot and glanced over to the rec room to see who was there. The only occupants were Edward and Johnathan.  
'Okay, I'll read this over and send it off. Why don't you go watch the television for a bit? It's handover soon.' Tracy suggested, watching Jason consider this before pillowing his head against his arms .  
'Yeah, I guess. At least after handover I can go to bed. I'm tired, I don't know why? It's been a good day today.'  
Smiling warmly, Tracy reached across and patted his arm with a thoughtful hum.  
'Even good days can be tiring Jay. I'm glad that today's gone well for you.'  
Jason didn't reply. 

Quietly, Jason sauntered over to the couch opposite Edward and Johnathan and curled up on it like a cat, head resting on the arm rest as he watched the chat show currently playing. Edward paused in his conversation and smiled at the boy, giving him a little wave.  
'Hey Boy Wonder, you good?'  
'Tired.'  
Tracy watched the trio slip into an easy conversation of small talk which for Jason was actually a pretty big deal. A smile tugged at her lips when Johnathan got up to put a DVD on before meandering back over to sit by Edward.   
'I took the liberty of assuming you kids still like Harry Potter?'   
Edward grinned and looked over at Jason who nodded, looking just as tired as he said he was.  
It was heart warming to see the pair fall into such caring roles despite struggling with empathy most of the time. Poor Jason seemed to be oblivious to how protective the other inmates were of him. Shaking her head, Tracy dipped her hand inside the envelope Jason hadn't bothered to seal and brought out a few A4 pages. Jason's handwriting was neat and well formed like when he'd written her a letter. Scanning over the content she had to swallow down a knot of tears. Jason had written the story of the two dragons he had told Damian. Clearly wanting to reach out to him but not really knowing what to say, so he'd just given him something he thought his brother might like.  
Sealing the envelope, Tracy fixed a stamp on it and put it in the small pile of post to hand over in the morning.

A few days later Jason blinked in surprise when Stu handed over a letter during breakfast.  
'What's this? Who sent it?' He asked, studying handwriting that was familiar but he couldn't pin down who it belonged to.  
'I dunno. You're going to have to open it to find out Jay.' Stu replied and Jason scowled because he knew that staff would have read the letter before handing it over to him. 'Sian read it not me.'  
Stu had never seen someone drink a cup of tea and eat two slices of toast as quickly as Jason did before scurrying off to his cell, his letter clutched tightly in his hand. Stu followed, wondering if Jason had ever received a letter before judging by the undercurrent of excitement.  
The boy sat at his desk and stared at the envelope for a while before finally opening it with trembling hands. First, he took out a small note, eyebrows shooting up when he realised the letter was off his little brother.  
'Dear Todd, Thank you for your letter. I was most grateful to receive it. I enjoyed reading your story but felt it to be lacking. I have made the required amendments and have returned the manuscript to you.  
Regards, Damian.'   
Jason read out loud, brow furrowing in confusion he glanced up at Stu who just shrugged.  
'Have a look and see what he's done? How old is Damian?'  
'Ten.' Jason replied automatically, not picking up on the surprise in the nurse's expression. He was too focused on finding out what his brother thought was wrong with the story he had spent so long perfecting. He pulled out the familiar pages and glanced over them before freezing in shock. The once plain pieces of paper were now beautifully illustrated. His eyes fell to the drawing of Merlin and Arthur, Jason smiled.  
They had an uncanny resemblance to himself and Damian.


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for physical restraint.

The tail end of Tracy's day shifts went well. Although something seemed to be brewing beneath the surface, Jason had reached a stability he hadn't shown since admission. Dr Leland nodded as she listened to the nurse's report and flicked through Jason's file to try and catch up on the last week. Despite his progress, the boy had showed no sign of willingly attending ward round. A small knock on the door stopped the conversation short.  
'Come in?' Joan called out, eyebrow rising when Stu poked his head through the door.  
'W-would you like to see Jay, Doctor?'  
'That would be lovely.' Joan responded as if she had sent for Jay to brought to her and this was entirely expected. Tracy however wasn't quite as successful at hiding her dumbfounded expression. She watched Jason shuffle into the room and shoot a very nervous look at Joan who just smiled warmly.

'Good morning Jay. Would you like to sit down?' Joan asked. Jason scanned the room before looking straight back at her.  
'I can't.'  
'Oh? And why is that?'  
Swallowing, Jason studied his feet and shrugged a shoulder as if he wasn't really bothered.  
'You're sat on the couch.'  
'Jay, why don't you come sit by me? I have a chair here?' Tracy offered, motioning to the armchair next to her. Jason pursed his lips, clearly thinking about it for a moment before he took small, timid steps to sit down in the seat offered to him.  
'I don't sit here.' Jason grumbled, giving Tracy and Dr Leland a very put upon look.  
'Sorry Jay, you normally sit here? I'm afraid I need to use the couch for my notes is that good with you?'  
Tracy still couldn't get her head around the very prim and proper psychiatrist slipping into street slang but she couldn't deny that it did seem to immediately gain her a little bit of ground with Jason. Nodding, he gave her a small smile and lifted his head to study the pile of notes as if verifying her claim.

'Yeah, guess that's sound. I'm not staying long or talking about feelings.'  
Joan gave him a sly smile and leant on her knees as she caught his wandering eye and held him there.  
'Of course. Feelings are a hard subject matter to talk about aren't they? From what I've heard from the staff you've started trying though. I'm impressed, that was very brave of you. Just like it's very brave to come see me today.'  
This seemed to startle Jason and for a long moment he just blinked blankly at the doctor before rolling his eyes and studying his shoes again.  
'Whatever.'  
Joan wrote a few notes down in the short silence, not missing how Jason was trying his best not to look like he was watching her through his eyelashes. Chuckling slightly, she rested her pen against his clinical notes and cocked her head to the side.

'You grilling me, Jay? This isn't working is it?' Shaking her head more to herself than anyone in the room, Joan lifted her pile of notes and paper work and placed them on the coffee table. 'Would you like to sit next to me? That way you can read what I'm writing down.'  
'Um.'  
Swallowing, Jason glanced across to Tracy, silently asking if this was some sort of trap but she just offered him a warm smile.  
'I promise Dr Leland doesn't bite Jay. I saw her eating breakfast in the staffroom this morning.'  
Jason gave her a smirk before getting up and sitting down next to Dr Lenard gingerly and peering over at his notes. Joan smiled and moved them slightly so he could see better.  
'Nothing much to read yet. I've just written the date and time and that you have joined us today. Is that okay?'  
'Yeah, I guess.'

'Good. So, how have you been?'  
'I'm not talking about feelings!' Jason reiterated, scowling down at his notes and Joan just hummed and nodded thoughtfully.  
'That's okay. It's just polite to ask how someone is Jay. The information you offer is totally up to you, but I can't help you if you don't tell me what's going on.'  
'Dick says that.' Jason grumbled, lifting his eyes to look at Joan to try and gage a reaction but she just had the same infuriating smile.  
'And do you think he's right?'  
'S'pose so.' Jason mumbled, eyes following the pen as Joan began writing notes again. 'How are you Doctor?'  
Joan looked up from her notes and smiled, appearing to be genuinely pleased that he'd asked her.  
'I am very well thank you, Jay. I'm a little tired and looking forward to having some time off at the weekend.'

Jason nodded and glanced across at Tracy before going back to studying the doctor's writing.  
'You're both here all the time. You and Tracy need a day off.'  
Chuckling, Tracy shook her head and gave Jason a wink.  
'You should tell the warden that Jay.' She teased slightly, delighted to see the amusement in Jason's eyes when he smirked and gave her a wink back.  
'I will. Two weeks off and a plane ticket to Barbados. Dickie can pay.'  
'Oh my, Tracy I'd best get my flip flops.' Joan joined in, chuckling at Jason's shocked expression. 'I don't live in suits and kitten heels, I quite like my flip flops, Jay.'  
Jason didn't seem convinced by this and shook his head at her. Joan just smiled and carried on the conversation she'd been having with Tracy about how the last week had been. 

Jason listened but seemed to have little interest in participating in the discussion.  
'Jay, how do you see your future?' Joan asked, and both professionals turned to look at him. Jason blinked in surprise at the sudden direct question and sucked on his lip for a while before shrugging.  
'I dunno. I'm- I'm starting to think I might have one but I dunno, I dunno what to do. Like, things got bad I get that. But I-' Pausing, Jason rubbed at his eyes and looked away. His entire persona exhibiting an almost overpowering shame. 'I dunno who I am. What I want. It's why I came to see you.'  
Tracy pursed her lips slightly at the disclosure. Jason didn't mean he didn't know his identity, his name, he meant who he was as a person. He'd always presented as such but it was the first time he'd vocalised it and spoke about seeing a future, even if he wasn't entirely sure what that was. She watched him following Dr Leland's notes, reading every word she was writing down.  
'Hmm. Well, I'm pleased with the progress you've been making Jay. You've been working really hard and I'm pleased to see you starting to engage in life here.' Joan praised, watching Jason frown and shake his head again. He'd obviously been expecting to sit and listen to a long list of everything that was going wrong. He still had little insight and his self esteem was still pretty much rock bottom.

'Before you were very isolated and were unable to trust and build meaningful relationships does that seem fair?'  
Nodding, Jason swallowed thickly and looked over at Tracy who smiled in reassurance.  
'I-I watch TV sometimes with Eddie and John. And, and I like Tracy and Stu and Dick.'  
'That's what Dr Leland is trying to show you Jay. You've gone from that very lonely place to taking a risk and opening up to a couple of people. Engaging in social activities without us having to lock the doors to your cell.' Tracy explained, smiling when Jason's eyes lit up and he nodded.  
Dr Leland carried on talking through the different stages universally agreed enabled a person to function, the Recovery Star was its most common name. Tracy was mutely surprised that Jason was answering the questions at all, even the ones he thought to be prying and usually ended in his favourite word 'no'. He meant it when he said he had come to ward round to try and get some answers, to make an action plan, a list of things he needed to do. Tracy couldn't help but notice him sniffing as if smelling something, and picking at his fingers as if trying to clean them. He'd been doing this more often, ever since the visit with Dick when they'd gone for a walk in the garden.

 

'Jay, what's the matter?' Tracy asked when Jason's conversation with his doctor reached a natural conclusion. Frowning, he smelled the air again and gave her a confused look.  
'Can't you smell it?' He sniffed at himself and recoiled away. 'I think it's me.'  
Joan paused in her writing and cocked her head at him thoughtfully.  
'Why? What can you smell Jay? Have you washed today?' Joan asked, shooting a look at Tracy who nodded to confirm that he had.  
'I'm sorry.' Jason mumbled, tears glistening in his eyes. Pursing her lips, Tracy reached out and squeezed his hand in reassurance.  
'Ssh, it's okay Jay. Maybe ask Stu if he can run you a bath once we're finished here hmm? What is it that you smell like?'  
Jason fell silent, fear seeping into tearful eyes that he fought to swallow down. The wringing of his hands increased. The desperate action reminded Tracy of Lady Macbeth. Swallowing thickly, Jason focused on whatever he was trying to achieve, refusing to make eye contact.

'Sour, it's sour. Like rot, sour and rotting. Like death but you won't understand that. I can't get it off. I need to get it off!' He mumbled, and it wasn't entirely certain whether he was speaking to them or not.  
'Jay? Jay can you hear me?' Joan asked, placing the notes to one side she leaned closer. Jason nodded just as a couple of tears broke free from their prison.  
'Okay. That's good Jay. Focus on me. How often do you smell death? Does it come from you or from somewhere else?'  
'M-me, not often. Not anymore. Used to be all the time. All the time I could smell it. Before I came here I washed my skin raw and pulled my hair out trying to get it off. I thought it had gone away but it hasn't gone away it's still there I don't know why it went away or came back it's not me it's death. I don't know, I don't know, I just want it off off off!' Jason rambled, eyes widening as panic began to brew and he practically ended up clawing at his hands to try and achieve what he wanted. To get the smell of death off himself.  
Tracy moved to try and help Jason manage what was going on but was stopped when Dr Leland shook her head and looked back at her patient.  
'Jay, Jay I need you to think for me. Did the smell of death go away when you started the Resperidone?'  
Jason frowned and glanced at her in confusion.  
'The injection?' He asked watching the doctor nod and he thought about this before nodding slowly. 'It's come back.'

Gasping a deep breath, Jason shot a desperate look over at Tracy.  
'I want to go now. I need to go now.'  
'Okay, that's fine. I'll get Stu to come take you for a bath okay?' Tracy reassured him, standing up to take hold of both of his hands to offer comfort but also to stop his increasing clawing. 'Is there anything else you'd like to ask Dr Leland first?'  
Shaking his head, Jason swallowed again and nodded towards Dr Leland as he got up.  
'No. Thank you Doctor.I'm sorry.' He mumbled, before making a hasty exit out of the quiet room.  
Tracy closed the door behind him and turned to look at Joan with pursed lips.  
'He's been brewing for a little while now.'

'Understandable.' Joan mused, reaching for Jason's medication chart she scanned the document critically. 'He's come far, too far, too fast in my opinion. He's disclosed some very painful parts of his history and hasn't taken the time to process this fully. However, I am unsurprised. The boy always was all or nothing. I see his depot is due in a few days.The olfactory hallucination should ease as well as the auditory. Are there any others?'  
'Visual. Sometimes, they are more like extended nightmares, flashbacks.' Tracy added watching Joan scribble on the chart with a slight nod.  
'I see. I'm of the belief these are centred around Jay's stress levels. They go up his risks of psychosis go up. I am reluctant to increase the dosage of Resperidone due to the risk of it interacting with the Paroxetine. I am still of the belief that this is not Schizophrenia, he doesn't quite meet that criteria. Don't worry, I'm confident that this will pass as swiftly as the onset came.'  
Nodding, Tracy looked off towards the door thoughtfully. Despite everything she couldn't help but feel that something was about to go horribly wrong.

Tracy's premonition proved right when her first batch of night shifts rolled around. Tonight had gone to hell in a hand basket. It was one of those shifts where everything that could go wrong did go wrong. Tracy had lost count of the amount of incidents that had occurred and the team was tired and burnt out. Hell, she was tired and burnt out, everything ached and she just wanted to go home and cry into a pillow.  
Not only that, she didn't even have the correct staffing levels to run high security when it was settled, never mind when it was not. The entire situation was unsafe but no one had listened when Tracy had spat feathers and picked up the phone to demand safe staffing levels. In fairness, everywhere else was running short on staff too. Staffing levels were so bad, the shift had started with Jason regraded to fifteen minute observations because there was no way they could facilitate eyesight observations. The move was dangerous and Tracy loathed to do it but had no other choice.

'I told you not to let him go!'  
Arron Cash's scolding tone carried through from the cells and Tracy sighed. As expected the sudden regrade hadn't ended well. Sure, she agreed Jason was circling around having his observation level dropped but it needed to be done gradually rather than force a sudden change onto him. In all honesty, Tracy herself thought she'd struggle going from having someone there every second of the day to suddenly being alone, especially at night.  
Jason was currently being restrained and was needing medication to calm him. He'd been on edge all day and the Joker's laughing tonight had just tipped him over the edge. Drumming her fingers against the nurses station, Tracy glanced towards the cells and then up to the clock. Just to add more stress to the hellfire that was high security tonight, Dr Leland forgot to rewrite Jason's drugs chart so she couldn't even draw up the Lorazepam she knew Jason needed until the duty doctor rocked up to write a new one. They'd been bleeped well over ten minutes ago and nothing.

Just as she was about the bleep a doctor again, the entrance doors opened and Dr Bartholomew waltzed onto the floor as if he had all the time in the world. Tracy wanted to punch him in the throat.  
'What's the problem, Nurse?'  
'Ha! Where do I start Doctor! We're short staffed, unsettled-'  
'Why have you called me?'  
Tracy blinked and tried not to scowl. The man looked like he'd been sleeping in the staff room again, which explained why he'd been so long responding.  
'Jay. He needs medication but his chart is full. I need a rewrite so I can give him some.'  
As if on cue, an unholy roar echoed around them and Dr Bartholomew raised an eyebrow.  
'I see. May I have the chart?'

Tracy sighed in relief and quickly handed over Jason's old chart and a blank one. Dr Bartholomew took them with a small nod and began copying Dr Leland's prescriptions over to the new chart until he reached the PRN section.  
'He's only for Lorazepam?'  
'Yes. That's right.'  
'No. No this won't do. The patient is violent, psychotic and has a diagnosis of PTSD. A benzodiazepine alone will not touch the sides.'  
Frowning, Tracy watched the doctor write another drug beneath the Lorazepam.  
'But Doctor he does respond to Loraz-'  
'I assessed him on admission. I know this patient.'  
'That was months ago?' Tracy blurted out, wincing when Dr Bartholomew gave her a pointed look and slid the chart over to her. Taking it, Tracy read the new drug prescribed and just gaped in horror.

'Haldol! Jay has never taken a typical anti-psychotic before?'  
'He has Resperidone Constra.'  
'But that's atypical? Jay has issues with his heart? I really don't think this drug is appropriate. Jay responds well to just Lorazepam. Would you at least look at his latest ECG? See his heart rate for yourself?'  
'This is my clinical decision!' Dr Bartholomew boomed, levelling Tracy with a look he pointed at the meds chart. 'I do not tolerate in subordination, Nurse Carter. Remember your station. I have prescribed Haloperidol and Lorazepam. The patient is to be given both as prescribed. Am I making myself quite clear?'  
With that, the doctor was storming back out of the doors and Tracy just wanted to cry.  
'Yeah 'cause you know Jay so well!' She spat angrily, slamming her hand against the counter of the clinic in frustration when she went to make up the required dosages.

Jason had been placed on the bed by the time Tracy came to his cell, his cocky defence mechanisms were gone and he'd started to sob, crying out in terrified anger whilst he fought for his freedom.  
'Jay?' Tracy called out softly and Jason stilled, his eyes darting around to try and find the source of the voice.  
'Mom?'  
Swallowing, Tracy shook her head and stepped up to Jason's bedside, leaning down to smile at him.  
'Jay it's Tracy. You're not very well at the moment, so I'm going to give you some medication okay?'  
Jason inhaled sharply and restarted his struggling.  
'Mom! You said he wasn't here. You said.'  
Closing her eyes briefly, Tracy moved to collect the syringe, nodding in thanks when Sian reached across to pull down a section of Jason's pyjama bottoms.  
'Okay Jay, I'm giving you an injection in your bottom now. You'll feel a sharp scratch.'  
'No. No! Mom!'  
This was why Tracy didn't work with kids, she hated being called mom, especially when administering medication like this.

Jason yelped when the needle pierced him. Roaring, he tried to wiggle away from the intrusion only to find himself firmly held in place.  
'That's it Jay. You did good. You should start feeling better soon.'  
'Mom!' Jason called out hoarsely, turning his face into the pillow and sobbing.  
Noticing the shift in demeanour, Tracy gave the nod and the staff pulled back slowly. Releasing Jason from his hold.  
'Mom.'  
Dropping to her knees, Tracy reached out and rubbed his arm soothingly.  
'Sssh, it's alright Jay, just wait for the medicine to kick in. It will start working soon.'  
'I want my mom.'  
'I know.'  
Closing her eyes, Tracy hushed him softly until finally his motions slowed as he entered a more sedated state.

Tracy quickly took some physical observations and jotted them down. Jason's temperature was slightly raised and his pulse was a little off. They'd need rechecking in 10 minutes but it was nearly the end of the shift. She'd hoped to spend a little longer with him, Jason had never had Haldol before and he needed to be watched closely. Yet another attack alarm went off.  
Cursing, Tracy quickly dashed off. Leaving Jason alone.  
She didn't see him for the rest of that hectic shift but she made sure to hand over to keep an eye on him and that his vitals needed checking as a matter of importance.  
Tracy barely remembered going home and falling into bed.


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The morning after the night before ...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Welp, reaching the middle of the end now folks!!  
> Thanks so much for reading this :)

A flurry of people and objects flew by Tracy as she ran down the corridors of Gotham General. Nobody dared stop the erratic woman, with a coat thrown over a nurse's uniform. it She didn't need directions.  
The distraught telephone call she'd received off Stu told her all she needed. She needed to get to the ICU.  
Tracy peered through the glass window. Normally, Jason slept in the foetal position, hand tucked up beneath his chin. If it weren't for the beeping of machines she'd have thought him dead. Jason's beautiful sun kissed skin was waxy and pale. She'd never seen him look so poorly and vulnerable before. At least, Jason had an oxygen mask on and not a ventilator like she had feared.  
Oh God, this was all her fault.  
With a trembling hand, Tracy opened the door and stepped inside, tears knotted in her throat but she swallowed them down. Walking up to her patient's bedside, she clutched Jason's hand and closed her eyes.  
'I'm so sorry, Jay. I'm so sorry. I never meant to hurt you.'

Neuroleptic Malignant Syndrome. Tracy had only ever come across the condition twice in her life. One was Jason and the other as a first year student. Despite seeking rapid treatment that patient had died a few days later. Jason had been left in this condition for hours.  
Opening her eyes, Tracy glanced down at the ice packs pressed up against Jason's groin and axillae to try to combat the hyperthermia, the Dialysis machine ticking away to try and save his kidney function, the IV aggressively pumping his body with the fluids he desperately needed.  
The Haloperidol had caused this. One injection she should have fought harder to not have given. Instead, she had let herself be bullied into administering a medication that had almost cost Jason his life, and still might.  
'Please forgive me.'  
'Nurse Carter?' 

Gasping, Tracy hastily wiped at her cheeks and turned to face a concerned Dr Thompkins. The elder doctor took in the young nurse before her. Dressed in her pyjamas and looking like she hadn't gone to bed yet.  
'Oh, Tracy.'  
'Leslie!' Tracy sobbed, tears pouring down her cheeks. 'I killed him Leslie. It - it was me! I'm the one who gave the Haldol. I didn't fight hard enough for him!'  
'It was you? I trusted you!'  
Blinking, Tracy barely had time to see who had been talking until she was yanked off the ground and slammed into a nearby wall.  
'He trusted you and you hurt him! You of all people!'  
Swallowing, Tracy blinked up to see Dick looming above her, half mad with fury, and she shook her head tearfully.

'I-I didn't mean to. We were busy and-'  
The grip suddenly released and Tracy hit the ground so hard the impact winded her.  
'Busy? Busy! You injected my brother with a drug he'd never taken before and left him to die in his cell because you were busy?'  
'No!' Tracy practically wailed, but Dick was too far gone to hear her, blinded by his own pain and tears.  
'If not for me calling by? My little brother would have died alone. For the second time, my Little Wing would have died alone, in agony. All you have to say for yourself is you were busy!'  
'Richard, back off! Take one more move against Nurse Carter and I will have you escorted out of the building!' Leslie scolded, throwing him a disgusted look, the doctor crouched down to help a distraught Tracy up to her feet. 'Be glad Alfred hasn't arrived yet to see this behaviour.'  
'A-Alfred? Oh no!' Tracy sobbed, burying her face into her hands. 'I sh-shouldn't have come.'  
'Yeah. That's right,Tracy. Alfred is on his way. Then you'll be sorry!'  
Inhaling sharply when Dick used her name, she turned to stare at him in shock.  
'What? Like hell you are deserving of your title. Nurses don't torture people. Your words, yet you left Little Wing alone to die.'  
Shaking her head, Tracy looked back over at Jason and pressed a hand to her chest which ached so much she thought it would burst apart.  
'No. I didn't. I'm sorry.'

Dick growled from his corner and pointedly stepped in front of Tracy, blocking her from being able to see his brother.  
'Don't you even look at him, Tracy!'  
'Richard!'  
Came an almighty bellow and all conscious members of the room turned to see Alfred stood in the doorway. Despite the furious volume of his voice, the man presented as calm and composed, his knowing gaze sweeping the room like a general demanding order amongst his ranks.  
'I am ashamed of your behaviour, Richard. Master Damian is waiting at home. Make yourself useful and go make sure he is alright. The young master is deeply concerned about his brother's condition.'  
'My behaviour! What about Tracy? She-'  
'That is Nurse Carter, and you shall address the nurse with the respect her station deserves. I raised a gentleman not a swine. We shall discuss this discourse after I have attended to your brother, who is gravely unwell.'  
'But Alfred-'  
'Richard, do not test my patience.' Alfred replied, his voice reaching such a calm serenity it was quite terrifying. Peering through tearful eyelashes, Tracy watched Dick swallow before nodding stoically and turning to her with his jaw set.  
'I'm sorry for my conduct, Nurse Carter. Please excuse me for I must go check on my younger brother.'  
With that Dick was gone, leaving the room in a heavy silence.

Tracy expected a similar telling off to what Dick had received, maybe even worse. She braced herself for it, prepared herself for it. Alfred looked calmly over at Jason and walked sedately over to the single chair by his bedside. Removing his jacket, he placed it over the back, rolling up his sleeves he sat down and gave the boy a once over.  
'Oh dear me Master Jason, what a pickle we have got ourselves into this time.' He spoke softly, as if talking to a conscious Jason who had spilt his juice. Reaching out, he took hold of Jason's hand and shushed him softly. 'All that shouting. I do apologise, Sir. You know how volatile Master Richard's temper can be. He really does care for you a great deal Sir.' Pausing, Alfred let go of Jason's hand and moved to straighten his blankets. 'I had rather hoped to see you again under less dramatic circumstances, Master Jason. If one must see me, is it so hard to send a postcard?'  
Once he had finished straightening the blankets, the butler flicked through Jason's chart and checked the positioning of the ice packs.  
'Leslie, would you be so kind as to have the staff remove these packs? Master Jason no longer has a need for them. Also, maybe point Nurse Carter towards a bed before we have another casualty on our hands.'

Tracy blinked in shock, she had always known that Alfred was medically trained, but to see him just take over his grandson's care was astonishing.  
'Alfred? I'm so sorry.'  
That old, knowing look came back, and the butler walked over to rest a comforting hand on her shoulder.  
'I do not doubt you did everything in your power to help Master Jason, Nurse.'  
'It's all my fault. I'm so sorry Alfred.' Tracy could barely form the words, her voice shaking from the toll of emotion and exhaustion.  
'My dear, I do not doubt that you tried your best to keep Master Jason in good health. You are human, Nurse. Despite what the children say, I am not God and we all make mistakes.' Pausing, Alfred smiled and took hold of the young nurse's hand and guided her over to Jason's side.  
'Alfred, Dick wouldn't want-'

Shushing her protest softly, Alfred placed her hand gently into Jason's and squeezed them both with his own, encircling them protectively. Wise eyes travelling over the boy's sleeping face with a sad fondness.  
'I shall deal with Master Richard. Look at what you have done Nurse, for I fear you do not see it.'  
Frowning, Tracy looked from Alfred to Jason, to the tubes and wires, and tears welled up again.  
'No. You're not looking!' Alfred chided softly, smiling in a knowing way that made Tracy's heart yearn to find the meaning of. Shaking her head dumbly, Tracy focused on Jason's still face.  
'Master Jason has grown up being taught one lesson, over and over again. If he allows himself to trust, to love another, they will manipulate and hurt him.'  
'I know.' Tracy whispered, watching her tears drop down onto Jason's clean sheets, one fell onto the boy's cheek and his brow furrowed slightly at the feeling. Gasping, she quickly moved to wipe it away. 'Sorry Jay.'  
Alfred watched silently before shaking his head with a heavy sigh.  
'You honestly do not see it do you? What you have done?'

Shaking her head, Tracy brushed a lock of white hair from Jason's forehead, noting his dry lips.  
'His lips are dry. I shall go fetch some ice to dampen them.'  
A hand rested on her back and Alfred gave her a very stern look.  
'Nurse, for 18 years Master Jason has learnt to never let anyone in. He had shut himself up so tightly, I feared I may never see our happy little boy again. He started to come back because you cared, as a nurse, you showed him that someone cared. Master Jason has a fixation with stars, he stares at them for hours. You took his hand and showed him how to reach for them. Something no one else has achieved not even his father, God rest his soul. You, Nurse Carter reached Master Jason in his darkness and gave him back his stars, his magic. Don't you ever, ever let this one event overshadow that, I beg you.'  
Tracy's world ground to a halt.  
Had she done that? Really?

Another hand held the one not holding Jason's and Tracy turned to see Dr Thompson smiling at her, her eyes warm and sweet like caramel.  
'Come along, Nurse Carter. I am just about to clock out. Why don't you come home with me for that well deserved sleep? I promise our boy is in the best hands with Alfred. He will call us if there is any change.'  
Nodding, Tracy squeezed Jason's hand, hiccuping a smile when he squeezed back.  
'You behave yourself for Alfred, Jay. I'll come see you later. I know you seem to believe I am a robot, but nurses need their beauty sleep too, young man.'  
Fingers shifted slightly against the sheets in response to her voice and Tracy knew, just knew the little sod was trying to flip her the bird.

Sleeping on Leslie's pull out couch wasn't the comfiest place in the world but then Tracy wouldn't have slept if she'd been lying on a bed of clouds. She couldn't even drink. She was due on shift tonight and because work just loved to twist the knife she'd been assigned to chaperone Jason. Apparently she had a good relationship with him, yeah, probably, until she stabbed him with a needle and almost killed him. Pretty sure that was a deal breaker for most people never mind the Red Hood. Closing her eyes, Tracy stifled yet another sob and pulled the covers over her in an attempt to at least catch a few hours of shut eye. It was pointless, all she did was run events of the night before over and over in her head. Making a timeline of what happened, trying to find some way to make it right and then thinking about other ways it could have gone so wrong. The day shift had been just as busy as her shift had been and just as short staffed. She had passed on Jason's need for physical observations but no one had the time. The Wing was unsettled and Jason had been quiet. It had been his death sentence. Being quiet meant easily forgotten amongst the ones who shouted the loudest. Dick had been the one to find his brother. He'd popped by at the end of the night, just wanting to say hi, Stu had told him he was asleep. Dick had well, been a dick, and barged through to Jason's cell anyway and discovered him. At the end of the day though it came down to her decision to follow Dr Bartholomew's orders. She injected Jason. She was the first one to forget to check up on Jason's condition.

Somehow, Tracy had managed to drop off because the next thing she knew she was opening her eyes. There was a small figure standing in front of her. Shrieking, she pulled the blankets over herself until her brain caught up and she recognised who it was. Shaking her head, Tracy sat up.  
'Damian?'  
Damian raised an eyebrow, his gaze heavy yet attentive.  
'Yes?'  
Swallowing thickly, Tracy shook her head and tried to gather her wits. A ten year old boy was randomly stood in front of her from who the fuck knows where. Had he come to yell at her too?  
A familiar duffle bag landed beside her on the sofa bed.  
'You have to get up Nurse Carter. My brother needs you.' Damian demanded more than requested, and Tracy blinked. Which brother did he mean? Frowning, she opened up her bag to find fresh scrubs, socks and underwear along with her makeup and toiletries. Picking up her top, she arched her own eyebrow and levelled Damian with 'the look.'  
'How did you get into my apartment Damian? How do you even know where I live?'

The boy shrugged and gazed blankly back at her, clearly not understanding what he had done wrong.  
'It was hardly difficult to gain entry to your accommodation, a child could do it. As for my knowledge as to your address? Well, that's what the database at Arkham is for?'  
Tracy just stared. Damian clearly did not believe himself to be a child and apparently breaking into people's apartments and hacking confidential databases was okay in his world.  
'Um, Damian, that's not okay? This is not okay do you understand that? That was my personal space and my personal details you have stolen. It's against the law.'  
Damian opened his mouth to say something before apparently changing his mind and shaking his head.  
'There is no time for small talk, your shift starts in an hour Nurse and I must stress that you are not late.' Damian informed her with a very authoritative nod. 'My brother has decided to cease his dramatics and as awoken. He has been quite vocal about enquiringly after you, Nurse. I promised that I would deliver you to him.'

Tracy was stunned into silence. Jason was okay. He'd woken up and was asking for her. It was probably so he could yell at her for almost killing him, but he was awake and that was the main thing. Damian clearly was concerned about his brother's welfare but seemed less angry than Dick was. Somehow the boy wasn't blaming her?  
'Damian! What a pleasant surprise, have you come to collect your nurse? How is Jason?' Leslie greeted, her delighted smile suggested that she was used to have random vigilantes popping up in her home like daisies. Damian inclined his head respectfully before glancing back at Tracy in confusion.  
'I fear you are mistaken Dr Thompkins? Nurse Carter is Todd's nurse not mine. Be rest assured I have full use of all my faculties. I make sure of it upon rising every morning. It is expected.' Damian explained matter of factly, and Tracy just wondered what the hell had happened to this little boy to make him so, well, Damian. 'My brother's condition has stabilised and he has regained consciousness. However, his mental state still appears to be sedated and confused. He thought I was Drake, can you believe the abhorrence of it? He started apologising for trying to kill me! The Bedlamite almost paralysed me but that was hardly through his direct actions.'

Chuckling, Leslie crossed over to the attached kitchen and got the coffee machine going before rummaging around in the cupboards in search of 'breakfast'.  
'Hmm, so I am assuming Jason waking up has pleased you?'  
Damian pursed his lips and glanced at Tracy who had started meandering off towards the bathroom.

'The knowledge that he shall make a full recovery comes as a great relief for the family, yes. May I have a cup of tea Doctor? What do you have that would suffice as a respectable evening meal? I am quite fatigued after a day supporting the two idiots with only Pennyworth to offer his aid.'  
Closing the door to the bathroom, Tracy hid a chuckle behind her hand. Her mood lifted by the ten year old's presence. That was probably the closest Damian was ever going to get to admitting that he had been worried about Jason.


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dick and Tracy run into each other again.  
> Jason's awake but will he hold the same view as his brother?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning for descriptions of suicide and adverse drug reactions.

Mr Mendoza had been Tracy's driving instructor as a teen. He was her foster parents' neighbour and had offered to teach her after school. The ageing man had done more than teach her to drive. She passed Spanish with flying colours in high school. Not because he tutored her in the traditional sense. It was just amazing how quickly you could pick up a language when it was yelled at you whilst you tried to avoid crashing head long into a wall. The trip to Gotham General reminded Tracy very much of those driving lessons with Mr Mendoza. Tracy braked slowly as the traffic light turned orange.  
'You could have made that, Nurse. Are you trying to be late?'  
'Damian please, just sit still and finish your juice box.'  
Damian frowned and glared down at the smiling cartoon monkey as if it were a personal insult.  
'You told me this was mango juice. This is not mango juice. I like my juice freshly squeezed, this monstrosity is the flavoured, sugared water you serve at Arkham.'  
'Nothing is like the juice we serve at Arkham.' Tracy ground out through gritted teeth as she pulled away when the light turned green.  
'Urgh, could you please refrain from grinding both the gears and your teeth? Neither are good for either the car's health or yours, Nurse.' Damian complained, taking a cautious sip out of his juice box when Tracy shot him a look that was almost like his father's.  
'Damian, I do not do backseat drivers. Let's have therapeutic silence.' Tracy suggested, adding extra cheer to her voice.  
'I am not in the backseat? Look, I am sat right next to you.'  
'I had noticed.'  
'What is therapeutic silence?'  
'Sssh, quiet time, Damian.'  
'Is this what you do with Todd?'  
'Sssh.'  
'Can I drive, Nurse?'  
'What? You're ten!'  
'I know how?'  
Damian sipped at his juice and watched Tracy take a deep breath before smiling sweetly at the traffic.

It took another long winded explanation to convince Damian that they were in fact allowed to park in the parking lot meant only for staff. This involved an intricate and detailed explanation about how Arkham staff were paid out of the same pot as Gotham General. Tracy held Damian's hand as they crossed the road much to the young boy's revulsion.   
'Nurse, why are you holding my hand? Why am I being physically restrained? I believe my behaviour to have been more than reasonable.'  
Tracy hummed and nodded thoughtfully, trying hard not to snap back that breaking into her apartment was not reasonable behaviour.  
'We're crossing the road Damian.'  
This just seemed to confuse the boy even more and he glared down at her hand.  
'Are you honestly telling me that no one has held your hand whilst crossing the street?'  
Scoffing, Damian pulled his hand free once they reached the other side and crossed his arms in defiance.  
'When I was young enough to require such restraint I was in the desert and to go outside meant certain death. When I was old enough, the creatures outside had learnt better than to test my blade.' Damian explained matter of factly. Tracy forced another sweet smile and took yet another deep breath.

Frowning, Tracy spotted Dick crouched down on his haunches by the main entrance, an empty cup of coffee held limply in his hands. He looked so tired and distraught. Despite seeing the young man in such obvious distress, Tracy couldn't help but swallow nervously. Dick had been out for her blood this morning and quite understandably so.  
'Grayson! Grayson! I have brought the nurse!' Damian called out, running up to his brother, who glanced up at him with bloodshot eyes before finally looking at Tracy.  
'Dami, please could you go get me another coffee?' Dick finally vocalised, dragging his gaze away from Tracy to look at Damian again.  
'You appear to have just finished one Grayson? I really must stress that this level of caffeine intake rivals that of Drak-'  
'Damian. Coffee. Now.'  
'But-'  
'You've been told. Now go!' Dick practically yelled, and Damian faltered for a moment. Suddenly looking very much like a 10 year old boy, he looked from one adult to another. Knowing that it wasn't good but being powerless to help the situation. Despite his childlike belief, finding Jason's nurse hadn't made everything okay again.  
'I hate you!' Damian yelled back before charging inside the hospital before his brother could say anything else.

'He'll be okay.' Tracy offered her pointless reassurance and Dick just shrugged, going back to staring at his empty cup. 'Are we going to talk about this like adults or are you going to throw me against a wall again?'  
A blush crept across Dick's cheeks but he offered no further signs of willingly engaging in conversation. At first, Tracy thought it was anger and blame aimed at her until that one talk they'd had at the penthouse came to mind.   
'Okay. Can you show me how you are right now?' Tracy asked, raising an eyebrow when Dick gave her a very quizzical look. A few moments later, Dick placed the paper cup on the ground.  
'You feel like the empty cup?'  
Shaking his head, Dick sighed heavily, running one of his fingers around the rim.  
'Everyday.' He said plainly, before slamming his hand down and crushing the cup to shreds in a single hit. 'Today.'  
The representation was far to familiar to Tracy than she'd ever dare to admit to herself. Sliding down the wall, she sat on her haunches next to Dick and leant her head against the brickwork.  
'It was nearing the end of the first year of my training. The shift started out like any other. I barely remember the details now. Except 16.30, November 2nd. I was on an open pysch ward. My mentor sent me to give a patient a knock to let them know dinner was ready soon. Off I went. I remember the hallway now, the smell, the sound of my footsteps echoing. I felt something was wrong in my gut. The patient didn't answer when I knocked. I opened the door, thinking they were asleep. I still see those pink slippers in my dreams. She was hanging from the bathroom door. I cut her down and called for help, but there was nothing I could do. Nothing anyone could do.'   
Swallowing thickly, Tracy closed her eyes, not daring to look over at Dick. 'That was my first death.'

Dick was silent for a long time before he nodded and ran a trembling hand down his face.  
'He was so rigid. Like his limbs were made of metal pipes. He couldn't talk. He was so, so hot, his skin was almost burning beneath my hand. By the time the staff came, he'd started fitting, and I had no idea what to do. There was nothing I could do?' Dick recounted finding his brother, tears streaming down his cheeks in floods. 'My little brother, my Little Wing.' Suddenly switching focus, Dick turned to Tracy and glared angrily. 'You did that. All you said was sorry? Have you even tried to feel what Jason felt?'  
'No.' Tracy replied honestly, sighing she looked Dick in the eye, let him see the pain and tears concealed there. 'I can't. Just like you can't get close to the victims you help. Empathy can only go so far. If I let myself feel what my patients feel? I would shatter.'  
'So you say you're sorry.' Dick mumbled, recognition sparking behind his eyes, he offered his hand which Tracy took. 'Because that's all you have to give.'

Despite Dick being known for being Mr Chatterbox both in and out of costume, today he was a man of very little words. His piece said, he offered nothing else in the way of conversation and just stood up, dragging Tracy with him. Without explanation, he walked back through the main entrance and lead her to his brother's room. Dick even hung back when Tracy paused just outside to receive handover off her colleague. Keeping a respectful distance so whatever was passed between the nurses remained confidential. Once they had finished, Dick thanked the day staff before moving to open Jason's door for Tracy.  
Tracy walked through to see Alfred sat by Jason's side crooning softly to him, holding the boy's hand tightly in his own. Frowning slightly, Tracy listened to the words the man was speaking, they were foreign. Pausing, she cocked her head to try and decipher the language. Noticing her hesitance, Dick stopped and took hold of her hand.  
'Jay wants to see you Nurse. He's been asking.' 

Although Dick was now calmer, she could see the wariness in his eyes. In truth, the only reason he was letting her in the room was because of his brother's wishes, and probably Alfred.  
The butler lifted his head and smiled in greeting, taping Jason's hand he moved over to her.  
'Un minuto, Jason.'  
'Spanish?'   
Suddenly recognising the language, she shot a quizzical gaze at Dick and Alfred.  
'That's right, Nurse Carter. Jason is fluent in English, but he thinks in Spanish.' Alfred informed her, noting the nurse's surprise, he shook his head. 'I assume Master Jason never informed you?'  
'No, he didn't I-' Cutting off, Tracy looked over at Jason who had closed his eyes. Despite his intelligence, Dr Leland and the rest of the staff had started to wonder if something cognitive was going on. Jason sometimes lost his words and became frustrated. Sure, most of the time it was him struggling to process what it was he was feeling, but it was more than that. Sometimes she could be trying to communicate with him and nothing would be understood. It made sense now. It was a language barrier not a cognitive difficulty. When someone was ill, in pain or distressed it was quite common for the ability to translate language to be lost. It made so much more sense now, Jason groggily getting angry and frustrated in the morning when he wanted a cup of tea, but not being able to express his needs. It had all been overshadowed by her trying to treat his diagnosis. She had just assumed English was the dominant language.

Nodding, Tracy smiled and walked over to Jason's side, despite being in conversation with Alfred moments ago he seemed to have drifted off.  
'Jason?'  
A pair of teal eyes blinked open at the sound of his name and Tracy's heart warmed when they sparked in recognition.  
' Usted hablar Español.'   
Jason's eyes widened and he turned away, a blush blossoming across his cheeks and Tracy was both relieved at the sight of good blood circulation and concerned by the reaction.  
'Jason?' Sitting down in the chair, Tracy ducked her head to catch his eye and smiled in reassurance.  
' Usted hablar Español.' She repeated softly, and Jason lifted his head to look at her.  
'Hacer usted hablar Español?' Jason muttered, his voice dry and hoarse but God the relief to hear that voice again. Shrugging, Tracy pinched together her fingers slightly.  
'Un poco de Español.' She replied 'Stu does though?'  
'Stu?' 

Nodding, Tracy's eyes shot to the bedrail when she heard a handcuff dragging along the bar, of course, Jason was awake now. It took her a second to realise what he was trying to achieve. Taking his hand gently, she ran her thumb over the back of it with a soft smile.  
'It's okay to speak Spanish. Hablar Español.'   
Tracy winced at her piss poor attempt of speaking the language and just hoped Jason was coherent enough to understand.  
Jason frowned and shook his head.   
'No.'  
'Por qué?'  
Tracy squeezed Jason's hand silently, Jason just shook his head and looked out into the room again.  
'Dickie?'  
No sooner had Jason said his name, Dick was by his side. He muttered words Tracy couldn't understand and Jason's fast flurry in response had her feeling quite alienated. Exactly how Jason must have felt all these months when at his most vulnerable. 

Looking up, Dick caught her eye and shook his head.  
'I'm sorry. I didn't think. I read his admission information, gave you most of it. I didn't think about the Spanish. I'm sorry. I should have known Jason wouldn't tell anyone.'  
Dick exchanged a wary look with Jason who huffed and closed his eyes. Clearly wanting to block what Dick was going to say out and Tracy braced herself for the worst.  
'Jay, Little Wing, he, Catherine was a huge influence on him. She predominantly spoke Spanish and it was her who taught Jason to talk, he learnt English second. Willis well, he wasn't too happy about that. When he lost Catherine? Jay repressed it and, I should have remembered. I'm sorry.'  
Swallowing, Tracy forced a bright smile and nodded, glancing up at Dick as she did so.  
'That's quite alright.' She replied, looking back down at Jason who was still pretending to be asleep. 'I'm sorry this happened Jay. Estoy triste.'

Jason's brow creased a little and he blinked open his eyes to peer at her curiously, looking from Dick to Tracy as if trying to work something out.  
'Huh?'  
'She is sorry. For putting you in hospital, Little Wing.' Dick replied, loudly and slowly as if Jason were deaf before saying something else in Spanish Tracy assumed was a repetition of what he'd just said. She really was regretting not being worse at driving during her lessons with Mr Mendoza.  
Either way, this just seemed to confuse Jason even more and he looked over to Alfred for further explanation, but just received a pat on the shoulder.  
'Try not to fret Sir. I assume you remember what transpired?'  
Nodding, Jason's frown deepened and he rubbed at his forehead.  
'I wasn't well. Trace gave me medication. I dunno, it's fuzzy.'  
'It was medication you hadn't taken before Little Wing. It almost killed you. It's Tracy's fault.' Dick pointed out in frustration, his voice just below shouting and he received a warning look off Alfred. Tracy pursed her lips and looked away for a moment to compose herself before turning back to Jason. The boy somehow managed to look even more confused and seemed on the verge of tears himself.

'I-I don't understand.' Jason croaked, swallowing, he turned away and Tracy thought he didn't understand why she would hurt him. 'Trace tried to help me? N-not her fault. Everyone was busy. There was a lot of noise tonight. Very busy. Not enough staff. Tracy tried her best.' Jason explained in broken, breathy sentences. Apparently he still thought it was last night.  
No one moved to correct him. Dick's anger was still bubbling away beneath the surface and he startled when Jason's fingers brushed against his. Taking his brother's hand, Dick shook his head, tears plopping onto his cheeks.  
'I almost lost you again.'  
Nodding, Jason squeezed his hand and a small smile tugged at his lips.  
'I always come back. Don't. It was accident.'  
Shaking his head, Dick pressed his lips to his brother's hand.  
'You don't understand Jay.'  
'Yes he does? Todd is not an imbecile, Grayson.' Damian cut in, striding into the hospital room as if he owned it. He passed coffees to Dick, Alfred and Tracy before handing over a juice box similar to the one he'd been given in the car to Jason. 'Even if he is a Bedlamite. Here, I doubt you have recovered enough co-ordination to manage a hot beverage. Therefore, I have taken the liberty of purchasing flavoured, sugared water for you.'  
Jason accepted the juice box with an arched eyebrow.  
'It's called juice, Moron.'

Scoffing, Damian took a sip of his tea and wrinkled his nose. 'You are mistaken. Juice comes from fruit and I am certain the liquid in that box has never even seen fruit.'  
Jason smiled, his eyes dancing in amusement as he took a huge gulp of juice just to prove a point.  
'Do you know what a Bedlamite is?' Jason asked, smirking when Damian took a thoughtful sip of his tea and shrugged.  
'Of course. Bedlamite. An insane person or a lunatic. It derives from the inmates of the English asylum, Bedlam. In the past, the rich could pay a fee to view the Bedlamites like you would an attraction.' Pausing, Damian peered over the rim of his paper cup with a vicious smirk. 'We had similar practices over here before it was done away with. It is a shame, for I would pay any price for the opportunity to poke you with a stick.'  
Tracy raised a disapproving eyebrow and opened her mouth to correct Damian, appalled that such a thing could come out of a 10 year old's mouth.   
A familiar, yet odd, sound caught her attention though, and she dashed back over to Jason side. He had spat a mouthful of juice out onto the sheets and appeared to be struggling to breathe, choking.   
'Jay?' She asked, moving to help him just as his mouth burst open and Jason, laughed. Not the small, bitter, sarcastic chuckles he usually gave but a full on belly laugh that brought tears to his eyes. She didn't know what to do. Damian was chuckling along with his brother completely clueless as to what he had just accomplished. Dick was just stood staring at Jason with a slack jaw, too shocked to react.

There was a gentle sigh. Alfred gently pressed against Jason shoulder, encouraging his wayward charge to lie back down.  
'I see we still have the same vulgar sense of humour, Sir.'  
Chuckling, Jason huffed a breath, weariness becoming apparent in his expression. Turning his head he offered Alfred a half smile.  
'I didn't want to see you. Thank you.'   
Sighing again, Alfred shook his head and brushed the hair from Jason's forehead with a soft smile.  
'Enough of that nonsense Master Jason. You know I shall not stand for it. Now, it is time to rest, Sir.' Alfred watched the apprehension cloud Jason's eyes and patted his shoulder again. 'If I may be so bold Sir? If you have ever listened to a word I have said, you listen to me now. A true soldier does not fight because he hates what's in front of him but because he loves what's behind him. Do not forget the reasons for why you fought, for it is those reasons that will guide you through this battle. Get well soon, Master Jason.'  
Jason frowned and opened his mouth to reply but Alfred shushed him softly and took hold of the boy's hand with a warm smile.

'I wish to hear that you slept in the nurses' report in the morning, Sir.' Alfred instructed, leaning down, he pressed his lips close to his charge's ear. 'Don't open your hand until your brothers have left. This belongs to you.'   
With that he straightened and strode towards the door with purpose and gave Dick and Damian a very authoritative look.  
'Say your farewells, young sirs. Your brother needs his rest.'  
Neither boys even attempted to argue and turned to say goodbye to Jason. On his way out, Dick caught hold of Tracy's arm and pulled her out of the hospital room with him.  
'Who prescribed the Haloperidol, Nurse? Tell me, I'll only find out another way and I'd rather not waste my time.'  
Swallowing, Tracy pulled her arm free and tilted her chin up in defiance.  
'I suggest you go home and sleep. I wish to speak with Dick and today you are not him.' Dropping her voice, Tracy glanced up and down the ward to check for eves droppers. 'Call me, when you are Jason's Dickie. Until then, I suggest you go home, Batman.'  
Frowning, Dick shook his head and stormed off grumbling under his breath. Tracy took no heed and span on her heel to go back to Jason's side.

Jason was staring at his outstretched hand, tears rolling silently down his cheeks.   
'Jay?' Tracy called softly, wondering what on earth could have upset him so suddenly.  
'I-I didn't know.' Jason mumbled, eyes glued to what was in his hand. Frowning, Tracy remembered Alfred taking hold of it before he left and her stomach dropped. Rounding the bed, she tried to see but he clenched his fist and pulled it too his chest protectively.  
'Don't take it. Please, please don't take it. There's no pin in it. It's been removed. Please don't take it Tracy! Please!' Jason begged, more tears pouring down his cheeks as he let out a heartbroken sob, terrified that whatever it was he had would be confiscated. Whatever was in Jason's hand, he wasn't supposed to have it, and he knew damn well that was the case. It clearly meant something to him but then she'd seen similar reactions from patients trying to hide items like cocaine.   
'Jay? I understand you don't want me to take it, but I need to see what you have in your hand.'  
'No!'  
'Jay, if you don't show me, I will have to call the restraint team from Arkham to come. After last night? I really don't want that to happen and I know you don't either. Please show me what is in your hand.' Tracy replied calmly, watching the anguish on Jason's face. He clenched his fist tighter around his prize and closed his eyes, running his options through his head.

'Jay, please?' Tracy tried again to coax him into opening his hand, crouching down she looked up at him hopefully. After a moment, Jason blinked open tearful eyes and nodded slowly.   
'Please don't take it.' He pleaded one final time, before shakily opening his hand to let the nurse see what Alfred had given him. Gasping, Tracy couldn't help but raise a hand to her mouth in shock.  
There sat in the palm of Jason's hand was a medal. A silver cross hung on a white ribbon with a purple stripe down the middle.  
'It's Alfred's.' Jason explained, pointing out the butler's name and date of issue engraved on the back. 'I didn't know.'  
Swallowing thickly, Tracy leaned closer to inspect the medal but didn't recognise it. It was British, which made sense as it belonged to Alfred.  
'Do you know what the medal is for?' She asked, watching Jason run a shaking finger over the cross before nodding.  
'It's a Military Cross. It's given for exemplary gallantry. I didn't know.' Jason explained, shooting another pleading look up at Tracy. 'Please don't take it.'

Pursing her lips, Tracy sighed, eyes searching the hospital room before looking at Jason again.  
'How about we put it on the bedside table? Hm? You don't want to lose it or anything in bed do you?'  
'He said it was mine now?' Shaking his head, fresh tears appeared and Jason's hand closed around the medal once more. Jason's bottom lip trembled as he looked up at Tracy who just nodded with those eyes he swore always seemed to understand.   
'I don't feel good. My head hurts Trace, and my arms and legs.' Jason mumbled as he watched the nurse place the medal down on his table before smiling at him again.  
'That's normal after what happened Jay. You need to rest to feel better.'  
'Where's my bag?' Jason suddenly asked, eyes scanning the room. Frowning, Tracy cocked her head at him in confusion.  
'What bag Jay?'  
'Voy a la escuela!' Jason mumbled, trying to sit up before lying back with a groan and clutching his head.  
'You're going to school?'  
'Si. I need my school bag? It's gots to be here someplace. Bruce will blow a blood vessel if I skip class again.'  
Closing her eyes, Tracy took a deep breath. At least Jason's periods of lucidity seemed to be longer than she had expected.


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So ... I've had a few requests for Tim ... so as I'm nice ... I put him on a plane x

It had been a couple of hours since Jason's family had gone home. Slowly, Jason became less confused and was fascinated by the foley. He told her that Esam came to empty it. Tracy knew the name but couldn't picture who he was talking about. Either way the nurse had made an impression, as like when Jason would only really ever talk about Tracy or Stu when he discussed Arkham with Dick, this Esam apparently was the only nurse in the ICU. Sadly though, the benefits of Jason becoming more lucid also brought the negative side of Jason realising more about his situation.

Tracy arched an eyebrow when she spotted Jason slip his free hand beneath the blankets, a frown of concentration furrowing across his brow.  
'Jay?' She called softly, noting the tugging movements around his groin. 'Jay, leave the foley alone or the other hand gets handcuffed too, and neither of us want that do we?'  
The movements stopped and Jason blinked up at her in confusion, fear filtering into his gaze and his breathing picked up.  
'Tracy' Jason practically whined, closing his eyes tightly shut and Tracy was taken aback for a moment. That wasn't the reaction she had been expecting.  
'Jay? What's wrong?' She asked before remembering what she'd just learnt. '¿Como estãs?'  
'C-Clothes. Gone.' Jason muttered, screwing up his face tightly, his body went as rigid as it had done when he'd reacted to the Haldol.  
'Jay, hand. Give it to me.'  
Nodding, the hand retreated from groping himself and reached out for the nurse, who took it with a gentle squeeze.  
'Jay, you were very poorly yes?'

Nodding, Jason opened his eyes fully and looked around the room.  
'Dickie said that's why I'm in hospital. A proper hospital, not our one.'  
Smiling, Tracy nodded and squeezed his hand.  
'You were very poorly Jason. You're in the ICU of Gotham General.'  
Jason's eyes widened in shock and he turned to look at her quizzically.  
'ICU? You go here when you're dying.'  
'You're not dying.' Tracy said firmly, before softening her tone again. 'At our hospital, Arkham, you were given a new medication. It made you very poorly Jay, it's very rare but it happened. You have no clothes on because the doctors needed to treat you. To make sure you got better.'  
'Hands. I can feel all the hands.' Jason whined, tears dropping onto his cheeks and Tracy shushed him. Squeezing his hand again, she smiled reassuringly when he looked at her and motioned towards the bed.  
'You have blankets covering you Jason. Lots of blankets. Too keep you warm and, and safe.'  
Swallowing thickly, Jason glanced down at his blankets, as if checking that they were still there before nodding slowly.  
'Si.'  
'Si.' Tracy agreed with a smile, watching her patient look around his hospital room again. Taking a deep shaky breath, he closed his eyes tightly.  
'Dickie shouted. Said he was scared.'

Humming, Tracy ran her thumb over the back of Jason's hand.  
'I can imagine, you gave all of us a fright.'  
'I'm scared.' Jason admitted, his voice just above a whisper. Tracy opened her mouth to provide reassurance before realising that he hadn't finished speaking. Jason was looking for his words before he eventually gave up and sighed in defeat.  
‘N-no, quiero morir.  
Tracy's brow furrowed as she watched a couple of tears emerge and roll down cheeks too pale still compared to Jason's usual sun kissed complexion.  
'Die? You don't want to die?' Tracy asked hesitantly, and her heart skipped a beat when Jason nodded slowly, apparently surprised that he'd been understood.

During Jason's time in her care, Tracy had only observed a careless disregard when it came to his own mortality. A wish more than true suicidal ideation with no active urge to complete suicide, but if Jason wanted to do something, the risk of dying was not a deterrent. Tears of her own threatened to fall but she was determined to keep up a professional air and instead reached for the tissues and handed Jason a couple.  
'Jay, you're going to be okay sweetie. You've been so brave today. I know this is going to sound weird and you're probably gonna shout at me, but you don't know how pleased I am to hear that.'  
Jason coughed slightly, which could have debatably been a chuckle, and he reached up to rub his neck with a small smile.  
'Can't shout. Breathing tube made my throat sore.'  
'Jay can't shout at me? Boy, I'd better cash in on this while I can.'  
Jason gave another small cough and shot her a very mischievous look.  
'Dunna worry Trace. Can still shout. In my head.'  
'Oh. Okay. Well, in that case you need to lower your voice young man! This is a hospital and there are sick people trying to sleep.'

Jason lay back against his pillows with a smirk before his eyes did another round of the room and he shook his head.  
'I dunna like this hospital, when can I go back to our hospital?'  
'Tomorrow, as long as you're well enough. I suspect the doctor shall come see you after breakfast, then Esam will come remove your foley and cannula. I don't know when you'll get back to Arkham it depends on how busy the ICU is. Stu will be on shift though.' Tracy explained, knowing that if the poor staff at Gotham General were to get any peace Jason needed an action plan to follow. Jason seemed to except this and cast a hesitant glance towards his crotch before full on glaring at it.  
'Why they put one in anyway? I can pee just fine!'  
Sighing, Tracy reached out and took hold of Jason's hand again with a soft smile.  
'No one is saying you can't. You have been very poorly Jay, you're kidneys took a good bashing. It helps the doctor monitor your output so they can see if your getting better.'  
Jason paused for a moment, before nodding slowly and Tracy squeezed his hand in reassurance.  
'It's okay. When Esam comes to remove it, everything is done under a sheet so no one can see. The only caveat is that once you get back you're going to hate us for making you drink your own body weight in fluids and go to the bathroom every two hours for eight hours.'  
Tracy watched the boy take in all this new information but he did seem accepting of it all, except the peeing every two hours, Jason did not look overly thrilled by that.

Jason finally dozed off at around midnight. It had been a struggle for him but Tracy could understand the staffs' reluctance to administer any non essential drugs after his reaction to the Haldol. Thinking that that might be it now until morning, Tracy dug out her book and settled in for a long wait. It was the issue with spending a night shift by a patient's bed in hospital. At least in Arkham she had a million and one things to keep her busy, here her only duty was to help the ward staff care for Jason. So if he was asleep, she still couldn't leave his side and there was nothing else for her to do. It's hard to stay awake sat in a chair all night with just a book for distraction. Jason mumbled slightly in his sleep and rolled over onto his side, hands tucked up beneath his chin, the blankets riding down to only just keep his dignity. Tracy smiled softly, pleased beyond words to see him adopt his usual sleeping position. Setting her book down on the bedside table, she got up and tucked his blankets back up over his shoulders. Jason grunted and bristled, clearly sensing someone was close to him but Tracy just shushed him gently.  
'It's Tracy, Jay. Just Tracy. I'm fixing your blankets.'  
Another small grunt and Jason relaxed back down into his pillows with an exhausted sigh. Tracy's heart broke for the boy. It was never ending for him, one thing after another and yet here he was, still ticking along, still fighting in his own way. Tracy could understand what Stu had said about how nursing Jason made him feel humble.

'That's it, sleep tight Jay.' Tracy whispered, before moving to settle herself back in her chair with a book. A short while later, a dark figure lingered in front of the window of Jason's room, silently observing. The figure didn't look menacing but Tracy frowned none the less and peered over her book. They were male, short, but they weren't a doctor, the silhouette clearly showed that they were wearing a cape. At first she considered it to be Dick or Damian calling by to check on their brother, but the figure was too tall or too short to be either of them. They just kept staring, standing so still they looked almost unreal.  
Deciding that enough was enough, Tracy placed down her book and strode of to the door with as much authority as she could muster.  
The figure jumped when she creaked open Jason's door and she was surprised to see not a man but a boy. He wore the same black cape that Dick did but beneath that was a red tabard with a bird symbol on it.

'Can I help you Sir? My patient is trying to sleep. Visiting hours ended at 18.00 so I am going to have to ask you to leave.' Tracy spoke in a hushed whisper that held a tone that left no room for argument.  
The boy nodded but didn't stop staring at a sleeping Jason.  
'My apologies. I had hoped to come sooner. But, I, well, I've been busy.' A smooth, young voice answered and Tracy inclined her head to observe the stoic stranger.  
'You know my patient Sir?'  
'I do. Forgive me, I did not wish to cause you alarm nurse. Please, return to your patient’s side and I shall leave.' The boy replied, finally looking away to give Tracy a nod that seemed to be of gratitude. 'He likes you, I can tell. Please pass on my best wishes for a hasty recovery.'  
With that, the masked boy cast one final look at Jason before keeping his word and turning to leave.  
'Who may I say sends my patient his best wishes?'  
Pausing, the boy seemed conflicted as to how or if he should answer. Tracy watched his movements carefully. They were slow, robotic in nature. Combined with the very flat tone of voice Tracy would expect such mannerisms from someone on the brink of exhaustion or in the depths of a very severe depression.  
'Red Robin.' 

Red Robin. Robin. It couldn't be?  
'Timothy?' Tracy whispered, watching in stunned shock when the boy froze and turned to stare at her. 'Is that right? You are Timothy? Jason's brother?'  
The boy turned back to look at Jason again.  
'I doubt that is a term he would use to describe me.' Tim replied simply, before making as if to walk away again but halted when a hand touched his shoulder.  
'Would you like to see him? He is sleeping but if you promise to let him rest?' Tracy offered, smiling warmly in the hopes of persuading him to stay. It wasn't just facilitating him to visit his brother, the entire aura of this boy rang all her warning bells. The boy didn't react for a long time before inclining his head stiffly.  
'If you would permit it.'  
Pursing her lips, Tracy nodded and opened the door wider to allow him entry. Watching the boy step cautiously into the room, Tracy quickly hung the don't disturb sign on the door and drew the blinds. Tim noticed her actions and nodded, his eyes travelling once again back to Jason.  
'Thank you. I appreciate the privacy.'  
'No problem. Would you like to sit nex-'  
'I would prefer to stand nurse, but thank you.'

Nodding, Tracy still left the chair vacant just incase he changed his mind later on.  
'Very well, um, my name's Trace-'  
'Tracy Carter. Staff Nurse at Arkham. You were a survivor of the Cataclysm along with Stuart Painter, your best friend and occasional lover, who is also your colleague. You have been at Arkham ever since qualifying, though I can't imagine why. Stuart joined you last year.' Tim replied with a smirk, pulling off his cowl he turned to level her with a very firm stare.'Dick contacted me about you. Trust me when I say I have done my research. I know every dark little secret, even your inside leg measurement.'  
Tracy couldn't help but stare for a moment. She wasn't looking at a teenage boy, she was looking at a ghost. Raven hair just like Jason's, hung in long unkempt clumps, framing a face that was deathly pale and the blue of his eyes almost lost beneath dark circles that had been there for a long time.  
'Are you threatening me?' She finally managed to vocalise, watching blue eyes look straight back her with such an emptiness it sent a shiver down her spine.

'Not at all, nurse. I am merely evening out the playing field. That way we both know where each of us stands. I am of the belief that Jason has been thriving beneath your care and your credentials back up this claim, but I promise you, I am watching.'  
'You care for your brother after-'  
'He tried to kill me. Multiple times.' Tim replied just as blankly, his gaze pulling away from her to settle on his sleeping brother. 'Why is he here?'  
Frowning, Tracy stepped closer to Jason and rested a hand gently on his, a protective gesture she hadn't even realised she was doing until she had done it.  
'He had an adverse drug reaction. Does- Dick knows you're here? That's why you're here instead of Arkham.'  
Tim chuckled and Tracy bit back a shudder. This boy frightened her. Not because she thought he posed any harm to herself or Jason, more the harm he posed to himself. The life had been sucked out of his features and all that remained was bitter and so mind numbingly sad.

'Ah, my brother? I heard you'd been getting cosy with him. No, Dick does not know of my return to Gotham as yet, but he will do. I just- I had to see Jason first. Make sure he was safe. It was easy enough to pick up his transfer details to Gotham General once I discovered his cell empty and dishevelled.' He explained as if he were teaching a two year old the ways of the world and Tracy took a deep calming breath. Her eyes fixed on the boy as he slowly glided to Jason's side and hesitantly reached out to brush a hand through Jason's hair, almost as if saying goodbye.  
'Why did you have to see Jason first? Timothy?'  
The boy didn't answer he just stood and stared at Jason as if in wonder.  
'I believe you have safeguarding procedures in place regarding a Talia al Ghul? Her father, Ras, is on the move. I will not risk your life with the details but Jason is to receive no visitors aside from my brothers and Bruce, understand? His life depends upon it and I-I need to know he is safe to do what I need to do.' Tim informed her, his lips tight and thin and Tracy did not like it one bit.

'Bruce is dead Timothy? What do you need to do?' She asked, eyes assessing the teenager’s every move. A small smile tugged at his lips and if Tracy wasn't mistaken the boy looked calm, like he had made peace with the world and her stomach twisted.  
'I'm going to save everyone and Bruce's business. All of it. And your mistaken nurse, Bruce isn't dead. You'll see, this is all going to be okay.' Tim explained to her, flicking a look up at the nurse quizzically. 'Can Jason hear me?'  
Shrugging, Tracy fought to not express her worry for the teen and looked down at Jason sleeping soundly. He was sucking ever so slightly his thumb as he was prone to doing when deeply asleep.  
'Yes and no? Jay is just sleeping Timothy. He woke up this afternoon, he's a little confused but he is recovering well. He should be discharged back to Arkham tomorrow.'  
Tim's shoulders visibly sagged in relief, apparently knowing that his brother was out of the woods medically was of comfort to him. Without a word, he leaned closer and studied his brother's sleeping face with a guarded yet fond expression.

'Jason? Jay? I don't know if you can hear me but, it's Tim? The erm, the replacement? I just, I'm in the country and I came to say hi, but you're sleeping so- anyway, rambling, sorry. I always admired you Jason, before you died? You were my Robin. I’ve got so many pictures of you, smiling and laughing. Pictures aren't quite the same as the real deal though huh? Look, I just wanted to say that I forgive you. I f-forgive you and I just need to let you know that you gotta forgive yourself. I replaced you, I get it, I always did. You're not the only one who knows the darkness Jason. Just, just get better yeah? Be a brother to Dick and Damian and Cass. I know you'll be the best big brother. I always imagined what it would be like to have you as a brother. Stay safe y'hear me?'  
Tim rambled away, tears rolling silently down his cheeks, he didn't notice Jason's brow furrow and how he turned out of the pillow slightly to peer up at him.

'T-Tim?'  
The groggy voice dragged Tim out of his mind and he just stared back dumbly for a few moments.  
'You- you said my name!'  
'Are you real Tim? Please say you're real this time?' Jason mumbled, reaching out a trembling hand towards him.  
Tim jolted back with a shake of his head.  
'This time? You said my name!'  
'Tim!' Tracy called out, dashing after the teen as he turned tail and fled the room in tears. By the time she made it out to the corridor Tim was gone. It was useless calling for security to find the distressed boy. They'd never catch him.

'Trace? What's going on? Was that Tim?' Jason immediately asked when the nurse dashed back inside his room wearing the same expression she wore when the shit hit the fan on the ward. At least on the ward she could do something. Sitting down in the chair, she pressed lightly on Jason's shoulder to discourage him from getting up, hushing him with a calmness she didn't have.  
‘Tim came to see you.’  
‘Tim?’  
Nodding, Tracy glanced back at the door before straightening Jason's blankets in an attempt to just have something to do, to do something.  
‘Yes. Hush now, if you want out of this bed you need to rest to get better Jay. Close your eyes.’  
Jason swallowed thickly and searched Tracy’s eyes suspiciously, worry hovering around the edges of his expression.  
‘He-he don't look good. D-Dickie? Where's Dick?’

‘At home. Shush, it's alright Jay. I'm going to call Dick okay? Let him know Tim’s back.’ Tracy soothed, feeling a little relieved that at least Jason had an idea of what to do. It was a waste of time calling the GCPD. What was she going to say? Even if they believed her, they wouldn't even attempt to find a Bat. Jason was only with them because Dick ensured it. Dick could find Tim though, or Alfred.  
‘You! No, he needs you!’  
Rolling her eyes, Tracy smiled at Jay fondly, pacifying him with that knowledge if that's what settled him again.  
‘Okay. I’ll call Dick and ask him to find Tim and send him to me.’  
Jay visibly relaxed back down into the pillows, focusing on the door as his eyelids grew heavy.  
‘I didn't- say sorry. Even if he hates me.’

 

Night slowly drifted into the early morning and Tracy straightened Jason's blankets and refilled his water jug before whispering her goodbyes into his ear. The young man grunted and mumbled something intelligible and Tracy figured he was lost in dreamland. For once his dreams had not disturbed him but brought him the rest he so desperately needed. Collecting her bag, Tracy handed over to the day staff and made her way out of the unit to head to the haven of her own bed.  
‘Excuse me? Nurse Carter?’  
Halting, Tracy suppressed a groan and turned to see the charge nurse jogging up to her. Esam, she vaguely remembered him now from nursing school. From what she could recall he had always been on the ball and was meticulous about details.  
‘Mr Doe has been my assignment.’ Esam explained, and Tracy was ever thankful for her nurse face to hide her despair at the perfectionist being the one caring for her enigma of a patient. Jason was pretty much a rabbit warren an overly eager nurse could easily wind up lost in.  
‘I've just come off duty. There is an escort with Jay now who'd be happy to speak-‘  
‘They told me to speak to you? You're Mr Doe’s named nurse? I- I must speak with you, it's protocol and I cannot discharge him until it has taken place.’

Tracy sighed and nodded wearily. Esam top of the class and always on top of his paper work. Arkham would break the poor lad within a week. Without a word, she followed Esam into an interview room and sat down at the table. Tracy eyed up Jason's medical notes in the nurse’s hands, she had hoped her telling off for fucking up and almost killing a man would have taken place at Arkham.  
‘Nurse Carter, may I call you Tracy? I remember you from training.’ Esam greeted her with a small, warm smile and Tracy arched an eyebrow.  
‘That is my name, Esam. Also, Jay will probably stop glaring evils at you if you also stop the Mr Doe and call him Hood or Jay.’  
Esam swallowed and nodded along as if the thought that the reason his patient refused to cooperate was something so simple hadn't occurred to him. A soft hum, left his lips and he flipped open Jason's notes. It was an expected action, but Tracy couldn't help but wonder why he was looking in the investigations section and not the clinical notes.  
‘Tracy, there's no easy way to say this so I'm just going to say it okay?’  
‘Okay?’ Tracy’s eyebrow raised higher, maybe this wasn't the predicted telling off?

Esam chewed on his bottom lip, just like Jason did when he was uncomfortable, before he took a deep breath and apparently decided to go for it.  
‘This isn't about the circumstances of which Mr-Jay was admitted. During his examination and treatment I, well, I have made a rather concerning discovery.’  
Oh shit on a stick.  
Tracy swallowed and tried hard not to look panicked. Esam was thorough, thorough than thorough.  
‘There's, severe scarring Tracy.’  
‘Scarring? Esam he's the Red Hood. A vigilante. I know about the scarring.’  
Esam blinked in surprise and flicked back to the copies of all safeguarding and over relevant paper work Arkham had sent over in confusion.  
‘Oh. It's just, I see no further safeguarding reports other than that of a woman? The events that took place that the patient disclosed does not account for the scarring?’  
‘What? Esam I've just told you, the scarring is typical of that of a vigilante. Yes a bit more violent than is expected from-‘  
‘Anal scarring is typical of that of a vigilante? You may be psych Tracy but I work in Gotham too? Us general nurses do have some understanding you know?’

 

Tracy almost choked. She remembered what was in Jason's letter, his and Bruce's secret. Esam took her reaction to mean that she did not know and he nodded sadly.  
‘The scarring in extensive but old, very old. Concerningly old. The boy must be around eighteen at a guess? At the time, so young, it must have been awfully painful I -‘ breaking off, Esam visibly shuddered before closing Jason's notes. ‘I'm just informing you that I have reported my findings and I have forwarded it on to the GCPD.’  
‘GCPD?’  
Shaking his head, Esam stood and shrugged a shoulder.  
‘I may be more knowledgeable about the boy's pipes and tubes but I know the stats Tracy. I know that the mentally ill are more likely to be victims of crime than the perpetrators of it. With the scarring and his presentation I had no choice. I'm sure you agree?’

Tracy nodded but avoided meeting Esam’s eyes. Of course she agreed. She should have done the same herself when Jason gave her that damn letter but, hadn't. In truth, wasn't she as bad as Bruce? She too had kept a secret that ought not to be kept. Sure, it was in the past but was five years minimum really that long ago? She should have known about the scarring. Should have suspected it.  
‘Tracy? Are you okay? This must have come as a shock. Would like a coff-‘  
‘No. No I'm fine. Thank you, for bringing this to my attention. All I ask is that you contact GCPD again and ask them to hold off for a while. I-I need time to, to talk with Jay. He needs to know what's going to happen, wouldn't you?’

Esam nodded, his lips thinned into a grim expression.  
‘I didn't think of that. Yes, I would be upset if someone asked about that kind of injury without former warning. I just followed protocol. Heh, that's why I work in the ICU Tracy. I think I work better with the unconscious.’  
Tracy smiled and got up to place a hand on her colleagues shoulder and squeezed lightly.  
‘We all have our strengths. You are a very talented nurse Esam. Jay likes you.’  
‘He does?’  
‘Mm hm. He knows your name and talked my ear off about you. If you want a smooth discharge my advice would be for you to remove the foley and complete any other intervention. Just go slow so he can see what's happening. Words don't help.’  
Esam nodded and a small relived smile tugged at his lips.  
‘I will. Thank you.’


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter isn't my best.  
> However, I really want to get things moving to get to the wnd for you guys!
> 
> I started this as a first year nursing student and now in my inal year so this fic is far over due being finished!
> 
> My love and thanks to all of you for sticking this out for so long!  
> I really do value every comment and kudos!  
> At difficult parts in my training and probably way beyond it. Reading your lovely comments brings a smile to my face so thank you!
> 
> First interview on saturday for a fully fledged staff nurse on a psychiatric intensive care ward!!  
> Wish me luck! Xxx

Jason's discharge back to Arkham went as smoothly as good be expected. Dick rocked up just before, giving Jason a tubberware of cookies that Alfred had made. He wasn't sure how many times now his brother had asked if they really were Alfred's cookies, but despite numerous reaffirming that they were, Jason still sniffed at the box and narrowed his eyes suspiciously. Esam, or at least that's what Jason called him, waltzed into the room and requested that Dick leave to allow him to prepare his patient for the transport back. Without question, Dick stood to comply with the nurse's request until Jason's fingers clutched his shirt sleeve tightly.  
‘Stay.’  
Dick swallowed and tried to explain that he had to leave to maintain his dignity but this just confused Jason. In truth, he understood why, Dick had seen him in states of undress, had seen him in worse physical states than he was now. Sure they were brothers, but they were also brothers in arms. Growing up in a family of vigilantes left little to the imagination. Given the choice, Jason would prefer for Dick to be the one between his legs removing the foley but thankfully his brother was lucid and knew that, that would look a little peculiar.  
‘If that's what Jay wants and you're okay with it Mr Grayson, I suppose you can stay.’ Esam said, moving to pull on gloves without a further word. There was something, off, about the nurse, almost as if he were feeling guilty.

‘Dickie!’ Jason whined, closing his eyes tightly shut when Esam went to lift the sheet to allow him access. As was now a common reaction, Dick was immediately holding Jason's hand tightly and peppering his forehead with kisses.  
‘That's it Jay. So brave, open your eyes and look at me Jay. That's it.’   
Dick smiled when teal eyes blinked up at him and he pressed his lips to his brother's head. As much as he hated knowing Jason's secret about Talia, he couldn't help but feel closer to him. There was a lot about Jason he couldn't even try to understand but now? Even if it would take a while to come to terms with, Dick had something he could understand.   
In a bid to distract his brother, Dick drummed up a conversation about Damian. Rambling on about what he'd been getting up to at school, about a picture he'd caught sight of in his sketchbook of King Arthur and his knights. Jason seemed to be listening but whilst Esam moved onto the cannula, Jason's became distracted by something else, ignoring Dick to stare at the window. Dick frowned and looked up to see if anyone was there but there wasn't and his heart sank. He prayed Jason wasn't becoming psychotic again, not after this fiasco.  
‘What are you looking at Jay?’  
‘You're keeping secrets. You look tired.’

Dick had no idea what his brother was going on about but despite now barely looking at him, Jason had kicked up unholy hell when Cash arrived with the secure transport. Demanding that Dick be allowed on it too. Cash had looked more than a little put upon about allowing Dick on too but he relented in the end. Jason just grinned at being given what he wanted and allowed Cash to take him into the van without any further protest.  
‘Hey Jay.’  
‘What?’  
‘I got a new song on me phone want to listen?’  
‘Go on then.’  
A familiar introduction began playing and Dick raised and eyebrow, was Cash being serious? Shooting a look over to his brother he watched lips tug into a signature smirk and a mischief Dick remembered sparked up behind Jason's eyes.  
‘Living easy, Living free. Season ticket on a one-way ride.’ Cash sang in an obnoxious, jarring drawl that made both brothers wince.

'Aw no! Shut the hell up Cash you're ruining it!' Jason spat, but without any true venom as his smile grew. Jason didn't even last to the chorus before he was singing along as well. Loudly, but thankfully in tune compared to Cash.  
Dick blinked and just stared at the pair murdering the classic song, not quite believing this was happening. He was sitting and watching his little brother sing 'Highway to Hell' on route to Arkham.   
Cash sang and smiled back at Jason, who seemed to be enthralled by the little show of rebellion. Sporadically, Cash would lift his eyes to check on Dick before going back to distracting Jason.  
Dick smiled along and made sure to wink at Jay when he glanced over at him for approval, knowing a losing battle when he saw one he began to sing along too. Cash wasn't on Jason's ‘okay’ list, but like any of the staff at Arkham they all seemed to be able to settle Jason down and engage him more than his own family ever could. It felt wrong somehow that a group of complete strangers could get Jason to smile, but at the same time comforting.

The rest of the Wing were waiting for Jason's return and had even made paper chains that were draped across the nurses station. Jason blinked in surprise to whoops and cheers and took a step back before Cash pushed him lightly forwards.  
‘Chill ya beans, Kid. The nutters just missed ya crazy ass is all.’  
Dick blinked at this and turned to watch Jason smirk before nodding and making his way over to the nurses station where Stu was sat. Dick shook his head and trotted behind the pair, wondering when he'd be told to leave. He always thought Cash was a bit near the mark with the stuff he came out with but observing the man on the trip up, he did care for the patients in his own mildly offensive way.

‘Mr Grayson! If our boy alright?’   
Turning, Dick arched and eyebrow at Crane, Nigma and Tetch crowding around him like anxious children at story time, even Zsaz was hovering within ear shot.  
‘Um, yeah? Yeah, Jay is fine now. All ship shape and what not.’  
‘Oh thank goodness! I saw him being taken out of his cell. I did!’ Tetch said, his face the sheer definition of melodramatic despair.   
‘Did not!’ Nigma scoffed, crossing his arms he stuck his tongue out at him. ‘Jay’s cell is next to mine not yours. I'm the one who heard them bring the crash trolley!’  
Dick swallowed and backed up a little. The residents of high secure may take great delight in reliving the drama of Jason's collapse but Dick? Dick just wanted to stuff it into the black hole with everything else and forget it ever happened. Erase it.  
A hand landed on his shoulder and Dick startled for a moment before recognising Stu’s welcoming smile.  
‘Alright you lot, I'm sure everyone has a story to tell but not now guys eh? Hardly appropriate when the hero of the hour is stood right here.’  
The small troupe of villains all nodded and meandered away, each throwing a glance back at Dick as they did so.

Stu pressed a hand against his elbow and guided Dick further into the wing without saying a single word. Dick frowned down at the hand on his elbow but followed the nurse anyway. A rather disturbing thought hitting him that he had become used to the nurses at Arkham just taking him somewhere. Following them blindly around and doing as he was told. It was oddly, comforting. It was comforting to come here and just for a little while, not make the decisions. Dick never had been overly fond of making decisions. Which was a little odd, seeming that he made life and death decisions every night.  
‘Take your time, there's no rush.’ Stu finally spoke, halting outside a door Dick had spent so many hours sat in front of back when Jason had first come here. Stu had lead him to the cells. Blinking in surprise, Dick watched the nurse press his identity card to the lock and it buzzed open.  
‘But- visitors, visitors aren't allowed in the cells?’  
‘I won't tell if you won't.’ Stu assured him with a smile, before knocking on the door and pushing it open. ‘Jay? You decent dude?’  
‘Yeah.’ Came a groggy reply and Stu grinned back at Dick.  
‘I found a random hanging around the rec room. Can you keep an eye on him for me?’  
Before Dick could even process a reply he was pushed through the door.

It was gloomy. Lifting his head, Dick noticed some sort of blind on the window that Jason must have closed so the sunlight came through in lines. The cell was just like all the others he had seen. Single closet, desk, stool and a small bed all fixed to the floor. A mirror was set into the wall but looked more like reflective plastic than actual glass, well from what he could see from beneath the towel thrown over it. Dick frowned at this for a moment before remembering Jason muttering something about him seeing a man in the mirror during one visit. It had taken Dick the rest of the time to figure out that 'the man' was Willis, but he always had the suspicion that Jason was actually seeing himself. Eyeing up the mirror a final time, Dick concluded sadly that was probably the case, his brother just didn't recognise himself, probably expecting to still see a teenager. A sliding door was off to the right which Dick could only guess was a bathroom as he had never seen a communal one like they had at Blackgate. The nurses had to persuade Jason to wash somewhere after all. It was odd now, to remember his little brother underweight with greasy, thin hair. A paper bird caught his attention. Dick followed it to see that Jason had decorated his walls, just like the other patients had. Only his were plastered with all the arts and crafts they had made together and Dick’s heart clenched painfully in his chest, bringing tears to his eyes. Wiping at them with trembling hands he finally looked down at his brother, who was tucked up in bed beneath a small mountain of blankets.

Dick studied Jason for a few long moments, remembering Talia, remembering the Haldol. Taking in his messed up hair, the pale complexion and the dark shadows beneath his eyes. He looked so poorly Dick just wanted to take him up into his arms and take him away, carry him all the way home and tuck him into bed. Safe and warm.  
'Jay?' He called out, his voice barely above a whisper. Stirring, Jason prised open his eyes and gave his brother a small smile.  
'Still 'ere Dickface?'  
Nodding, Dick knelt down and stroked Jason's cheek, not quite registering how he bristled and the languid, trusting look sharpened.  
'Let me take you home Little Wing.'   
Dick knew this was a bad idea before the words even left his lips but he kept going, feeling Jason tense beneath him.  
'W-what.'  
Jason's voice was raspy and strained and served only to strengthen his brother's resolve who just cupped his cheek again.   
'I almost lost you again, Little Wing. Come home with me.'

Jason blinked and scrunched up his face, almost as if he was checking that he was still awake and not dreaming.  
'You -I'   
Closing his eyes, Jason turned his face into the pillow, fighting to try and find his words. Unlike in the past, he didn't want to upset Dick. However, he knew this proposition was emotionally charged and not thought through. Dick didn't want him home, not really, that's why he was here in the first place.   
'You're not a nurse.'  
'It was the nurses who did this to you! They hurt you Jay.' Dick growled, possessiveness rising up inside him like tsunami.  
'No. No. They tried to help. They, they weren't to know Id get sick. They tried their best, nurses are only human. It was an accident. It happens.'  
'No, no Jay. What happened was not okay!' Dick gawked, eyes widening at how quickly Jason had forgiven such an appalling malpractice. Why did the nurses get Jason's forgiveness but not his family?

'I ain't an idiot. I know, this isn't really about the nurses that's just your excuse Dick. This is about my death. Did B never tell you? I forgave him. I forgave him a long time ago.'  
'W-what about me?'   
The words were spoken before Dick knew it, dripping in desperation and laced in a want he didn't quite know what for.  
Sitting up a little, Jason hesitantly reached out and returned Dick’s action of stroking his cheek.  
'What have I got to forgive you for?'  
'F-for not being there. You blame me for putting you in here.' Dick explained, his brow furrowing in confusion at what this moment even was. He wanted his brother, to be close to him to just feel someone there. No one was there though and his brother was too far gone.  
'Yes.' Jason replied in a hushed tone, tears dropping onto his cheeks and his chin trembled. 'You put me in here. I need to be here Dickie, to get better, for you. I'm doing this for you Dickiebird. Just like you asked me to.’  
'But Little Wing, I-'  
'You never left me Richard. Not ever. You were there to back me up when I did that mission with the Titans, even yelled at B for me. You were the one who held out their hand to me when I came back. You got me help even though I didn't want it.' Searching his brother's eyes Jason shook his head in confusion. 'Please, tell me Dickie, when did you leave me? 'Cause I-I can't remember? I'm sorry but I don't remember that.’ 

Dick watched his brother settle down, pulling the covers up around himself, quite at home in his little cot that he could barely roll over in. And that didn't sit well with Dick.  
'Don't you want a more comfy bed to sleep in? More than just one lumpy pillow?’  
Snorting, Jason peered up at his brother with heavy eyelids.  
'I like this bed. This is the best bed I ever had. My first real bed was at Ma Gunn's, it was like this one but I got cold, not enough blankets. My bed at the manor was too big and too soft. I only slept in it to keep B and Alfred happy. They got cross if I slept on the floor. No, I like this bed, just enough room for me and just enough blankets. It's warm and cozy so there!'  
Knowing a losing battle when he saw one, Dick smiled fondly and ran his fingers through Jason's hair, who grumbled but didn't move away. Jason didn't need to be here anymore. He knew he could look after his brother now. Alfred was more than capable of carrying on the treatment he was still receiving. Dick had got his brother back and that was all he had wanted all he had barely dared to hope for.

However, Jason didn't like change. Sighing, Dick glanced up at the origami bird he had made. Jason had got used to being in Arkham. This was his normal now. He knew this little room, the rest of the ward outside, he knew the staff. Jason mentioned wanting to go home but there was a difference between idle wishing and actually wanting to do something. Jason never really stayed in the penthouse before he died. He didn't know the bedroom waiting for him there, he didn't know what the rest of the penthouse was like outside it, and even more painfully? Jason didn't know his family. Arkham was familiar, family was new.  
‘Okay.’ Dick breathed, he forced a smile. ‘Okay. Well, just so you know? I, no, Damian and I actually, we've done up a bedroom for you? I’ll bring in some pictures or something so you can see it yeah? Then, when, if, you want to come home just let me know and I’ll come get you.’  
Jason’s expression sharpened and he seemed to wake up a bit more. Sitting up, he gazed back at his brother owlishly. At first Dick thought he might have to translate what he had just said, that Jason was too tired to listen to English right now, but then Jason’s sucked in his lip and covered his ears with his hands.  
‘No! No you're lying! Don't lie to me!’

Dick frowned, that was the second time today that Jason had accused him of lying.  
‘I'm not lying to you Little Wing. At the penthouse, we got a room all ready for you! We painted it green, your favourite colour. Tracy said you liked your blankets so I got this red fluffy one, it's so soft Jay and, yeah, I’ll bring that in too. You can have it here. We all want you to come home Jay.’  
‘Even Tim?’  
Now it was Dick’s turn to blink owlishly. That had hit him out of the blue and he didn't know how to respond? He couldn't lie to him. He was already walking on thin ice with Jason with the whole lying thing.   
‘T-Tim?’  
‘Don't lie to me Dick. I know he's back. Tracy called you and told you to find him.' Closing tired eyes, Jason swallowed thickly and looked away. 'He- he was at the hospital last night. I know he was real this time!'  
Nodding, Dick forced a smile, his mind running circles trying to figure out how to respond to that, to explain. Sure Tracy had been the one to tip him off about Tim being back, but it hadn't occurred to him that his brother had gone to the hospital to see Jason. Why had Tim taken such a reckless risk? That wasn't like him.  
'Um, hold that thought Jay, okay? I just, I need to go find the bathroom.' Dick mumbled, emptying his bladder would at least buy him time to get his story straight. Jason raised an eyebrow before snorting and motioning towards the sliding door.  
'Use mine. Quicker than going back down the hall, I won't tell. You're not getting out of this!'

Dick was so focused on his task he didn't really take much in. He noticed the light switch on as he walked in, but he just shrugged it off and moved over to the toilet to do his business. It was only whilst finishing up and fixing his fly that Dick even realised he had a problem. There was no flush! Swallowing thickly, Dick gazed around the little bathroom feeling lost and a little bit panicky. He knew how Jason was with his tidiness and order, no way would he tolerate not having his toilet flushed. He spotted a sink with a bar of soap but no obvious taps, the only thing suggesting that there was even a shower was the drain situated in the middle of the dip in the floor and a shower head inserted into the ceiling. There was no shower curtain, no taps, no flush for the toilet.  
'How the hell do I flush this thing? Don't panic Dickie, I was the same first time I took a piss.'   
Jumping at the sound of his brother's voice, Dick turned to see Jason leaning against the door, smirking. Without a word, Jason walked past Dick and swept his hand over the black circle in the wall next to the toilet. Moments later, the toilet flushed and Dick stared.  
'Here, I'll show you how to work the sink, but be quick 'cause the water is on a timer.' Jason instructed, and Dick could only nod before picking up the bar of soap. He watched Jason swipe his hands over two back circles by the sink confidently. Water gushed out and he stepped back with a sharp command of 'Quick!'  
Nodding, Dick stepped up and washed his hands, drying them on the towel he looked around the strange bathroom again before looking up at his brother.  
'Thanks.'

Shrugging, Jason's cheeks tinged pink and he looked away shamefully, fingers toying with the hem of the pyjamas he'd changed into after arriving back.  
'S-sorry. You get used to it? I forgot. It's, so you can't- you can't' trailing off, Jason sucked in his bottom lip and closed his eyes tightly.  
Dick looked around the bathroom again with a new understanding, it was ligature proof, the utilities had motion sensors!  
'Hey, it's okay Little Wing. I think it's cool like, like a Star Wars bathroom! Better keep mom else Tim will be after the neighbouring cell!' Dick joked with a lopsided smile. Jason blinked in surprise and looked up at him quizzically, his presentation still anxious and unsure.  
'T-Tim likes Star Wars too?'  
Nodding, Dick forced a smile to hide his surprise that Jason was not only calling Tim by his name, but seemed to hold a genuine interest in him that didn't centre around a fixation of killing him, or making Tim his Robin, or some other wild idea.  
'Does- does he need a bathroom like mine? He- he acted odd, at the proper hospital. I think, I think I'm worried? Yeah, yeah I'm worried Dickie.'

Now was a good a time as any, Jason wasn't going to let him dodge out of talking about their brother and what had gone down last night. Reaching out, Dick took hold of Jason's hand and walked them both over to sit on the bed.  
'Tim got caught up with Ras. Something about him helping Tim find Bruce. Then, well, long story short, Tim got hurt. But he's okay Jay, I promise! I caught him.' Dick explained, deciding that it was probably best not to worry Jason even more by mentioning that Bruce might be alive after all and all the mess with Wayne Enterprises and Ras threatening everyone Tim ever loved. The fact that Tim visited Jason to ensure his safety suggested he was on that list and Dick wasn't too sure Jason was in the right place to deal with that.   
'Caught him?' Jason questioned, studying his brother quizzically, looking for any signs that he was being lied to. Dick swallowed and nodded slowly before plastering on a bright smile.  
'He fell out of a window. He knew he would lose the fight with Ras, but knew I'd be there to save him, because I'm his brother.' 

Jason paled and he swore his stomach was somewhere on the floor. Dick just sat there, squeezing his hand and smiling like everything was okay. It wasn't. Jason wanted to yell, to scream at his brother for lying, but he wasn't. Dick genuinely thought everything was okay, just another tussle, another day at the office. It wasn't.   
Closing his eyes, Jason tried to fight back the images and feelings of a younger Jason, a Jason he'd rather forget. Frightened of what was going on inside his head. Feeling alone, out of control and the only response he got was ‘benched’. Running away in search of his mother, of a hug.  
Felipe Garzonas’ face flashed in front of him, he was watching the man fall to his death, anger the only feeling.   
'Robin, did Felipe fall or was he pushed?' Bruce's voice boomed and Jason flinched, a small whine escaping his lips. He didn't know! He didn't know then and he didn't know now.  
Dick’s voice was somewhere above his head, calling his name but he couldn't reply, nausea twisted in his stomach. Did Tim fall? 

There was a banging, yelling, and Jason knew somehow it was Dick calling for a nurse. His stomach lurched before he could decide how he was going to respond to that and he ran back into the bathroom to vomit heartily into the toilet. Every time he thought he was done, more came, his body tensing and shaking with the exertion of it.   
Dick was somewhere. He could here his brother calling his name, but it was as if he were in another room and Jason couldn't answer him. Lost in images of Felipe falling, his face morphing to Tim's, his limbs burning as if they had been broken by the crowbar all over again.  
A firm hand rested on the small of his back, not moving, just applying a small, grounding pressure.  
'Jay? Can you hear me?'   
That was Stu's voice, that meant it had to be Stu's hand. Swallowing, Jason nodded his head, he could do that at least.  
'Good. That's real good Jay. You're doing so well. Can you try and take some deep breaths for me?'

The next think he knew, Jason was leant against Stu's chest, arms held tightly across his chest. He knew this hold, in some fucked up way he liked it. Letting out a shuddering breath, he let his head drop, vaguely aware of the disgusting mix of saliva and vomit dribbling down his chin. The grip on his arms loosened.  
'You good Jay?' Stu asked, and Jason swallowed thickly before nodding.  
'Dick? W-where's Dick?'   
Jason grimaced at the rasping croak that was now his voice.  
'I'm here. I'm right here Little Wing.' Dick called out softly, crouching down he reached out and collected a handful of toilet paper, wiping away the mess on his brother's chin. Jason nodded and rested his head back against Stu to look at him. Apparently quite happy to remain sitting on the floor with the nurse and Stu seemed to be pretty much okay with that.  
'What was that about Jay? I thought you'd be pleased?' Dick pressed, confused and quite honestly scared and worried out of his mind for his little brother for the second time in as many days. Jason blinked, his gaze lifting to look at him with such a mournful sympathy and for the life of him Dick couldn't work out why.  
'Need to get Dickie off the scent? Just say he's a good brother.'  
'What?'  
' How could Tim have known you would be there at the exact moment he fell out of the window? The bestest brother wouldn't have known that.’


End file.
